Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 47

mellowgoldlogo.jpg

I know, I know: where the hell have I been? Where the hell is your Mellow fix? I understand your pain, and I thank you for your continued patience as I try to see if there’s life beyond crappy music. But we have a MELLOW RED ALERT on our hands, people, and I need to bring it to your attention, like, yesterday.

Eagles – I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore (download)

That’s right! Mellow Gold, 2007 style! And grab this one quick, ’cause Irving Azoff is going to be banging on my door in about twenty seconds. This one comes from the brand-spankin’-new release, Long Road Out Of Firing Don Felder Eden. I don’t even have the album yet – we don’t believe in Wal-Mart in New York City – but at 6:45 this morning, my main man Jeff contacted me and insisted that I hear this track as soon as possible. And I knew he was onto something, because as I listened, my wife called out from the other room.

“Is this Mellow Gold?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“Because it sucks.”

So quick! Download! And if anybody asks, you got this file from Jeff. You hear that, Irving? So don’t shut me down. Shut Jefitoblog down…oh.

So, unsurprisingly, this little ditty is sung by Timothy B. Schmit. What, were you expecting Joe Walsh? Schmit is, and always has been, The Boy Who Cried Mellow Gold. (Or, as Jeff has pointed out, “he’s the boy who cries everything.”)

Here’s a Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Wuss, back in the early ’70s.

schmit.jpg

And here he is today. From behind, he still looks the same – girly – but from the front, time has been a vicious vacuum cleaner, sucking out much of his face.

schmit2.jpg
“Trick or treat!”

Still, his voice has remained virtually unchanged. He’s still singing those high Eagles harmonies, and on the off-chance that the other guys let him sing a song by himself, he still embodies all the sensitive, feminine qualities we’ve grown to love. In fact, we owe Timothy a debt of gratitude, people. Think of his time in Poco. Think of his gentle vocals on “I Can’t Tell You Why.” Think of his attempt to resurrect the MG genre with “Love Will Keep Us Alive” from Hell Freezes Over. Is Timothy B. Schmit the only one who’s keeping the true spirit of Mellow Gold alive and well in 2007? Has Stephen Bishop contacted him about a duet? Do we have any solid assurance that he’s not going to cut his girly mane, and if not, can we get said assurance?

So have you listened to this song yet? Before we start,you should know who wrote this gem: Paul Carrack. And if you don’t know how far back Paul’s mellow roots extend, remember Mellow Gold #5, where we featured Carrack’s vocal on “How Long” by Ace (sadly, not the same “How Long” included on Long Road Out Of Eden). Carrack also had a hand in writing “Love Will Keep Us Alive” (with the late Jim Capaldi, no less). I had no idea Paul could be so wimpy. Oh well, the guy’s rich beyond his wildest dreams by this point, and may very well have another hit with this one.

Let’s start with the lame, audible count-off. Is that Don Henley? It doesn’t sound like Don Henley to me. I feel like Don Henley would have demanded his vocal be higher in the mix. Anyway, the drums are followed by some tasteful guitar licks and…synthesized strings? Really? Guys! You’re THE EAGLES! You can afford real strings! Don Henley has a string quartet permanently installed in his bedroom that wakes him in lieu of an alarm clock! (This makes those late-night necking sessions with Stevie Nicks really uncomfortable.) Why they bothered with this synth sound, I’ll never know.

The song continues with gentle acoustic guitar, peppered by a few “One Of These Nights”-esque electric guitar stabs, and of course, lots of organ. And when Timothy B. Schmit opens his decrepit mouth to sing, it’s mellow heaven.

It’s not the first time
That I’ve had the sense that something’s wrong

My god. It’s like 1980 all over again.

But I’m old enough to know

You can say that again!

That things don’t always work out like they should
I know you’re tryin’ hard
To break it gently to me, now
But there’s no easy way
To tell it like it is, so baby…

Are you ready for the chorus?

I don’t want to hear any more
You don’t need to tell me it’s over
I’ve been here before

It gets better. I’m not going to present all the lyrics, but here are some of my favorites.

Before you take my hand
And tell me softly in a whisper
There’s no need to explain
I’ve read the book; I know how this all ends

“Before you take my hand and tell me softly in a whisper.” I’m not sure if a Mellower lyric has ever been written. I mean, Carrack could have just said “tell me softly.” But adding “in a whisper” just increases the wuss levels to new heights. Hold on. I’m getting up from my computer and giving Paul Carrack a standing ovation. It’s well deserved.

I haven’t even reached the best part yet.

I won’t ask you to stay
I won’t stand in your way
Look me right in the eyes
Let me walk away with my head high

Too late!

If there’s some other guy
I don’t need to know why

I feel like doing a little mellow dance of joy. Awesome. “I know you’re dumping me like the wrinkled old lukewarm potato I am, but I’m not going to fight or attempt to win you back. I won’t get pissed off and slash your tires, either. I’ll just…you know…eat my oatmeal and let you go.” And what’s up with the logic here? “Let me walk away with my head high?” How so? That doesn’t even make sense! And you just know the other guy she’s banging is Joe Walsh.

This brings wussitude to a brand-new level. When the most the man will do is stick his fingers in his ears and go “LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” you know you’ve got the mellowest of the mellow.

So remember when I expressed my skepticism about Henley counting off the song? I’ll go a step further: I’m willing to bet there are minimal amounts of actual Eagles on this song. For starters, have you noticed that, just like “Love Will Keep Us Alive,” the backing vocals are completely nondescript? At least two of those voices belong to Schmit. Hmmm. I wonder how this went down? Looks like it’s time for another segment of…

Mellow Gold Theatre
– Eagles Edition –

Carrack: This may very well be the wimpiest song I’ve ever written. I can’t even sing these lyrics with a straight face. But I know someone who can, and who could bring me a lot of money doing so…(strokes hairless cat)

Schmit arrives at the door.

Carrack: AAAAGHH!! Take my money. Take anything you want. Just don’t eat my soul!!!

Schmit: Paul, it’s me. Timothy B. Schmit.

Carrack: Oh. (exhales) I thought you were the Cryptkeeper.

Schmit: Paul, do you have any new songs for me? I need to get one on the new album. Nobody respects me. They don’t even listen to me. And if I get one more noogie from Glen, I’m quitting.

Carrack: Fear not, my sensitive friend! I’ve got a song that’s right up your alley.

Carrack plays him the song.

Schmit: (sniff) It’s beautiful. The guys will love it. Can I have a Kleenex?

Carrack: Hang on, I’m buying a second boat.

The next day, back at the Eagles ranch:

Schmit: Guys! Guess what!

Frey: C’mere, you! (Jumps off of couch, starts chasing Schmit around the room)

Schmit: No! Stop! (starts crying)

Henley (gazing at visage in mirror): See what you did, Glen? He’s weeping again.

Schmit: Guys! (sniff) I just wanted to play you this song. I think it’d sound great on the new album.

Schmit plays the band “I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore.”

Henley: I agree. I don’t want to hear anymore. (Goes back to mirror)

Frey: C’mere, you! (jumps up again, chases Schmit into a corner)

Schmit: Wait, guys! Listen! Remember “Love Will Keep Us Alive?” It was our first #1 AC single, and the best-seller from Hell Freezes Over.

Henley: He’s got a point, Glen. Hello, Lite-FM money! We’ll do it!

Frey, mouth full of Doritos: C’mere, you! (Punches Schmit in gut)
-FIN-

Yeah, this is definitely how it went down. The Eagles then outsourced the song to session musicians in India, and are currently sitting back, just waiting to reap the benefits. I guarantee you that if this song is released as a single, it’s going to at least the Top 5 of the Adult Contemporary charts. It’s everything we could possibly want in a modern Mellow Gold song. I feel like less of a man already. It’s a classic.

See you next time for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

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  • http://mostlymodernmusic.blogspot.com Beau

    I’m just picturing Schmit (or the producer, or maybe Frey) telling some studio guitarist (or Walsh, or maybe Frey) — “Uh, yeah — we’ve been talking, and we think the only way we can make this sound remotely like The Eagles is if you play this exactly like Don Felder.”

    So the vocals are from Schmit, the fourth-most distinctive vocalist among the four remaining Eagles, and the guitar sounds just like the guitarist they fired.

    Funny stuff, though. I’m almost hoping the B-52s reunion album has a Mellow Gold classic. Maybe Paul Carrack should pay a visit to Fred Schneider …

  • http://www.shuffleboil.com Allen

    You mean to tell me that this isn’t Backstreet? Are you sure???
    This might be the most appropriately named song ever.
    I can’t wait for it to be over so I can delete if forever!

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com Robert

    Beau, are you saying the B-52’s broke up at some point? I had no idea a new Eagles album was even being made until I saw it listed in All Music’s New Release Newsletter yesterday. Where have I been? I feel so behind.

    Jason, whenever you script a Mellow Gold Master crying or kissing another MGM on the lips, it makes me happy.

  • http://jabartlett.wordpress.com jb

    As I listened to the album this morning (downloaded from Eaglesband.com, as I don’t do Walmart), I noted two things about “I Don’t Want to Hear Anymore” on my little note pad: “Schmit” and “yawn.”

    For another Mellow experience, check out “I Love to Watch a Woman Dance,” in which Glenn Frey makes Dan Fogelberg sound like Tom Jones. My only note about that one: “Ecch.”

  • Jeff

    I’m with you on that one, Jeebs — I was talking to Jason as I heard “I Love to Watch a Woman Dance,” and I think my response was something along the lines of “I need to take another shower.”

  • http://schiing.terjefjelde.com/ Terje

    So I’m sitting here listening to the tune with my 4-year-old daughter on my lap. I ask her if she likes the song. M-hm, she nods. She asks me who’s singing – I point to the picture of the young Schmit. She looks at me. “Dad, does she sing all of those songs,” pointing to my playlist. (me struggling hard not to laugh out loud): “You know, Nora, she’s a he. He’s a guy, his name is Tim…” She looks at me in disbelief. “Do you think he looks like a girl?” She nods. “Does he sound like a girl, too?” Nods again. “Nora, have you never seen a guy with this much hair before?” Shakes her head… “Really? Ever? Have you never seen a guy with long hair??” Shakes her head again, until she suddenly remembers, “Yeah dad, I got it. I know one! Santa!” Brilliant.

    Excellent post. It may be because it’s been so long since the last Mellow Gold post, but this track makes me feel good. Three cheers for Tim B. Schmit and Santa for staying true to their ideals, defiantly standing up against hair fashions and all kinds of music trends.

  • http://www.t-sides.com Taylor

    If you haven’t read the review of this in the NYT, you should.

  • http://home.comcast.net/~rsbrandt Richard Brandt

    I feel like less of a man already.

    As if such a thing were possible. Speaking of holidays, Mellow Gold at Work alert: Today’s Halloween, and our boss showed up in a pink shirt.

    “It takes a real man to wear pink,” a colleague told him.

    “Is that what he’s going as?” I remarked.

    Welcome back, all is forgiven.

  • David

    Two words:

    El

    Debarge

  • Michael

    “Carrack: AAAAGHH!! Take my money. Take anything you want. Just don’t eat my soul!!!

    Schmit: Paul, it’s me. Timothy B. Schmit.

    Carrack: Oh. (exhales) I thought you were the Cryptkeeper.”

    I should have seen it coming, but I still almost spit Diet Coke all over the screen.

    Welcome back MG, welcome back.

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com Robert

    All this talk of Timothy B. Schmit reminds me that in a sketch/variety show called “The Fowler Family Radio Hour,” which I’m part of in Chicago, no one in the audience ever responds to the mention of Schmit’s name in a scene where I play the mayor of Henley, the small town in which everything in the show takes place. The mayor’s name is Glenn Frye, his opponent in the upcoming mayoral race is Tim Schmidt, Frye mentions that the town drunk is Joe Walsh, and the town’s founding father is Donald P. Henley. A few people at every show get the Eagles references when it comes to Henley, Frey, and Walsh, but no one seems to catch Schmit’s name. How sad. Maybe THAT’S why Timothy is sad — he heard about my show! Whatever it takes to inspire you, Timothy, I’ll be here …

  • Dw Dunphy

    The new album is leaden with songs about the powers that be who crush the little guys. And so, as if to illustrate that point, “Long Road Out Of Eden” is retailed exclusively through Wal-Mart. Yet it keeps getting better because yesterday, the official day of release, a majority of Wal-Mart outlets did not get their shipment of discs. The only market selling this title and they couldn’t even get that right. As for the actual music, well… I always give old bands credit for releasing new music when they could just as easily rejoin the eternal farewell tour, but this release is really tepid. Fleetwood Mac “Say You Will” tepid. But hey, anything that keeps Joe Walsh behind a guitar and not behind the wheel is alright in my book. DwD

  • Ross51

    Jason writes: “Yeah, this is definitely how it went down. The Eagles then outsourced the song to session musicians in India, and are currently sitting back, just waiting to reap the benefits. I guarantee you that if this song is released as a single, it’s going to at least the Top 5 of the Adult Contemporary charts. It’s everything we could possibly want in a modern Mellow Gold song. I feel like less of a man already. It’s a classic.”

    ROTFLOL!!! You are a ‘classic’, too, Jason. :D Thanks for the much needed MG fix!!! LOLOL!!!
    :) Ross

  • Old Davy

    Mabbe ol’ Tim has ‘nother honey waitin’ fer him out in da wings somewheres, and so he ain’t all that bother’d ’bout his latest squeeze leavin’ him. Or maybe he’s just a wimp. And seriously, Paul Carrack wrote this? It’s got Tim Schmitt/JD Souther all over it.

  • jonfromcali

    Please allow me to interrupt this Timothy B. Schmit lovefest to extol the virtues of one Randy Meisner. I paid out the wazoo to see the Eagles in LA last week (I mostly did it because I will do just about anything for the Dixie Chicks, who opened the shows). The Eagles (despite opening with four songs from the new album that made them sound decrepit) were pretty good for a bunch of old farts–mostly because about half the show was dedicated to Joe Walsh numbers and Don Henley solo stuff, and Glen Frey only got to sing about five times.

    However, the gigantic hole in the center of the show was the absence of the Eagles’ finest song, “Take It To The Limit,” which of course was also Randy Meisner’s finest hour. Nothing Schmitt ever sang–heck, very little that Frey ever sang–came close to it. I miss him. While his first solo hit, “Deep Inside My Heart,” remains lost in the mists of out-of-printdom, I still treasure my 45 of his second hit, “Hearts On Fire.”

  • Dw Dunphy

    I really liked Meisner’s “Trouble Ahead”. Still, I keep getting Meisner mixed up with Messina and, therefore, the spectre of “impromptu duets with old friends” scares the livin’ Loggins out of me. Sorry, Randy. If you just left your last name as your parents intended, Lifschitz, this would never happen. DwD

  • http://pykorry.com/ Py Korry

    When I saw the title of this song, my first thought was: “Schmit wants to be deaf.”

  • http://tracysullivan.com Tracy

    I don’t want to hear anymore, …whining about how crappy this song is!
    This is an amazingly crafted and soulful song!

    Great music is about conveying emotions, that what a ballad is all about!

    Timothy’s voice is impeccable!!!

    Eagles Forever!

  • http://jabartlett.wordpress.com/2007/11/02/top-5-back-on-the-road-with-the-eagles/ Top 5: Back on the Road With the Eagles « The Hits Just Keep On Comin’

    […] Schmit’s “I Don’t Want to Hear Anymore” in his usual hilarious fashion here, although I have to say I liked it better the second time I heard it. Same for Schmit’s other […]

  • http://echoesinthewind.blogspot.com/ whiteray

    Classic work, Jason! (Your stuff, not the song!) I second the nearly-spit-on-the-keyboard comment.

  • Eric

    Oh my. The part where Joe Walsh is named as the other guy is priceless! This is the post of the month and it just began!

  • http://www.davewillieradio.blogspot.com Davewillie

    The Dixie Cunts are still around? I thought those bitches crawled back in the assholes they shit out of. Maybe it’s fitting two sellouts being paired together.

  • Ray

    Speaking of Timothy B. Schmit, anyone here dare to drag out his late 80s single “Boys Night Out”???

  • http://schiing.terjefjelde.com/ Terje

    Or maybe this
    clip (5 mb)
    from the unforgettable gem “Scenes from the
    Goldmine” (1987)?

    Schmit’s the guy who gets slapped in the beginning AND: We have John Ford Coley on drums, gentlemen! They even do a bit of acting near the end.

  • jonfromcali

    Holy crap! Who knew there were such vile pockets of Dixie Chicks bashing still holed up out in the hinterlands? Nice potty language…is someone feeling threatened?

  • Matt

    A Don Henley-obsessed (don’t ask) friend and I refer to him as “Timothy Be Shit”. Kind of cruel, but appropriate. Frey’s not singing “Take It to the Limit” live anymore? Wonder if Meisner had anything to do with that (if so, props to him). Actually, the new Eagles album bucks the usual double-album trend… disc TWO is actually not bad (with the exception of ILtWaWD, ewww), and disc ONE (which has both Tim Shit songs, natch) makes a good coaster.

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  • http://www.yahoo.com Tony Billoni

    Who castrated Schmit before he sang this song? Gawd, don’t these guys have one more “New Kid In Town” or “Already Gone” in them? Stephen Bishop and Rupert Holmes pee out stronger tunes than this one.

    Maybe a year of sharing Stevie Nicks between them would’ve helped.

  • David

    “Maybe a year of sharing Stevie Nicks between them would’ve helped.”

    BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

  • http://regonbroad.com Broad

    Hey! When did Ted Nugent join the Eagles?

  • amy777

    jason…when will you be back? seriously, it’s been 2 weeks?!? i need a chart flashback, stat!

  • Elaine

    I second amy777. Jason, where are youuuu??

  • http://jasonhare.com Jason

    I’ve been doing some plays and some music gigs (including one tonight) so my free time has largely been taken up by rehearsals. I’m trying to get back to finding time for writing, I promise…

  • Lyle

    I just bought this album last week and was really enjoying it until I read this post and the comments. Maybe it was worth it for the laughs (the post and comments), but jeez, this really puts a damper on the album. As a regular reader of Mellow Gold, I come to expect snarkiness, but did you have to take on NEW Mellow Gold? Couldn’t you let me enjoy it for awhile? Shouldn’t you have put out a spoiler alert?

    By the way, I found my album only had CD2 and I really wanted that song on CD1 “How Long”. So I drove all the way back to Walmart for a complete album. And the Customer Service rep said “did you see the Eagles on the CMA Awards show last night?” And I said “That’s why I decided to buy the album.”

    The comment about El DeBarge is right on. And Backstreet? Now we know who was their inspiration.

    Have you noticed the album got mentioned on CNN (“Eagles Flying High”), and now everywhere (like my health club) the old Eagles songs are showing up again? Maybe they are single-handedly bringing in the new age of Mellow Gold.

  • http://www.altcountrynl.blogspot.com Hugo

    Since I put up a link to your blog, you stopped posting. Is there a connection?

  • http://jasonhare.com Jason

    Finally, you get the hint!

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    […] many years later, Jason Hare tied it all together nicely with his loving portrait of Timothy B. Schmit, the […]

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    […] problems. They went straight to the B-list for possible replacements, including Art Garfunkel and the Cryptkeeper Timothy B. Schmit, but the folks at Atlantic Records pretty much told ‘em they had to get […]

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    […] big Long Road Out of Eden ballad, “I Don’t Want to Hear Anymore,” that inspired a classic post from my pal Jason Hare in which Schmit’s physical resemblance to the Crypt Keeper was pointed out, followed by a […]

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    […] it to the Popdose staff to answer the question. It’s a Popdose Deathmatch: The Lizard King vs. The Cryptkeeper. Let’s get ready to…ah, fuck it. Scott Malchus: The Doors.Michael Parr: I knew I liked you guys […]

  • Blind Freddy

    Yeah, Tim’s so ugly he still has women fighting over tickets to sit in front of him. He still has websites set up so they can swoon over him, and a very active discussion group on The Border Messageboard and a fan site on Facebook where women rave over his looks every day, and he’s 67 soon. He’s hated by bald fat talentless guys the world over. I guess it’s the long, long legs, the long, thick hair, athletic, still fit body, the jeans that make women weak at the knees, the face straight outa Gods box of miracles and the lack of aggression, lack of macho bullshit, lack of inflated ego and face pulling whilst playing the guitar. It could be the laid back cruizy voice and chilled out songs. The endless desire to focus attention away from himself and into whoever he is standing next too. The lack of bragging and his humble, quiet and truly grateful nature. The fact that the biggest band on the planet called and asked him to join them without an audition. The standing ovations and screaming and cheering every time he sings those songs of his. Yeah, he’s got nothin.

  • David

    Great song. And Timothy has been an extraordinarily popular and in demand singer and muso since his first days with Poco back in ’69. He’s reputation for being unaffected, humble, gracious, peace loving, coperative, shy, a true gentleman and for always directing the limelight away from himself is very rare in the music business. Timothy has been in the industry since he was 15 and he has never said a bad word about anyone, and considering the long list of big names he’s worked with, that also speaks of the mans integrity. Your article is full of humour. I’m sure it wouldn’t phase Timothy one bit if he knew of it’s existence because the man’s ego is practically non existant. You’d never know that he was famous by his quiet attitude. I’d love to write something humorous and similar about you, but I’ve never even heard of you.

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