Mellowmas Eve: The Redemption Of The McD
Our Twenty-Third Day Of Mellowmas left us depressed, restless and unsatisfied – which, to be honest, wasn’t much different from the other twenty-two days. But yesterday was different. Michael McDonald – The Patron Saint Of Mellow Gold – had let us down. It’s Mellowmas Eve, and excitement is in the air: can he turn it around? Can we go to sleep tonight dreaming of sugarplum fairies instead of McD eating jelly donuts and phoning in vocals with Olivia Newton-John? Only one way to find out!
Michael McDonald: Christmas On The Bayou (download or stream below)
From Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon
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Jeff: This is Christmas?
Jason: Drums!
Jeff: Fiddles!
Jason: ….down south? What the hell is going on? AAAUGH!!! What the hell IS this??
Jeff: McD has been possessed by the spirit of Bouzou Chavis!
Jason: I wish you could see my face right now. It’s all contorted. I’m going to get a headache from this.
Jeff: Is it a face of stunned, stupid shock?
Jason: Jeff, what’s going on? I’m scared. Hold me.
Jeff: When I hear “Michael McDonald Christmas album,” this is not what I think of. I mean, I’m thankful for the lack of synthesizers, don’t get me wrong.
Jason: This is NOT the McD I was banking on, Jeff! What is up with the “Ya Ya Ya Ya?” He sounds like Animal.
Jeff: Maybe he’s calling Ya, so Ya Mo B There.
Jason: slams head on desk
Jeff: Yeah. You know you liked that one. Suck it.
Jason: If he says “ya” one more time, I’m…I’m… I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Jeff: Gonna Ya Mo burn this place down?
Jason: AUGH! He did it again! Jeff, I don’t know if I can get through this.
Jeff: We’re only about halfway through. Get down yo’ fiddle!
Jason: I don’t even know what the fuck he just SAID.
Jeff: We gonna dance and sing!
Jason: NO!
Jeff: All the way to Mardi Gras!
Jason: Ya, Big Easy!
Jeff: Ya Ya Big Easy!
Jason: Ya ya ya! Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya. I GET it.
Jeff: Long before Mardi Gras! I feel like making moonshine for some reason. And eating crawfish.
Jason: I feel like drinking gasoline for some reason.
Jeff: Lay zay long go mong boulay?
Jason: Suck my dick, Jeff. This sucks. Get me something else.
Jeff: Hmm.
Jason: What was the first song you suggested we cover?
Jeff: “Through the Many Winters”?
Jason: Cue that one up. He has to redeem himself, goddammit.
Jeff: All right.
Michael McDonald – Through The Many Winters (download or stream below)
Also from Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon
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Jeff: This sounds more like the McD I was expecting.
Jason: Okay, promising opening.
Jeff: Minus that Stevie Wonder impersonator on the harmonica.
Jason: Some harmonica that could or could not be real harmonica. Although I think it is. Hey, it’s whispering McD! He doesn’t want to wake up the sleeping children! He sounds like it was mastered at the wrong speed.
Jeff: That’s exactly what it sounds like, actually. And he sounds so sad. Why are you so sad, McD? Did Christopher Cross eat all the chalupas?
Jason: snicker (No, not Snickers, McD! Snicker!)
Jeff: You should remix this at double speed.
Jason: Tasteful piano.
Jeff: Tasteful everything.
Jason: I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, but I can kind of get behind this slow Christmas groove.
Jeff: So fucking tasteful. Gawwwwwwwwwwwd.
Jason: I’m kind of grooving in my chair.
Jeff: I’m getting angry, and I don’t know why. I want him to hurry up and go somewhere with this.
Jason: Is it because we’re at the twenty-fourth day of Mellowmas?
Jeff: It’s because this song is boring.
Jason: Well, I’m sure it’s almost over. Let me see…
Jeff: No, it just started.
Jason: JEFF! WHAT THE FUCK!
Jeff: I know!
Jason: This song has like 4:45 left! Can’t do it. Can’t do it. I’m sorry.
Jeff: No. Me too.
Jason: He has to redeem himself and this isn’t cutting it. Let me quickly scan the list of songs. “Wexford Carol?” I don’t even know what the hell that means. But it sounds like it belongs on the Fogelberg record.
Jeff: Are you reading the phone book? Who is Carol Wexford?
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Which is funny, because I always said I’d listen to McD reading the phone book. How awesome would it be, though, if the song was just McD, reading names?
Jeff: Can we please pick something? Because I hate this.
Jason: Okay. “Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells.” That has to be an improvement.
Jeff: Better than this, that’s for sure. And appropriate, because I want to deck him.
Michael McDonald – Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells (download or stream below)
Yet again from Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon
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Jason: Oh YES!
Jeff: Now this is more like it.
Jason: This is what I was talking about!
Jeff: A tempo.
Jason: McD is Arisen! Ooh, listen to those Fa la la las! YES, McD! YES!
Jeff: He still sounds kind of sleepy and/or drunk.
Jason: Fall on your knees! O hear the McD’s vocal!
Jeff: This was totally done in one take.
Jason: Oh yes. I agree.
Jeff: McD was probably in the parking lot.
Jason: Ha! He’s fa la laing all over the fucking place, Jeff. And I couldn’t be happier. I feel like doing the Snoopy dance on the piano.
Jeff: You know, it bears mentioning that this album was released by Hallmark.
Jason: !!! Jingle Bells! It’s a medley! YES! I love you, McD! Todd, you are forgiven! Barely!
Jeff: I ain’t forgiving you, Todd.
Jason: He’s back to decking those fucking halls.
Jeff: I’m forgiving McD barely.
Jason: Sing we joyous, all together! YES!
Jeff: You, Todd, are still on my shit list.
Jason: I’m not typing anymore. I’m clapping.
Jeff: Guitar solo!
Jason: Great piano. Great guitar. He’s going up the octave!
Jeff: Great drums, actually.
Jason: Watch the fuck OUT! Fa la la LA, McD!
Jeff: I’ve learned to take my live drums where I can get them on McD recordings. This is kind of funky.
Jason: Stop thinking so hard, Jeff. Just enjoy this.
Jeff: I do not hate it. Big finish! Jazz hands!
Jason: Fosse! We totally deserved this.
Jeff: Oh, we worked for it.
Jason: We sat through three shitty McD tunes to get to where we are today. I’m so happy.
Jeff: He has re-earned his Patron Saint status.
Jason: It’s like we finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel, y’know? Tito, get me some tissue!
Jeff: Jermaine, stop teasing!
Jason: Mr. Michael McDonald, you are forgiven. I have forgiven all your trespasses.
Jeff: For now.
Jason: Namely “Through The Many Winters,” “Christmas On The Bayou,” that shitty song with Olivia Newton-John…
Jeff: Most of your solo albums,
Jason: and what the hell, I’ll throw some of that shit from Blue Obsession on there as well. I’m breathing a huge sigh of relief.
Jeff: How about the “Sweet Freedom” video? Is he forgiven for that?
Jason: No. I LOVE that video. Don’t you even, Jeff. Don’t you even. McD. Hines. Crystal. CLASSIC.
Jeff: You…you have problems.
Jason: I can’t hear you right now. I have my fingers in my ears. FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
And, as a very special Mellowmas Eve bouns – because you can’t make this shit up – Michael McDonald, Amy Grant, Vince Gill and Chet Atkins (!!) singing “The Chipmunk Song.” (Jeff: “Look at those mom jeans! He looks like he’s hiding a sack of potatoes in his crotch!”)
Happy Mellowmas Eve, everybody! Snuggle up tight in your beds, and join us tomorrow morning for Mellowmas Day!
