Something surprising happens today, on Day Seven of Mellowmas: we actually wind up with a song that’s…not so bad! Will you feel the same? Listen and read on, suckas!
Jason: Ooh, listen to that classic sound. That actually is quite pretty.
Jeff: How loooooooooooong…has this reindeer been Rudolphin’ on… I’m falling asleep.
Jason: This doesn’t even sound like Paul Carrack to me. I hope the whole song isn’t this slow.
A few seconds pass.
Jason: OOOOH YEAH! Samba, bitches! Or whatever style this is.
Jeff: Ha ha ha! I think Casio calls it “drunk.”
Jason: Okay, well, give him credit for at least shaking it up a little. HORNS!!!
Jeff: Horn blast!
Jason: Those things damn near knocked me out of my chair!
Jeff: I think I can hear him snapping his fingers.
Jason: Jeff? I like this.
Jeff: Oh, wow.
Jason: I actually like this.
Jeff: This is, like, an arrangement.
Jason: I’m not crazy about the samba beat, but the big band sound is working for me.
Jeff: Big finish!
Jason: I like this a lot.
Jeff: Carrack just did the splits!
Jeff: Yelled something unintelligible to the band!
Jason: Carrack quickly left the studio in the middle to write a song for Timothy B. Schmit!
Jeff: Ha! I think this may have actually been recorded live.
Jason: Wait, he just said “Santa came to stay,” not “say.” KEY CHANGE! I LOVE key changes. This song rocks.
Jeff: Yeah, I can’t argue with this.
Jason: It’s actually recorded really well, too. Like, great production.
Jeff: I bow down to Paul Carrack. (applause)
Jason: “History, man!”
Jeff: Paul Carrack saved Mellowmas.
Jeff: That was great.
Jason: Great ending! You liked it too?
Jeff: Who wouldn’t like that?
Jason: I don’t get it. This isn’t the Paul Carrack I know. For starters, he looks like Mandy Patinkin on the cover.
Jeff: Hey, I’m just as pleasantly surprised as you. I wonder if Patinkin has released a holiday album.
Jason: Oh, I’m sure he has. Not only that, I’m sure I’ve bought it for my mother.
Jeff: Have you heard him sing? He sounds like Jim Nabors’ aunt.
Jason: How about that? He hasn’t. I heard Patinkin on the radio today singing a Sondheim tune. I was really excited to hear it, and then I turned it off instantly.
Jeff: I say we start a letter campaign asking for “A Very Mandy Hanukkah.”
Jason: Happy Patinkinmas! Hey, have you heard the rest of this Carrack album?
Jeff: I haven’t, but now I really want to.
Jason: Yeah. I agree. Wow. I can’t believe that we’re actually not ripping a Mellowmas artist apart. I kind of blame this on you. You picked this one.
Jeff: It seemed perfectly bad. Paul Carrack…Rudolph…what could go right?
Jason: I’m going to have to listen to the rest of this album. We’ve failed, Jeff. We’ve failed ourselves and our readers. I mean, reader. I just heard him leave. He took a ginger snap, some egg nog, gave us the finger and ran out.
Jeff: No, no, we’re just softening them up for the next terrible track. The death blow is so much more painful when you aren’t expecting it.
Jason: Let’s give ‘em something really bad tomorrow! Like….FOGELMAS!
Jeff: (evil cackle)