The Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas: Spray-On Tans And Colossal Jugs
Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:
Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes
Jason: Hey, real drums!
Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.
Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.
Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.
Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!
Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?
Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.
Jeff: Literally.
Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.
Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.
Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.
Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.
Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.
Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.
Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.
Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.
Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.
Jeff: Oh God!
Jason: OH FUCK.
Jeff: Children’s choir!!!
Jason: KIDS! FUCKING KIDS!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!
Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’
Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”
Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?
Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.
Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.
Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.
Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.
[youtube]mpnb6WxO_os[/youtube]
December 15th, 2007 at 10:31 am
That was truly, truly awful. You guys have reached a new low.
If someone needs to say “I believe” repeatedly, this is how you do it. I give you, “What I Believe” by Steve Martin, Saturday Night Live, May 17, 1980:
What I Believe.
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family – Mom and Dad and Grandma… and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things… that money can buy.
And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”… and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.
And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal… high enough so you can look up her dress.
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone… no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.
And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story, 1-bedroom apartment.
And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was – an arctic region covered with ice.
And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.
December 15th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I believe I’d like to take an AK-47 to everyone involved with the making of this holiday treat.
December 15th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract.
To be fair to Dolly on the inclusionary theology front, she has recorded with Yusuf Islam. I’m guessing that wasn’t him on the pedal steel here, though.
December 15th, 2007 at 11:12 am
“I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.”
– Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers
Jeff and Jason, I forgive you. But I shall never, ever forget.
Rob
EightE1
December 15th, 2007 at 11:20 am
As bad as this song is, the video is even worse. Why is Kenny wearing those white gloves? Was he afraid of actually touching the great unwashed on the set? And the children don’t look too happy either – those presents Kenny and Dolly are passing out were probably 8-tracks or cassettes of this album.
However, the video is almost redeemed by seeing Dolly’s festive jugs…oh excuse me, hooters… prominently displayed in her low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit. I kept hoping for a wardrobe malfunction.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
I believe I was really excited when I read: “Spray-On Tans And Colossal Jugs”!
I believe I was just totally screwed (and not in any good way, either)
December 16th, 2007 at 4:43 am
So far I’m digging this Mellowmas… good work Jason and Jeff! BTW since I was a little late to the party I went back through the archives and checked out last year’s “12 Days of Mellowmas” and got a perverse kick out of those too (well at least the 6 entries archived here anyway!). Anyway I was wondering if Jeff’s contributions to last year’s Mellowmas will be available for perusal once his new and improved blog is up and running… how about it?
Cheers!
December 16th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Curt: “And the children don’t look too happy either”
The one on Kenny’s lap is impatiently waiting for her turn to sing. Her face lights up once the children’s choir part starts.
The one on Dolly’s lap would rather be somewhere else. So would I if I had to put up with Dolly’s voice at close range.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:31 am
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