The Fourth Day of Mellowmas: Not Bill Bellamy
Happy fourth day of Mellowmas! Before you join us under the palm tree, you should know that there’s a place where you can actually get some good holiday tunes this year. Check out our friend Jeff Ash at AM, Then FM: thoughtful music from a thoughtful writer.
And now, back to the crap!
Bellamy Brothers - Having A Tropical Christmas (download or stream below)
From The Stars Come Out For Christmas Vol. V Amazon
Jason: This song sounds famliar.
Jeff: I feel seasick.
Jason: And not just because it’s a Buffett ripoff.
Jeff: I think there’s sand in my ass, too.
Jason: I think you made me listen to this one last year. This is disappointing already, because the only Bellamy I know is Bill Bellamy. And this is definitely not Bill Bellamy.
Jeff: I think this is Bill Bellamy.
Jason: Who are these douchebags?
Jeff: Wayne Brady on the glockenspiel.
Jason: Are these Jimmy Buffett’s roadies? Because I’m pretty sure he trademarked this sound.
Jeff: I don’t know anything about the Bellamy Brothers…other than that I hate them.
Jason: Did they just thank Baby Jesus? For this…
Jeff: “…Tropical silent night.” Ugh.
Jason: I know. This is terrible. And YOU sent it to me. Twice. You hate me. Oh god, jingle bells and steel drums.
Jeff: Or the steel drum setting on a Casio synth, anyway.
Jason: I generally don’t mind jingle bells on most songs, but next to a steel drum? Yuck. They’re going to go caroling through paradise. What a gay set of brothers.
Jeff: I think the only Christmas song I’ve ever hated more is the Mike Love one.
Jason: Oh, don’t get me started on that one. That one’s next, kiddo.
Jeff: groan
Jason: They’re building snowmen in the sand. Couldn’t they come up with better lyrics?
Jeff: Grandma wants a new bikini!
Jason: I just threw up!
Jeff: Holy shit is this bad. And they fade it out! That means there’s MORE of this in a vault somewhere.
Jason: They just said “let there be peace on Earth” during the fadeout! Did you notice they saved the most important message for the fadeout? It was MUCH more important for them to talk about their grandmother wearing a goddamn bikini.
Jeff: Was that the most important message? I feel like “Satan is my master” was the overriding theme here. And speaking of Satan, I wonder if this would be good if you played it backwards.
Jason: These brothers are perverts. Hmmm, maybe it IS Bill Bellamy!
Jeff: Dude, the Bellamy brothers are actual brothers.
Jason: You know them?
Jeff: I just looked it up.
Jason: Oh no. Wanna bet if one of them is dead?
Jeff: They are unfortunately both still alive.
Jason: What else have they done? Other than wished me the worst Mellowmas ever?
Jeff: Let me see…Oh, “Let Your Love Flow.” No wonder this sucked.
Jason: What the hell is that? Does it also sound like “Margaritaville?”
Jeff: I guarantee you have it on your iPod right now, dumbass.
Jason: What year?
Jeff: Uh. 1976. Oh, this is perfect. Aside from being their biggest hit, “Let Your Love Flow” has the distinction of having been written by one of Neil Diamond’s roadies.
Jason: I have it! Should I listen to it? Dare I listen to it?
Jeff: Sure. I know you know it.
Jason: Am I getting away from the spirit of Mellowmas if I do so?
Jeff: “The Bellamys’ most recent project is an album of gospel music, titled Jesus Is Coming, released on May 8, 2007.”
Jason: Sounds like a porn movie.
Jeff: Ha! Just play it, so you can put this Turdmas classic behind you and we can move on to…oh, wait, no, don’t. Let’s never move on.
Jason: Ha! I don’t know this, actually. And I think I kind of like it.
Jeff: Get outta here!
Jason: So maybe we should move on.
Jeff: They have apparently performed the song at multiple rallies for George W. Bush.
Jason: I LOVE George W. Bush! This is perfect!
Jeff: So now I’m certain I’d probably dislike them as people as much as I hate them as musicians.
December 4th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I didn’t think anyone could top the C&T shit-fest from yesterday, but the Bellamy Bros. have done it.
December 4th, 2007 at 11:26 am
I think we should have a lengthy argument about whether the percussion instrument used here is a ratchet or a guiro. Nice to know that some people sweat while singing Jingle Bells. There’s an image I didn’t need.
December 4th, 2007 at 11:29 am
I cannot believe you two are sitting there hating on “Let Your Love Flow.” I like that song.
This song however, I turned off right as he was thanking Baby Jesus for something.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
If I said this was a bucket of vomit, would you hold it against me?
December 4th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
You hold buckets of vomit against you? Kinky.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
If I said you had some beautiful holly, would you rub it against me …
I’ve got news for the Bellamy Brothers — the baby Jesus hates them, regardless of where or how often they thank him.
Rob
EightE1
December 4th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
“Yo, it’s Santa. Just finished my ride, and my wing man Rudolph and I are ready to kick back. But dude, after desecrating me, Baby Jesus, flamingoes, coconuts, palm trees, and classics like Silent Night and Jingle Bells, I think I’m cruising over to the Marley’s in Jamaica. They have killer brownies too. Hope you aren’t too bummed.
But hey, text me if Granny is free… that new bikini is rrrrrggghhhh. I’ll send the sleigh. Word. Peace out.”
December 4th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Curt… No diggity.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:32 am
Do you guys have a special section in your music collections entitled “CRAP”?
December 5th, 2007 at 4:44 am
OK Fuckheads, listen up. There is NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL that I ever get to spend time in the Tropics “mingling ornaments with coconut lights” or whatev…I’m too DAMN BUSY the ENTIRE year keeping these shithead elves in line. They’re always bitching about short people’s rights or labor laws or other stupid-ass shit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to chase off union organizers. So take this shitty song and stuff it up your chimney chute because it simply AIN’T TRUE. “Tropical Christmas” my ass. People think I only work one night a year…they have NO FUCKING IDEA!!!
December 5th, 2007 at 6:55 am
DwD…is that you??
Old Davy:
“Do you guys have a special section in your music collections entitled “CRAP”?”
Yeah. It’s called “my entire music collection.”
December 5th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Is what me? I’m just in the bathroom, snuggling a bucket of warm puke.
Oh, baby.
December 5th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Jason, the Santa rant was me. Yeah, I was up at 4:44 am listening to the latest installment of Mellowmas, and really feeling the hate…I mean LOVE. Now, on to bash Mike Love!