Not sure what’s going on with my spam filter lately, but I’m noticing that quite a few comments are ending up in the spam folder (and not just yours, Robert).  Because hundreds of spam messages come through daily, I only sift through it every few days, but I’m going to try and get to it at least once a day. 

If you’ve attempted to post a comment and you’re not seeing it, don’t post a second time; instead, please send me an e-mail at jason (at) jasonhare dot com if you are so inclined, and I’ll look into it to see if it got caught in the filter.  I unfortunately don’t know how to stop it from sensing that some of your comments are spam, and I’m sure as hell not going to turn the damn thing off…trust me on this one!

Thanks for your patience.

It’s pretty obvious that when it comes to CHART ATTACK!, I tend to stay within the ’80s, sometimes the late ’70s or early ’90s.  This week, I decided to pick a year between 1980 and 2000 at random.   As a result, I’m going to make all of us feel really, really old.  In fact, I guarantee this will be the most unpopular Chart Attack! yet – how’s that for a reason to stick around?  Hold on to your walkers and let’s check out the charts from May 10, 1997!

10.  Wannabe – Spice Girls  Amazon iTunes
9.  Hard To Say I’m Sorry – Az Yet Featuring Peter Cetera  Amazon iTunes
8.  Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? – Paula Cole  Amazon iTunes
7.  Return Of The Mack – Mark Morrison  Amazon
6.  MMMBop – Hanson  Amazon iTunes
5.  For You I Will – Monica  Amazon iTunes
4.  I Want You – Savage Garden  Amazon iTunes
3.  Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down – Puff Daddy Featuring Ma$e  Amazon iTunes
2.  You Were Meant For Me – Jewel  Amazon iTunes
1.  Hypnotize – The Notorious B.I.G.  Amazon iTunes

At the end of the day, though, I’m not quite sure what the difference was between this single and, oh, anything by Boyz II Men.  In fact, a former member of Boyz II Men, Marc Nelson, was placed into Az Yet by Babyface shortly before they recorded their debut.  I’m not trying to sound like your dad when he says "all of your rock music sounds the same."  (Um, sorry, dad.)  I just don’t hear what made these guys unique.  Apparently I’m not the only one, as this was the band’s last single of any consequence.  The group is supposedly back together after a breakup, but they’re going through that Spartacus/Beach Boys bullshit where there are multiple incarnations of the band arguing that they’re the real Az Yet.  News flash, gentlemen: you’re not that important that anybody’s going to see you based on your original name.   Just name yourselves Winger or something.

"MMMBop" became incredibly, excruciatingly annoying, without a doubt – but it’s still a strong pop song, I still think their major-label debut, Middle Of Nowhere was a solid record.  ("Man From Milwaukee," the bonus track, was my favorite, but "Where’s The Love" was a great song as well.)  "MMMBop," produced by The Dust Brothers, soared to #1 in many territories across the world, and actually received high marks from critics.  Anybody who thought that Hanson was just another teenybopper, flash-in-the-pan group has been proved wrong: the band is still together, now as indie artists, and continue to record and perform.

Delone Catholic High School in McSherrystown, Pennsylvania, for example, held a student-created fundraiser for victims of Hurricane Katrina called "Stop the Bop." The school played the song before classes begin in the morning, and between each period over the school PA system. The playing of this song was only stopped when the school raised $3,000 for hurricane relief and the school thereby "stopped the bop." After the fundraising had concluded, Hanson responded by matching the students’ donation as well as sending a copy of their 2004 album Underneath for every student in the school.

Love it!

I don’t really have anything interesting to say about this song, but I can tell you that it was the fifth Top 10 single for Monica; her first eight singles all reached the Top 10, actually, with "For You I Will" peaking at #4.  While her latest album did reach #8 on the Billboard Top 200, she hasn’t made any chart impact since ’99, and is unfortunately better known these days for her controversial love life; in 2000, her boyfriend locked himself in his car and committed suicide by shooting himself in the head while she was standing outside, trying to get in; she was also involved in a controversial relationship with rapper C-Murder.  Not to make light of the situation, but this is why I never get involved with anybody with the word "Murder" in their name.  Friendships are fine.

Man, was that the worst experiment ever, huh?  Hope it wasn’t too torturous for you.  I just wanted to see if I could do something a bit outside my comfort zone.  Come back next week – I promise I won’t be covering the hits of Dru Hill and Third Eye Blind.  (Maybe.)  Have a great weekend!

Brace yourselves, Mellow Miners: it’s gonna get a little gloomy here today. Here are the rules: you’re allowed to stick your lower lip out, you’re allowed to find a teddy bear to hold on to, you’re even allowed to weep if you feel it’s absolutely necessary. But that’s as far as I’m going to let it go. I don’t want to open the paper tomorrow and hear about some wuss jumping off a bridge because the most recent Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold was just too much for their poor heart to take. Agreed? Okay, let’s go.

Robert John – Sad Eyes (download)

(sniffle)

“Sad Eyes” has been on “the list” to cover for a while now, but I was reminded of it last week when Mike mentioned a compilation called Easy Rock. There it is, right at the end of Disc 2, sandwiched in between “Couldn’t Get It Right” and “Bluer Than Blue.” There’s Mellow Gold for you: ending your compilation on the most depressing note possible. The theory might have been that if you made it all the way through the second disc, there was probably little hope for you, anyway. (I suppose that this could theoretically be applied to anybody who’s made it to MG #31, but let’s not think about that – just remember today’s rules, please.)

Anyway, Robert John. His morose but oh-so-mellow gem made it all the way to #1 in October of 1979. But as you’ll see, the trip to #1 was one long journey for this guy, leaving us to wonder what’s sadder: the singer or the song.

Dave Mason called, he wants his collar back.

Robert John was actually born Robert John Pedwick, Jr. in 1946. As a youngster, he honed his vocal chops in doo-wop groups on Brooklyn street corners. In 1958, at the ripe old age of 12, he experienced his first taste of fame: he was signed to Big Top Records, a burgeoning new label that focused primarily on singles. His song, “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes,” was only the fourth release for Big Top, which eventually went on to sign Del Shannon (their biggest success) and Johnny & The Hurricanes. “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes” reached #74 in Fall of 1958. Not a huge hit, but not bad for a kid, right? Surely Robert John thought that fortune and fame were just around the corner.

Robert John was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Really, really, really, wrong.

While he did have some minor success – his ’59 follow-up, “Pajama Party” didn’t break the Hot 100, but sold well, and he sang lead on “My Jelly Bean” by Bobby & The Consoles in 1963, a New York hit – none of it even matched his debut, and certainly wasn’t enough to pay the bills. He changed his name to Robert John, and began working as both a producer and a songwriter. His demos attracted execs at Columbia Records, who released John’s song “If You Don’t Want My Love” in 1968. The single peaked at #49, John’s biggest hit to date. In 1972, on Atlantic, John re-recorded the Tokens’ hit “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” produced by Hank Medress, one of the original Tokens. “Lion” spent seven weeks in the Top 10, and reached #3. However, Atlantic wouldn’t let him record a full album, and John quit the business.

Producer George Tobin (who, as we know, went on to work with Kim Carnes and Tiffany, among others) had been a fan of “If You Don’t Want My Love,” and convinced John to collaborate with him on a few songs. To make an already long story short, John wrote and recorded “Sad Eyes,” got picked up by EMI, and finally topped the charts.

New for 1979: a hit single from your accountant!

“Sad Eyes” clearly reflected John’s penchant for doo-wop music. In fact, he blended the smooth ’70s soft rock sound with doo-wop quite well. There weren’t any typical doo-wop vocals, but the beat and rhythm guitar part were straight outta the ’50s, as was John’s ever-strong falsetto. At the same time, you’ve got synths all around, gentle strings, some really pretty backing vocals, and – of course – a key change. Would it have killed John to throw in a sax, or maybe some Michael McDonald on the chorus? I’m just saying.

He does have one guest on the song: this chick that comes out of friggin’ nowhere at the end and starts wailing over the last chorus. I don’t know who this is, but I imagine she also auditioned for Merry Clayton’s part on “Gimme Shelter.” I like to think of her as a crazy woman who snuck her way into various recording studios, hid behind an amplifier until an artist was recording their last chorus, and then just went to town with ad-libs. Maybe that’s what really happened, and John happened to run out of studio time or something and couldn’t record another take. Okay, I’m pretty sure this didn’t happen, but at this point I’m just entertaining myself with these thoughts so I’m sticking with ’em.

And how sad are these lyrics?

Try to remember the magic that we shared
In time your broken heart will mend
I never used you, you knew I really cared
I hate to see it have to end
But it’s over.

Yeah, that’s pretty sad. But here’s what I can’t figure out. The song is sung to the woman, right? Check out the first verse.

Looks like it’s over, you knew I couldn’t stay
She’s comin’ home today
We had a good thing, I’ll miss your sweet love
Why must you look at me that way?
It’s over.

“She’s comin’ home today.” Now, I’ve thought about this every which way I can. The only thing I can come up with is that John is a married man, cheating on his wife who’s out of town. That’s not very mellow of you, Robert John. And, might I add, such behavior does not befit a man who routinely squeezes his nuts like two grapefruits in order to hit those high notes. (Okay, small grapefruits.)

“Sad Eyes” was accompanied by a promotional video that cost the label approximately thirty-seven dollars. It’s John, in a really fashionable sweater (I’m lying), sitting on a chair, surrounded in smoke. As if that’s going to stop us from focusing on his abnormally large forehead.

[youtube]C5wa9bwlbwg[/youtube]

Thanks to “Señor Gasmo” for uploading the clip. I am envious of your name, sir.

When “Sad Eyes” hit #1, Robert John made music history in the kind of way appropriate for a Mellow Gold artist. Remember “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes”? (You should, I only wrote about it two minutes ago. Jeez.) That song first charted in November of 1958. When John had his #1 hit, he set the record for the longest span between chart debut and #1: 20 years, 11 months. John kept this record until 1984, when Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” extended the gap to a full 24 years.

Additionally, “Sad Eyes” entered the charts on May 19, 1979, but didn’t hit #1 until October 6th, 1979, 21 weeks later – tying the record for “Slowest Mover To #1” with Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child In The City.” (Both were defeated by “Chariots Of Fire” in 1981, and as far as I know, “Macarena” now holds the record – 49 weeks – although it fell off the charts for 16 weeks in the middle somewhere.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s nice to be noticed for any sort of record-setting, but if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t choose records like “Longest Span Between Debut And #1” and “The Little Mellow Single That Could.”

So…poor Robert John. He didn’t give up in 1959. He didn’t give up in 1968. Oddly enough, he gave up after finally having chart success in 1972, and then inexplicably wound up with a #1 in 1979. That’s dedication! That’s pathetic perseverance! That’s Mellow Gold!

John had a few other minor hits (go ahead, tell me about ’em in the comments), but his last chart appearance was with “Bread And Butter” on Motown in 1983. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing anymore; he’s probably living in Norway or something. Regardless, we’ll always have this mellow gem to remind of the man who waited 20 years, 11 months for his chart-topper. And he couldn’t even hold on to that record. Sad eyes, indeed.

Thanks for reading, and check you back here next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Happy Friday, everybody!  Here’s one thing we can say about this week’s Billboard Top 10: everybody wanted to boogie.  That’s right: we’re going back to those somewhat awful days of disco (although, sadly, no Bee Gees) as we attack May 5, 1979!

10.  He’s The Greatest Dancer – Sister Sledge  Amazon iTunes
9.  Take Me Home – Cher  Amazon iTunes
8.  Goodnight Tonight – Wings  Amazon
7.  I Want Your Love – Chic  Amazon iTunes
6.  In The Navy – Village People  Amazon
5.  Stumblin’ In – Suzi Quatro & Chris Norman  Amazon
4.  Knock On Wood – Amii Stewart  Amazon
3.  Music Box Dancer – Frank Mills  Amazon iTunes
2.  Heart Of Glass – Blondie  Amazon iTunes
1.  Reunited – Peaches & Herb  Amazon iTunes

10.  He’s The Greatest Dancer – Sister Sledge

Welcome to Chic Week here on Chart Attack!  You’d be forgiven if you mistook “He’s The Greatest Dancer” for a Chic song, because, well, it is a Chic song.  You’d also be forgiven for thinking it was a Will Smith song.  An entire generation of people – myself included – will always hear this and pretty much only think of “Gettin’ Jiggy With It.”

In 1975, Sister Sledge had a moderate hit (#31 on the R&B Chart) with “Love Don’t You Go Through No Changes On Me.”  However, further successes proved hard to come by, and the band (four sisters, and yes, Sledge is their last name) decided perhaps it was time to break up.  Enter the unbelievably funktastic team of Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards, who agreed to produce the album that would become We Are Family.  At the time, Chic was preparing to record their own album, C’est Chic, which was to include “He’s The Greatest Dancer.”  Similarly, Sister Sledge were slated to record “I Want Your Love.”  Edwards and Rodgers traded the songs, and both wound up with hits.  “He’s The Greatest Dancer” hit #1 on the R&B chart, and peaked at #9 on the Hot 100; but more importantly, it paved the way for “We Are Family,” also written by Nile and Bernard, and easily their biggest and most recognizable hit.

Sisters are dancin’ it for themselves (groan!):

[youtube]7LUie81E82k[/youtube]

9.  Take Me Home – Cher

In the late ’70s, everybody was hoppin’ aboard the disco train – some more shamelessly than others.  This is hardly the most shameless example, but it’s a pretty blatant attempt to just go with what was working at the time.  It’s almost as if the song’s writers made a bet to see how many disco clichés they could possibly fit into one song.  You’ve got your hyperactive strings arpeggiating (is that a word?), your powerful bassline, and of course, where would we be without the wakka-chikka-wakka guitar?

Speaking of guitar, that’s Steve Lukather playing it.  Well, at least I’m assuming it is.  But check out the session notes for the album in general: you’ve got Lukather, Jay Graydon (!), Harold Faltermeyer (!!), David Paich and Jeff Porcaro, Paul Shaffer, Luther Vandross and Mr. Ed!  Oh, wait, sorry.  That last one is actually Cher.

According to the Wiki, this was Cher’s first Top 10 since ’74, and “ironically, it would be her last for almost another decade, until ‘I Found Someone’ in 1987.”  Um, is it just me, or is there actually no irony there?  Replace the word “ironically” with “proving that most of the time, the record-buying public knows better,” and I’m down with it.

And on another note, we couldn’t do any better than this cover?

8.  Goodnight Tonight – Wings

The boogie of 1979 continues!  Here, we have Paul McCartney’s attempt at creating a dance song without selling out completely to disco like stupid Cher.  Here’s what “Goodnight Tonight” has going for it:  a strong, funky bassline that carries most of the song, and an extremely catchy chorus.  However, it falls far short everywhere else.   The song just can’t seem to decide what it wants to be. There’s a little Beatles in there, a little Steve Miller, and a terrible (terrible!) “breakdown” at around the 3:00 mark.  Why, Macca, why?

7.  I Want Your Love – Chic

So, as we mentioned above, Chic wound up using this song for themselves, although it was originally slated for their project with Sister Sledge.  Despite Nile Rodgers being a genius musician and producer and Bernard Edwards being one of the greatest bassists ever, this band clearly had a formula and were shameless about their reliance on that formula.  I’m not going to do another mashup, but clearly you could mix “I Want Your Love” with “He’s The Greatest Dancer” with “Good Times” and…you get the point.  This song loses points for the doorbell that echoes the vocal in the chorus, but I could listen to Edwards play bass all day – even if I’m stuck listening to inane lyrics like “I want your love, I need your love/Just like the birds need sky above/I’ll share my dreams and make you see/How really bad your love I need.”

6.  In The Navy – Village People

“They want you!  They want you!  They want you as a new recruit!”

Um, actually, no, Village People.  They don’t want you.  I mean, they want you, but if you could maybe minus out the homosexual part, that’d be just great.  Oh, I love the fact that the Navy was actually supportive of this song.  They wanted to use the song as a promotional tool.  Henri Belolo, one of the svengalis behind the group, agreed to give the song to the Navy free of charge, provided that the Navy help facilitate a navel naval-themed music video.  The Navy got right behind supported the idea all the way, providing the Village People with various ships and a plethora of hunky Navy men as extras – all on the San Diego Naval Base.  Of course, all these free services on government property meant that taxpayers were essentially paying for the Indian to strut around in front of our hard diligent servicemen.  Enough complaints were lodged after the video made it to air that the Navy had gay sex canceled their promotion altogether.  I believe the official word was that the Navy shouldn’t be associating themselves with music groups, although I’m pretty sure the complaint was actually about another aspect.

Check out the video.  Sadly, there’s only one brief moment involving any extras.  I can’t stop laughing, thinking about those poor Navy boys having to stand there and watch the Village People prance in front of them.

[youtube]2e8oWKMnKU8[/youtube]

Does anybody have the cover of “In The Navy” by Pink Lady, called “Pink Typhoon,” where the chorus is changed to “Pink-a-lady?”  I’m dying to hear it.  (I heart Pink Lady.)

5.  Stumblin’ In – Suzi Quatro & Chris Norman

Wow, this song sucks.

(I kind of want to just leave it at that.  But I won’t.)

“Stumblin’ In” is one of the most loveless, uninspired duets ever.  These two d-bags can’t even bother to harmonize with each other – they just sing the same vocal line, an octave apart.  The song starts with the chorus, leading off with the line “our love is alive,” sounding like they’re reading off of cue cards.  I barely know anything about either of these people and really can’t be bothered to research them.  So here’s what I know, very briefly:

Suzi Quatro:  Played “Leather Tuscadero” on Happy Days.  Was always next to “Queen” in the record bin.  That’s the only reason I know her.

Chris Norman:  Lead singer of Smokie, a British glam-rock band that I’ve never heard of.  Sounds to me like he was called in because Mellencamp wasn’t available.

The video on YouTube is just about as lame as the record itself.  Maybe lamer.

[youtube]pYgTAyIkpyg[/youtube]

4.  Knock On Wood – Amii Stewart

Finally, we get to something good on this Chart Attack! – and how sad is this: out of 10 songs, “Knock On Wood” is the one with the biggest balls.  But here’s the thing: I can’t be the only one here who didn’t know this was a cover, right?  Right??  This is simply the only version of “Knock On Wood” that I’ve ever known.  But to my credit, when I first heard the amazing main riff, I immediately thought that someone should either do a hard rock or soul cover of it.  So at least my instincts were on the money, right?  Right??

Did everybody leave?

Anyway, so yes, “Knock On Wood” is a disco cover of a song originally released by Eddie Floyd in 1967, co-written by Floyd and Steve Cropper (giving me yet another reason to be in awe of Cropper).  And when I found the list of artists who have covered it, I felt even dumber.  It’s been covered by tons of artists, including (deep breath) Wilson Pickett, David Bowie, Otis Redding, Ike and Tina, Eric Clapton, Michael Bolton, Justine Bateman, Buddy Guy, and oh, who else might have covered it?

(By the way, Stewart’s version of “Knock On Wood” was #1 for only one week in 1979, but it displaced “What A Fool Believes” from the top.  I don’t know what to think.)

So when you look at the artists that have performed this song (and I’ve now listened to about five different ones), Stewart’s comes up way short – and it’s sad that it was the highest-charting (and clearly most recognizable) of all versions.

There are tons of videos of “Knock On Wood” on YouTube.  I’m trying not to be a YouTube whore this week (clearly I’m failing), so I’ll just link to ones I like:  Buddy Guy’s performance, Amii Stewart’s “live” performance (the girl can dance!), and – my favorite – Stewart’s version set to a Wonder Woman compilation.  (I heart Lynda Carter.)

3.  Music Box Dancer – Frank Mills (download)

I never had this kind of conversation with my classical piano teacher when I was a kid, but I imagine had I ever asked her if she was familiar with “popular music,” this song would have been her only answer.

I’ll give $5 out of Kurt’s wallet to the person who can explain this song’s success to me.  Like many of you, I’ve heard “Music Box Dancer” before – from, well, a music box (duh), or an ice cream truck.  I’m not saying that the song isn’t pretty.  But if you step back and look at the other 9 songs on this list – mostly dance songs – the fact that this not only was a popular song but a #3 hit is just perplexing.  I mean, it’s an instrumental, it’s drowning in a tepid drum beat and lame strings, and – perhaps the worst part – it’s just the same 50-second part, three times in a row!  What gives, America?  I’m not taking the blame here – I was only 2 years old.  The rest of you – you have some explaining to do.  Come on, one of you must have bought it.  ‘Fess up!

Frank Mills is a Canadian piano pianist and musician who was a member of a group called The Bells in the late ’60s and early ’70s.  (Their hit, “Stay Awhile,” is about as familiar to me as the original version of “Knock On Wood.”)  As a solo artist, he found limited success (one single, “Love Me, Love Me Love” hit #46), and was dropped by his record label.  Mills decided to record “Music Box Dancer” in ’74 on his own (ooh, indie!).  Inexplicably, an exec at Polydor heard the song a full five years later, and decided it could be a hit.  He was right.  I don’t understand anything anymore.  But I have a hankering for some Rocky Road right about now.

2.  Heart Of Glass – Blondie (download)

I was never a huge Blondie fan, nor was I ever more than casually interested in the new wave/punk movement; therefore, I can listen to “Heart Of Glass” and simply think that it’s a really enjoyable song, rather than being influenced by the controversy surrounding it at the time.  In a nutshell, “Heart Of Glass” was considered to be the moment that Blondie “sold out,” catering to pop culture’s disco obsession and leaving behind the sound that defined them in the first place.  “Heart Of Glass” began life as “Once I Had A Love,” a laid-back reggae tune that the band recorded in 1975.

Blondie – Once I Had A Love (’75) (download)

Good luck getting all the way through this one!

The band performed the song live on a regular basis, and in 1978, sped up the tempo and added a touch of disco, hence the new title:

Blondie – Once I Had A Love (AKA The Disco Song) (download)

As you can hear, the 1978 version is much closer in form and style to the version that was eventually released.  The final “Heart Of Glass” was supposedly inspired by both “Stayin’ Alive” and Kraftwerk, and was molded into a full disco number by producer Mike Chapman.  (Hey, he produced Suzi Quatro…oh, nevermind, nobody cares.)  It was Blondie’s first US hit (and a #1 at that), and earned them a Grammy for Best Disco Recording.  Eat it….uh…everybody else in this Top 10!

Apart from being a great disco/rock song (yes, it’s both), I just think Debbie Harry is incredibly sexy when she sings this.  You probably know the iconic video, but here’s a lip-synced performance from the same time period that’s a lot of fun.  Here’s Blondie performing the song in 2004 for Sessions @ AOL.  I don’t care much for Harry’s performance, but I love the arrangement, and I think drummer Clem Burke just gets better with age.  (Check out around 4:40 – I like pretending this is what Keith Moon would have sounded like in the 21st century.)

Did you guys know that Debbie Harry was Jefito’s mom’s babysitter?  It’s true.  Mention Blondie to him anytime and he’ll tell you.  Repeatedly.  He’s like Rain Man without the toothpicks.

1.  Reunited – Peaches & Herb

Okay, let me see if I can get this straight: “Herb” has always been Herb, but “Peaches” has actually been a role filled by five different women over the years.  By the time “Reunited” became a hit, Herb Fame (no, that’s not his real last name) was on Peaches #3, Linda Greene.  Greene had replaced Marlene Mack, who was really only a touring stand-in for the original Peaches, Francine Barker, who actually grew up with the nickname “Peaches.”  All “Peaches” were selected with the assistance of Van McCoy, renowned record producer and the man behind the song “The Hustle.”  Everybody got that?  Anybody care?

Peaches & Herb had a number of R&B successes in their career between 1965 and 1970; however, Herb quit the business and joined the police department, holding down a job until 1976 when he decided to get back into the business.  I guess Herb really wanted people to know that the band was back together, as their next was “We’re Still Together.”  It was followed by such hits as “I Used To Work For The Police” and “Please Give A Warm Welcome To Peaches #3.”

In 1978, the duo had their biggest hit to date: “Shake Your Groove Thing,” a direct result of signing with Polydor (you have to wonder: was it the same exec as the one behind fucking “Music Box Dancer”?) and working with Freddie Perren, who co-produced many early Jackson 5 hits (as part of The Corporation) and also wrote “I Will Survive.”  Perren penned “Reunited,” which was, to say the least, an unlikely follow-up to “Shake Your Groove Thing.”  Polydor was opposed to releasing a ballad after their dance hit, but “Reunited” surprised them all: it topped both pop and R&B charts for a full month.

Peaches & Herb disbanded once again in 1983, only to resurface in 1990 with Peaches #4.  Herb didn’t give up his police job this time, though, which was probably a smart move; their hitmaking days were over.  Check out this clip of “Reunited” from American Bandstand, and forget about the Pablo Cruise t-shirt; someone get me Herb’s suit.

And that brings us to the end of another week of Billboard-y goodness!  Have a fantastic weekend, and see you next week for another CHART ATTACK!

Here’s a question, everybody: how did we get this far in Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold – #30! – without covering Pablo Cruise? I intend to remedy this right now!

Pablo Cruise – Love Will Find A Way (download)

Honestly, I don’t know why you guys read what I write: up until ten minutes ago, I thought Pablo Cruise was a dude. I thought he hung out with Dr. Hook and traded pirate wuss stories.

Pablo: You’re a doctor, right?
Hook: Yarrr!
Pablo: (pulls down his pants) Does this look infected to you?
Hook: Yarrr! That be the Chancroid!
Pablo: The Chancroid?
Hook: It’s a sexually transmitted disease caused by the fastidious Gram-negative streptobacillus Haemophilus ducreyi.
Pablo: Excuse me?
Hook: (pause) uhhh, I mean…YARRRR! Those be fearsome barnacles on your crow’s nest! Tell me, matey, have ye engaged in sexual intercourse of late?
Pablo: No! Never! In my life! That’s why it’s so confusing!

No, it turns out that Pablo Cruise is a whole gaggle of wusses who, as a collective group, turn 35 next year. That’s right: you’ve been groovin’ to The Cruise since 1973. (If you recall feeling some sort of emotional loss between 1985 and 2004, it’s because the band broke up during this period. They’re back together now, but we’ll talk about that a little later.) In ’73, The Cruise formed in San Francisco, and was picked up by A&M (way to go, Herb Alpert!). Their first two albums didn’t produce any hits. It’s not hard to figure out why; if you were just browsing in the record store, would you have picked up this album?

“Hmm…new band I’ve never heard of…gorilla on the cover…sure, that’ll get my hard-earned cash!”

And would you have been interested enough to purchase their second album?

And in the great Awkward Male Rockers Sitting Around Naked Competition, Pablo Cruise takes a narrow lead over Orleans!

Their third album, A Place In The Sun, was released in ’77 and included their first hit, “Whatcha Gonna Do.” Not coincidentally, it was the first to include their awesome (and I say this without a trace of irony) logo:

Original bassist Bud Cockrell left after A Place In The Sun, replaced by Bruce Day from Santana. With Day, the band recorded their most successful album, Worlds Away, which featured three hits in the Hot 100, including the one we’re discussing today.

And who the hell was Pablo Cruise, anyway? When asked the question, the band would respond “He’s the one in the middle” and chuckle to themselves. After that joke got old (approximately 30 seconds after its creation), the band would respond seriously: “Pablo represents an honest, real, down to earth individual; and Cruise depicts his fun loving and easy going attitude towards life.” Don’t believe this story, folks. The story I heard backstage at last summer’s free Pablo Cruise/Poco/Firefall/Ambrosia/Sneaker/Orleans/Gino Vannelli concert was that the lead singer named his left nut “Pablo” and his right nut “Cruise.” (How did I find this out? Someone came up to me and asked if I’d like to go “sing backstage with Pablo Cruise.” Let’s just say that a duet of “A Place In The Sun” was not what they were talking about. I’ll never be the same.) (…and there goes my readership!)

As if it wasn’t obvious enough in their name, Pablo Cruise was all about the musical smooth sailing – and they managed to achieve that goal without all of their songs sounding exactly alike. A number of them would probably qualify for Mellow Gold status, especially “Whatcha Gonna Do” and “Cool Love.” We’ll probably hit ’em up at some point, but today, it’s all about “Love Will Find A Way.” Instrumentally, the song’s fantastic: when the keyboard and the bass are the most prominent instruments in the mix, you know you’re in mellow territory. The keyboard pretty much echoes the lead vocal, and the bass, while repetitive, is doing most of the heavy lifting in this song. The guitar provides the lead lines, but no rhythm. Yeah, I would have preferred those lead lines to be covered by a saxophone, but I can live with the guitar; it gives the song a bite that’s missing from most Mellow songs (not that it’s a bad thing, mind you). I bet “Love Will Find A Way” would have found a perfect home on Rockin’ Easy. And maybe I’m crazy, but those backing vocals sound even a little Motown-esque. Pablo Cruise had soul!

Question for you: does this song remind you of anything? The minute I heard the bassline, I thought of “Bitch” by the Stones, but then the first verse immediately reminded me of another, perhaps more popular song. Any thoughts? I put together a little mashup to illustrate what instantly jumped into my head.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/lovejump.mp3]

Hey, wait a minute…I think I just figured out Pablo Cruise’s secret identity! As mentioned above, the album was produced by Bill Schnee, who went on to work as engineer and producer on albums for Whitney Houston, Steely Dan and Huey Lewis and The News – and hmmm, he also remixed “Neutron Dance”…that’s suspicious.

I really can’t make too much fun of these lyrics; they’re not pathetic in the slightest. They don’t suck up to an uninterested woman, they don’t end with someone breaking down in tears, and I’m not even convinced they’re being sung to a woman. What the hell is going on here? Maybe this is the difference between Yacht Rock and Mellow Gold: Yacht Rock is all about the smooth, but not necessarily about the wussy, and vice versa for Mellow Gold. I must be reading too much into this, but at this very moment, Pablo Cruise is making me question everything I know about music.

Hang on…I think I have it! Pablo Cruise were mellow mentors. You see, they were smooth cats who had been around the block, and their purpose was to help guide other wusses. Think about it: when Dan Hill is crying over the loss of his woman, Pablo Cruise is are is there, reassuring him that “love will find a way.” When Paul Davis is mistakenly believing that his cool night’s going to find him love, The Cruise is are is there to ask him, “whatcha gonna do when she says goodbye?” The late ’70s and early ’80s wimps owe their gratitude to Pablo Cruise. They’re like the senior class of Mellow Gold: they’ve been there, done that, have the tear-soaked hankie. They’re going to help the freshman class realize that the mellow lifestyle could very easily lead to heartbreak. Pablo Cruise, we are in your debt!

Of course, Pablo Cruise very quickly became the kids that graduated, but still hung around in the parking lot. Sure, after the success of Worlds Away, Pablo Cruise released a few more successful albums, featuring singles such as “I Want You Tonight” (also mellow!), “Slip Away,” and others that I’m sure you’ll mention in the comments. However, they also adapted their sound to fit in with the disco trend, a move that disappointed many of their fans. As new wave took over the early ’80s, Pablo Cruise just couldn’t fit in, and in 1985, they finally threw in the mellow towel.

Don’t be too sad, friends: for starters, we can take comfort in the way that The Cruise smoothly rocked their audiences back in ’78.

[youtube]5QknZ-o8mbo[/youtube]

And not only that, in 2004, three of the original members reunited, and you can still find them touring today! (Well, not today. Today, they’re probably working their day jobs.) But you can find out all the information you need by heading over to the official Pablo Cruise website, with exciting features such as:

– Photos from the Alameda County Fair!

– Illiterate discography! (“Love Will Find Away” and my personal favorite, “Your Out To Loose.”)

– Unexplainable, underwater-ish sound clip!

– Merchandise! This is all well and good, but this is the shirt I want, and it’s not for sale. I don’t care that a girl’s wearing it; I would TOTALLY wear a yellow shirt with the Pablo Cruise logo on it.

And that brings us to the end of another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Stay gentle and see you next time!