Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 42
Note: Mellow Gold #42 marks the original appearance of the now-infamous Mellow Gold logo. Although it now appears on every post, let’s re-live the near-unbearable excitement, shall we?
Welcome back to another edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Let me tell you something: today’s post is awesome. No, not because of the song. The song sucks. It’s awesome because it’s time to unveil the all-new Mellow Gold logo, created by none other than Jefito, the man who came up with this series idea in the first place.
You ready?
Click on, my friends:
Ta-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Is that frickin’ awesome or what? Although we have yet to really cover one of his songs here, we all know he’s the Patron Saint of Mellow Gold. And he looks so darn cute in that miner’s hat! Thanks so much, Jeff, for the awesome logo. Maybe one day, you can switch it out for Christopher Cross or Stephen Bishop. (Actually, I’d love to see you fit that helmet over Gino Vannelli’s moptop, but I digress.)
On with the crap!
Marty Balin – Hearts (download)
“Hearts” should come with a warning from the Surgeon General. CAUTION: Listening to this song will make you less of a man. Even thinking about this song makes me feel like less of a man.
You guys know good ol’ Marty Balin. The Artist Formerly Known By The Nice Jewish Name Of Martyn Jerel Buchwald changed his moniker back in 1962, when he attempted teen idol status by releasing two singles on the Challenge label: “Nobody But You” and “I Specialize In Love.” The latter can be found on iTunes – here’s the 30-second sample:
[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/balinspecialize.mp3]While I truly dig the delivery of the word “specialize,” the single went nowhere. (Maybe because no girl at the time was saying anything complimentary about a guy named Marty.)
Marty quit the pop idol life and, actually, decided to become a professional quitter. He became a lithographer and got married, but soon he quit the job and his marriage. Joined a group called The Town Criers. Quit that. Finally, he founded Jefferson Airplane and remained the primary songwriter and lead vocalist of the band, until eventually being eclipsed by Grace Slick in the late ’60s. In 1971, Balin quit Jefferson Airplane for a variety of reasons, including the fact that his romantic, lovelorn ballads weren’t gaining any popularity within the group. Balin rejoined the band (now Jefferson Starship) in 1974, only to quit again in 1978. Mickey Thomas replaced him, and now, Balin can be blamed for just about everything that went wrong in the world during the 1980s. It was on his 1981 solo effort, Balin, that he ended up with a Top 10 hit. “Hearts” peaked at #8 in August of ’81.
One of the great things about Mellow Gold songs in general is that the wuss factor (wussicity) can be applied to any number of scenarios. You’ve got your Mellow Gold songs about trying to get the girl (“Cool Night”), you’ve got your Mellow Gold songs about getting the girl (“Sometimes When We Touch”), and then you have your Mellow Gold songs about losing the girl. “Hearts” is a pathetic attempt by the protagonist to re-connect with the girl who dumped him for a real man. In fact, the song is even funnier if you imagine it as a 3 AM drunk-dial.
(Uh-oh! That’s right! It’s time for a bit of Mellow Gold Theatre!)
So the girl’s dropped Balin like a bad habit, right? She’s found herself a new man. They go out to a candlelit dinner, followed by a great night of dancing. It’s the middle of the night. After a hot night of passion, they’ve collapsed in each other’s arms.
The phone rings. She wakes up.
“Who the hell is calling me in the middle of the….hello?”
It’s Marty.
Er, ah, hello, it’s me!
Is everything alright?
“Who is this?…Marty? Is that you?”
I just called to say
How lost I feel without you
“Jesus Christ, Marty, it’s 3 in the morning.”
Miles away
I really can’t believe I’m here
And how I still care about you
“Wait a minute…you’re here?” (scrambles to window, peeks through curtains) “You’re really not here, are you?….Marty? (pause) Hello? (pause) Are you crying?“
Heaaarts can breaaaaak
“Dammit, Marty, I thought I told you not to call me again!”
And never mend together
Love can fade away
Heaaaaarts can cryyyyyyy
“Marty, seriously. This is embarrassing. Find someone new. I hear Nicolette’s available.”
When love won’t stay forever
Hearts can be that way
(to partner) “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to leave. He does this every so often. I’m trying to get my number changed.”
Is everything the same?
(distracted) “No, no, honey. Please don’t go. I’m hanging up. Seriously. Don’t go. Let’s have sex again.”
Do you ever think of me
And how we loved one another?
Will you change your mind?
Will you want me back again?
Or have you found yourself a new love?
(hangs up phone. Marty keeps singing to a dial tone.)
– FIN –
You get the point. (You probably got the point six paragraphs ago.) But it works, right? “Hearts” is yet another one of those songs that reduces the singer to a sniveling pool of mush on the floor. Anything even coming close to resembling pride has gone out the window. But that’s the Mellow Way, isn’t it? It’s not just about losing your pride and your dignity; it’s about letting anyone and everyone know about it. Check out the last verse:
Is everything okay? (How is he still asking this goddamn question?)
I just thought I’d write a song
To tell the world how I miss you
‘Cos each and every day
I think of all the words I never said
And all the chances that I had to
Okay, I’ll give him those last three lines: that’s a relatively common sentiment. Although if you look at the rest of the song, I think it’s relatively clear that his lack of communication wasn’t really the problem. I think it’s far more likely that the problem was the constant weeping in bed. Also interesting is the enunciation and the delivery of this last verse. I don’t think I was too far off with that drunk-dial thing – he actually starts to sound truly sloshy.
Balin ends the song with a dramatic “Hearts….can be…” but doesn’t finish the sentence. Instead, he asks – yet again – “is everything alright?” Mellow bookends, everybody! I love it. It’s the worst question you can ask. It’s also the dumbest. Why would you even ask it? No, everything’s not alright! And she doesn’t care, either! Get a grip, Marty! Like Daryl and John said, she’s gone. Move on with your life.
Musically, there’s so much to love about this song: for starters, the vocal is a long, drawn-out whine. Listen to the way Balin kinda scoops up into most of the words, and then gently slides down. It’s hard for me to believe that this guy was actually in a band that rocked. And the instrumentation is just classic Mellow Gold: very little guitar, soft drums and bass, all making way for those ringing, droning keyboards. (It’s got the same sound as “Cool Night,” actually.)
Normally, this is the part where I’d include a video and snark on it. And the “Hearts” video is a great candidate for snarking. But look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s CAPTAIN VIDEO!
“Greetings, d-bags!”
What’s that, CAPTAIN VIDEO!? You’ve already taken a look at “Hearts?” And it’s hysterical? Well, folks, there’s nothing more for me to say here. Go forth and enjoy this awesome awful awesome video, and we’ll catch you back here next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!
August 1st, 2007 at 9:21 am
I think I just threw up a little. I’m on a streak of roughly five years, so I should probably avoid all Balin.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:19 am
This may be the funniest Mellow Gold post ever, and the new banner absolutely ROCKS. What, rocking is not allowed in Mellow Gold? Well, then, the new banner absolutely MELLOWS!
August 1st, 2007 at 10:21 am
Awesome logo, dude.
"I think I just threw up a little" would make a great lyric, actually. In fact, try inserting it into this song somwhere after an "Is everything okay?" and see if it fits. Hmm, new parlor game.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:26 am
“3 AM drunk dial.” Brilliant.
And now, thanks to the call’s opening line, I am imagining a Rundgren-Balin mash-up.
I believe that’s the fifth or sixth seal.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:41 pm
This is another classic entry by Jason, with the added bonus that we’ve all inched that much closer to the precise definition of Mellow Gold. “It’s not just about losing your pride and your dignity; it’s about letting anyone and everyone know about it.” Add that to the running dictionary entry.
Now, I have a question. Being that he wrote “Miracles,” for the Jefferson-aircraft, do we count them as also having had a Mellow Gold hit?
So we’re making love, and you feel the power and I feel the power
Then there’s really nothing we can’t do
(You know we could, you know we could)
If we wanted to baby (You know we could, you know we could)
We could exist on the stars, it’d be so easy (Oh, baby)
All we got to do is get a little faith in you.
If only you believe like I believe, baby, like I believe, we’d get by
If only you believe in miracles, so would I
Just asking. That’s nearly AC/DCish in tongue-in-cheekiness, though I bet he was 100% earnest in that “getting it into you” part.
Great logo! Michael McDonald in a hardhat says it all, in every way.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Oooh, good point! But to really analyze it, I’d have to listen to Marty Balin again. I’m not sure I can do it. It’s just too soon.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Well, if you listen to the full version, not the radio edit, of "Miracles", there’s a line about "goin’ down". And all of this is very traumatic for me because Mom and Dad liked this tune as well as Starland Castration Band’s "Afternoon Delight". The images. The images. Put a cigarette out on my forehead and make me forget. And, oh yeah. The cigarette burn should also help me forget the video implication of Marty yanking L’il Marty.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:12 pm
This is great, because maybe about 2 months ago, I decided to finally DO something about finding out WHO in hell did this horrible song that has been with me since my early childhood. Yes, way back when I had nothing but imagination, which always intertwined this song with an image of a waiter with a waistcoat approaching your table: "Is everything OKAAAYYY?" That actually made me kinda like it, even though at 5 I still knew enough about the absolute WUSSITUDE of this song and how this was NOT rock music.
Anyway, flash forward a few decades, when I’m DYING to know who sang it, and with the help of my master internet researcher girlfriend, I’m googling lyrics. Then it arrives, and the apartment is filled with the cold proclamation of "BALIN!!!!! NO!!!!!" I was crushed, especially when I had to explain to her that this guy was actually a FUCKING FOUNDING MEMEBER OF AIRPLANE! Now, no matter what, I can’t accept this song as good (the VIDEO, well that’s something else entirely.) Looking back, it makes sense, seeing as how this is the guy that brought us "Miracles" with the Starship (not as bad a song but equally as wussy.)
Though, as usual, thanks Jason for putting it into words. Don’t leave us, ever. You know how bad drunk dialing can play out.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Dan, that’s absolutely brilliant.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Thanks to Elaine, I now have the song "Miracle" running through my sub-conscious. I had completely forgotten that song, and now it is back. It is really hard to believe that, once upon a time, Jefferson Airplane mattered.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Sadly, I’m a fan musically of both "Hearts" and "Miracles"…but at least I acknowledge their suckitude in the world of recorded music. I remember my excitement of learning that the album version of "Miracles" is 6 minutes long, and also my surprise of learning that it contained a reference to "oral sex". Intrigued, I tracked down the long version and heard the following lyrics:
"But from that very first look in your eyes
I knew you and I had but one heart
Only our bodies were apart
That was so easy, so easy
I had a taste of the real world
When I went down on you, girl."
Talk about throwing up a little in one’s mouth.
I still love the track though. Jason, you should really check it out when you’ve recovered from this Balin overdose. And I love Jeff’s new logo-it’s brilliant.
August 1st, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Could it be that "Miracles" and "Hearts" form some sort of narrative, "Miracles" being the sleaziest, bar-closing come-on ever told (that worked) and "Hearts" being the response at the dissolution of the relationship? By the way, did Marty ever make it a trilogy with a song called "Balls"?
August 1st, 2007 at 7:45 pm
"The Artist Formerly Known By The Nice Jewish Name Of Martyn Jerel Buchwald changed his moniker back in 1966, when he attempted teen idol status by releasing two singles on the Challenge label …"
Sorry to be the proofreadin’ party crasher here, but do you mean 1956?
August 1st, 2007 at 8:10 pm
But wait! I’m seeing now that Balin’s two singles for Challenge came out in 1962, and by ’66 he was in Jefferson Airplane. He would’ve been 14 in 1956.
I listened to "Hearts" yesterday and "Miracles" today. Did I do that because I’m a new Marty Balin fan and today’s Mellow Gold post is a cosmic sign that we belong together? No, it’s because I’m listening to my mom’s "Classic Soft Rock" CDs from Time-Life! I really do like "Miracles," especially when it gets all swoony. "Hearts" isn’t as good, but I’m not deleting it off the iPod just yet. I’m gonna let it simmer for a while, along with Styx’s "Babe" and "The Best of Times."
I like that McD wears his spelunking helmet a little to the side. It makes him look street-smart.
August 1st, 2007 at 11:06 pm
I meant 1962. Can’t you just, y’know, e-mail me privately like everyone else? Damn you!
August 2nd, 2007 at 12:25 am
LOL!!! There’s a hidden, unknown oral sex verse to “Miracles.” There goes my Balin-earnestness theory. He’s a cheeky one ain’t he!
o.m.g. I’m laughing out loud. As much fun as I’ve had at jasonhare.com over the last few…year. I think.. ANYway, this is the first exchange where I’ve actually laughed out loud at you people. Now, in case anyone didn’t follow the link over to jefitoblog’s — I’d like to remind you all that Marty Balin claims, while he’s the only band member who didn’t actually sleep with her, he made love to Grace every night on stage, when he sang with the Jefferson Biplane. That is some kinda mellow goldness, if I’ve ever heard it.
Now. I came here for something else! I have great news!!
Set your TIVOs for tomorrow, noon pacific, on VH-1. I just watched this great two-hour compilation snarkshow about the most Softarrific Softastic Soft Rock something or other. I caught it on VH1 Classics, but it’s on regular VH-1 tomorrow. Here’s the thing. They appear to be putting forth a claim on the Mellow Gold fun we’ve been having, but they stick to the “soft rock” moniker. So, while it’s not true Mellowness ready to hit your telly, it’s a great show to obtain some rockin’ footage. And I mean, seriously, Michael McDonald twice.. playing piano for Kenny singing “This is It,” and for a… well, it’s a BIG song! One you all know and love! (I can’t believe it wasn’t #1.) Anyway, don’t miss it. My grid says it will air exactly one more time, tomorrow at 3 eastern. Look for some chillin’ Rupert Holmes, Mangione, ON-J.. the list goes on. It was great, I loved it. You will, too.
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 am
One of my testicles actually deflated at 2:55 of this song. I shoulda listened to the damn warning….
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I was suddenly reminded of an old rock magazine cover depicting a shirtless Marty Balin with the improbable headline, "MARTY BALIN’S MACHISMO: I’m Too Big for Starship!"
This may have been the last media discussion of Marty Balin’s machismo.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:57 am
[…] Whaddya know, it’s our Mellow Gold selection from this week! What? You haven’t read it? Go, go, go! […]