Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back, folks – we all made it to Charlene and back with the most of our dignity intact – and hopefully, without any venereal diseases to show for it!

And, you know, we’re not the only ones with a soft spot for Charlene. Mike pointed out this AP article about Shrek The Third. Notably:

Regis Philbin joins the voice cast as Mabel, another ugly stepsister, while Captain Hook, seen briefly singing a Tom Waits song in “Shrek 2,” advances to a speaking role, with vocals by Ian McShane. There are hordes of others, from palace flunkies to medieval Valley Girls to a Wicked Witch singing Charlene’s sappy 1980s hit “I’ve Never Been to Me” as a torch song.

So remember, everybody: when Charlene makes her big 2007 comeback, we ripped her apart first! But now, it’s time to get back to a song that is definitely a strong – and in my mind, obvious – candidate for Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Climax Blues Band – I Love You (download)

Originally formed in 1968 as the Climax Chicago Blues Band, they dropped the “Chicago” in 1970 so as not to not be confused with, um, Chicago. Which seems weird to me. I can’t imagine anybody coming across an ad for “Climax Chicago Blues Band” and think, “awesome, I love Chicago!,” getting there and going, “wait a minute – where the fuck is Cetera? BOOOO!” No, if anything, I’d think the reason for getting rid of “Chicago” would have been the fact that all members of the band were FROM ENGLAND. And what kind of name is “Climax Blues Band,” anyway? Clearly these guys weren’t concerned with getting laid.

Either way, the band was definitely well-versed in the blues; the AMG states that their early work was reminiscent of John Mayall. (I can neither confirm nor deny, as I don’t give a shit.) The band toured and recorded constantly, releasing a staggering eight albums before finally finding chart success with “Couldn’t Get It Right,” from 1976’s Gold Plated. “Couldn’t Get It Right” was the band’s biggest hit, climbing to #3 in 1977. However, in my mind, their best song was this Mellow Gold classic. (I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not I’ve heard any other Climax Blues Band songs.) The song was written by the band’s guitarist (and eventual bassist) Derek Holt, and sung by him as well. We’ll talk more about Holt in a minute, but first, let’s look at what’s so gloriously Mellow about “I Love You.”

What’s not to love about this song? It’s gentle, it’s pretty, and of course, it’s smooth. Listen to those opening keyboards, fluttering in and out of the right and left speakers, only accompanied by the light bass drum and cymbal. Before you know it, these guys have a nice lil’ groove going. And the chorus? Just beautiful. Nice chord choices, with terrific backing vocals and harmonies. The string section is a great touch – never too obtrusive, especially over the simple lead guitar solo.

Lyrically, the song’s not trying to impress anybody. It’s as simple as the title; just a sweet declaration of love. Of course, I love that opening lyric: “when I was a younger man, I hadn’t a care; foolin’ around, hittin’ the town, growin’ my hair.” Something about that third example has always struck me as lame. Growing your hair is a really passive activity. And the other great lyric is found at the end of the same verse: “oooh babe, you got what it takes, so I made you my wife.” Inconsistent tenses aside, this is a terrific lyric. Why? Well, I’m sure Holt wasn’t thinking it at the time, but hello wedding classic! Do those DJs have to pay royalties? If so, Derek Holt is ridin’ high.

The lyrical sentiment of the song, coupled with the gentle music, are perfect Mellow Gold. No talk about sex in a Chevy Van, no Ambrosia-esque seduction, and no Dan Hill weeping: just love, love, love. I mean, listen to those lyrics: he was a freakin’ drunk, she found him, and they went for a walk! That’s it! I mean, I really don’t believe that anything else happened! And after all of this, what does he do? He thanks her for being a friend! (I can neither confirm nor deny a direct Andrew Gold/Derek Holt correlation, to answer your next question.) You can take that Mellow to the bank, baby.

And that’s really all I have to say about the song from the musical/lyrical standpoint. It’s just a simple, pretty, smooth song. Not much snark, I know, but what can I tell you. It’s a great song. I mean, who doesn’t love this song?

Oh, wait. I know who doesn’t love this song: CLIMAX BLUES BAND.

Plenty of bands have sacrificed a portion of their original sound/vibe and headed towards a smoother, pop-friendlier tone. I’m not saying it was always a deliberate move, but it’s happened. My favorite example, of course, is Styx, who had their biggest hit with 1979’s “Babe,” a song that Tommy Shaw has probably hated every single day of his baby-faced life. However, all these years, Shaw accepted it and dealt with being Dennis DeYoung’s bitch, forced to sing backup on it for every concert with the original group. You might imagine that the guys in Climax Blues Band, all rockers, felt the same way about “I Love You.” And you’d be right.

Holt had written the song all on his own, and had recorded a full demo as well to present to the band. The band heard the song and instantly rejected it, as it was pretty much against anything and everything Climax Blues Band stood for. The band had hired producer John Ryan to work with them on their upcoming album, Flying The Flag, and after hearing the songs they were prepared to record, asked the band if they had any other tracks lying around. Holt pulled out “I Love You.” The rest of the band rolled their eyes, and promptly shit their pants when Ryan declared it would be a smash hit.

Well, you gotta hand it to those guys for sticking to their roots, and their guns: they told Holt to go fuck himself. They literally refused to play on the recording. The version that you’re hearing consists of Holt, drummer John Cuffley and, oddly enough, famous session pianist Nicky Hopkins. Holt played the guitar, the bass, and sang all the backing vocals. The guitar solo was written, note-for-note, by Holt, who somehow convinced/forced guitarist Peter John Haycock to commit it to record. Lead singer Colin Cooper was nowhere to be found.

Ryan then added those pretty strings to the record, at which point the other members of Climax Blues Band must have been searching for painless ways to kill either themselves or Holt. And if you thought that this created an uncomfortable situation for the band, you can imagine how things went down when the Warner Bros. execs showed up and ecstatically went apeshit for “I Love You.”

The song, much to the band’s chagrin, was another huge hit (and their first in four years), reaching #12 and becoming a radio favorite. Warner Bros., of course, wanted the band to go out and promote the single. Too bad, so sad: the rest of the band refused to ever play it live. I mean it. EVER. They never once played it in concert. The band would have preferred to remain a one-hit wonder of sorts than back Holt on his pansy-ass tune. And when you think about it, you have to give them credit for at least staying true to what they believed was the true Climax Blues Band sound.

Clearly an event like this caused plenty of bad blood within the band, and a year later, Holt decided to leave and form his own band, Grand Alliance. Who can blame him? It’s hard to say whether his presence was missed, as Climax Blues Band was a revolving door in terms of members, anyway. After five drummers, five keyboardists, four bassists and three guitarists over their career, the only constant has been Cooper on vocals.

If you’re interested in more information on the band, check out their official website, although it hasn’t been updated in a couple of years. However, it’s there that you’ll find their boast about being included in the Guinness’ Who’s Who Of The Blues, although it hasn’t been confirmed whether this is the same as those targeted letters you received during your junior year about being included in Who’s Who Of College Students. You’ll also find a nifty history page where the current members pretend to give a shit about former members. All we know about Derek Holt is that he “runs a pub in Stafford, where he plays two nights a week.” And remember poor Peter John Haycock, the reluctant soloist on “I Love You?” Here’s what we get about him:

The band refuses to comment on events surrounding Pete’s departure at the end of 1984, with the view that websites are no place to get involved in personal differences.

This is kind of like taking the high road, but not really. I was really hoping they would have included, right afterwards, “but Pete’s a cock.”

And with that, I bid you a fond, mellow farewell for this week – see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

I love writing about music.  You love reading about music.  We’re a match made in heaven.  But the most fun part of blogging, for me, is in the relationships we create with each other.  Some of those relationships are virtual, some are real-life relationships, and some have morphed into an interesting combination of both.  We spend a lot of time, in these relationships, snarking and discussing music – which is fun as all hell, but at the end of the day, doesn’t change much in the world.

Jeff Giles came up with a brilliant idea.

http://www.bloggersforacure.com

Here’s the deal: we want to help the Malchus family reach – and hopefully exceed – their goal of raising $2500 for the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis in Valencia, CA on June 2, 2007.  If you make a donation, you’ll not only be showing that the blogging community can make a difference, but you’ll also be entered in the running for some fantastic prizes (including a 250GB hard drive full of music from the Jefito Collection, which is music nerd porn if ever there were such a thing).

So what are you waiting for?  Let’s help the Malchus family – and all those who have been affected – beat cystic fibrosis!

http://www.bloggersforacure.com

Bloggers For A Cure is a joint effort, led by Jeff Giles, and comprised of:

T-Sides | Py Korry | The Lovely Mrs. Davis Tells You What to Think | Mulberry Panda 96 | Lost in the ’80s | Jeff Vrabel | I Like Your Crappy Band | Jason Hare | Down With Snark! | You Must Be From Away | Kurt’s Krap | Jefitoblog

Hey, everybody!  It’s Friday, and time for CHART ATTACK!  Before I get started, I need to give another huge thanks to the amazing writers who covered my ass during the month of March.  Give it up for Matthew, Kurt, Robert, Carlos and Jeff, who all did an unbelievable job (and, frankly, made me wish I had never given away those weeks!).  Be sure to check out their sites for more examples of excellent writing.  And now, it’s time for me to get back into the swing of things – apologies in advance if I’m a bit rusty, it’s been over a month – and let’s attack April 8, 1989!

10.  Funky Cold Medina – Tone-Loc  Amazon iTunes
9.  Walk The Dinosaur – Was (Not Was)  Amazon iTunes
8.  Dreamin’ – Vanessa Williams  Amazon iTunes
7.  My Heart Can’t Tell You No – Rod Stewart  Amazon iTunes
6.  Stand – R.E.M.  Amazon iTunes
5.  Like A Prayer – Madonna  Amazon iTunes
4.  She Drives Me Crazy – Fine Young Cannibals  Amazon iTunes
3.  Girl You Know It’s True – Milli Vanilli  Amazon
2.  Eternal Flame – Bangles  Amazon iTunes
1.  The Look – Roxette  Amazon iTunes

Bless you, Was and Was, stealing our hearts with a mere "Boom boom, acka lacka lacka boom."  David Was (née Weiss) and Don Was (née Fagenson) were – and are – talented musicians, producers and consultants.  You may know Don from his work directing and producing the Brian Wilson documentary I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times.  There’s even a Mellow Gold connection: Don co-wrote, with Paul Reiser, the theme song for Mad About You – sung by Andrew Gold!

I think it’s pretty clear why "The Dinosaur" didn’t necessarily catch on as the next big dance craze, don’t you think?  Do you think the Wassholes closely studied videos of the Electric Slide and tried to figure out what worked?  And do you think they sent flaming bags of poo to the jackoffs who invented the Macarena?

8.  Dreamin’ – Vanessa Williams

I’ll take choice #3. 

So "Dreamin’" was written by Willie Nelson, who was backstage at Farm Aid in 1987 when an old issue of Penthouse fell out of a roadie’s backpack – and, as luck would have it – the issue opened right up to Vanessa Williams’ spread.  Nelson took one look at her and dropped his bong, shattering it into a million pieces.  "I’m gonna write a song for that there lady," Willie announced to nobody in particular, and put pen to hemp-based paper.  His initial version, though, was entitled "Creamin’," which was deemed to be inappropriate for a woman who would appear in the esteemed pages of Penthouse.  One letter-change later, a hit was born.

And look at that – we’re at the end of another entry!  Thanks again for being so patient as I got my act back together – and we’ll see you next week for another edition of CHART ATTACK!

You guys, I’m a bad blogger. I haven’t really posted much in a while. I know you’re all perfectly nice people, and you can probably forgive me for that. But I don’t know if you can forgive me for being a mean blogger.

You see, I’ve worked so hard to gain your respect, your readership, and most importantly, your readership. And it all ends today, with this edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold. Believe it or not, I AM sorry for this one, and hope you’ll forgive me one day.

Charlene – I’ve Never Been To Me (download)

That sound you just heard was Jeremy sending bomb threats to my ISP.

Let’s get one thing out of the way, right now. This song is very, very mellow. Very smooth, too. Is it traditional “Mellow Gold?” No, not really. Certainly not in the same way as many of our male artists (and yes, we’ve discussed the differences between male and female MG artists, too, with no real definitive answers). But I’m covering it because it’s been requested by a few people, and also because when it was last mentioned here, people seemed to get really angry about it.

I think that’s funny.

If you like “I’ve Never Been To Me,” well, one could say you’re entitled to your own opinion. For my part, I think this song is pretty terrible. It’s sappy in the worst ways imaginable, both lyrically and musically.

I really don’t know much about Charlene, and I’m not convinced that anybody really needs to know that much about Charlene. Quick backstory: Charlene signed with Motown in 1973. In 1976, she recorded “I’ve Never Been To Me” and released it on her album Charlene. However, the song didn’t take off, possibly because of its spoken interlude smack in the middle. (More on this later.) In 1977, the song was re-released without the bridge on her album Songs Of Love. It reached #97, but still, no hit.

In 1982, the famous DJ Scott Shannon was working down at WRBQ in Tampa, and somehow brought the song back to the airwaves. (Here’s where Scott Shannon works now, in case you’d like to send him a thank-you note.) Shannon generated significant interest in the tune. Motown threw Charlene back into the studio, where she re-recorded the song, with the spoken word section intact. “I’ve Never Been To Me” reached #3 in the U.S. in May of 1982, and even hit #1 in the U.K.

“I’ve Never Been To Me” is Charlene’s plea to housewives everywhere who long for the glamorous life: “don’t wish for my life of luxury, ladies, for yes, I’ve done many wonderful things, but I don’t know who I really am. Stick to your dish pan hands.” Never mind the fact that the things that Charlene mentions in her song – such as sipping champagne on a yacht and making love in the sun here on Thunder Island – sound pretty damn good. So what if I wind up never going to me? I’d much rather go to Greece, anyway. Me sucks.

This song establishes its mellow-icity from the first four words: “hey lady, you lady.” Now, we’ve already established that calling a female “lady,” or “woman” is a trait distinctive to Mellow Gold. However, here’s where the gender confuses things: there’s just something that sounds wrong when it’s used by a woman. And “hey lady, you lady” is a phrase I never really want to hear, not even by Jerry Lewis. Unless Charlene says it while wearing a Jerry Lewis costume. (I will accept you either as Nutty Professor Jerry, Charlene, or as Steroids Jerry. Your choice.)

Accompanied by gentle piano and strings, Charlene lays (heh) out her tale for us. She’s a whore who regrets all she’s done in her life, and wants to pass on her worldly advice. And I don’t mean “a whore” in a male misogynistic kind of way: I mean she’s an actual whore. I’m convinced of it. The proof:

Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun

(Having sex with preachers? Slutty move.)

I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see

(I’m guessing she’s probably talking about Mel Tormé’s scrotum.)

And, of course there’s THIS line:

I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free

Okay, she could be using “whoring” as a symbol for something else, but when you add it up with the previous lines, I’m thinking she’s being pretty direct.

So yes, this song is Charlene’s cautionary tale. And yet, Charlene didn’t bother to warn people about more pressing matters, like her haircut or fashion sense.

Hey, lady! Who picked out your clothes, Stevie Wonder?

Unfortunately, Charlene’s cautionary tale to housewives everywhere fails completely. Instead, Charlene comes off as a spoiled brat who’s been given plenty of wonderful opportunities, but can’t appreciate them. All we get is this whole self-absorbed whine of “but I’ve never been to me!” Listen, I’m an emotional guy, and I’m not saying that therapy is a bad thing. But if anybody ever says to you, “you know what your issue is, Benny? You’ve never been to you,” then I think you should kick ’em in the teeth and run the fuck out of that office.

Still, Charlene needed to let the entire world know that although she spent the better part of a decade with her legs hiiiiigh up in the air, she had never been to her. Oh, thank you, Charlene! How can we ever repay you? In a way that doesn’t involve giving you money for sex, I mean?

I haven’t even started in on the spoken word middle section.

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie!
A fantasy we created about people and places
As we like them to be!
But you know what truth is?
It’s that little baby you’re holding!
And it’s that man you fought with this morning!
The same one you’re gonna make love to tonight!
That’s truth! That’s love!

Does anybody know if the housewife suicide rate increased in 1982?

I don’t know what possessed the Motown people to reintroduce this oddly insulting middle section into the song. But if they were so insistent on it, why’d they stop there? Speak all over the damn thing! How much more entertaining would the opening verse be if it went alittlesumthin’likethis:

Hey lady,
“uh, me?”
You, lady,
“Oh. You really are talking to me. When was the last time you showered?”
Cursing at your life
“motherfucker!”

And so on. Let’s make this song a full dialogue! Let’s tell Charlene what we think of her, while she’s busy bragging about her bullshit life! And when was the last time a whore sounded this good, anyway? I mean, if she’s really done all the stuff she says she’s done, don’t you think she’d come out a little worse for the wear, maybe sounding like Lunchlady Doris from The Simpsons?

Although I did post an unflattering picture of her above, the truth is that not only did she sound pretty, but she looked pretty, too. Observe:

1982 suspenders on loan from Mork from Ork

So here we have a lady (heh) that looks and sounds appealing, and is regaling us with tales of her “subtle whoring.” I can’t say for sure, but I imagine the male side of the music industry responded with a hearty “hey, fresh meat!” I mean, surely somebody in the biz must have listened to her song – one where she still sounds a little weak-willed – and decided this was a woman worth taking advantage of, right? Right?

“No, when I said ‘you can touch my Oscar…'”

If there’s anybody in the biz who’s gonna respond to “subtle whoring,” it’s good ol’ Stevie Wonder. He’s perhaps the mackin’est blind piano player in the universe, behind Ray Charles (but Ray’s dead, so he’s out of the race). Yes, it’s true: Stevie and Charlene made beautiful music together.

“That’s the last time we let Stevie get final approval on picture singles!”

“Used To Be” was Charlene’s only other successful attempt in the biz: it reached #46 on the charts. Charlene seemingly disappeared from public view, although “I’ve Never Been To Me” enjoyed a resurgence in 1994, when it was used in the film Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. Recently, Priscilla was turned into a musical, and Charlene went down to Australia to promote it. Here’s a recent clip of her performing her hit. Her voice and looks still hold up relatively well, but you can’t beat the original video.

[youtube]WsRDsw2zMP8[/youtube]

And according to this LiveJournal entry, Charlene has been guesting on some gigs in the L.A. area. That’s about all I can find. I mean, you can try going to her official website, but the site’s been temporarily disabled. Maybe her webmaster realized he’d never been to him and quit.

To close out this ridiculously snarky Mellow Gold entry, I thought I’d summarize some important facts about this song. Enjoy.

Places Charlene Has Been To

1) Georgia
2) California
3) Nice
4) The Isle Of Greece
5) Planned Parenthood
6) Charlie Sheen

Places Charlene Has Never Been To

1) Talented
2) Sheboygan
3) My Balls

See you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Here are a few of my favorite photos from our gig at The Bitter End on Friday.  Full album can be found here.  Thanks to everybody who came!  (And special thanks to Jess, who was on camera duty the entire night.)