The Twenty-Second Day Of Mellowmas: A Very Keith Sweatmas

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As we reach our 22nd day of Mellowmas terror, you can tell we’re starting to go a little crazy. But we’re doing it all for you, so don’t give up just yet!

Keith Sweat – Be Your Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From A Christmas Of Love Amazon iTunes

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Jason: Aw, how quaint.

Jeff: Ha! Fake crackling!

Jason: Vintage vinyl sounds.

Jeff: Vinyl never sounded like this.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. “I’ll take some old vinyl sounds, then surround it with completely modern production techniques.”

Jeff: This is what’s playing at Smoove B’s house on Christmas Eve. I want to be your Santa Claus, girl. I will lay you down. I will put my coal in your stocking.

Jason: Where did you get this? This is not in my library.

Jeff: I’m reviewing it. Rhino just released it.

Jason: Oh, this is new! That makes sense.

Jeff: Jason, none of this makes sense.

Jason: It sounds new. Who cares about Keith Sweat, though? And did they just riff on “ho ho?”

Jeff: I want to be the first gift you open tonight / Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Now baby, take your time / Unwrap me slow

Jason: Keith Sweat wants to be R. Kelly, doesn’t he?

Jeff: I love this song.

Jason: Seriously, or ironically?

Jeff: This is my favorite song.

Jason: Okay, nevermind. I know the answer. More jingle bells.

Jeff: Jingle my bells, girl.

Jason: What does he mean by “I wanna be your Santa Claus?”

Jeff: I know we have had words recently. But I want you to know that you are the one for me.

Jason: Does he mean, “I want to be white, bearded and fat, and have young children sit on my lap?”

Jeff: I promise never to call you that again, baby. Please just let me slide down your chimney.

Jason: You’re so far gone. You’re not listening to me. You are totally in Keith Sweat mode. Don’t stop. I’m enjoying this.

Jeff: I’m in the zone.

Jason: Keep going.

Jeff: Keith Sweat is my Santa Claus.

Jason: I’m just going to sit back and let you mack.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Mack, Jeff. Mack.

Jeff: Girl, I have made a list. I have checked it twice.

Jason: mmmph

Jeff: And I have decided that I want to be your Santa Claus. Tell me what you want, girl. I got it.

Jason: Tell her what else, Jefito Dogg!

Jeff: Right here in my sack.

Jason: Stuff her stocking!

Jeff: Long jingle bell fadeout — just like Kate Bush!

Jason: Fa la la her la!

Jeff: Deck her halls! Oh, wait! Don’t deck her, Keith!

Jason: That’d really be R. Kelly then, wouldn’t it? Actually, I don’t know. R. Kelly may not be an abuser. I mean, he’s an abuser of taste. But that’s not the same thing.

Jeff: I think he’d be more like “(I Know You Want a) Golden Shower for Christmas”

Jason: Oh man. I can’t believe you went there. I should have stopped you three minutes ago.

Jeff: Someone should have stopped Keith Sweat 15 years ago.

Jason: Your pants are around your ankles, aren’t they.

Jeff: Never mind my pants, girl.

Jason: Your poor wife is hiding in the closet with the kids, isn’t she. Your wife is trapped in the closet!

Jeff: My wife walked in during this song and didn’t even blink an eye.

Jason: Which says so much about her, but even more about you.

Jeff: I know, right? I’m filled with shame all of a sudden.

Jason: The song ended like three minutes ago, but I feel like you could go on macking straight through ’til New Year’s.

Jeff: My Bullz-Eye review for this album will be nothing but reheated Smoove B lines.

Jason: Yes! Please! That’d be so awesome.

Jeff: Wait until you see the album cover.

Jason: Oh, no.

Jeff: Well, it’s better than the Christopher Cross. But the look on his face is hilarious.

keithsweat.jpg

Jason: That’s what Keith Sweat looks like? I had no idea! And by “no idea,” I mean “no care!”

Jeff: Ha! What did you think he looked like, Jeffrey Osborne? Peabo Bryson? Luther?

Jason: He looks like he just farted, but nobody knows it yet.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason: Pretty soon, girl.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: You’re getting a special Christmas present from Keith Sweat. (‘Cause in my mind, Keith Sweat always refers to himself in the third person.)

Jeff: I think he released this independently last year, as A Keith Sweat Christmas. So yeah, I bet he does.

Jason: Forget the mistletoe and wine, girl.

Jeff: Forget about Rudolph, girl. Keith Sweat has a new red-nosed reindeer waiting to meet you.

Jason: Ha! I bet he gives gifts and is like, “Happy Keith Sweatmas.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Ha! We wish you a Keith Sweatmas!

Jeff: There’s a song on this record called “Under the Tree.”

Jason: Have you heard it?

Jeff: I don’t know. I kind of scanned through a few of the songs, until I realized there was no point.

Jason: I’m betting it sounds EXACTLY like this one.

Jeff: Yeah, I think the whole thing sounds like this.

Jason: Well, let’s not do like we did with Cross and listen to any others, okay? Unless you feel like you still have some macking left in you.

Jeff: Please. No. Let us be done with this.

Jason: You sure?

Jeff: One hundred percent.

Jason: Fair enough! Happy Keith Sweatmas to all! And to all a Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come! (All over your back!)

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Why you cryin’, girl?

Jason: Deck the halls with balls of Keith Sweat! Fa la la la la, la la Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Do you Keith what I Sweat?

Jason: On the first day of Keith Sweatmas, my Keith Sweat gave to me…Keith Sweat. Every line would end with “Keith Sweat.”

Jeff: Send him an e-mail. Suggest that. “The Twelve Days of Keith Sweat.” I’ll be Keith for Sweatmas!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Suddenly, it’s perverted role playing. “I’ll Be Keith For Sweatmas” has got me cracking up.

Jeff: I’m still cracking up over Keith Sweat coming on her back. Supaman that ho!

Jason: Our readers, meanwhile, have left the building. Possibly through an eighth-story window. Oh well, it was worth it.

Read Jeff’s phenomenal review of this CD at Bullz-Eye.

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  • Dw. Dunphy

    Come on, baby – can’t you feel the Christmas joy
    Now put some lovin’ on your boy
    Deck the halls, hang the balls, make some…

    Christmas tea, with a hot steamin’ teabag
    Christmas tea, for you and me
    You ain’t no auntie so take off those panties and
    Let me give you Christmas Tea

  • Old Davy

    It’s a nice sentiment and all, but I would NEVER want to be anyone’s Santa Claus because, as we all know, Santa only comes ONCE a year.

  • EightE1

    Why do I keep expecting to hear Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg chime in with “Dick in a Box?” Maybe Justin, Andy, and Keith can do one of those mash-up remixes …

    Rob
    EightE1

  • http://mostlymodernmusic.blogspot.com Beau

    I think Old Davy nailed it, so to speak.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net Dave Lifton

    Apparently Keith Sweat got an AutoTune for Sweatmas.

  • http://nhmehta.blogspot.com Neel Mehta

    I’m still laughing. This is your best installment yet.

  • Eric Lund

    Keith is just a Smoove B wannabe. The real Smoove B would have more taste than this.

  • Dw. Dunphy

    The word describing Sweat’s facial expression finally dawned on me.

    S M A R M Y.

  • http://home.comcast.net/~rsbrandt Richard Brandt

    I did not live before I found this site.

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/ Robert

    This album came out in ’07, right? The melody reminds me a bit of OutKast’s “Happy Valentine’s Day,” from “The Love Below.”

  • Ray

    Jason: He looks like he just farted, but nobody knows it yet

    Hmmmmm maybe it’s a Silent But Deadly! Speaking of which, if you’re REALLY into train-wreck TV, be sure to check out “Crowned… The Mother of All Pageants”. This is a turkey of epic proportions, with mother/daughter teams living in a gaudy reality-tv house and competing against each other in a beauty pageant, with one pair eliminated each week and being “de-sashed” (getting their sashes cut off with “The Giant Scissors that hooked up with the Bedazzler”!). Seriously, the first challenge had the contestants giving themselves a name and making a good first impression on the judges (including QE’s Carson Kressley), and believe it or not, one pair actually named themselves “Silent But Deadly” apparently unaware of what that phrase REALLY meant!

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com Robert

    I’m listening to “A Christmas of Love” right now. I thought it’d be downhill right after “Be Your Santa Claus,” but it’s still going somewhat strong at track 3!

    Oops, spoke too soon — track 4, the Sweaty version of Mel Torme’s “The Christmas Song,” isn’t very good.

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