The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Mistletoe, Wine & Bad Teeth
It’s Day Six of Mellowmas, and you may be wondering: is Mellowmas any different over in Jolly Old England? The horrible truth is…it may be worse!
Cliff Richard – Mistletoe & Wine (download or stream below)
From Mistletoe & Wine
Jason: Wow, listen to that cute little synthesizer.
Jeff: How gentle! How mellow!
Jason: Now, you know the story behind Cliff, right?
Jeff: Isn’t this guy like Elvis in England?
Jason: Apparently. He’s had, like, a million Christmas #1 hits in the UK. I only know him because of “Suddenly” with Olivia.
Jeff: He sounds like a cross between Glenn Medeiros and a recurring nightmare I used to have.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I just spit out my egg nog!
Jeff: Gifts on the tree?
Jason: A time for trusting, not deceiving. Just follow the master, Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah, I noticed that too. I wonder what he’s trying to talk her into?
Jason: Christmas time! Mistletoe and Wine!
Jason: I just heard that line about gifts on the tree again.
Jeff: Again with the gifts on the tree.
Jason: That makes no sense.
Jeff: A time for getting!
Jason: I think that was a real trumpet! Wait…what the hell is that?? Is that a baby crying?? Was that a guy actually pretending to play a harmonica with his mouth?
Jeff: What about that freaky chick doing background?
Jason: Listen to that timpani!!! Oh my god!
Jeff: Wow, is this over the top or what?
Jason: Seriously! And those are real horns, too.
Jeff: It’s like a Meat Loaf Christmas song.
Jason: Mmmm, meatloaf. That sounds better than mistletoe and wine. That sounds like that would taste terrible.
Jeff: Makes about as much sense lyrically as a Loaf song would, actually. There’s that chick again. I wonder if it’s Cliff Richard?
Jason: Ugh!
Jeff: Or if he found himself a little castrato boy?
Jason: I bet that’s not a girl! I bet that’s a boy!
Jeff: On loan from Gary Glitter!
Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, production by Gary Glitter! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I’m scared that we both went there instantly.
Jeff: Our lawyers will be scared, too.
Jason: So Wikipedia says that this was Cliff’s 99th single. And his 12th #1.
Jeff: This was a single? Oh, man. What year?
Jason: 1988! The song “was originally performed by Twiggy in a TV musical based on Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Match Girl in 1986. Richard liked the song but wanted to change the lyrics to reflect a more religious theme, to which the writers agreed.” 4 weeks at #1 and 750,000 copies! Holy shit! I can totally understand it, though. It does have a classic Christmas carol sound.
Jeff: Yeah, well, this is the same country that made a sensation out of that ringtone frog. And Bob the Builder. And the Spice Girls.
Jason: “It was also used in a British public information film about drink driving, with the intention of scaring motorists.”
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: They succeeded!
Jeff: All they had to do was film a drunk driver frantically trying to change the station! Swerving this way and that!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! “I could have sworn he was talking about gifts on a tree!”
Jeff: Having heard only one of Cliff Richard’s 99 singles, I believe I can now say he sucks.
Jason: That’s not true. You know “Suddenly.” It was a Mellow Gold selection. And I love that song.
Jeff: I may have heard it. But I don’t remember it.
Jason: Nice to know you read my entries. I shouldn’t talk. though. I never read your stuff.
[youtube]asq7TW4bRBU[/youtube]
December 6th, 2007 at 10:08 am
I forgot all about “Suddenly.” That one wasn’t so bad, but my favorite of Cliff’s was always “We Don’t Talk Anymore.” Remember that one? I had the 45 (still have it, actually) and it was one of my most-spun records as a pre-schooler. But this “Mistletoe and Wine” business? Yeah, it’s Christmassey, but a #1? I bet it sounds awesome after half a bottle of Chivas.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Being a big Elvis Costello fan I always wondered if the open line from “The Beat” was a poke at Cliff Richard’s song “Summer Holiday” (i.e., “We’re all going on a summer holiday…”). However, I was too lazy to check it out — until now! One Google search later and it seems that was indeed the case with the lyric.
I have family that lives in the UK, so I’ve been aware of Cliff’s popularity since I was a kid, but never understood the appeal.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:35 am
When I saw the post’s heading I thought it would be The Pogues….
But of course, that’s not truly mellow, nor does it leave a bad taste in my mouth.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
The song itself would only be a minor sin. It’s the video that puts this into mortal sin territory. Did anybody else find the actors playing toy soldiers out of place? The video also left the backup singer’s gender ambiguous.
Mondegreen alert: I suspect (without looking up the lyrics) that a certain line should be “Christmas is love”, but it sounded to me like “Christmas is law”. Have a Happy Christmas, or else! (Not a Merry Christmas like we Yanks do.)
December 6th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
You’ve never heard “Devil Woman” (top ten US 1976)? She’s gonna get you from behind! Stay away! Look out!
December 6th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Mistletoe? Wine? Gifts on the tree?
GASP! A wang reference?!
December 6th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
A bit of context:
In “Thank You, Girls,” Christopher Priest recounts how on a double date the girls dragged him to see The Beatles in one of their early club dates. At this point, like most of the world, he’d never heard of them.
“They’re going to be bigger than Elvis Presley!” one of the girls declared.
Chris thought to himself, well, okay, I could see how someone could be bigger than Elvis.
Then she continued: “They’re going to be bigger than Cliff Richard!”
That’s when he knew she was full of shit. Because nobody could ever be bigger than Cliff Richard.
Meanwhile what through my headphones should appear but jolly Blink 182 caroling “It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two fucking presents!”
December 6th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
My god, I read that Priest piece when it came out in a fanzine — Deadloss, I suppose — something like thirty years ago. I never thought to see it cited here!
December 6th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
“Young Ones! Darling, we’re the Young Ones!” (Look it up — great TV show. And I can only assume Rik’s devotion to Cliff Richard was meant to be ironic. Especially after hearing this.)
December 6th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Forget Jim Nabors — THIS is a song in dire need of a belch.
They must have some pretty strong trees over thar in England, wid all them gifts hangin’ off ’em.
Rob
EightE1
December 6th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
I’m gonna tell you right now, J- you and Jeff kid about this Mellowmas being punishment, but I’ve listened to .5 mins of X-mas Kokomo and .01 seconds of this and I now see that this is no joke. This is punishment. What have we done to deserve THIS!?! I need music therapy now to balance out this auditory horror. I need….
Trina.
;-)
December 6th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
What’s up with the dancing in this video? It looks like they used the choreographer for Vanilla Ice, only snuck valium into the Cliff’s drink so all he could do was make those dorky pendulum waves with his arms while standing in place.
And what the hell are “chris-tee-an rhymes” anyway?
December 6th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Old Threat to the Kid: “You’d better be good because Santa’s watching and you wouldn’t want to be on his naughty list”. New Threat to the Kid: “Shape up or I’ll make you listen to today’s Mellowmas offering!!” Take a guess at which one is more effective??
And Beau, the title song to “Young Ones” is a Cliff Richard song…irony abounds!
December 7th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Awesome comments, guys, really funny. Just two responses:
1) I predict that by the end of Mellowmas, we will all be apologizing for anything bad we said about Teddy Pendergrass. Mellowzaa turned out to be a LOT more listenable than what’s come since.
2) Please don’t tell me you’re preparing us for a Christmas song from Meat Loaf. My god, is there such a thing?
December 8th, 2007 at 10:07 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just watched the video. Is Cliff trying to land a jet?
December 10th, 2007 at 5:33 am
You think this is bad? More recently, one of his festive outings was the Millennium Prayer, which was the Lord’s Prayer set to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. No, really. I’m guessing that wasn’t released in the States then?
December 11th, 2007 at 8:33 am
The UK Christmas Hit culture is quite frightening.
Crowd pleasers like Rolf Harris crawl out of the woodwork with “The Little Drummer Boy”. Or Clive Dunn (dressed up as Granddad) with “Granddad”. Or Slade with “Merry Xmas Everybody”. But Jeff knows about that one…
This year’s contenders include a Scottish miserabilist, an 80-year-old crooner and an animated sheep
The bookies make a mint, the tabloids have a field day and everyone has a wonderful time.
Especially the Telegraph.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/main.jhtml?xml=/arts/2007/12/06/bmchristmas106.xml&DCMP=ILC-traffdrv07053100. Which isn’t a tabloid.
But Cliff Richard did at least one decent song with Rock’n’Roll Juvenile. Self-deprecating lyrics – “I’m a rock’n’roll Holy Roller” -and I always was sucker for the slide guitar..
Over at YMBFA if you want to listen
December 18th, 2007 at 9:59 am
Three good reasons not to knock Cliff Richard:
1. His first hit, “Move it”, is one of the two great early British rock’n’roll songs (the other being Johnny Kidd’s “Shaking All Over”, which The Who later covered).
2. In concert, he still loves to play rock’n’roll. (Yes, I have seen him live several times.)
3. He released “Millennium Prayer” himself after his record company refused to touch it, and it went to Number 1. I would never buy it myself, but it’s always nice to see the prats who run big record companies proved wrong.
December 22nd, 2007 at 4:56 am
While I too am scratching my head at the “gifts on the tree” lyric, this is surely not the only song that mentions that idea… the perennial “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” contains the line “please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree…”
And yes, this line has always annoyed the bejeezus out of me; either that tree must be awfully sturdy (like another poster commented) or those are some really chintzy gifts!
June 9th, 2008 at 10:47 am
[…] the ’80s, he scored his biggest hit yet with the Christmas dreckfest “Mistletoe and Wine†(go here to be horrified as my colleagues Jason Hare and Jeff Giles poop all over it) and briefly submitted […]