This is probably the only time I’m going to say this during this Chart Attack!: what is this shit?  And who can I blame for this one?  I suppose some of the blame has to go to Dick Asher, the CBS executive who plays a big role in the oft-recommended book Hit Men (I’m still reading it, don’t spoil the ending!), and was Iglesias’ primary champion when it came to bringing the biggest Spanish singer of all time to the U.S.  But enough blame has been thrown Asher’s way, according to the book, so I’m going to leave him alone.  Instead, let’s blame Willie.  Fuckin’ Willie.  Tell me the idea for this song wasn’t concocted while stoned.  I dare you.

I can get behind this duet, though it’s mainly for its unintentional humor.  I mean, as unlikely duets go, this is pretty unlikely.  Way more unlikely than Diddy and Sting, or Elton John and Axl/Eminem/Rick Santorum.  (That last one may not have happened, I’m not sure, but man, does Elton love him some homophobes.)  The differences between the two accents are hysterical, and I’m not positive that either one of them actually knows what they’re saying.

What’s that?  You want to see if it’s funny visually as well?  You got it!

Here’s a little-known fact about "To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before": it actually came with its own disclaimer.

Effective upon the listening of this song, all the girls Mssrs Nelson and Iglesias have loved before, for themselves and for  their  successors, heirs, assigns, agents and representatives, completely, unconditionally and forever release, acquit and discharge Mssrs. Nelson and Iglesias, together with their respective successors, heirs, assigns, representatives, agents, affiliated entities, employees, attorneys, and partners, of and from any and all actions, causes of action, claims, contracts, debts, demands, liabilities, losses and damages of every kind and nature whatsoever,  whether known or unknown,  including but not limited to, alimony, paternity, loss of consortium, emotional distress, assault, abuse of controlled substances, sexually transmitted disease (including syphilis, gonorrhea, Chlamydia, crabs, and etc) or which in any manner relate to any and all whispering of sweet nothings, serenades, moonlit walks, hand holding, necking, heavy petting, french kissing, tender, sensual lovemaking, drug fueled orgies, quasi-satanic sex rituals, gay French sex farces, and all other instances of "before loving" between the Parties.

This disclaimer, of course, was only included on the 12" mix.

(thanks to the lawyer I stole the above from.)

What’s that?  You want a video that combines breakdancing, poppin’-and-lockin’, and weird guys playing with fans?  Here ’tis!

[youtube]4fxR4ZXd9yE[/youtube]

8.  They Don’t Know – Tracey Ullman

You have to love Tracey Ullman.  Even if you don’t love Tracey Ullman, you have to love Tracey Ullman.  The woman’s got balls.  Big balls.  Almost as big as Ruth Pointer’s.  As a performer, I can’t help but admire her for never doing a damn thing half-assed.  Here in the U.S., we didn’t know much about her until The Tracey Ullman Show became a hit for Fox in 1987, but between 1983 and 1985, Ullman was known for her singing career, and had five hits in the U.K. Top 40.  "They Don’t Know" was written by the late, great Kirsty MacColl (not to venture too far off-topic, but if you don’t know anything MacColl’s fantastic music and her tragic death, you should remedy this).  MacColl, for reasons beyond her control, was not able to create a success out of "They Don’t Know," but Ullman (her labelmate) hit #2 in the U.K. and peaked at #8 in the U.S.

What’s that?  You want a video featuring Paul McCartney in a cameo?  Piece of cake!

[youtube]i0FIl4-cC9U[/youtube]

7.  You Might Think – The Cars

You might think wonder how I go about picking the weeks that I do for Chart Attack!  (Or you might not.)  Basically, I try to pick years that aren’t directly adjacent to the year I just attacked, and I pick whatever year gives me the best gut reaction.  Sometimes, I’ll pick a week I don’t know if I have the time to do all the research.  This week, I didn’t have much time, and thought, "awesome, two of these songs have been covered on Kurt’s This Week In Rock!  Less work for me!"  This song is one of the ones we covered – right here, as a matter of fact – so please stop by Kurt’s site and read what a bunch of brilliant nerds music bloggers have to say.  I’ll echo what I said on TWIR:  I always loved "You Might Think," but mainly because I was raised on MTV and its video was so iconic.  If not for MTV, I’m fairly certain I never would have heard the song at all. 

Musically, I never thought about it until my band, Evil Prince Ludwig The Indestructible, gave it a go.  This song is nowhere near as simple as you might think imagine.  (groan)  Sure, it’s only about four chords, but the synths and backing vocals really are so intricately layered and the production (courtesy of Mutt Lange) is so specific that it’s hard to accurately recreate the Cars/Lange sound.  That being said, I thought we did a credible job, and Mike, who tackled lead vocals, sounded great.  (Thankfully, he looks nothing like Ric Ocasek.)

What’s that?  You want to see the video that won Music Video Of The Year at the very first MTV Video Music Awards?  I’m here for you!

[youtube]4NXmK1YISpk[/youtube]

6.  Love Somebody – Rick Springfield (download)

This is the one song on the Top 10 that I didn’t recognize, not even for a second, when I heard it earlier this week.  When I saw the title, I started singing Bryan Adams’ "Somebody."  That’s how much I suck.

All this being said, when I finally did hear "Love Somebody," all I could think of was how much this song rocks.  Perfect ’80 glimmering rock song – perfect, perfect, perfect.  I dare you to find something wrong with it.  This is the sound that Adams and Eddie Money so desperately desire.  There’s even a bit of the Def Leppard choppy-guitar sound in there, as well as a clear tribute to Boston’s "Peace Of Mind."  Check out the bridge – I don’t know what those chords are, but I love ’em.  Great transition.

Am I supposed to say something factual about this song?  Fine.  "Love Somebody" was part of the Hard To Hold album, also the soundtrack to his movie of the same name, and…aw, fuck it – I’m just going to shut up and rock out to this song.  If you want any factual matter on Rick Springfield, look elsewhere – like Jefitoblog’s Idiot’s Guide, for example.

But what’s that?  You want to see Springfield’s performance, somewhat digitized, at Live Aid – complete with big hair?  It’s yours!

[youtube]GRLEbnM63Qg[/youtube]

And if that’s not enough – there are at least SIX other "Love Somebody" videos at YouTube.  (Hopefully it’s enough.)

5.  Miss Me Blind – Culture Club

Am I the only one whose childhood was a little screwed-up after seeing Boy George?  Being only six when this song came out (and yes, I was watching MTV at six), I just didn’t know what to make of this guy.  Girl.  Whatever.

All that said, I don’t have much to say about "Miss Me Blind."  I think it’s a good song, but I was never really a Culture Club fan.  Wham! is another matter entirely, but one I’m not sure I should divulge.  But what’s that?  You want to see the video that took away a little of my childhood?  Not a problem!

[youtube]48n0WZvRvzY[/youtube]

4.  Hold Me Now – Thompson Twins

The summer I was 17, I remember going to a party and dancing randomly with this girl I had just met.  "Hold Me Now" came on, and I started singing it while dancing.  I remember she was really impressed, for some reason, that I could sing the harmony line in the chorus (which is stupidly simple), and moved in a little closer.  It was that moment that I determined that "Hold Me Now" was the best song of all time.  (Note to self: if you don’t have anything good to say about a song, just shut up.) 

"Hold Me Now" was a departure from the electronic sound of the Thompson Twins’ previous work – not that many people noticed.  Previous singles had made a slight dent in the charts – "Lies," in 1983, made it to #30 – but this single remains their most successful and enduring hit.  Mike would like me to point out the whiny, nasal, thick-accented (or, as he just called it, "stupid") vocal of Tom Bailey.  Maybe so, but you can’t deny he had awesome hair.

What?  You want to see a "live performance" where Bailey plucks every note on his Rickenbacker with determination and fervor?  Here you go!

[youtube]IEc4fzcvUMk[/youtube]

3.  Footloose – Kenny Loggins

What’s the definition of pathetic?  When you’re in your late teens, hear "Funk #49" by The James Gang for the first time and think, "hey, they stole this guitar riff from ‘Footloose!’"

Kenny Loggins – and his neverending soundtrack hits – have become an easy punchline, but I think "Footloose" is actually a very good song.  It’s light, it’s fun, and it’s no slouch in the music department, either: just listen to the extremely busy guitar and bass in the chorus.  Sure, it’s a blatant "Funk #49" rip, but I’m sure Joe Walsh was too coked up in ’84 to even care.  "Footloose" remains Loggins’ only #1 single, and he’s nowhere to be seen in the video.  And hey, isn’t this the height of cuteness: The Bacon Brothers covered the song on the Will & Grace soundtrack, which you can hear as part of Coverville #151 if you’d like.

What?  You don’t care about the official music video, but sure would love to see the scene from the movie?  Hot diggity-dog!

[youtube]r7VW3BbPfGY[/youtube]

2.  Hello – Lionel Richie

I started taking piano lessons when I was seven.  By the time I was eight, I knew my way around the keys and could work my way through basic music.  However, since my teacher only taught classical music, I didn’t think too much about using the piano for contemporary songs I had heard on the radio.  So I guess it was 1985 when my mother bought me my first piece of pop sheet music: an easy piano version of "Hello."  I think even she’s a little scared that it’s 2007 and I’m still performing it.  Mike and I play it as part of our "Acoustic ’80s" set, and I think it’s probably my favorite of the bunch, because we were able to transform it into an uptempo guitar version.  A few people have asked to hear some mp3s from our gigs; here’s a 60-second segment of our version of "Hello," from December ’06.

But I suppose I should talk about Lionel Richie.  The second single from Richie’s highly successful (over 20 million sold!) album Can’t Slow Down, "Hello" was a sensitive ballad of gargantuan proportions.  Hard to believe that it almost didn’t make the album – Richie didn’t think much of the tune, having written it before his first solo album and abandoned it a few years prior, but his wife Brenda, um, smacked some sense into him.

These days, the song is really known for its video, which I wouldn’t dare snark.  Not for the reasons you think, however.  It’s just that Stereogum did such a brilliant job with it a number of years back (before they jumped the shark) that I’m unconvinced I could improve upon their take, which you should read now.

What?  You want to see the video in its entirety?  You don’t?  Well, write your own goddamn Chart Attack!, then!

[youtube]PDZcqBgCS74[/youtube]

1.  Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) – Phil Collins

Here’s another one that we covered over at The Week In Rock.  (I tell another story about learning it on the piano, but I’m not going to bore you any more than I already have.)  I have to admit, I was surprised at how many other music bloggers like this song.  Like Kenny Loggins, Phil Collins is something of a punchline now, but you can’t deny that this is a fantastic ballad.  Collins has a hell of a voice, and makes this song sound much simpler vocally than it really is.  He screams his way through a good portion of this song in such a way that never sounds harsh, and is perfectly appropriate for the ballad.  I love it.

An Arif Mardin production, "Against All Odds" began life as a reject from the Face Value album, entitled "How Can You Just Sit There."  I wrote a similar song after my college roommate wouldn’t clean up his fucking dirty dishes.  Anyway, Taylor Hackford, director of the movie Against All Odds (and future Ray director) asked Collins for a song for the film, and he went back and found this one – one of many "dedicated" to his ex-wife.  According to the extensive Wiki for this song (which, sadly, devotes almost as much room on the Mariah Carey cover version), it’s one of six songs that Collins wrote specifically for soundtracks.  Eat it, Loggins!

Collins earned a nomination for Best Song at the Academy Awards, and rearranged his tour so he could attend the telecast.  However, he was not invited to perform it himself (rumor has it that the Academy didn’t know who he was).  Collins was stuck sitting in the audience, watching Ann Reinking perform his number:

That night, I was sitting in my seat and poor old Ann Reinking, who was singing the song, came in. She knew I was there and knew about all the fuss that had gone on about it. And … well, she may be a dancer, but she can’t sing. She was awful. I felt sorry for her. Kenny Loggins was sitting behind me and he said, "I can’t believe what they did to your song." He wasn’t performing his, either, so all I could say was, "You’ve got yours to come, mate."

Eat it, Loggins!

Regarding the disappointing evening, Wiki says:  "His perceived negative reaction shown on the telecast is considered to be one of the most awkward moments in the history of the ceremony, and has been a favorite reference for Dennis Miller to relate someone reacting in a horrified fashion." 

What?  You’d like to see the video with his negative reactions?  Well, too bad, I can’t find it.  You’ll have to settle for the original video.  Here at Chart Attack!, we always try to end with disappointment!

[youtube]ZAV_gt6rDps[/youtube]

10.  Don’t Stand So Close To Me – The Police

So the question, of course, needs to be asked:  which version do you prefer, 1980 or 1986?  My first Police album was their compilation Every Breath You Take – The Singles, which only included the ’86 version, so that was my initial exposure to the song.  I suppose I preferred that version for a while (I love the backing vocals), until I finally heard the full original version.  Now, I’m not quite sure.  I think the ’86 version is much more consistent in its dark tone that matches the lyrical content, but then again, the ’80 opening – plus the dichotomy between the verses and choruses – sound pretty chilling as well.  Being that both are so different (and I love that they are), perhaps it’s not even worth comparing.  I can’t imagine anybody saying they prefer ’86, anyway; even if it’s true, it just sounds uncool.

Where was I?  Oh yes, "Don’t Stand So Close To Me."  Sting insists that the story of this song – a teacher falling for a student – was not based on his own pre-Police experiences as an English teacher.  Although the group had plenty of recognizable songs before this one – "Roxanne," "Message In A Bottle," "Can’t Stand Losing You" – none of these were big hits in the U.S.  "Don’t Stand" reached #10 and became their first stand-out single in the country.

Numerous sources point out – and I’m stupid for not realizing this before – that "don’t stand so close to me" is melodically quite similar to Sting’s "I want my MTV" cameo in Dire Straits’ "Money For Nothing" – so much so that when it was realized, Sting’s lawyers got involved and insisted Sting be granted a co-writing credit.  I’m not saying that they were wrong, but damn, Knopfler really felt that sting.  Huh?  Huh??!?  I just wrote that one!

In other news, did you guys hear that The Police are reforming?  True story.

9.  The Best Of Times – Styx

Suck it, Tommy Shaw!

I don’t know why I’m so down on Tommy Shaw.  I guess I just find it so funny that this man – one who really wants to rock but has the babyface of a bubblegum pop star – was stuck backing Dennis DeYoung, probably mumbling "this is fucking stupid" the whole time, and then had to sit back and watch DeYoung’s songs reach the top of the charts.  (Yes, Shaw had hits in Styx as well, but they never surpassed DeYoung’s.)  And "The Best Of Times" isn’t even that great a track.  I’ll give it credit for a strong, catchy opening (even if we’re subjected to DeYoung’s "hey look, I could be on Broadway!" vibrato), but not much else.  The keyboard/vocal "with you tonight" effect is creepy, and could they have possibly chosen worse dynamics later in the song, where they go:

these are the best OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!

It makes me wince every time I hear it.  Incidentally, this song debuted at #31, which was the highest debut for any song on the charts in 1981.

8.  Being With You – Smokey Robinson

"While You See A Chance" was a collaboration between Winwood and award-winning composer Will Jennings.  You know Jennings:  he either wrote or co-wrote hits like "I’ll Never Love This Way Again," "Up Where We Belong," "Didn’t We Almost Have It All," "Tears In Heaven," and (shudder) "My Heart Will Go On."  The collaboration between the two proved to be a good idea: "While You See A Chance" was Winwood’s highest charting single since "Gimme Some Lovin’" in 1966.  Jennings and Winwood went on to become frequent collaborators, and nearly all of Winwood’s hits in the late ’80s can be attributed to this partnership.

I’ve always liked "While You See A Chance."  It’s synthesizer central – good luck finding a guitar anywhere – and I especially love Winwood’s preference for the unmistakeable synthesizer sound that lies somewhere between a trumpet and a fart.  The synth opening is also memorable, and was actually a mistake on Winwood’s part: originally, he had written a drum track introduction (Winwood plays all instruments on this song and the accompanying album, Arc Of A Diver), but accidentally deleted it while getting ready to record his vocals.  Unable to recreate it, he quickly pieced together the synth intro.  Funny, though – I don’t think he had the same accident during the recording of "The Finer Things," which has an eerily similar intro – and, wouldn’t you know it, that track was also co-written by Jennings!

"While you see a chance, take it/find romance, fake it/because it’s all on you."  I love that line.  I shall put that next to Kenny Loggins’ "This Is It" on my list of Cheesy Songs That Inspire Me.

6.  Angel Of The Morning – Juice Newton

Ugh.  Ugh, ugh, ugh.  And I said this about the song back when all I knew was the chorus.  I hate this song.  Why have so many people recorded this song?  Olivia Newton-John, The Pretenders (Chrissie, how could you?), Ray Conniff, Percy Faith, and of course, Bonnie Tyler, because why should Bonnie Tyler leave anything well enough alone.  Anyway, I’ll try to get over my extreme prejudice of this song (what’s with the military drums and the tolling bells?  It’s about a one-night stand, not about someone going to war!) and give you a little bit of trivia about "Angel Of The Morning."  It was written by Chip Taylor (a stage name – his real name is James Voight, and yes, he’s Jon’s brother).  Taylor had a knack for writing songs that were moderate hits on first release, but were really destined to find true success later.  He wrote "Wild Thing," which was originally recorded by The Wild Ones, but wasn’t a hit until The Troggs covered it.  Similarly, he wrote "Angel Of The Morning," originally recorded by Evie Sands in 1967.  Sands’ version wasn’t bad, but stopped dead in its tracks once her record company went bankrupt.  The next year, Merilee Rush had a #7 hit with the same song.  Of course, it’s Newton’s version that most people remember best, which peaked at #4.  And, of course, who can forget Shaggy’s 2001 re-working of the song, entitled "Angel," which hit #1 and will now be in your head the rest of the day.

4.  Just The Two Of Us – Grover Washington, Jr. (with Bill Withers)

Ahhh, Bill Withers.  I love Bill Withers.  Who doesn’t love Bill Withers?  (He’s like parfait.)  I was surprised to find out that this song isn’t primarily credited to Withers, but to Washington, a master of the saxophone who unfortunately got sucked into smooth jazz later in life (and supposedly was at least somewhat responsible for the rise of Kenny G).  I love the saxophone on this song, but it’s the piece as a whole – and notice, again, that there are no guitars to be found on this song – that is just a beaut.  Withers was a fan of Washington’s, as the saxophonist had covered Withers’ "Ain’t No Sunshine" on his debut record, Inner City Blues, but the two hadn’t met until Washington called him in for this recording.  Despite the enduring popularity of this song, Washington and Withers didn’t have any more of a relationship after recording than they had previously.  "Just The Two Of Us" remained in the Top 10 for a respectable eleven weeks.

Washington died in 1999 of a heart attack after an appearance on CBS’ The Early Show; Withers is still alive, and his music still permeates pop culture (I can’t help but think about Austin Powers when I hear this song, even though I don’t want to).  However, he barely records or performs anymore.  (Oddly enough, he can be found performing recently with Jimmy Buffett.)  As he says, "I didn’t quit the record business; the record business quit me."

3.  Morning Train (Nine To Five) – Sheena Easton

I mentioned this in a previous Chart Attack, but isn’t it hard to believe that this is the same Sheena Easton who later released the smokin’ hot "The Lover In Me" and became a Prince concubine?  How did that come about?  And did he offer her "Manic Monday" as well?  The world may never know.  (By the way, last week’s Chart Attack! was more popular than most, thanks to the Prince/Apollonia "Manic Monday" bootleg reaching the "Most Popular" list on Hype Machine over the weekend.  I can’t tell you how tempted I am to invent a Prince/Sheena Easton "Manic Monday" mp3 right now.)

"Morning Train (Nine To Five)," so re-named in America as to not cause confusion with Dolly Parton’s "9 To 5" (also a hit in ’81) was Easton’s first U.S. single, and what a great introduction:  it hit #1 in May, and remains her only chart-topper in America.  Overall, this song isn’t bad.  I mean, it’s really all about the chorus.  Clearly, they were going for some serious Manhattan Transfer-esque backing vocals, and when you put it all together with Sheena’s voice, you have a pretty catchy hook.   There are even two truck driver’s gear changes in this song, but you’ll notice that the very last one is tackled only by the backing vocalists.  No way was Easton going to sing the chorus in that key.

In fact, the real shame of the song is that the lyrics are completely idiotic and set feminism back about 80 years.  "My baby takes the morning train/he works from nine to five and then/he takes another home again/to find me waiting for him."  Somewhere in the world, Gloria Steinem had to be convinced not to take her own life.

Here’s the video.  I don’t care that it was 1981 – there’s no excuse for any of this.  The bike-riding, the hairdo, the makeup, the ugly aqua-blue pantsuit.  The belt.  THE BELT!!!  Somewhere in the world, Liberace had to be convinced not to take his own life.

[youtube]Cg2IA2UYQCA[/youtube]

2.  Rapture – Blondie

Why are we still proudly giving Blondie credit for introducing rap to the white people and the radio?  I don’t care if it’s true (and it’s probably not true).  My point is this:  has anybody listened to the rap?  It starts off promisingly, name-checking Fab Five Freddy and Grandmaster Flash, and just goes downhill from there.  I can take it up until right after she mentions a Subaru.  Then she starts in with this tale of The Man From Mars eating cars and bars and, uh…guitars.  Who didn’t see that coming?  You know, I wrote a rap like this, once.  Only problem is that it was also 1981, and I was four.

Remember the video?  If you thought it was bad enough that white people were rapping, you should see them dance, DJ, and spray graffiti!

[youtube]xHPikUPlRD8[/youtube]

"Rapture" hit #1 earlier in the month, and was the first hip-hop song to reach the top.  That much is true.  Additionally, Debbie Harry was incredibly hot at the time.  This is also irrefutable fact.

1.  Kiss On My List – Daryl Hall & John Oates (remix download!)

I have very little to say about "Kiss On My List."  I love this song.  Love the piano part, especially, followed by those perfect H&O backing vocals.  It’s catchy, it’s light, it’s wonderful.  Apparently Daryl Hall believed (believes?) that Eddie Van Halen stole the piano part for the "Jump" synth part.  Anybody else think that’s complete bullshit?

While Hall wrote a number of songs with Sara Allen, this song was co-written by Sara’s younger sister, Janna.  Supposedly, this is the first song Janna ever wrote.  I don’t care if it’s true or not; I love "Kiss On My List."  I figure everybody has the original, so the version up for download is from a compilation of H&O remixes.  I decided to include it because last week, JB from the awesome The Hits Just Keep On Comin’ pointed me in the direction of Born Again ’80s, a fantastic site with tons of remixes of our favorite ’80s tunes.  Be sure to check it out!

I wasn’t going to attack this chart, since Matthew did such a fantastic job of attacking 1986 just last month, but I couldn’t help it.  I hope you like 1986, because I have a funny feeling it may replace 1988 as my favorite year of the ’80s.  Why don’t you decide for yourself whether it’s a year worthy of attacking, as we take a look back at April 12, 1986!

See, here’s a song that I’m not quite sure could exist today.  I don’t know about you, but when I hear the name "Force M.D.’s," I’m thinkin’ gangsta.  Right?  It just sounds like a tough name.  Then they come out with this gentle thing – dare I say, the Mellow Gold of 1986 – and nobody knows what to think.  The only thing I’m sure of is that these guys would most likely get their asses kicked for this song in 2007.

Force M.D.’s, at least according to the Wikipedia, were "recognized by their street attitude."

Apparently, Force M.D.’s lived on Dumpster Clothing Street.

"Tender Love" was written by none other than Janet Jackson’s hitmakers, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis.  The group did have one further success – a #1 on the R&B charts a year later – but "Tender Love" was the one and only time they’d make any significant impact on the Hot 100.  It should be noted that only one week prior, "Secret Lovers" had spent its last week in the Top 10 at #3.  I can’t even imagine the chart wussiness that would have ensued had these two groups shared a Top 10.

Still, when hearing this song – specifically the piano part – I can’t help but smile, and feel a wave of nostalgia wash over me.  I don’t know what it’s for, as I was 8 at the time.   What the hell did I have to be nostalgic about – that I apparently didn’t know how to comb my hair?  (Still haven’t learned this lesson.)

"M.D.," by the way, stood for "Musical Diversity."  I still hold out hope that, one day, a proctology practice will open up by the name of "Force M.D.’s."

9.  Harlem Shuffle – Rolling Stones

With songs like "Let’s Go All The Way" and "Rock Me Amadeus" appearing this week, I find it incredible that the Stones were responsible for the dumbest tune on the chart.

(Disclaimer: I’ve never been a Rolling Stones fan.  I think at some point, most people are forced to make a choice between The Who and the Stones, and I went with The Who.  I think I made the right choice.  We may have less living members, but at least our lead singer doesn’t look like an inside-out cat.)

"Harlem Shuffle" is a cover of the song originally performed by the R&B duo Bob & Earl in 1963.  Apparently it was a favorite of Keith Richards’, and he had been running through the song in the studio with Ron Wood and Bobby Womack while waiting for Jagger to show up.  Jagger dug the groove, recorded his vocals, and a shitty hit (which I suppose we can just refer to as a "shit") was born.  Womack’s on backing vocals, as is Tom Waits and Patty Scialfa, to which I say "if you say so."

So yeah, I don’t get the video.  Especially the cartoons.  However, if you think it looks a little Ren-and-Stimpy-ish, you’re right: the animation was directed by John Kricfalusi, future R&S creator.

8.  West End Girls – Pet Shop Boys

I always felt that Pet Shop Boys were one of the few groups that got the whole synthesizer domination thing absolutely right in the ’80s.  There’s not a genuine acoustic instrument to be found on this track, and it’s okay with me.  (In case anybody’s curious.)  The keyboard bass part is awesome, especially when it provides the main riff in the chorus.

This was the band’s second attempt at the song; the first version had been recorded in 1984 at a faster tempo, and was only a minor hit for the duo, reaching #1 in Belgium and appearing in dance clubs in other European territories.  Re-recorded under producer Stephen Hague (who went on to produce many other European acts…oh, and David Mead) and released in 1986, the song reached #1 in May, and became Pet Shop Boys’ first smash hit.  The song itself deals with the class differences between the two sides of London, and takes its inspiration from Grandmaster Flash’s "The Message."

7.  Let’s Go All The Way – Sly Fox (download)

Question 1:  Sly WHO, now?

Question 2: When Sly Fox (a duo, not an actual person) performed this song live, do you think they broke the audience up into two parts?:

"Okay!  Everybody on the left – you sing ‘zhung zhung!’  And you on the right!  Let me hear you sing ‘zinny ninny!’  Okay, let’s bring it all together!  Oh, this is awkward.  I knew we shouldn’t have taken this slot opening for Wham!"

There’s really not much to say about this stupid (but not as stupid as "Harlem Shuffle," thank you very much) song.  There’s something going on in the lyrics – something about the depression surrounding urban life and politics, I think – but they lose me with the "let’s go all the way" chorus, which seemingly has nothing to do with anything in the verses.  Someone on Songfacts says that "this is about someone with a humdrum existence seeking escape through casual sex."  I’m calling bullshit on that one.

I think that’s just about all I’m going to spend on this song.  I don’t hate it, I don’t love it, but if I try to think about these lyrics any further, my brain’s going to explode.  More on "Let’s Go All The Way" over at The 80s Rule!

6.  Addicted To Love – Robert Palmer

I’ll be honest – I’m one of those d-bags that doesn’t know Robert Palmer past his ’80s babe-video songs.  (And this is even with reading Jeff’s absolutely brilliant three part guide.)  So I can’t look at "Addicted To Love" as a part of his overall career and decide whether it stands up to the rest.  But given that this is a Chart Attack!, maybe I shouldn’t be doing so, anyway.  In 1986, this was a fantastic, crunchy, original song that deserved to be the hit that drove Palmer to the next level of success.  There’s more I could say about "Addicted To Love," but don’t you agree that the Week In Rock Roundtable can do it so much better? 

5.  What You Need – INXS

The very first hit for the band, I don’t think anybody can deny the infectious joy of "What You Need," which in my mind pretty much set the template for another INXS hit, "New Sensation."  I haven’t followed INXS in their 2.0 phase, and I was less of a fan by the time their story turned tragic, so I don’t find myself wistful or nostalgic for this period in their career; all I think about the fact that this was a great way for the band to make their initial mark on the charts.  Not to spend too much time quoting other sources, but whoever wrote the Wikipedia entry for "What You Need" hit it right on the nose:

The arrangement was spacious and the parts of the individual instruments simple, allowing them all to interlock easily — from the electronic drums and driving, rumbling bass line to the spare chordal strokes of the guitars and the stylish saxophone. During the chorus, the guitars suddenly kick up the intensity, hitting ringing power chords as the drums pound harder behind them. After the second chorus, there is also a breakdown in which Michael Hutchence chants the title over a drumbeat with effects layered over his voice; the guitar enters and plays a down-and-dirty single-note riff before returning to the verse figure.

Like nearly every great pop single, "What You Need" is tightly constructed, with no wasted space or unnecessary repetition anywhere. Even though INXS would prove themselves a terrific pop outfit many times over the next few years, "What You Need" remains one of their most infectious numbers.

4.  R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A. (A Salute To 60’s Rock) – John Cougar Mellencamp

Remember back in #10 when I talked about bands getting their asses kicked?  Next in line for an ass-kicking after Force M.D.’s is John Cougar Mellencamp.  I’m not such a big fan of his, either.  No, I don’t care that he finally sold out by giving his mediocre song "Our Country" to Chevy, and I only care a little that he took Peter Sagal a little too seriously when guesting on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! a few weeks ago.  (I don’t like anybody messing with my favorite podcast.)  So why is he getting an ass-kicking?

1)  For the parentheses.  Whose stupid fucking idea was this?  Were these necessary?  It makes the song sound less like a rock and roll single and more like a segment on the Miss America broadcast.  I will admit, though, that I didn’t know what the hell this song was about until I read them.  And neither did you – go ahead, name one lyric that’s not the chorus and that one part where they scream "they were rockin’!"  (And in reference to that one, I always thought they were giving a shout-out to Little Rock.)

2)  For the chords.  Really, John?  This is the best you could come up with?  What shall I sing over your chords – "What I Like About You" or "Cherry, Cherry?"  Your pick.

3)  For the device.  I’m not a big fan of songs that spend more than maybe 7 seconds specifically referring to other people or things that they love by name.  "R.O.C.K. in the whatever" mentions (deep breath) Frankie Lyman, Bobby Fuller, Mitch Ryder, (hey, what about the Detroit Wheels, asshole?), Jackie Wilson, the Shangri-Las, the Young Rascals, Martha Reeves, and let’s don’t forget James Brown.  The song is no better than any other song that pulls this shit:  "Vogue," "We Didn’t Start The Fire," "The Heart Of Rock And Roll," "Land Of 1000 Dances," etc.  In fact, it’s worse.  Why?  See #1.

4)  Flute solo.  Ocarina solo!

I have a terrible feeling that John Mellencamp is literally going to hunt me down and kill me.

3.  Manic Monday – Bangles

Just last week I was talking about Bangles songs I’d rather listen to instead of "Eternal Flame."  Here’s one of them: a really pretty, catchy song, written by His Purpleness.  I really adore it; it’s terribly girly but it’s never bothered me (in case you haven’t noticed, I, too, am terribly girly).

So yes, Prince wrote this song, although it wasn’t originally intended for The Bangles; it was first given to Apollonia for the album he was working on with her in late 1983 and early 1984, Apollonia 6.  However, at some point, Prince must have decided Apollonia wasn’t worth any good material.  In addition to pulling "Manic Monday" (which was included on cassette pre-releases of Apollonia 6), he also took away "The Glamorous Life" (which was actually written about Apollonia) and "Take Me With U," which was used on Purple Rain.  Daaaaamn!  When Prince got the hots for Susanna Hoffs, he wooed her the best way he knew how: he locked her in a bathroom he gave her this song for her band.  I hope Hoffs put out, as Prince gave the band their very first hit.

A rough, scratchy version of the Apollonia version is out there on the Internet – and wouldn’t you know it, I have it.

Apollonia with Prince – Manic Monday (download)

I’m pretty thankful we wound up with the Bangles version.

Here’s something else you may not know about this song: did you know that the line in the bridge is "Doesn’t it matter that I have to feed the both of us – employment’s down?"  I never would have known that in a million years had Mike not looked it up when he had to play it for a gig.  Even now, I’m a bit doubtful.

2.  Kiss – Prince And The Revolution

Here’s what I love: I love a week in which Prince can have two songs in the Top 10, and there’s absolutely no similarity between them at all.  (However, try singing "Manic Monday" over "1999" and you’ll realize that even Prince plagiarized himself every so often.)

Gawd, I love this song.  Overplayed as it is, I love this song.  I wish I could sing this song.  Okay, let me get specific: I wish I could sing this song well.  I can sing it now, but it’s not pretty.

"Kiss" is just a perfect slab of funk.  There’s not a thing wrong with it.  Prince just happened to make all the right choices: to sing almost completely in his 100% effeminate falsetto (even his screech at the end is perfect); to know exactly when to venture into his lower register; to find a chunky drum beat; and to know just how to use that wah pedal.

Believe it or not, I was more familiar with the Tom Jones/Art Of Noise version – I remember buying it on 45 at the time.  It was also, embarrassingly enough, the first time I had ever heard Tom Jones.

1.  Rock Me Amadeus – Falco

So over the course of this week, I’ve been listening to the Top 10 on my iPod.  "Rock Me Amadeus" comes on and I’m all "YES!  I LOVE THIS SONG!"  Instantly, I’m taken back to the summer I first heard this song, I’m remembering playing it on a mix cassette over and over again, rocking out to it and trying to memorize the spoken-word Mozart chronology in the middle.  I’m full of all sorts of excitement and nostalgia.

Then I hear the version I have and realize two things:

1) Wait a minute…this guy’s speaking GERMAN!
2) There’s no spoken-word part in here at all!

I figured I was going to have to come on here and tell you guys how stupid I was, how I must have dreamed the whole thing and you were there and you were there and oh Auntie Em, there’s no place like jasonhare.com…and then I realized that apparently the version I remember is the "Salieri Mix," which eliminates all of the German and does add in a spoken-word chronology.  In English. 

So nevermind.  And God bless America!

I’m going to hell.