The Third Day of Mellowmas: C&T Twofer!
Happy Third Day of Mellowmas! Today we’re celebrating/punishing you with not one, but two Mellowmas songs! Lucky you!
Captain & Tennille – I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas (download or stream below)
From The Secret of Christmas Amazon
[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Captain And Tennille – I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.mp3]
Jason: Jingle jingle!
Jeff: Cascading keyboards of crappiness!
Jason: Ready for shit? Here it comes!
Jeff: Oh, holy fuck.
Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA! She wants a hippopotamus, motherfucker! Give her a fucking hippopotamus!
Jeff: What did Daryl Dragon do to deserve this? He must beat her.
Jason: Does this suck or what? I don’t know who wrote this or why they wrote it.
Jeff: I know WHY they wrote it.
Jason: Why?
Jeff: They wrote it because they hate people. And Christmas. And hippos.
Jason: Teacher says hippo is a vegetarian! Or did she say vagitarian? She massages the hippo! I have the worst images running through my head.
Jeff: And the worst sounds to match!
Jason: Other people dream of sugar plum fairies. Not me. I dream of Tennille rubbing down a hippo.
Jeff: I dream of Tennille falling down a flight of stairs.
Jason: You can hear her smiling while she’s singing, which somehow makes it worse. Love those keyboards?
Jeff: Totally.
Jason: I don’t know if you’ve heard the rest of the album – I have – it’s ALL Casio.
Jeff: She’s like Kathie Lee Gifford’s shittier cousin.
Jason: Oh shit!
Jeff: Hippo voice!
Jason: The hippo’s talking! That’s probably Tennille’s voice when she gets pissed at Daryl.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: “FEED ME, DARYL!”
Jeff: Oof.
Jason: I wonder what the motivation was behind recording this song. Does she think kids are going to buy this album? Or parents are going to be on the playground, going “you have GOT to get the new Captain & Tennille album!”
Jeff: “I use it when my kids act up!”
Jason: “It has a HYSTERICAL song about hippopotamuses!”
Jeff: “I send them to their room and make them listen to it for hours!”
Jason: “She rubs down the hippo! It’s so funny!”
Jeff: “It works better than threatening them with military school!”
Jason: “Forget Muskrat Love! That’s so ’70s! Hippo Love is totally in vogue right now.”
Well, our readers deserve worse than this. They deserve another C&T shitty holiday song. Pull up “Here Comes Santa Claus.”
Jeff: Oh, another one!
Jason: I have heard this one already. It’s a Daryl Dragon instrumental.
Captain & Tennille – Here Comes Santa Claus (download or stream below)
[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Captain And Tennille – Here Comes Santa Claus.mp3]Jason: More jingles! That drum sound? Right out of the Casio bank.
Jeff: You weren’t kidding when you said this was all Casio.
Jason: I swear to you, this entire album is nothing but Casio.
Jeff: Holy shit. What the fuck are they spending their royalties on?
Jason: Oh, you just heard the “ho ho,” didn’t you? Seriously, it’s like it’s 1985 and he stole his kid’s keyboard. This is abysmal.
Jeff: Chipmunks! Hurry Christmas, don’t be late…
Jason: You think he was on acid?
Jeff: He’s definitely on my nerves.
Jason: I mean, who really enjoys their Casio this much? How old is he now? This is acceptable when you’re, I don’t know, 8. When you’re – how old is he, 80? 90?
Jeff: Really? You wouldn’t have hated this when you were 8?
Jason: If I was playing it? I’d be like, “oh BOY! Look what I can do!”
Jeff: “Look how many presets this thing has! All you have to do is hit “samba” and yell “ho, ho, ho” into this voice-changer mike!”
Jason: Do you think he’s still wearing the captain’s hat? I should tell our readers that there are some other Mellowmas gems on this album. I don’t think we should include any here.
Jeff: Such as “Tahoe Snow”? Or “Boogie Baby Christmas”?
Jason: There’s a song that features at least three Tennille parts, and she pretends it’s her and her sisters.
Jeff: Man, I’m looking at this track listing and finding it deeply disturbing that you’ve listened to the whole thing. You must be joking.
Jason: Dude, YOU sent it to me! Oh no, wait. You sent it to Vrabel. Vrabel sent it to us. You sent this to Vrabel, and I don’t think he even listened to it. We need to get Vrabel back. Any ideas?
Jeff: That’s okay. He listened to worse. (foreshadowing)
Jason: Brilliant! Before we finish this, I think I need to find the cover of this album. I have a bad feeling it’s horrible. Or a good feeling it’s horrible. Either way, my stomach hurts.
Jeff: Sounds like you need another dose of Mellowmas.
Jason: Ugh! She’s smelling his aftershave!
Jeff: Dig that font.
Jason: Nothing says “class” like a tie with a denim shirt. You know what I miss? Daryl’s moustache. That thing was KICKIN’. At least he still has his “Capt. Douchebag” hat.
Jeff: I think those might be Crunch Berries on his tie.
Jason: Ha ha ha! Wait, actual crunch berries? Like, from breakfast that day?
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
(Jeff & Jason note: To our chagrin, we discovered that “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” is actually an old classic. You’re off the hook this time, Daryl.)Â
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:29 am
“At a dinner over the summer, [Jason’s aunt] mentioned that she likes my website, but occasionally blushes at my profanity and thinks, “this can’t be my Jason writing such things.” So you know what I did? I stopped using bad language pretty much entirely. I found that I could express myself perfectly well without using such profanity.” –Jason Hare, commenting on a Michael Howland Show post
Except where Captain and Tennille are involved, apparently.
All in favor of Jason’s aunt washing his mouth out with soap?
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:31 am
Mellowmas is an exception, fuckface.
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:36 am
Sweet Jesus, I can’t even bring myself to listen to these two tracks. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” is apparently a big request item on country radio at Christmastime. Which means that somewhere, there’s a guy in a pickup with a gun rack driving down a dirt road at 75mph singing along to it at the top of his lungs, and I want to move to Canada.
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:42 am
I once responded to a supervisor’s request to clean up my language with an earnest “go fuck yourself.” Mellowmas will be 100% R-rated as long as I’m here. Take that, Jason’s aunt!
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:53 am
What the hell happened to her voice? She sounds like a boozed out choir instructor trying to “bring the fun” to an otherwise shitty school event.
December 3rd, 2007 at 11:47 am
Anyone else picturing Peter Griffin at the mall and a guy yelling, “Hey, you’re not playing that at all! You’re a PHONY!!”
December 3rd, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Ah, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. Chicks dig Casio! (Well, if you can consider Tenille a chick… Insert your own old fowl joke here.)
December 3rd, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Why do the Captain and Tenille hate Christmas so much as to give us this album? And why do our hosts hate Christmas so much as to draw our attention to it?
These two songs achieve the dubious distinction of making “Muskrat Love” sound like Beethoven. At least there was some plausible motivation for the original of “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (at the link they claim it was a fundraiser for the Oklahoma City Zoo), but as Dave Barry said, this is a song you can listen to only so many times, and by “so many times” I mean “once”.
December 3rd, 2007 at 7:07 pm
You may have just ruined my Christmas. And it’s only December 3rd.
December 3rd, 2007 at 7:41 pm
The original version of the hippo song was a staple on the Dr. Demento show. It’s even on his “Greatest Novelty X-Mas Songs Ever” CD (or whatever it’s called)
December 3rd, 2007 at 7:49 pm
“Why do the Captain and Tenille hate Christmas so much as to give us this album? And why do our hosts hate Christmas so much as to draw our attention to it?” Why do bees be? Why do birds bird?
C&T (wow, that sounds TERRIBLE when said out loud) were hoping for a big comeback one Christmas, but Santa stiffed them. Ever since, it’s been a Casio-tinged hatefest.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:31 am
The only thing that would put this over the top is if he was actually playing the Keytar.
December 4th, 2007 at 7:44 am
This song is kind of cute when sung by an 11-year old girl. But by an 80 year old woman whose voice is obviously shot? Not so much. And what the hell happened to Tennille’s voice anyway? It sounds like she has a hippo in her throat.
December 4th, 2007 at 11:25 am
seriously dudes, this has gone beyond “mellowmas” and right on into “retardedmas”
December 4th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
‘Though your Christmas wishes may be fulfilled with a trough of Icehouse and a styrofoam cup of nacho cheese, what the children of Oklahoma City wanted, and what children everywhere want, is a zoo where they can stroll the pathways strung with holiday lights, and gaze into the eyes of the gentle hippopotamus.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Boys and girls, this is what happens when you deep-throat the Captain one too many times. Ouch!
December 6th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
The secret of Christmas is that it sucks so bad.
December 13th, 2013 at 9:37 am
[…] I’ve never taken LSD, but I think this is what the Captain and Tennille’s Christmas record might sound like if I did. Seriously, how long do you think this took to record? An afternoon? What […]