The Final Day of Mellowmas: Wonderful Christmas Hell

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Happy Mellowmas, everyone!

Today, we celebrate many, many things. We celebrate Christmas, but we also celebrate the official Final Day Of Mellowmas 2007. We celebrate the fact that you made it through. We celebrate the fact that we made it through. Forgive us, but we’re getting a little teary-eyed here. Oh, Mellowmas, why do you have to end?

We don’t have anything as magical as last year’s complete presentation of Starland Vocal Band: Christmas At Home. (However, all those tracks are still active, should you want to re-live such a “special” moment.) What we do have for today is something that truly celebrates the Mellowmas spirit.

And what is the Mellowmas spirit, you might ask? Well, chances are you pretty much know by now, but in case you’re not sure, we’ll tell you. The Mellowmas spirit is taking awful, awful holiday music and sharing it with the ones you truly care about. Taking the misery you’ve received – from the ringing in your ears to the indigestion in your gut – and making sure someone else is feeling the exact same way.

Today, we truly exploit someone’s hatred of a song.

“Wonderful Christmastime.” Paul McCartney & Wings. Everybody has an opinion. Jeff hates it. I like it. For me, for some inexplicable reason, it scratches an itch for me. It’s so bad, it feels good. I’m guessing I’m in the minority here; most people despise this song. It’s one of the dumbest Paul’s ever released, and God knows that’s saying a lot. However, if you think you hate it, you clearly haven’t heard from our good friend Jeff Vrabel.

Vrabel, as we shall call him from now on so as not to confuse him with Giles, is a lot of things: a dad, a Springsteen fanatic, and a graphic designer. But most importantly (to us, anyway; he probably holds the “dad” thing in higher regard), he is one of the funniest writers on the face of the planet. If you’re not reading him already in your local newspaper, you should be reading his website daily; he’s one of the only writers that truly makes us laugh out loud constantly.

Also: Vrabel really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Really, really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Witness his column on November 9th, where he states:

Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime”…is the single worst song ever written in the history of the human experience, and frankly, just bringing it up is sort of making me want to drive to the nearest parking lot and start punching widows.

What emotion! What passion! What a chance for us to totally exploit his irritation! Which, as we stated previously, is what Mellowmas is all about. Jeff, after reading Vrabel’s column, knew just what to do: Namely, get in touch with our old buddy Py Korry, noted DJ to the stars, and ask him if he could whip up an extra, extra long remix of “Wonderful Christmastime.” Py, good friend (and evil, evil bastard) that he is, was only too happy to oblige. Hence “Wonderful Christmas Hell,” which we dare say is a brand new holiday classic along the lines of…well, along the lines of anything we’ve listened to all Mellowmas, certainly, and that’s saying a whole lot.

Vrabel could have just ignored this creation. Hell, Jeff sent him the entire Captain & Tennille Christmas album, and we still don’t have any confirmation that he ever listened to it. But instead, Vrabel took his lumps like a man, and listened to “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” All 9:53 of it.

And, dear readers, if you’ve made it this far, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to take a listen, too? Share it with your loved ones this Christmas day. And when they ask you why someone would have the horrible idea to put this mix together and share it with the entire Internet, along with over 30 other abysmal steaming piles of crap, you can quote Bono from “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and tell them: tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.

Listen in, won’t you, as Jeff Vrabel goes through his own personal lake of fire and brimstone and liveblogs “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” Feel free to liveblog along and post it in the comments. Today is a day for giving. We’re taking Christmas off and letting Vrabel – and you – run the show.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Thanks for joining us on this treacherous journey. You can bet we’ll do it again next year!

Paul McCartney, Py Korry And Friends – Wonderful Christmas Hell (download or stream below)

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0:09: Aw. Anyone want any cider? I love Christmas. And friends and family and mistletoe and stockings and stuff. Hey, what’s with the synth here? Wait, is … is this JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST ON A HOT SPICED CRACKER IT’S “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME.” KILL ME! KILL ME WITH MY SHOELACES! I HATE YOU, JESUS!

1:28: I will have this fucking song in my head for four days. Dozens will be killed.

1:39: I don’t even care what this new song is, it’s like a temporary break in the waterboarding, except that … wait … it’s …. JESUS TAP DANCING EVEN MORE VIOLENTLY CHRIST IT’S A MIDI VERSION OF “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME?” WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? WHY?

2:22: I can’t hear what this guy is saying. It sounds like “The Ghost of Tom Joad,” except that it’s … SON OF A WHORE, HOW MANY VERSIONS OF THIS SONG ARE THERE? I AM FILLED WITH A RIGHTEOUS AND ALL-CONSUMING RAGE!

3:04: Son, get Daddy’s rifle.

3:24: If you’re quiet, you can hear the engineers laughing in the booth.

4:06: I can’t help but notice this song is still going on.

4:25: Oh good. More blinking piano. Wonder what this could be.

4:40: Son, get Daddy’s Drambuie.

4:45: Oh good, it’s Oasis doing “Wonderful Christmatime.” Which is good, because it had been like three months since I’d been annoyed by Oasis.

5:20: Right now on CNN they’re talking about how the China-painted Thomas the Tank Engine toys are toxic, and I’m trying to figure out how many I could eat in the next four minutes. Probably, like six, at least.

6:00:
I now understand why people get depressed at Christmas.

6:16: What is this, Wham!?

6:42: Yeah, it’s probably Wham!.

6:51: I am sending Py Korry several boxes full of piping hot ranch dressing as soon as this is over.

7:20: Oh good, Paul’s back.

7:40: SWEET JUMPING MERCY, THERE’S TWO PAULS.

7:50: This is the first time that I’ve laughed during this, for a reason other than shoving aside the hideous terror.

8:14: You bastard.

8:23:
Son, get Daddy’s heroin.

8:45: I hope Paul gets fleeced in the divorce. I believe you, Heather! I believe you!

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Once again, thanks to Terje Fjelde for his wonderful Mellowmas designs!

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  • Dw. Dunphy

    Never has so much been made of so little for no discernible good whatsoever… No, wait… I forgot about the Maginot Line. Atrocity followed behind that one as well!

  • David

    My version runs 9:57. There’s a good :04 of Vrabel choking on his vomit at the end.

    Figgy pudding, indeed.

    Very merry, all!

  • EightE1

    Thank you for nine minutes of respite from putting together Transformers toys (the kid’s, not mine).

    Vrabel, I bow in your general direction.

    Mixmaster Py Korry, you are truly the mack among mack daddies.

    Jason and Jefito, there’s a special place in hell for people who would commission such a thing. Hope to see you there. I’ll bring the lemonade.

    Merry Mellowmas to all. Bring on Popdose.

    Rob
    EightE1

  • http://mostlymodernmusic.blogspot.com Beau

    I rather enjoyed that.

    But then at the end, my long-potty-trained son announced that he had peed in his pants.

  • Old Davy

    Hey, Vrabel, please pass me that Percy train engine. Yeah, the red one over there…munch munch.

    You know, aside from the crappy lyrics, inane melody, horrid arrangement, slap-shod production and dull delivery, Macca’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is a pretty good song!

    Actually, it WOULD be a good song if it sounded more like the version between 4:25 and 6:49.

    The 25 Days Of Mellowmas has been the best holiday present. I enjoyed it even more than the pack of Black Jack gum that Santa left in my stocking last night. Thanks Jason and Jeff! You made the holiday season blight…I mean bright!

    And to all my fellow commentors, Merry Mellowmas to all, and to all a good mellow night!

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net Dave Lifton

    I believe in a Mellowmas miracle…

  • SNOOOD

    Thank you Jebus, It’s Over………it is over isn’t it? 8P

  • http://captivewildwoman.blogspot.com/ Miss Lisa

    Stay twisted in 2008.

  • http://www.jeffvrabel.com Vrabel

    Many thanks to Jeff and Jason for another month of bowel-clenching misery and hideous terror, and for posting nine minutes of drunken ranting in a place where it can spread sunshine and goodwill this holiday season! (toasts with wassail*)

    *whatever that is

  • Michael

    Jason and Jeff: You are twisted, evil. I’m not sure what Metallica was writin about when they penned “The Thing Thast Should Not Be” but whatever it was, it has been supplanted by a 10 minute wonderful christmastime.

    Py Korry: The 30 seconds of innocuous intro was downright cruel, and therefore brilliant.

    I hate Wonderful Xmastime. I thought the original was my least favorite Xmas song. It’s not anymore. Now it’s the “Iron & Wine-esque earnest, whispered, acoustic piano with hilariously pregnant pauses” version that comes between the halftime MIDI version and the Oasis version.

    Whoever is responsible for that desperately needs a punch in the face.

  • http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Tester McTesty

    You know nothing! Worst version: Martin Sheen, John Spencer and Stockard Channing on the NBC Celebrity Christmas album (http://www.amazon.com/NBC-Celebrity-Christmas-Various-Artists/dp/B00005YDAW)

  • http://www.pykorry.com Py Korry

    Thanks for a great Mellowmas! Jeff and Jason, many times the two of you surpassed the high comedy of MST 3000. I hope next year is just as painful when Mellowmas comes around.

    :-)

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com/ Robert

    All you did was make me like this song even more. Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

  • http://jeffvrabel.com/2007/12/26/wonderful-christmas-hell/ Wonderful Christmas Hell « jeffvrabel.com

    [...] Because they are extremely friendly elves, they let me turn in this small piece on “Wonderful Christmastime,” which I have contended for years is the worst piece of music in the history of recorded human history, and which fellow blogger Py Korry remixed into a full nine-minutes of nogtastic horror. So to squeeze one last drop out of your fruit of holiday joy, head over to JasonHare.com for a quick walk into the first circle of “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” [...]

  • http://popdose.com/chart-attack-61276/ CHART ATTACK!: 6/12/76 | Popdose

    [...] not “Let ‘Em In” or that yuletide tumor “Wonderful Christmastime.” (Watch it, buddy – JH) It’s just a silly love song with inexplicable factory noise as an intro and nothing to [...]

  • http://popdose.com/the-popdose-podcast-episode-4/ The Popdose Podcast: Episode 4 | Popdose

    [...] and the In Harmony and In Harmony 2 albums, the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York,” Jeff Vrabel’s hatred of “Wonderful Christmastime” and everything else except for Jimmy Buffett, Buffett’s Christmas album, Carly Simon’s [...]

  • http://popdose.com/the-twelfth-day-of-mellowmas-why-we-dont-like-ted/ The Twelfth Day of Mellowmas: Why We Don’t Like Ted | Popdose

    [...] and the writer of “Home for the Holidays” to do this. I think maybe when Ted created that megamix of “Wonderful Christmastime” for Vrabel, it sent him over the edge.Jason: It looks like [...]

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    [...] it, even though we bust our asses retweeting whatever he writes about Bruce Springsteen. But I do know he hates today’s track. Without even hearing it, I know he hates it. Jeff: Shit! I was afraid I knew where this was going. [...]

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    [...] bargain!Springer: Plus it’s a cover of a holiday song known to inspire ritual suicide.Lifton: Damn right.Matt Springer: “25 or 12/24?”Boone: “Does Anybody Really Know It’s the Most [...]

  • http://popdose.com/the-thirteenth-day-of-mellowmas-wonderful-dollytoe-time/ The Thirteenth Day of Mellowmas: Wonderful Dollytoe Time | Popdose

    [...] again! Jeff: You’re getting the picture!3. “Wonderful Christmastime” Jason: Vrabeltoe! Jeff: Yes, yes, and yes!So, as you may know, the graying shell of what used to be Chicago recorded [...]

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    [...] Jeff: But if you find terrible versions of “Wonderful Christmastime,” please do send them along to Jeff Vrabel, Writer. [...]

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