We’re so close to the holiday, dear readers! We’re really starting to feel that ol’ Christmas spirit…and then this came along.
Olivia Newton-John featuring Michael McDonald – All Through The Night (download or stream below)
Jason: Just so you know, Jeff, I found out about this song through Todd, one of our readers.
Jeff: Where can I find Todd? I want to punch him.
Jason: Dude, we’re 10 seconds in and McD is not here yet. This is not right.
Jeff: HURRY, MCD! This is my Christmas wish!
Jason: This is worse than waiting for Santa! And both have the same trouble fitting down the chimney!
Jeff: Hurry the fuck up, you fat bastard! I’m getting sleepy. And nauseous.
Jason: This year, I’m leaving cookies for McD. Hey, there he is! Sing it, McD!
Jeff: You know what? I didn’t think this was possible, but Olivia Newton-John actually makes Michael McDonald suck. This is gross.
Jason: Their voices don’t blend very well, do they? I mean, it doesn’t matter. All I hear is McD.
Jeff: Like, I keep hoping this recording will be interrupted by a drive-by shooting at the studio.
Jason: With our luck, they’d accidentally shoot the douchebag on clarinet. I’ve heard a few other ONJ holiday songs this year. None of them are good.
Jeff: She’s humming. I wonder if she has his balls in her mouth.
Jason: How much you wanna bet McD got a handjob during this song?
Jeff: Take it, Mike! There he is.
Jason: “Christmas time is so appealing all through the night.” That doesn’t even make sense. I just don’t know what to think of this.
Jeff: You don’t? I have a few pointers. 1. It sucks. 2. It sucks. 3. It sucks.
Jason: And 4?
Jeff: 4. All of the above.
Jason: I’m guessing ONJ figured this was a Christmas lullaby. It has lulled me to suicide.
Jeff: Lullabies aren’t supposed to give you nightmares, are they?
Jason: I don’t think McD sucked, though. I mean, he did the best he could with what he was given.
Jeff: Why did Todd have this? I mean, we’re professionals. We’re supposed to have this crap. But what’s Todd’s problem?
Jason: Well, actually, Todd didn’t send it to me – he pointed me towards a blog that was featuring the song. (I’m protecting you, Todd!)
Jeff: Dude, McD sounded like a tool through 90% of that song.
Jason: It wasn’t his best work. You’re right on that one. There’s only one thing to do tomorrow, then.
Jeff: Delete it from our hard drives?
Jason: We must listen to more McD for Mellowmas. He has to redeem himself.
Jeff: Oh, right. That. I guess we owe him that. Or he owes us.
Jason: Yes. I have faith in you, McD!
Jeff: Me too! I guess!
Jason: I believe in Michael McDonald, Jeff.
Jeff: You know what they say. What a fool believes…
Jason: Tell you what. Let’s leave some cookies on the table for him. Some big fucking cookies.
Jeff: I’m going to leave a turd on the table for Olivia Newton-John.
Jason: We’ll leave those, and some milk. Some whole milk. None of this 2% crap.
Jeff: No, fuck 2%.
Jason: Actually, no. Fuck milk. Heavy cream. We’re leaving him big-ass cookies and a pitcher of heavy cream.
Jeff: Ha! Cookies and heavy cream!
Jason: I’m pretty sure he drinks a pitcher of heavy cream before he sings, anyway.
Jeff: He’ll need an extra team of reindeer to get back home!
Jason: And we’ll leave a carrot for him. Like, just as a joke.
Jeff: I think he has a chalupa-eating contest with Christopher Cross before he sings.
Jason: We’re totally ignoring the fact that McD lost all the weight, but I don’t care. Do you?
Jeff: Is it still gone? I have no idea. If so, good for you, McD.
Jason: I think so. I don’t know. I haven’t sat outside his house in a while. I mean, what?
Jeff: Way to resist the temptation to spend all that calling-card-commercial money on donuts! Say, when is Motown Three coming out, you fucking sellout?
Jason: Jeff! Stop!
Jeff: Oh, right.
Jason: He’s going to redeem himself tomorrow. I can feel it.
Jeff: No wise man has the power…
Jason: You’ll see.
Will McD redeem himself? Will he save this god-awful holiday? Only one way to find out: meet us back here tomorrow for Mellowmas Eve!