10.  Let Me Love You Tonight – Pure Prairie League 

Lazy-Ass Song #1!  I don’t need to tell you much about this one, because I analyzed it to death (unfortunately, perhaps) in Mellow Gold #29.  Suffice it to say that "Let Me Love You Tonight" is what happens when David Sanborn and Vince Gill French-kiss.

9.  Let’s Get Serious – Jermaine Jackson

I try not to make a big deal about the sacrifices I make to put up Mellow Gold and Chart Attack! every week.  However, I think it’s important that you know that I listened to nearly eight freaking minutes of "Let’s Get Serious" for this week’s entry.  It’s not that the song is bad at all – it’s actually quite catchy.  I just don’t need more than two, maybe three minutes of Jermaine Jackson at any given moment in time.  No, two.

As I began listening, my first thought was: "Jermaine!  Stevie Wonder called.  He wants ‘Do I Do’ back."  And then, at 2:50 (fifty seconds after the track should have ended, in my opinion), there’s Stevie himself, riffing on the chorus and adding a typical kick-ass vocal.  Turns out Stevie wrote and produced "Let’s Get Serious."  I admit to being a little surprised, as this song would have been a strong single for him; why give it to Jermaine?  Well, let’s just say that Jermaine’s career wasn’t doing all that well.  And let’s just say that Jermaine was married to Berry Gordy’s daughter, Hazel.  And let’s just say that Berry Gordy heard Stevie working on "Let’s Get Serious," and…get the picture?

This song peaked here at #9, but don’t feel too bad for Jermaine.  He’s had an impressive (for him, anyway) seven hits within the span of thirteen years, including a #18 hit called "Let Me Tickle Your Fancy" with backing vocals by Devo.  (Sometimes these entries just write themselves.)

Here’s Jermaine in his best white-guy outfit on Soul Train.  I don’t know why they got an edited version of the song and yet I was forced to listen to the whole thing.

[youtube]-3tw2TY2C4A[/youtube]

8.  Magic – Olivia Newton-John

Lazy-Ass Song #2!

Behind a sensuous, rhythmic beat, chiming guitars, and strings that weave up and down through the arrangement, Newton-John actually conjures up what I feel is a dynamo performance: the sensuousness and passion she puts into the song, which normally ends up sounding like soft breathing, are perfect this time out. She actually fits within the tune perfectly–not just singing the song, but a true instrument.

No, that’s not me who has the hots for "Magic."  That’s our buddy Matthew Bolin, over at All-Time Champion, who listed "Magic" as his Secret Shame Song.  And I’m going to back up the Magic Man here (no, I didn’t come up with that nickname, that’s all him).  It’s not that I absolutely love "Magic," but I do happen to absolutely love Olivia Newton-John singing "Magic."  Check out this clip.  Hubba hubba!

[youtube]8sXLkKflnis[/youtube]

This is not an invitation to remind me that I still haven’t listened to ELO, but you guys know that Xanadu is on Broadway now, right?  And it actually got a good review?

7.  Funkytown – Lipps Inc

That sound you’re hearing?  That’s disco taking its last breath.  I think that "Funkytown" might actually be my favorite song on the Top 10 this week, which is saying so very little.  Anyway, Lipps Inc (say it out loud) was formed by Steven Greenberg, who wrote, produced, and played most of the music.  He hired Cynthia Johnson, a model and singer, to handle lead vocal duties.  "Funkytown" was their only hit, although it should be noted that they did attempt a disco cover of Ace’s Mellow Gold classic "How Long."  (Shudder)

I know I totally rely on YouTube clips more than I should.  (Then again, some might argue that anything that breaks up my rambling is a good thing.)  But I absolutely need to show you this clip of two random women performing "Funkytown" on a television program.  The one girl, in black, is totally hot and a great dancer, although she doesn’t actually seem to do anything.  However, the girl "singing" lead is freaking my shit out.  I feel like if I stare at her too long, lasers are going to shoot out of her eyeballs and kill me. 

[youtube]3BiuttQl0xM[/youtube]

As you may remember, this song was covered by Pseudo Echo in 1987 for no apparent reason.

6.  Steal Away – Robbie Dupree 

Lazy-Ass Song #3!  "Steal Away" was covered way back in the early days (you know, September) of this site during our very first Mellow Gold mission, and I want you to know that my anger hasn’t faded one iota since then.  I still maintain that Dupree lifted this entire hook from my hero, Michael McDonald.  However, I’m trying not to focus on my anger.  At least something good came out of it, and I got to have a fun on-air conversation with radio legend Bob Shannon.  Yeah, I know I’m all about Bob this week, but dammit, he brought a tear to my eye when he returned to WCBS-FM yesterday and said his first words: "As I was about to say…"  Congrats, Bob!

5.  Cupid/I’ve Loved You For A Long Time – The Spinners

Let’s give kudos to The Spinners for their relatively consistent appearances on the US Hot 100 between 1972 and 1980, but this medley was pretty much the end of the line for them.  They had enjoyed great success with their "Working My Way Back to You"/"Forgive Me Girl" medley in 1979, climbing all the way to #2, so a repeat performance seemed like a smart move.  It was – this medley reached #4 – but their third attempt the next year didn’t even crack the Top 50.  I feel like the cards fell right where they should – their first medley was undoubtedly their strongest.

4.  Little Jeannie – Elton John (download)

I don’t want to like "Little Jeannie."  I feel like I shouldn’t like "Little Jeannie."  Not when it’s stuck being compared to, you know, anything Elton John released between 1970 and 1976.  But if I close my eyes real hard and pretend that this isn’t really Elton, I find that there’s something I just really like about it.  Especially that "you stepped into my life from a bad dream" refrain.  I could probably sing that all day.  Lame, right?  I feel the same about other songs from Elton’s "boring period" – "Kiss The Bride," "Mama Can’t Buy You Love," and "Nikita."  Wow, that’s a six-year span of boring.  This is what happens when you combine the massive drugs with the whole "marrying a girl" thing, I guess.  At least he didn’t put his head back in the oven.

3.  The Rose – Bette Midler 

I’d love to be able to hear this song and not think of all the people I’ve heard butcher it over the years.  Doesn’t matter where:  school, summer camp, auditions, talent shows…everybody wants to sing "The Rose."  I think it’s some teenage female rite of passage.  Still, it’s the best song Bette Midler has ever had on the charts.  Then again, the competition is stuff like "From A Distance," "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy."

If you have a soft spot for this song, you can read about its history at songwriter Amanda McBroom’s webpage.  Scary to think that McBroom found her inspiration only after hearing Leo Sayer on the radio.

2.  It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me – Billy Joel 

I like this song.  But then again, I don’t have a choice.  I’m from Long Island.  We’re required to like Billy Joel, especially songs that reference our fine, um, island.  This one namechecks the Miracle Mile – a long (a mile, perhaps?) stretch of stores along Northern Boulevard in Manhasset.  The main area of stores on the Miracle Mile is in a section called The Americana, and growing up, I went there every week or so because it housed the closest music store to my home, Record World.  It was just about the only store in The Americana that I could afford.  I guess I should start talking about Billy Joel now.

Taken from Billy’s "rock album" (which I only say to piss off Jeff), "It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me" was the first Billy Joel song to hit #1 (which it did a week later), and not a piano note anywhere.  Also notable is the fact that this song is from the era in which Billy Joel let his hair get totally out of control.

I recently downloaded a fantastic pro-shot DVD from Billy’s recent concert in Tokyo (you can find it on Dime if you have membership there), and in watching the whole show start-to-finish, I was reminded that Billy and his band know exactly when to place a song in a set.  Billy goes nonstop from "Big Shot" to "Rock and Roll" to "You May Be Right," and it packs a powerful punch.  Plus, he’s quite amusing when he puts away the piano and sings without any instruments.  I’m a sucker for his microphone stand tricks – I’d do half of them if only I didn’t run the risk of hitting one of our guitarists.  Here’s the version from Tokyo.

[youtube]WcuTTsn5TVM[/youtube]

1.  Coming Up (live at Glasgow) – Paul McCartney & Wings  (download)

Thankfully, it was the live version of this song that reached the top of the charts, because quite honestly, the studio version is horrible: apart from being a half-step lower, it doesn’t capture any of the joy, fun and overall optimism of this version.  Plus some really fun horns.  McCartney was writing lots of mindless, fun songs during this era: songs like "Goodnight Tonight,"  "Wonderful Christmastime," and "With A Little Luck," which all did quite well.  I would have guessed that John Lennon would have wound up banging his head on the table in frustration at a song like "Coming Up," but the truth is that the song reportedly inspired him to start recording again.

And here’s the video, featuring Macca times ten, in a group called "The Plastic Macs."  The results are much more interesting than when he repeated the idea for stupid "Ebony And Ivory."

[youtube]xvEQmyoP18E[/youtube]

The interesting thing about "Coming Up" is that the live version was included as the B-side to the studio version, and US jockeys completely ignored the A-side altogether.  Macca’s American record company encouraged him to put the live version on the upcoming release of McCartney II, but he refused – as a compromise, the live version was included on a 45 along with the album.  As the live version was topping the US charts, the studio version was reaching #2 in the UK.  Go figure.

But the best part is that Bob Shannon will be back on the air, every day from 10 AM – 3 PM.  If you’ve been around here for a while, you’ll know that Bob was one of the very first fans of this website, highlighting my Michael McDonald obsession and even making the colossal mistake of having me call-in during the program.  Bob is a genuinely nice guy, and I’m giddy over the fact that he’s returning to where he belongs.  (Read his emotional post about returning to the building.)

So long, JACK.  I will miss you.  I think you’re a great format (I especially loved "Acoustic Sunrise"), and you belong in NY…just not at 101.1.

10.  Angel – Madonna  Amazon iTunes
9.  Voices Carry – ‘Til Tuesday  Amazon iTunes
8.  Everytime You Go Away – Paul Young  Amazon iTunes
7.  You Give Good Love – Whitney Houston  Amazon iTunes
6.  Would I Lie To You? – Eurythmics  Amazon iTunes
5.  The Search Is Over – Survivor  Amazon iTunes
4.  Heaven – Bryan Adams  Amazon iTunes
3.  Raspberry Beret – Prince & The Revolution  Amazon iTunes
2.  A View To A Kill – Duran Duran  Amazon iTunes
1.  Sussudio – Phil Collins  Amazon iTunes

10.  Angel – Madonna

While Madonna has certainly had a number of fantastic dance singles, she’s also had her share of cookie-cutter songs that fail to bring anything interesting to the table.  "Angel" is one of them, with the exact same chord progression through 99% of the song.  I also throw "Dress You Up," "Burning Up" and "Causing A Commotion" into the same category.  Maybe I’m the only one who felt this way, though, because "Angel" performed quite admirably on the charts, peaking at #5 and becoming her third Top 10 of the year.  Interestingly enough, the B-side to "Angel" was "Into The Groove," which, despite its popularity from Desperately Seeking Susan, wasn’t released as a single in the U.S.  Madonna’s record company didn’t want the song to compete with "Angel."  Ultimately, the B-side wound up being the more memorable of the two.

9.  Voices Carry – ‘Til Tuesday 

I hear this song all the time, way more than I ever really want to hear it.  ‘Til Tuesday is the first artist listed alphabetically on my iPod, so if I ever accidentally hit the "play" button while it’s not on shuffle mode, "Voices Carry" comes on.  Other songs that have held this top spot:  "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, "How Long" by Ace, and "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent.  All but one of these is okay to accidentally play at work.  (I learned this the hard way: I was lying under my desk, testing the line-in jack of the computer, and had the speakers turned up way louder than appropriate.  I’ve never moved so quickly.)

What more can I talk about, other than the video?  Who doesn’t love the shit out of this video?  You go with your rat-tailed self, Aimee Mann!  Do yourself a favor and check it out; YouTube won’t let me embed the clip here.  I’ll wait.

Pretty good, huh?  I especially love "by the way…what’s with the hair?"  It’s more than a little heavy-handed, but at least they got somebody who was suitably dickish.  And while I do love this guy (apparently he’s an actor of very little renown named Cully Holland), why didn’t they get Billy Zabka?  I mean, it was 1985 and all.  (By the way, awesome Zabka story here.)
 
I’ll come clean: I don’t know anything else by ‘Til Tuesday.  Not only that, but as a kid, I thought she was singing "oh so scary."

8.  Everytime You Go Away – Paul Young

Longtime readers might remember that I have a beef with Paul Young.  (Read the comments section, which goes from an argument about what defines a "cover song" and rapidly devolves into Jeff calling me "asscheeks.")  My beef, which you can read about above, is essentially that Paul Young has never had a successful hit that hasn’t been a cover.  "Everytime You Go Away" was clearly his biggest hit, a great cover of the Hall & Oates tune from Voices, reaching the #1 spot for a week in July.  (I like it better than the H&O version, okay?  This is not about Paul Young.)  He’s only had one other hit in the Top 10 (also a cover, obviously).  In fact, I’m pretty sure that the biggest non-cover hit he’s had was when he sang the opening line to "Do They Know It’s Christmas."

7.  You Give Good Love – Whitney Houston

Behold: the song that essentially introduced Whitney Houston to the world.  Clive Davis had signed Houston to Arista in 1983, and confident she’d be a star, began soliciting songs from a number of songwriters and producers.  Originally intended for Roberta Flack (her assistant turned it down), this song was presented to Houston by a songwriter named LaLa.  It was the second single released from her self-titled debut and reached #3, which must have been quite the relief for Houston and Davis – her album was slow to sell and the first single, "Someone For Me," didn’t chart at all.  "You Give Good Love" set off a stream of Houston hits which were unstoppable on their rise to the top.  In the ’80s, she released two albums and 11 singles from those albums – 7 of which hit #1.

It’s hard to look past all the crazy shit that’s landed Houston where she is today, but I really enjoyed re-listening to this song and remembering what a powerhouse she was – and, presumably, still is.  Here’s a clip of her debut on The Tonight Show singing "You Give Good Love."  (Hard to say what I love more, the hair or the sweater.  Still, she’s adorable.)

[youtube]KI3YrAv0C-I[/youtube]

6.  Would I Lie To You?  – Eurythmics (download)

"Would I Lie To You?" very deliberately sounds to me like a cover, but a cover that can’t decide whether it owes more to early ’60s Motown or The Kinks.  This is not a criticism; "Would I Lie To You" is an awesome song, and a distinct change from previous singles by the group – the synths have been punished, sent to the back of the room in favor of those excellent horns.  And you can almost never go wrong when Annie Lennox opens her mouth to sing.  And hey, it’s our second video featuring a dickhead!

[youtube]P6uJwfix3fU[/youtube]

In this case, the dick is played by Steven Bauer, also an actor of little renown (he’s best known for marrying Melanie Griffith and a role in Scarface).

5.  The Search Is Over – Survivor (download)

All skate!  Now reverse!  Yet another roller-rink song for me.  "The Search Is Over" is just the perfect rock ballad.  I’m not going to say anything more about Survivor because anything interesting I could possibly say has already been mentioned over at Ye Olde Jefitoblog.  In fact, Jeff’s site is kind of a Survivor repository: there’s The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Survivor, the review of 2006’s Reach, and even a CAPTAIN VIDEO! post.  Somebody’s got a crush!

I’m offering "The Search Is Over" for download only because I want Survivor’s management to threaten me with legal action, like they threatened Jeff over the downloads in his Reach review.  Come get me, Groves!

4.  Heaven – Bryan Adams 

You know plenty about "Heaven."  For example, you know it sucks.  You also know that you secretly kind of liked it back then, too.  I know I did.  I played my Reckless cassette endlessly.  I mainly listened to "It’s Only Love" and that one part of "Run To You" where everything cuts out but the electric guitar.  I’d rewind that section repeatedly.  (Oh, what a lonely boy.)  You also know that you were relatively annoyed when the song resurfaced on hit radio stations across the country earlier this decade, remade in both ballad and dance versions.  (Less annoyed, I imagine?  Bryan Adams.)

But here’s what you may not know about "Heaven:" although not a #1 hit until June of 1985, the song was actually recorded and released in 1983, on the soundtrack to a movie called A Night In Heaven.

I admit that I haven’t seen it, but I’m guessing that it’s every bit as bad as it looks.  And by "bad," I mean "AWESOME."  We’re going so far off-topic here, but I don’t care.  Here’s just a bit of the plot summary from the Wikipedia entry:

Christopher Atkins plays Rick Monroe, a jock and a popular guy in college in Orlando, Florida; he is outspoken and overconfident. Lesley Ann Warren plays Faye Hanlon, Rick’s speech professor; she is prim and proper. At the end of his final report for his class, Rick cracks a joke and Faye is not amused. She decides to fail him and make him take the course over again.

Faye is going through a slump in her marriage to Whitney (Robert Logan), a rocket scientist who has just lost his job. Faye’s free-spirited sister Patsy, visiting from out of town, takes her to a strip club to cheer her up. The show features a performer called "Ricky the Rocket," who is none other than Faye’s student Rick. When he notices Faye in the crowd, he gives her a very special lap dance.

Go read the rest of it.  It gets even better – like when Atkins found out his penis accidentally made it into the movie!  And can you believe that Bryan Adams – who had already made a dent in the U.S. charts with Cuts Like A Knife and a few of its singles – got roped into supplying "Heaven" and one other song for this movie?  Maybe because it was directed by John L. Avildsen of Rocky, but still, that seems like no excuse.  Read more about this movie here and here.  Bravo, Bryan Adams!  Thankfully, you never made the mistake of writing a theme song to a terrible movie ever again.

3.  Raspberry Beret – Prince & The Revolution 

Prince confused me a lot when I was a kid.  (As opposed to now, when he makes perfect sense.)  I wasn’t sure if he was really a man, and all his music sounded dark and mysterious to me…and then I heard "Raspberry Beret."  I couldn’t understand why Prince sounded so…happy.  And the video – I’d love to show it to you, but it doesn’t seem to be on YouTube.  I remember it being all colorful, and joyous, and with Wendy on guitar.  No doves, no Prince coming out of a steamy bathtub naked…I can’t believe they allowed me to watch MTV as a child.

2.  A View To A Kill – Duran Duran

So here’s what’s interesting about "A View To A Kill:"

– It’s the only James Bond theme song to reach #1 on the U.S. charts, unless Chris Cornell’s "You Know My Name" is about to do something really surprising;

– It’s the last song that the original members of Duran Duran recorded together until 2002;

– It was performed at Live Aid during this month in ’85, quite famously, in fact: for starters, it was the original band’s last live performance for almost 20 years.  Secondly, Pat Boone publicly criticized the song lyrics of some artists at Live Aid, calling attention to the lyric "dance into the fire," as if anybody gave a shit what Pat Boone thought.  Thirdly, Simon LeBon completely boned one of the high notes.  It was terrible!  Here, watch it!  It’s in the last minute of the clip.

[youtube]mINh8ZOWSLw[/youtube]

Hahahahah!  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this.  Maybe a little less concentration on prancing and shoulder pads would have resulted in a more favorable outcome.

1.  Sussudio – Phil Collins

You all are free to disagree with me, but I honestly think that people hate "Sussudio" because they think they’re supposed to hate "Sussudio."  There’s no reason to hate it.  Yes, it’s a stupid word.  So what?  I don’t care what it means, whether it was the name of his daughter’s horse or dog or giraffe or whether it’s a girl’s name or his uncle’s name or whatever.  So it rips off Prince’s "1999" – I believe, when confronted with this information, Collins admitted he was a huge Prince fan.  (And, besides, "1999" rips off Prince’s own "Manic Monday."  I don’t think this is really helping the argument, I just wanted to re-state that fact.) 

Plus, the video.  I’ve always liked the fact that Collins clearly has a sense of humor about himself, and as Mike mentioned, it’s chock-full of Lee Sklar!  A skinny Lee Sklar!  (Not that Lee Sklar is fat now, but you know, skinnier.)  And he’s playing a headless bass!  I’m not sure if this is more Sklar Per Second (SPS) than other Collins videos (I feel like he’s more present in "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven" but that video’s no longer available.)  Anyway, this is even more impressive because Collins truly realized the Power Of Sklar^TM: he doesn’t even play bass on the recording!

[youtube]yA48-DatUHI[/youtube]

I also don’t really agree with its location at #24 on VH1’s "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever."  "Sussudio" was a damn catchy song in 1985 and while nobody will admit to liking it now, I guarantee you that once an indie band covers it, Stereogum will lose their shit.