As we reach our 22nd day of Mellowmas terror, you can tell we’re starting to go a little crazy. But we’re doing it all for you, so don’t give up just yet!
Jason: Aw, how quaint.
Jeff: Ha! Fake crackling!
Jason: Vintage vinyl sounds.
Jeff: Vinyl never sounded like this.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. “I’ll take some old vinyl sounds, then surround it with completely modern production techniques.”
Jeff: This is what’s playing at Smoove B’s house on Christmas Eve. I want to be your Santa Claus, girl. I will lay you down. I will put my coal in your stocking.
Jason: Where did you get this? This is not in my library.
Jeff: I’m reviewing it. Rhino just released it.
Jason: Oh, this is new! That makes sense.
Jeff: Jason, none of this makes sense.
Jason: It sounds new. Who cares about Keith Sweat, though? And did they just riff on “ho ho?”
Jeff: I want to be the first gift you open tonight / Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Now baby, take your time / Unwrap me slow
Jason: Keith Sweat wants to be R. Kelly, doesn’t he?
Jeff: I love this song.
Jason: Seriously, or ironically?
Jeff: This is my favorite song.
Jason: Okay, nevermind. I know the answer. More jingle bells.
Jeff: Jingle my bells, girl.
Jason: What does he mean by “I wanna be your Santa Claus?”
Jeff: I know we have had words recently. But I want you to know that you are the one for me.
Jason: Does he mean, “I want to be white, bearded and fat, and have young children sit on my lap?”
Jeff: I promise never to call you that again, baby. Please just let me slide down your chimney.
Jason: You’re so far gone. You’re not listening to me. You are totally in Keith Sweat mode. Don’t stop. I’m enjoying this.
Jeff: I’m in the zone.
Jason: Keep going.
Jeff: Keith Sweat is my Santa Claus.
Jason: I’m just going to sit back and let you mack.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Mack, Jeff. Mack.
Jeff: Girl, I have made a list. I have checked it twice.
Jeff: And I have decided that I want to be your Santa Claus. Tell me what you want, girl. I got it.
Jason: Tell her what else, Jefito Dogg!
Jeff: Right here in my sack.
Jason: Stuff her stocking!
Jeff: Long jingle bell fadeout — just like Kate Bush!
Jason: Fa la la her la!
Jeff: Deck her halls! Oh, wait! Don’t deck her, Keith!
Jason: That’d really be R. Kelly then, wouldn’t it? Actually, I don’t know. R. Kelly may not be an abuser. I mean, he’s an abuser of taste. But that’s not the same thing.
Jeff: I think he’d be more like “(I Know You Want a) Golden Shower for Christmas”
Jason: Oh man. I can’t believe you went there. I should have stopped you three minutes ago.
Jeff: Someone should have stopped Keith Sweat 15 years ago.
Jason: Your pants are around your ankles, aren’t they.
Jeff: Never mind my pants, girl.
Jason: Your poor wife is hiding in the closet with the kids, isn’t she. Your wife is trapped in the closet!
Jeff: My wife walked in during this song and didn’t even blink an eye.
Jason: Which says so much about her, but even more about you.
Jeff: I know, right? I’m filled with shame all of a sudden.
Jason: The song ended like three minutes ago, but I feel like you could go on macking straight through ’til New Year’s.
Jeff: My Bullz-Eye review for this album will be nothing but reheated Smoove B lines.
Jason: Yes! Please! That’d be so awesome.
Jeff: Wait until you see the album cover.
Jason: Oh, no.
Jeff: Well, it’s better than the Christopher Cross. But the look on his face is hilarious.
Jason: That’s what Keith Sweat looks like? I had no idea! And by “no idea,” I mean “no care!”
Jeff: Ha! What did you think he looked like, Jeffrey Osborne? Peabo Bryson? Luther?
Jason: He looks like he just farted, but nobody knows it yet.
Jason: Pretty soon, girl.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: You’re getting a special Christmas present from Keith Sweat. (‘Cause in my mind, Keith Sweat always refers to himself in the third person.)
Jeff: I think he released this independently last year, as A Keith Sweat Christmas. So yeah, I bet he does.
Jason: Forget the mistletoe and wine, girl.
Jeff: Forget about Rudolph, girl. Keith Sweat has a new red-nosed reindeer waiting to meet you.
Jason: Ha! I bet he gives gifts and is like, “Happy Keith Sweatmas.”
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Ha! We wish you a Keith Sweatmas!
Jeff: There’s a song on this record called “Under the Tree.”
Jason: Have you heard it?
Jeff: I don’t know. I kind of scanned through a few of the songs, until I realized there was no point.
Jason: I’m betting it sounds EXACTLY like this one.
Jeff: Yeah, I think the whole thing sounds like this.
Jason: Well, let’s not do like we did with Cross and listen to any others, okay? Unless you feel like you still have some macking left in you.
Jeff: Please. No. Let us be done with this.
Jason: You sure?
Jeff: One hundred percent.
Jason: Fair enough! Happy Keith Sweatmas to all! And to all a Keith Sweat!
Jeff: Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come! (All over your back!)
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Why you cryin’, girl?
Jason: Deck the halls with balls of Keith Sweat! Fa la la la la, la la Keith Sweat!
Jeff: Do you Keith what I Sweat?
Jason: On the first day of Keith Sweatmas, my Keith Sweat gave to me…Keith Sweat. Every line would end with “Keith Sweat.”
Jeff: Send him an e-mail. Suggest that. “The Twelve Days of Keith Sweat.” I’ll be Keith for Sweatmas!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Suddenly, it’s perverted role playing. “I’ll Be Keith For Sweatmas” has got me cracking up.
Jeff: I’m still cracking up over Keith Sweat coming on her back. Supaman that ho!
Jason: Our readers, meanwhile, have left the building. Possibly through an eighth-story window. Oh well, it was worth it.
Read Jeff’s phenomenal review of this CD at Bullz-Eye.