The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Boltonmas!
Day Eleven of Mellowmas is here! Hark, the herald Bolton swings!
Michael Bolton -Joy To The World (download or stream below)
From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes
Jason: Wow! How can this suck already?
Jeff: Why does he have to shout everything?
Jason: “WORLD! REMEMBER ME?”
Jeff: He always sounds like he’s having his prostate examined.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! His vocal just threw me back in my chair and smacked me around. It’s like he’s ordering me to let Earth receive her King.
Jeff: And heav-EEEEEEEEN
Jason: Apparently me not letting heaven and nature sing is not an option.
Jeff: Swingin’!
Jason: Oooh yeah! I’m tapping my foot! If only I could jam it in my ear!
Jeff: Ugh. I wish Frank Sinatra would rise from the dead and kick Bolton’s ass. Although I guess if he was going to do that, he would have done it after Bolton did Bolton Swings Sinatra last year.
Jason: Oh shit! Choir! That’s a gospel choir, isn’t it. All those singers. All of them now evil in the eyes of God.
Jeff: Ha!
Jason: Why does Michael Bolton think he’s black?
Jeff: I wish, if Bolton had to do another Christmas record, he would have just turned some of his old hits into carols. And not pooped all over good songs.
Jason: If Kenny G shows up on this track, I’m going to be very, very upset.
Jeff: “How Can We Be Naughty If We Can’t Be Nice,” for instance.
Jason: I don’t even know these verses. I’m assuming they’re real.
Jeff: I’m assuming they’re English.
Jason: Hey, can you imagine Bolton singing “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas?”
Jeff: I’m sure he’d belt it out with the utmost conviction.
Jason: Jeff, are you letting heaven and nature sing?
Jeff: Quiet again!
Jason: Oh, right. Sorry. Shhh.
Jeff: Do you think Bolton owns a reindeer sweater?
Jason: It’s over?
Jeff: I think you mean “It’s over!”
Jason: All that and he ended it softly?
Jeff: “Let heaven and nature sing!”
Jason: Did you? Did you let heaven and nature sing? I mean both of them. Not just one.
Jeff: I tried to, but I couldn’t hear anything over Bolton’s yelling.
Jason: If I find out you just let heaven sing, and completely ignored nature…we’re listening to it again.
Jeff: No! No! I heard them both!
Jason: That’s RIGHT, you heard them both.
Jeff: phew
Jason: I have a cousin who didn’t behave this year. I may put this in
his stocking. Although that’s a bit harsh.
Jeff: Do you really want that on your conscience?
Jason: No, no, you’re right.
Jeff: I mean, if he slept with your wife, maybe.
Jason: I’m feeling sadistic. Wanna listen to it again?
Jeff: Never. Don’t forget, I had to review this.
Jason: I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait until you’re sleeping. Then, very quietly, I’m going to creep into the room. Nevermind how I got keys to your house.
Jeff: And take my son? Please. Take my son.
Jason: No, you’re stuck with that crying lil’ menace. I’m going to get a set of speakers and put them right next to your head. Then I’m going to turn the volume up as high as it will go. I’m going to start this track. And I’m going to watch how fast you jump out of bed, and hopefully take a photo of the look of sheer terror on your face.
Jeff: I’m changing the locks. And phoning the constable.
Jason: It’s either that or I throw a bucket of ice cold water on you. I think you’d prefer the water.
Jeff: You think? I think I’d prefer boiling water.
Jason: What would you prefer: Bolton or a swift kick in the junk?
Jeff: Ha!
Jason: Choose, but choose wisely.
Jeff: Which is worse: Bolton or French-kissing your grandmother?
Jason: My grandmother or your grandmother? I just want to be specific here.
Jeff: Bolton’s grandmother!
Jason: HA HA HA!
Jeff: And Jim Nabors has to watch.
Jason: While Daryl Dragon does the soundtrack!
Jeff: …and scene!
December 11th, 2007 at 9:49 am
Bolton could stand 20 feet away from the microphone and STILL peg the VU meters.
Screw the Hippo, I wanna hear MB sing “Santa’s Goin’ To Kokomo”.
How about Bolton and Whitney H. having a “Who-can-sing-loudest-and-still-not-inject-any-emotion-into-the-vocal” contest?
December 11th, 2007 at 10:24 am
I think this edition of Mellowmas had the most “funny” per sentence than anything I’ve read so far. You guys had me laughing pretty hard — which is not easy considering I’m at work.
December 11th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
This was the first day of Mellowmas I considered skipping. All the other days had at least one redeeming quality – Jim Nabors’ earnest, otherworldly dirge, or the 100% American Cheese of Daryl Dragon, or even the amazing spectacle of Mike Love setting the bar yet again for douchbags everywhere.
THIS one…just…ugh.
December 11th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I am absolutely transfixed by Mr Bolton’s steely blue eyes and smug little smile on that album cover.
He’s taunting me. I can feel it.
“You will buy another album of my schlock. You have been for over thirty years. You are my bitches. Muuhahahahaha”
December 11th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
The only song on which I’ve ever liked Bolton was Saturday Night Live’s appeal for free-range chicken.
“Raise your hands, raise your voice, give the chickens another choice.”
December 11th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Terror? I’ll give you terror. This page loaded up really slow, so instead of Jason & Jeff’s sadistic grinning glee, or that friendly banner inferring, “Dis mus’ be de place!”, all I got was Bolton.
Just Bolton. For ten dead-eyed seconds.
I thought I had clicked one of those “Really Scary!” banner ads by accident!
December 11th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Hey, Bolton’s version of Winter Wonderland is a free download at iTunes!
http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/FreeiTunesDownloads/~3/198777583/music-michael-bolton-walkin-in-winter.html
December 11th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
At the height of Bolton’s popularity (dare I say, Boltonmania?), I actually saw him perform at what was then the Cap Center, outside of D.C. I was there at the behest of the woman I was dating at the time (wait – I think I married her. Yeah, I definitely married her), and we sat up in the nosebleed seats, stage left – pretty far from having to bear the full brunt of the amplification, yet I could hear him louder than both the band and the screaming housewives in the floor seats.
Anyway, about midway through the show, Mr. Mullet (for he still had that nature-defying mullet back then) says, “My band has something they want to express to you,†and leaves the stage. For the next ten minutes or so, the crowd is treated the synthesized farts and WEE-twiddle-twiddle of his equally mulletted guitar player and the rest of his roughly 400-piece band.
I was coming back from the beer stand when the spotlight hit the middle of the floor seats, down in the crowd, and there stood Bolton, beginning his desecration of “Georgia on My Mind.†And. The. Crowd. Went. Fucking. Nuts. NUTS. It looked like a sea of the floor seat housewives were going to converge on his Boltonness and tear him limb from limb. Real Christians-versus-the-lions shit. Sadly – SO sadly – he was surrounded by a circle of beefy security guards (all wearing ear protection, naturally), who beat back the rushing crowd with billy clubs and cattle prods. And he walked to the stage, so smug, so obnoxiously sincere, so BOLTONY, caterwauling the entire way.
I think of that night when I hear him on the radio, or on my favorite blog – usually he’s butchering someone else’s material, as he was back then. And I want to claw my eardrums out of my head all over again.
Rob
EightE1
December 12th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
“My band has something they want to express to you.â€
Translation: I could really use a blowjob right about now.
December 14th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Concord Jazz, why hast thou forsaken me?
December 16th, 2007 at 5:06 am
Congrats Jason and Jeff… you’ve discovered the musical equivalent of the Chia-Pet! Ch-ch-ch-chia!
Anyway look on the bright side… it could have been Bolton croaking out “Jeremiah was a bullfrog…”
December 16th, 2007 at 10:07 am
I have to agree with Ray: this one sets the new standard for Godawful Christmas tunes. The arrangement is completely inappropriate, and Bolton is just the singer to over-cheese it. Anyone who gets this album as a gift has earned the right to put coal in the giver’s stocking for life.
December 24th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
i love this song and the overt cheese contained within…top notch
December 6th, 2008 at 7:43 am
[…] No, we didn’t do this one. Last year he was yelling at us. Now he’s just kind of whimpering […]