Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 11
Welcome back, my friends, to another edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Oh, what wussiness shall we cover today? No need to wait to find out: IT’S TIME TO GET GENTLE!
Rupert Holmes РEscape (The Pi̱a Colada Song) (download)
I know what you’re thinking: yet another irritating song by a one-hit wonder. While the “one-hit wonder” part is certainly true, you might be surprised to know that Rupert Holmes’ career has certainly not been limited to this song. First, though, let’s talk about this Mellow Gold hit.
An artist who was once compared to Bob Dylan by Rolling Stone, “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” came from his fifth album Partners In Crime. To be honest, it’s not much of a song: the music is actually just a 16-bar groove that’s been looped a number of times to form a complete tune. The music was recorded well before the lyrics; Holmes wrote a number of words for the song but found that none of them were original enough to stand out above the obviously repetitive music.
The night before his last scheduled recording session for Partners In Crime, Holmes opened up the personals section of The Village Voice and came up with an idea: what if you answered a personal ad, intending to have an affair, and found out the woman on the other end was actually your wife? You have to admit that, as song scenarios go, this is a pretty good one. The lyrics were almost perfect, but Holmes wasn’t satisfied with his hook: “If you like Humphrey Bogart, and getting caught in the rain.” (If you’re trying to sing this to yourself, put the emphasis on the word “like.”) Reminiscent of other Holmes songs that referenced movies, he changed the reference to piña coladas just five minutes before laying down the vocal, despite never having tasted one in his life. The vocal you’re hearing is Holmes’ first-take scratch vocal.
The song was originally released simply as “Escape,” but the record company convinced a reluctant Holmes to amend the title after hearing that people were going to record stores asking for “the song about piña coladas.” The song was extremely successful – WABC in New York played it while it was still at #60, which was a rarity for them – and it became the final #1 of 1979. It fell to #2 during the first week of 1980, but hit #1 again the following week, which made Holmes the only artist to hit #1 with the same song in two consecutive decades. (This fact seems to be erroneously reported on a number of websites, including Holmes’ himself – they claim that it was the last #1 of 1979 and the first #1 of 1980. Not true. You can blame K.C. and The Sunshine Band for the interruption.)
“Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” has, of course, been a double-edged sword for Holmes. As he’s said: “No matter what else I do, my tombstone will be a giant pineapple.” Everybody hopes for a hit like this one, but I can imagine that when you go on to other successes, it can get a little tiring.
What successes, you may ask? How about his career as a playwright? In 1985, Holmes wrote the book, music and lyrics to an adaptation of the Dickens novel The Mystery Of Edwin Drood. The Broadway musical won five Tony Awards, including Best Musical. Holmes won himself for Best Book and Best Score, and also won three Drama Desk Awards. His play Say Goodnight, Gracie was the longest running Broadway play of its season, and was nominated for a Tony as well. His newest musical is Curtains, for which he wrote the book (music by Kander & Ebb), coming to Broadway in 2007.
Separate from Broadway, he’s the creator and writer of the short-lived TV show Remember WENN (which starred my buddy and co-actor, the late George Hall), the author of best-selling book Where The Truth Lies (which became a movie starring Kevin Bacon), and has a new successful novel out entitled Swing. Oh, and by the way, he wrote – oooh, I love this – “You Got It All,” which was a hit for The Jets in 1986.
So. It’s not like he’s only big in Syracuse, people. Rupert Holmes has far surpassed his Mellow Gold status. And yet, it’s still the #1 thing for which he’ll always be remembered. And the worst part? He finally tried the piña colada, and hated it: “It tastes like Kaopectate and club soda.”
Randy VanWarmer – Just When I Needed You Most (download)
Covering this Mellow Gold gem was inevitable. Woofpop suggested it first; then Terje; then David. Seriously, I think that’s the most requests I’ve had for a single song. (Three requests is the most? Not sure if that’s good or bad.)
They’re all with good reason. “Just When I Needed You Most” is Mellow Gold at its Mellow Goldiest. It’s written from the point of view of a man who has absolutely no freaking trace of dignity left. As woofpop said, it’s Dan Hill getting dumped. I’ll see your Dan Hill, sir, and raise you Paul Davis, after the girl realizes the cool night doesn’t feel right, and she goes.
Randy VanWarmer wussed onto the scene in 1979. Although born in America, he moved to England as a child following his father’s death, and returned in his 20s, settling on Woodstock as home. And, naturally, as a Woodstock resident, became friends with Robbie Dupree. (There should be a sign when you enter Woodstock: Do not attempt to avoid Robbie Dupree.)
VanWarmer signed with Bearsville Records, a local label run by Albert Grossman, Bob Dylan’s manager, whose most prominent artist was Todd Rundgren. “Just When I Needed You Most” eventually reached #4 on the Billboard charts in September 1979, and it proved to be VanWarmer’s only hit. As a writer, he penned a #1 country song recorded by the Oak Ridge Boys in 1984, “I Guess It Never Hurts To Hurt Sometimes.” (Quick MG connection: members of the Oak Ridge Boys were also in The Boys Band, covered here in MG #8!) In 1992, he also hit #1 on the country charts as a writer for Alabama, with their hit “I’m In A Hurry (And I Don’t Know Why).” “Just When I Needed You Most” was covered by a few artists, most notably Dolly Parton in 1996.
So back to the song itself. It’s actually quite pretty. It’s melodic, and the vocal is sweet, albeit high; it’s what Timothy B. Schmit would sound like if somebody cut off his other nut. I can see why it was a hit, given the disturbingly high levels of male sensitivity in the late ’70s. I don’t know; I suppose there might have even been a time where a girl might hear a pathetic whimper like this song, go “awwww, that’s so sweet!” and take the lame, sad sap back.
Who am I kidding? Nobody would date a guy who sang shit like this! It’s yet another Mellow Gold song that proves why she left in the first place! Will we ever find a song that features a guy who will actually fight to get his woman back? A man who will fight for her honor? A man who will be the hero she’s thinking of? Oh god, I just quoted Peter Cetera. You see what you’ve done to me, Randy VanWarmer? You’ve reduced me to using Peter Cetera as an example of a man who…well, nevermind, just an example of a MAN. It’s sad, Randy…
…and yet I really like this song. Between you and me, I could totally see myself getting dumped, putting on a robe, grabbing a pint of Chubby Hubby, curling up in the fetal position on the couch and crying hysterically all night to this song.
I think there may be an additional reason why VanWarmer’s records may not have been flying off the shelves: VanWarmer was yet another victim of Terrible Album Covers.
There’s this one:
“Mommmm! Randy’s trying to make me play Doctor again!”
and this one:
“Call Me” is a track from the album, but in this case, I think he may have just written it in so someone would call him.
oh, and this one:
“Houston, we have a problem: I’m a dork.”
Sadly, Randy VanWarmer died on January 12, 2004, of leukemia. I found some articles on his death and posts on blog sites, and was impressed at how many people loved his music (and, obviously, this song, since it was his only hit). Fare thee well, Mr. VanWarmer: the world is a wussier place because of you.
And that’s the end of another week of Adventures Through The Mines of Mellow Gold! See you soon!
December 6th, 2006 at 10:12 am
If I may …
No, no, no! Rupert Holmes was no mere one-hit wonder, he was a THREE-hit wonder, dammit! That debut album also has two deliciously corny A.M. ’70s gems in “Him” (“Him, him, him, what’s she gonna do about him …”) and the painfully awkward “Answering Machine,” a song that couldn’t have been more dated had it name-checked Colecovision. Both are worth digging up; in fact, “Him” went to #6 on the charts. (“Answering Machine” hit #32.)
That said, I learned a whole lot I didn’t know fabout my man Rupert today, and so I lift my light rum, pinapple juice and coconut milk to you.
As for Randy … I’m with you. How anyone could not like this song is beyond me. At the same time, I can feel my Y-chromosomes mutate each time I listen to it. Seriously, I’m like three spins from growing a vulva.
“What Timothy B. Schmidt would sound like if someone cut off his other nut.” Priceless. Jefito better watch his back.
December 6th, 2006 at 10:48 am
I love this series, Jason. Not least because I get to tell you that Rupert Holmes also wrote the cheese classic "Timothy" for the Buoys in 1971, which, while not the only hit song about a mining disaster — thank you BeeGees — is almost certainly the only hit song about cannibalism. I’m not kidding; I can send you a nifty mp3 if you want.
December 6th, 2006 at 11:15 am
Re: Holmes, I fervently, irrationally, hate this song. In light of my feelings towards wuss music in general I realize that doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s similar to my flaming hatred of Journey while enjoying Styx, REO Speedwagon and Toto. Why do Hold the Line and Take it on the Run cause me to throw up the horns while Don’t Stop Believin’ fills me with existential sadness and the urge to punch Neal Schon in the face? Why do I hate the Rupert Holmes song and love On and On by Stephen Bishop? I have no explanations.
Re: Van Warmer. I have never heard of him, but those are the best album covers I have ever seen. I can’t wait to listen to this. Also, can we confirm that he went on to play Wormser in Revenge of the Nerds 2?
December 6th, 2006 at 11:24 am
My hatred of "Escape" comes from its smirking humor, a common trait in 1970s near-novelty singles ("Undercover Angel" by Alan O’Day, "Heaven on the Seventh Floor" by Paul Nicholas). The only tone more irritating to me is the giggly braindead "Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson (does anyone else remember this song?). Anyway, the narrator of "Escape" just seems like the most smug, tiresome prick to me. He and his Lady deserve each other. (I do admire the craft of the triplet emphasis on "I am into champagne".)
December 6th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
I remember "Telephone Man," Scraps. Or rather it’s on one of the "Super Hits of the ’70s" CDs from Rhino that I bought earlier in this decade. I think it’s on the same volume as "Goodbye Girl," "Thunder Island," and "Werewolves of London." Is Michael Johnson’s "Bluer Than Blue" on that volume? I’ll have to check. There’s another candidate for the "Mellow Gold" series — "Bluer than blue, sadder than sad / You’re the only light this empty room has ever had / Life without you is gonna be bluer than bluuuuuuuue…." I really do like that song, but one of the funniest lines is "I won’t have to miss no TV shows / I can start my whole life over." It’s true, you know — once you’ve been dumped, you can catch up on all the prime-time action you’ve been missing. Or you can just TiVO it, I guess.
I sang "Escape" at a karaoke bar on Thanksgiving. (That was the highlight of the day, sadly, since I didn’t get to have Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in my life. I know, I know — tell it to the homeless.) After I sang it, a guy said to me, "I’d never caught the twist ending of that song before." I helped spread the "Mellow Gold" gospel, everybody!
"Him" may be even better, especially Holmes’s high-pitched "woo-woo woo-oo-oo-oo-oo" bridge. I’m interested in hearing "Answering Machine" now and see how it compares to the Replacements’ cover of it. (Kidding.)
I still have a tape from the summer of ’89 on which I recorded Phoebe Snow’s "If I Can Just Get Through the Night" from the radio. As the song fades out, the DJ talks about "no-repeat workdays," and then "Just When I Needed You Most" fades in. But I cut off Mr. VanWarmer with Natalie Cole’s "Miss You Like Crazy." It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned the name of the song I had cut off. It does have a pretty melody, but in my mind I always lump it in with America’s "I Need You." They sound similar to me.
December 6th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
I’m so happy to be corrected about things like Holmes’ other singles – if for no other reason, it proves you guys are much bigger wusses than I am.
December 6th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
I’ve been watching my back all along, David — not only is Jason a better writer than me, he’s also always trying to put it in my butt.
December 6th, 2006 at 12:49 pm
You too? This explains so much…
December 6th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Please stop this frat-boy humor at once! This is not the place for such un-mellow comments!
December 6th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Robert’s right, you guys. (So is Jeff.) (About the butt part, not the writing part.)
December 6th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Rupert also wrote “You Got It All” for The Jets. If you don’t remember them, the group was comprised of 8 brothers and sisters from Tonga. They had a few hits in the mid-80’s and this song was a great ballad that Britney Spears covered on one of her albums.
December 6th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
Robert is assuredly NOT right. If Jess and I can’t make Jason/Jefito mancrush jokes here, where would we do it? (Other than on Jefito’s blog?)
December 6th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
Scraps,
You get ultra-bonus points today for checking Meri Wilson, Alan O’Day and – the best of all – ‘Timothy’!! What a classic hunk of cheese.. Now I’m gonna have to go dig that one out and play it. "Timothy!! Timothy!! Where on earth did you go…"
December 6th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
Britney Spears covering The Jets might be the textbook definition of musical justice. Ho-lee shit, I need to hear this…
December 6th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
The Jets were constantly on "Nick Rocks: Video to Go" in the ’80s. I think there was even a contest to appear in one of their videos. I liked their song "Rocket 2 U," but that was it. It’s interesting to know that Rupert Holmes wrote one of their ballads, though.
December 6th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
I fucking LOVE "Rocket 2 U."
I saw The Jets at Westbury Music Fair. Stacy Q opened. She went out at intermission to sign autographs and fainted in the lobby.
December 6th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Stacy Q? Next thing you know, someone is gonna bring up Nu Shooz!
December 6th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
I can’t wait!
(groan)
December 6th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Great cheese! Damn, I deserve to get my ass kicked if someone I know got a hold of my iPod after downloading these.
December 6th, 2006 at 6:15 pm
Wussy Rupert Holmes? It doesn’t get worse/wurss [?] Than “I Don’t Want to Hold Your Hand” which, I guess, was on his second album.
Sample Lyric “… And when I touch you I can feel you pull back inside…”
You say tomato… Wait , that doesn’t work in print… You say homage, I say rip off….
December 6th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
Man.. I’m jealous now. The Jets AND Stacey Q..
All other concert lineups pale in comparison.
December 6th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Toss in Robbie DuPree’s "Hot Rod Hearts" for the hat trick.
December 6th, 2006 at 11:43 pm
Rupert Holmes had at least one other semihit in "I Don’t Need You." I definitely remember seeing that on Solid Gold or somesuch. Didn’t he go on to do theater scores afterward?"Hot Rod Hearts" – wow, I guess Robbie Dupree was a two-hit wonder. Nice awkward rhyming of "hot rod hearts" with "hungry sharks."This is seriously becoming my favorite MP3 blog. I can hardly wait to hear the next Mellow Gold classic!
December 7th, 2006 at 8:36 am
I’ve got two words for Jason Hare: JEEN-YUS! Thanks for writing my favorite paragraph of the year:"Just When I Needed You Most" is Mellow Gold at its Mellow Goldiest. It’s written from the point of view of a man who has absolutely no freaking trace of dignity left. As woofpop said, it’s Dan Hill getting dumped. I’ll see your Dan Hill, sir, and raise you Paul Davis, after the girl realizes the cool night doesn’t feel right, and she goes.
December 7th, 2006 at 9:23 am
Being a self-righteous kid in those days, I was always ticked that Rupert’s protagonist and his woman bore no recriminations over catching each other attempting to cheat. I know it was the 70s and all, but still …I didn’t realize Rupert actually did NOT like pina coladas. Now that’s irony.A guy who looks like VanWarmer could never get signed today. I’m not even sure they’d let him join Weezer.
December 7th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
In addition to looking like Anthony Edwards (I just saw “The Sure Thing” for the first time last night — maybe it was funny in 1985, but it’s not funny now), VanWarmer looks like Andy Dick in his teens, in case you’ve ever seen pictures of him from that period.
I’m starting to feel guilty for getting excited about the songs you’re posting, Jason, and wanting to write comments about the songs and my memories of them before actually reading what you’ve written in your posts. For instance, I missed this great line until late last night: “There should be a sign when you enter Woodstock: Do not attempt to avoid Robbie Dupree.”
But I see I’m not the only one — other people have said, “Did you know Rupert wrote a song for the Jets?” and “Didn’t he write theater scores later on”? We mean no disrespect, of course. We just like sharing our nostalgia and sarcasm with others of our kind in a “flame”-free environment.
December 7th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Yeah, I noticed that too, Robert. No biggie. I write a lot so it’s not always easy to read it all. I’m just happy that the music brings enough people happiness (or shame, let’s be honest) that they want to comment on it.
December 7th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
Speaking of happiness, Jason, I laughed out loud at this entry. Twice! That is some seriously funny writing. Michael: two words. Steve Perry. (Sorry — three. Steve Fucking Perry.) Regarding The Jets, I admit I liked "Make it Real." They are from Tonga? I Did Not Know That. According to Wiki, they were Mormons who settled in Minneapolis, and are still a music group today! Aaaaand, someone’s going to have to get a copy of "Christmas With The Jets (1986)" and share the love.
December 8th, 2006 at 10:34 pm
I have always thought "Just When I Needed When I Needed You Most" is one of the saddest tunes on the planet. Gets me every time.
December 12th, 2006 at 12:30 am
When it came out, I thought the Pina Colada song had cute words, but was musically boring. I did hear another song from that album, which, being "Nearsighted," I liked:"Nearsighted, it’s another lovely day.Nearsighted, as I stumble on my way…"However, being a fan of musicals, I fell in love with "The Mystery of Edwin Drood," and, eventually, learned the whole thing by heart. My older son is good at patter songs and he can actually get through all of "Both sides of the Coin." "Mystery" has such clever lyrics, and it also really has the feel of the British music-hall. On the other hand, I never finished reading his first book.However, I love his second book, "Swing," and, someday, I should return it to the library…
December 15th, 2006 at 10:38 am
[…] 4. Escape (The Piña Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes See Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 11 for my thoughts on this one. Go ahead, I’ll wait. […]
January 12th, 2007 at 10:03 am
[…] But don’t feel too bad for Mr. Wilder: he produced No Doubt’s breakthrough album Tragic Kingdom and co-wrote the score to the Disney film Mulan, for which he was nominated for an Oscar. He also voiced the character of Ling. In 2007, Princesses will open on Broadway, for which he wrote the music. So like our friend Rupert Holmes, Matthew Wilder has found further success elsewhere in the biz, specifically on the stage. But like Mr. Holmes, only one thing’s going to be mentioned in his obit. […]
January 17th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I always SWORE it was Anne Murray singing this…
January 17th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Singing which one? I hope it’s the VanWarmer track.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:31 am
[…] fellow Popdoser Jason did a piece on Rupert Holmes in his Mellow Gold series, and I have nothing to add to […]
June 27th, 2008 at 8:31 am
[…] Vanwarmer got his due from me back in Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold #11. As I said back then, this is what Timothy B. Schmit would sound like if somebody cut off his other […]
June 9th, 2009 at 4:51 am
[…] he had covered “Escape” somewhere in the award winning Mellow Gold series. And indeed, he had. Thanks to Jason, I don’t have to write anything more […]
March 17th, 2010 at 7:12 am
[…] […]