The Ninteenth Day Of Mellowmas: I’ll Be Home For Boonemas
Happy (or not-so-happy) Day 19 of Mellowmas! As some of you know, Jeff and I have an unfortunate habit of sending crappy music to each other. (See my previous posts reviewing Only In America and Metal Machine Music – this series, now known as Earmageddon, shall continue in the future with the Milli Vanilli Remix album Jeff sent to me last Spring.) While covering “You Light Up My Life” for an October CHART ATTACK!, I came across this album. Of course, I sent it immediately to Jeff.
Debby Boone – I’ll Be Home For Christmas (download or stream below)
From Home For Christmas Amazon iTunes
Jeff: Ominous.
Jason: Nice string opening. Why do I feel like this has nothing to do with the shit we are about to hear?
Jeff: Why do I feel like I’m being punched in the eardrums by Lawrence Welk?
Jason: There she is! The Boonester! She lights up my tree!
Jeff: She sounds a little like Linda Ronstadt on those Nelson Riddle records, doesn’t she? She promises youuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Jason: She has a real musical theatre thing going on. Like, in her mind, she’s on a stage, walking sideways, facing the audience, and there are about 50 chorus girls behind her. Dressed like nuns.
Jeff: You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever listened to this song and felt like I was being threatened.
Jason: How do you mean?
Jeff: Like, she’ll be home for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.
Jason: Oh, I getcha.
Jeff: No matter where I go. She’ll be there. Don’t come home for Christmas, Debby. Also, tell your parents that it’s Debbie.
Jason: I don’t know. It’s not really that bad, to be honest. I think this had the potential to be much worse.
Jeff: It had the potential to have a tempo, too.
Jason: String solo! Take it, orchestra!
Jeff: …and the orchestra falls asleep.
Jason: I was hoping for a spoken-word part in the middle, like in “I’ve Never Been To Me.”
Jeff: Ha ha ha! Only if she lowered her voice and said “baby” a lot. “I’ll be home for Christmas, baby.”
Jason: “You know, everybody, it’s true. I will be home for Christmas. And you know who else will be home for Christmas? Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And I wish you all the best this holiday season. Unless you’re a Jew.”
Jeff: This is so goddamn slow. I feel like I’m dragging Debby Boone through the snow.
Jason: Meh, I don’t know, Jeff. It wasn’t really that offensive.
Jeff: It’s very bland.
Jason: When I sent you this entire album, I was hoping for something more torturous, I guess.
Jeff: Personally, I hate it. If you think it’s so good, I’ll be happy to send it to you. Twice, even.
Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t go overboard. But I sent you an entire album. Surely there’s something else on there that’s actually truly horrible. But I bet you can’t answer that question. Because YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO IT.
Jeff: Not even a little.
Jason: Goddammit!
Jeff: Goddamn you!
Jason: Do you know how many Christmas songs I’ve listened to this holiday season?
Jeff: Where’s my Milli Vanilli remix Earmageddon post?
Jason: Don’t change the subject. Do you know how many?
Jeff: Something like…600?
Jason: 980.
Jeff: That’s impressive. You’re like an elf.
Jason: And you can’t listen to like 10 tracks? You have let me down.
Jeff: That’s fine.
Jason: That’s fine?
Jeff: You go ahead and say that.
Jason: I just did!
Jeff: I know, and that’s fine.
Jason: I’m just saying.
Jeff: Have you listened to the whole Jim Nabors album? HAVE YOU?
Jason: Uhhhh….
Jeff: That’s what I thought. You dick.
Jason: Shit! I have it in my apartment, though.
Jeff: I have Debby in my office.
Jason: We had a Christmas party on Saturday, and I figured people would be rifling through the medicine cabinet, because that’s what they do, right? So I put the Jim Nabors album in the medicine cabinet.
Jeff: YES. Fuck the cabinet! You should have turned it on!
Jason: Ha! I figure anybody who went looking for my erectile dysfunction meds was in for an even bigger surprise. Nabors in the bathroom! BOOO-YA!
Jeff: I wish you had played it during the party. Mellowmas Mix ’07.
Jason: The bathroom would have sounded like it smelled.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
December 19th, 2007 at 10:09 am
980 Xmas songs Jason? And you’re still alive? I would have killed myself long before I reached song 100.
December 19th, 2007 at 10:43 am
I hit “play” and surfed to a couple of news stories. I only noticed the song when it ended and I no longer had white noise in the background.
Which means it’s not *that* bad. Just doesn’t make much of an impression.
I heard a horrible Mellowmas nominee yesterday on XM — Michael W. Smith’s “Gloria.” (Not the U2 song, or the Van Morrison song, obviously.) MWS should consider himself lucky that God doesn’t meddle in trivial matters, or surely a lightning bolt would’ve incapacitated him and any recording instrument within 20 miles.
December 19th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Jeff has the entire Michael W. Smith album. I’m pretty sure I deleted it completely from my holiday collection.
December 19th, 2007 at 11:22 am
I have the first one. I’m pretty sure he’s done more than one, just like his old partner in crime, Amy Grant. And speaking of awful things related to Vince Gill, just wait until you poor saps see the YouTube video Jason has waiting for you in a few days. Oh man, oh man.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Not many comments yet today. Hmmm. Maybe it’s because anyone who made it through this piece of sludge is currently in a coma. I turned if off after just 25 seconds, and had to take a 90 minute nap.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
And Jason, at your next party, put a sign inside your medicine cabinet that reads “If you tell me you saw this sign, I’ll give you $20. Jason”
December 19th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Jeff: I have Debby in my office.
You know, that picture of her is ‘kinda kute’. I don’t think I’d mind having Debbie in my office…
December 19th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Um, Jason, why are you keeping Jim Nabors next to your ED drugs? I worry about you, man.
As for the song, I’m with Beau — pretty nondescript. Doesn’t puke egg nog all over you, like Bolton or Mike Love. It’s just … there. I suppose we should be happy for the respite, considering whatever YouTube evil Jason has in store for us later. We can only hope it has nothing to do with his Viagra/Jim Nabors cocktail.
Rob
EightE1
December 19th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
“Debby Boone’s acting career includes playing Rizzo in the Broadway production of Grease…Her husband, Gabriel Ferrer, is the son of popular film stars Rosemary Clooney and Jose Ferrer.” (AMG)
So Debby Boone is related to George Clooney and Miguel Ferrer. And is, of course, the archetypal Rizzo. What fresh hell is this?
December 19th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Rizzo? She played RIZZO??
“Oh no! It broke!”
“That’s OK, Kenicke. We shouldn’t be doing that anyway. Let’s just hold hands and listen to my dad’s sanitized versions of today’s popular songs.”
December 19th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
“Hey! (blank)! I’m Sandra Dee!”
December 20th, 2007 at 7:47 am
I have to agree that Debby didn’t butcher this song (and neither did the arranger), but that’s only because the song came pre-butchered. The reason I don’t hate this song as much as I hate Rudolph is because I haven’t been overexposed to this song, which is sappier than a maple tree in April.
December 20th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Not to belabor the point, but I’d totally plow Boone’s farm.
December 22nd, 2007 at 5:13 am
Meanwhile Debby Boone and Cliff Richard are putting presents ON their trees as we speak…