The Ninteenth Day Of Mellowmas: I’ll Be Home For Boonemas
Happy (or not-so-happy) Day 19 of Mellowmas! As some of you know, Jeff and I have an unfortunate habit of sending crappy music to each other. (See my previous posts reviewing Only In America and Metal Machine Music – this series, now known as Earmageddon, shall continue in the future with the Milli Vanilli Remix album Jeff sent to me last Spring.) While covering “You Light Up My Life” for an October CHART ATTACK!, I came across this album. Of course, I sent it immediately to Jeff.
Debby Boone – I’ll Be Home For Christmas (download or stream below)
From Home For Christmas Amazon iTunes
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Jeff: Ominous.
Jason: Nice string opening. Why do I feel like this has nothing to do with the shit we are about to hear?
Jeff: Why do I feel like I’m being punched in the eardrums by Lawrence Welk?
Jason: There she is! The Boonester! She lights up my tree!
Jeff: She sounds a little like Linda Ronstadt on those Nelson Riddle records, doesn’t she? She promises youuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Jason: She has a real musical theatre thing going on. Like, in her mind, she’s on a stage, walking sideways, facing the audience, and there are about 50 chorus girls behind her. Dressed like nuns.
Jeff: You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever listened to this song and felt like I was being threatened.
Jason: How do you mean?
Jeff: Like, she’ll be home for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.
Jason: Oh, I getcha.
Jeff: No matter where I go. She’ll be there. Don’t come home for Christmas, Debby. Also, tell your parents that it’s Debbie.
Jason: I don’t know. It’s not really that bad, to be honest. I think this had the potential to be much worse.
Jeff: It had the potential to have a tempo, too.
Jason: String solo! Take it, orchestra!
Jeff: …and the orchestra falls asleep.
Jason: I was hoping for a spoken-word part in the middle, like in “I’ve Never Been To Me.”
Jeff: Ha ha ha! Only if she lowered her voice and said “baby” a lot. “I’ll be home for Christmas, baby.”
Jason: “You know, everybody, it’s true. I will be home for Christmas. And you know who else will be home for Christmas? Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And I wish you all the best this holiday season. Unless you’re a Jew.”
Jeff: This is so goddamn slow. I feel like I’m dragging Debby Boone through the snow.
Jason: Meh, I don’t know, Jeff. It wasn’t really that offensive.
Jeff: It’s very bland.
Jason: When I sent you this entire album, I was hoping for something more torturous, I guess.
Jeff: Personally, I hate it. If you think it’s so good, I’ll be happy to send it to you. Twice, even.
Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t go overboard. But I sent you an entire album. Surely there’s something else on there that’s actually truly horrible. But I bet you can’t answer that question. Because YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO IT.
Jeff: Not even a little.
Jason: Goddammit!
Jeff: Goddamn you!
Jason: Do you know how many Christmas songs I’ve listened to this holiday season?
Jeff: Where’s my Milli Vanilli remix Earmageddon post?
Jason: Don’t change the subject. Do you know how many?
Jeff: Something like…600?
Jason: 980.
Jeff: That’s impressive. You’re like an elf.
Jason: And you can’t listen to like 10 tracks? You have let me down.
Jeff: That’s fine.
Jason: That’s fine?
Jeff: You go ahead and say that.
Jason: I just did!
Jeff: I know, and that’s fine.
Jason: I’m just saying.
Jeff: Have you listened to the whole Jim Nabors album? HAVE YOU?
Jason: Uhhhh….
Jeff: That’s what I thought. You dick.
Jason: Shit! I have it in my apartment, though.
Jeff: I have Debby in my office.
Jason: We had a Christmas party on Saturday, and I figured people would be rifling through the medicine cabinet, because that’s what they do, right? So I put the Jim Nabors album in the medicine cabinet.
Jeff: YES. Fuck the cabinet! You should have turned it on!
Jason: Ha! I figure anybody who went looking for my erectile dysfunction meds was in for an even bigger surprise. Nabors in the bathroom! BOOO-YA!
Jeff: I wish you had played it during the party. Mellowmas Mix ’07.
Jason: The bathroom would have sounded like it smelled.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
