As we reach our 22nd day of Mellowmas terror, you can tell we’re starting to go a little crazy. But we’re doing it all for you, so don’t give up just yet!

Keith Sweat – Be Your Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From A Christmas Of Love Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Keith Sweat – Be Your Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Aw, how quaint.

Jeff: Ha! Fake crackling!

Jason: Vintage vinyl sounds.

Jeff: Vinyl never sounded like this.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. “I’ll take some old vinyl sounds, then surround it with completely modern production techniques.”

Jeff: This is what’s playing at Smoove B’s house on Christmas Eve. I want to be your Santa Claus, girl. I will lay you down. I will put my coal in your stocking.

Jason: Where did you get this? This is not in my library.

Jeff: I’m reviewing it. Rhino just released it.

Jason: Oh, this is new! That makes sense.

Jeff: Jason, none of this makes sense.

Jason: It sounds new. Who cares about Keith Sweat, though? And did they just riff on “ho ho?”

Jeff: I want to be the first gift you open tonight / Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Now baby, take your time / Unwrap me slow

Jason: Keith Sweat wants to be R. Kelly, doesn’t he?

Jeff: I love this song.

Jason: Seriously, or ironically?

Jeff: This is my favorite song.

Jason: Okay, nevermind. I know the answer. More jingle bells.

Jeff: Jingle my bells, girl.

Jason: What does he mean by “I wanna be your Santa Claus?”

Jeff: I know we have had words recently. But I want you to know that you are the one for me.

Jason: Does he mean, “I want to be white, bearded and fat, and have young children sit on my lap?”

Jeff: I promise never to call you that again, baby. Please just let me slide down your chimney.

Jason: You’re so far gone. You’re not listening to me. You are totally in Keith Sweat mode. Don’t stop. I’m enjoying this.

Jeff: I’m in the zone.

Jason: Keep going.

Jeff: Keith Sweat is my Santa Claus.

Jason: I’m just going to sit back and let you mack.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Mack, Jeff. Mack.

Jeff: Girl, I have made a list. I have checked it twice.

Jason: mmmph

Jeff: And I have decided that I want to be your Santa Claus. Tell me what you want, girl. I got it.

Jason: Tell her what else, Jefito Dogg!

Jeff: Right here in my sack.

Jason: Stuff her stocking!

Jeff: Long jingle bell fadeout — just like Kate Bush!

Jason: Fa la la her la!

Jeff: Deck her halls! Oh, wait! Don’t deck her, Keith!

Jason: That’d really be R. Kelly then, wouldn’t it? Actually, I don’t know. R. Kelly may not be an abuser. I mean, he’s an abuser of taste. But that’s not the same thing.

Jeff: I think he’d be more like “(I Know You Want a) Golden Shower for Christmas”

Jason: Oh man. I can’t believe you went there. I should have stopped you three minutes ago.

Jeff: Someone should have stopped Keith Sweat 15 years ago.

Jason: Your pants are around your ankles, aren’t they.

Jeff: Never mind my pants, girl.

Jason: Your poor wife is hiding in the closet with the kids, isn’t she. Your wife is trapped in the closet!

Jeff: My wife walked in during this song and didn’t even blink an eye.

Jason: Which says so much about her, but even more about you.

Jeff: I know, right? I’m filled with shame all of a sudden.

Jason: The song ended like three minutes ago, but I feel like you could go on macking straight through ’til New Year’s.

Jeff: My Bullz-Eye review for this album will be nothing but reheated Smoove B lines.

Jason: Yes! Please! That’d be so awesome.

Jeff: Wait until you see the album cover.

Jason: Oh, no.

Jeff: Well, it’s better than the Christopher Cross. But the look on his face is hilarious.

Jason: That’s what Keith Sweat looks like? I had no idea! And by “no idea,” I mean “no care!”

Jeff: Ha! What did you think he looked like, Jeffrey Osborne? Peabo Bryson? Luther?

Jason: He looks like he just farted, but nobody knows it yet.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason: Pretty soon, girl.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: You’re getting a special Christmas present from Keith Sweat. (‘Cause in my mind, Keith Sweat always refers to himself in the third person.)

Jeff: I think he released this independently last year, as A Keith Sweat Christmas. So yeah, I bet he does.

Jason: Forget the mistletoe and wine, girl.

Jeff: Forget about Rudolph, girl. Keith Sweat has a new red-nosed reindeer waiting to meet you.

Jason: Ha! I bet he gives gifts and is like, “Happy Keith Sweatmas.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Ha! We wish you a Keith Sweatmas!

Jeff: There’s a song on this record called “Under the Tree.”

Jason: Have you heard it?

Jeff: I don’t know. I kind of scanned through a few of the songs, until I realized there was no point.

Jason: I’m betting it sounds EXACTLY like this one.

Jeff: Yeah, I think the whole thing sounds like this.

Jason: Well, let’s not do like we did with Cross and listen to any others, okay? Unless you feel like you still have some macking left in you.

Jeff: Please. No. Let us be done with this.

Jason: You sure?

Jeff: One hundred percent.

Jason: Fair enough! Happy Keith Sweatmas to all! And to all a Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come! (All over your back!)

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Why you cryin’, girl?

Jason: Deck the halls with balls of Keith Sweat! Fa la la la la, la la Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Do you Keith what I Sweat?

Jason: On the first day of Keith Sweatmas, my Keith Sweat gave to me…Keith Sweat. Every line would end with “Keith Sweat.”

Jeff: Send him an e-mail. Suggest that. “The Twelve Days of Keith Sweat.” I’ll be Keith for Sweatmas!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Suddenly, it’s perverted role playing. “I’ll Be Keith For Sweatmas” has got me cracking up.

Jeff: I’m still cracking up over Keith Sweat coming on her back. Supaman that ho!

Jason: Our readers, meanwhile, have left the building. Possibly through an eighth-story window. Oh well, it was worth it.

Read Jeff’s phenomenal review of this CD at Bullz-Eye.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 am and is filed under Downloads, mellowmas, music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.