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The Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Return To Kokomo


Welcome to Day Five of Mellowmas! Call me crazy, but this could be the worst day of them all.

Mike Love – Santa’s Goin’ To Kokomo (download or stream below)
From Mike Love Sucks Donkey Balls iTunes


Jason: Listen. Since we were down in the tropics yesterday…why leave? Let’s just move over a little bit. Let’s go to Kokomo. Mind you, I don’t want to go there. But I know you do. Otherwise, why would you actually BUY me this track last year? And then post it on your own site? And then suggest it for Mellowmas?

Jeff: I’m scared. But I’m willing to face my fear. Let’s go.


Jason: Ding dong, ding dong! Asshole at the door! The minute I hear his voice, I want to punch him in his smug little mouth.

Jeff: I was just thinking that.

Jason: Who are these fucking kids? These kids are getting coal in their stocking. Every year from now on.

Jeff: Eventually, Mike will sue them to get it.

Jason: “Santa caught a sunburn surfing on his sled!” You know the kids sang it and Love was like, “you kids suck. You don’t know how to sing. I am the Beach Boys, you little shits!”

Jeff: I wonder if Mike Love owns any of the places he’s naming in this song.

Jason: Do you think there’s any greater form of selling out than playing backup for Mike Love?

Jeff: Rock solo! Who’s the asshole playing this solo?

Jason: Dual guitars! He couldn’t even find guys to accurately replicate the Beach Boys sound.

Jeff: “All the other places Santa likes to go.” You’re gross, Mike Love.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! “When they really need a break from working at the pole!” Holy SHIT! Shame on you, Mike Love!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Listen to the clapping at the end!

Jeff: At least it’s short.

Jason: What you don’t hear is Mike Love going, “don’t fucking clap, you little bastards!” You ever see Jimmy Fallon do his Barry Gibb impression on SNL, where he’s like, “I’M BARRY FREAKIN’ GIBB!”? That seems much more appropriate for Mike Love.

Jeff: His Wikipedia entry says “Love has attempted several times to have a career outside the Beach Boys. However, in 2003 he announced plans for a new solo album. This album, which has been announced under the working titles Unleash The Love and Mike Love, Not War (not to be confused with the Beach Boys bootleg of the same name), is still a work in progress, though bootleg recordings have appeared.” So goddamn icky.

Jason: You know, the story behind “Kokomo” is fascinating, but I’d much rather it had never happened. Not just because the song sucks. But because it made Love believe he really could have a future without Brian.

Jeff: You don’t think he believed that in 1960?

Jason: See? Now I’m all depressed. Mike Love has ruined Mellowmas. More than the Bellamy Brothers. So answer me. Why did you want to do this song in 2007 when you already subjected your readers to it back in 2006? Why do you hate me? Why do you hate them? Why do you hate truth and freedom and justice and Santa Claus?

Jeff: I’m a complicated man.

  • jack

    From the article: Phillips sent their composition to Beach Boys frontman Mike Love, who had a few important suggestions. ”I told John that it didn’t groove enough for me,” says Love. ”So I came up with the ‘Aruba, Jamaica’ part. And I changed a couple of words. He had it as ‘That’s where we ‘used’ to go.’ I said, ‘That sounds like an old man lamenting his lost or misspent youth.’ I changed it to ‘That’s where you ‘wanna’ go.”’

    “Didn’t groove enough”?!? I hate Mike Love. I’m so glad Dennis Wilson shacked up with Love’s daughter. What a playa.

  • pan

    “He’s facing his fear. HE’S FACING HIS FEAR!”

  • It’s like Mike Love meets Kidz Bop — with all the suckiness that it implies.

  • You cannot make me listen to this song. No. I’ll defend the Bellamy Brothers, I’ll listen to synth-piano takes on Kwanzaa, but no … I cannot deal with the albatross of the Beach Boys lineup singing about Kokomo and a sunburned Santa. (Though I did go to the dermatologist yesterday, and it reminds me that Santa should really take more care with the sunscreen.)

  • Jim

    Look daddy, teacher says everytime a new mellowmas song is posted some brat captures an angel and pulls off it’s wings!


  • Michael

    “Jeff: I’m a complicated man.”

    (Sing it with me now)

    Who’s the white music dork that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?


    You damn right.

    He’s a complicated man, no one understands him but his Jason.

    Jeff Giles.

  • George

    Was John Stamos involved with this song at all?

  • Brad G

    I think you guys just ruined my Christmas spirit with that song. Hopefully the copy of “Jeff’s 2003 Holiday Music” CD that I have will bring it back.

  • Eric Lund

    The hippopotamus song from a couple of days ago set a high standard for awfulness, but this one approaches that level. I don’t care where Santa takes his post-Christmas vacation, but if he goes to “Kokomo” he’s just another snowbird.

    (Disclosure: I grew up in the Miami area and have no desire to go back to Florida.)

    BTW, there was no such place as Kokomo in the Florida Keys until that song became a hit. Afterward, at least two or three places tried to capitalize on it.

  • Dw. Dunphy

    I don’t have any will left in me to snark after that song… so it’s off to go kick some puppies and orphans.

  • Dw. Dunphy

    Grandma’s Christmas Pudding

    Grandma’s making Christmas pudding
    Chocolate or vanilla
    We asked her what the flavor was
    “Hold on a second, fella!”

    “I’m making British Christmas Pudding”
    That’s the term she said
    And the prospect of it
    Filled our very souls with dread

    Throw in a little cocoa, perhaps a pinch of spice
    Some fruit down on the bottom shelf could really make it nice
    There’s some vidalia onions she was saving for a stew
    On second thought, oh what the heck, she threw ’em in there too

    Chop up a head of cabbage, a dab of mayonnaise
    A fifth of gin, some horseradish to stink things up for days
    A mushy old tomato, off colored, slightly bruised
    On second thought, oh what the heck, she threw it in there too

    Unwrapped a slice or two of cheese and chucked them in the pot
    With any other leftovers that Grandma may have got
    She keeps the quality control, not any old crap will do
    On second thought, oh what the heck, she’ll throw them in there too

    It’s a common myth the pilgrims left
    For their religious freedoms
    And not for terrible British food
    And their mums told them to “eat ’em”!
    The texture’s burnt or runny
    The scent would make you cry
    Hide the junk beneath the crust
    And call it Shepherd’s Pie

    And when the ‘fridge was empty, as was the pantry stock
    She dumped the swill into a Proctor Silex kitchen crock
    And let the foul stuff percolate, a wicked, witches brew
    I bet if she had eye of newt she’d have thrown it in there too

    A couple hours later when it was time to serve
    She took a testing taste of her specialty h’ors d’ouvres
    She lifted off the lid and loudly said “Pee Yoo!”
    “It smells like something horse farmers would scrape up off their shoe!”

    Grandma’s made a Christmas pudding
    Not rice nor tapioca
    We can’t tell what the flavor was
    The stench alone could choke ya

    “I’m through with British Christmas Pudding!”
    That was her exclamation
    “From now on all I’m making”
    “Is restaurant reservations”

  • I was trying to figure out what the point was behind your comment. I’m guessing it’s to make me feel what you’re all feeling right now?

  • EightE1

    You gotta wonder whether Brian Wilson, in the midst of his drug-addled mental collapse, ever recognized that, even though he was 300 pounds, creatively dried up, possibly insane, and definitely sitting in a sandbox in his living room, that as long as Mike Love was in the Beach Boys, Brian could never be the biggest tool in the band.

    I won’t even get into the cover art, either. If Santa’s so stoked about going to Kokomo, why’s he playing his (very manly) pink guitar AT THE NORTH FREAKIN’ POLE?

    When are we getting some Fogelberg in this here joint? After this, we need some ROCK.


  • As I’ve said before, I was once assigned to review the Mike and Dean Show, and would rather have seen the Jan and Brian Show.

  • Old Davy

    This song is the aural equivalent of the swine flu.

  • Dw. Dunphy

    Nauseous? You’re welcome. (Let us never speak of Mike Love again.)

  • This song played backwards should cure anyone ever interested in being a pedophile. Forwards, too.

  • This song will be covered on Jimmy Buffett’s upcoming “Christmas Island II.”