Archive for the 'Downloads' Category

The Final Day of Mellowmas: Wonderful Christmas Hell

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

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Happy Mellowmas, everyone!

Today, we celebrate many, many things. We celebrate Christmas, but we also celebrate the official Final Day Of Mellowmas 2007. We celebrate the fact that you made it through. We celebrate the fact that we made it through. Forgive us, but we’re getting a little teary-eyed here. Oh, Mellowmas, why do you have to end?

We don’t have anything as magical as last year’s complete presentation of Starland Vocal Band: Christmas At Home. (However, all those tracks are still active, should you want to re-live such a “special” moment.) What we do have for today is something that truly celebrates the Mellowmas spirit.

And what is the Mellowmas spirit, you might ask? Well, chances are you pretty much know by now, but in case you’re not sure, we’ll tell you. The Mellowmas spirit is taking awful, awful holiday music and sharing it with the ones you truly care about. Taking the misery you’ve received – from the ringing in your ears to the indigestion in your gut – and making sure someone else is feeling the exact same way.

Today, we truly exploit someone’s hatred of a song.

“Wonderful Christmastime.” Paul McCartney & Wings. Everybody has an opinion. Jeff hates it. I like it. For me, for some inexplicable reason, it scratches an itch for me. It’s so bad, it feels good. I’m guessing I’m in the minority here; most people despise this song. It’s one of the dumbest Paul’s ever released, and God knows that’s saying a lot. However, if you think you hate it, you clearly haven’t heard from our good friend Jeff Vrabel.

Vrabel, as we shall call him from now on so as not to confuse him with Giles, is a lot of things: a dad, a Springsteen fanatic, and a graphic designer. But most importantly (to us, anyway; he probably holds the “dad” thing in higher regard), he is one of the funniest writers on the face of the planet. If you’re not reading him already in your local newspaper, you should be reading his website daily; he’s one of the only writers that truly makes us laugh out loud constantly.

Also: Vrabel really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Really, really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Witness his column on November 9th, where he states:

Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime”…is the single worst song ever written in the history of the human experience, and frankly, just bringing it up is sort of making me want to drive to the nearest parking lot and start punching widows.

What emotion! What passion! What a chance for us to totally exploit his irritation! Which, as we stated previously, is what Mellowmas is all about. Jeff, after reading Vrabel’s column, knew just what to do: Namely, get in touch with our old buddy Py Korry, noted DJ to the stars, and ask him if he could whip up an extra, extra long remix of “Wonderful Christmastime.” Py, good friend (and evil, evil bastard) that he is, was only too happy to oblige. Hence “Wonderful Christmas Hell,” which we dare say is a brand new holiday classic along the lines of…well, along the lines of anything we’ve listened to all Mellowmas, certainly, and that’s saying a whole lot.

Vrabel could have just ignored this creation. Hell, Jeff sent him the entire Captain & Tennille Christmas album, and we still don’t have any confirmation that he ever listened to it. But instead, Vrabel took his lumps like a man, and listened to “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” All 9:53 of it.

And, dear readers, if you’ve made it this far, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to take a listen, too? Share it with your loved ones this Christmas day. And when they ask you why someone would have the horrible idea to put this mix together and share it with the entire Internet, along with over 30 other abysmal steaming piles of crap, you can quote Bono from “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and tell them: tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.

Listen in, won’t you, as Jeff Vrabel goes through his own personal lake of fire and brimstone and liveblogs “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” Feel free to liveblog along and post it in the comments. Today is a day for giving. We’re taking Christmas off and letting Vrabel – and you – run the show.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Thanks for joining us on this treacherous journey. You can bet we’ll do it again next year!

Paul McCartney, Py Korry And Friends – Wonderful Christmas Hell (download or stream below)

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0:09: Aw. Anyone want any cider? I love Christmas. And friends and family and mistletoe and stockings and stuff. Hey, what’s with the synth here? Wait, is … is this JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST ON A HOT SPICED CRACKER IT’S “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME.” KILL ME! KILL ME WITH MY SHOELACES! I HATE YOU, JESUS!

1:28: I will have this fucking song in my head for four days. Dozens will be killed.

1:39: I don’t even care what this new song is, it’s like a temporary break in the waterboarding, except that … wait … it’s …. JESUS TAP DANCING EVEN MORE VIOLENTLY CHRIST IT’S A MIDI VERSION OF “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME?” WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? WHY?

2:22: I can’t hear what this guy is saying. It sounds like “The Ghost of Tom Joad,” except that it’s … SON OF A WHORE, HOW MANY VERSIONS OF THIS SONG ARE THERE? I AM FILLED WITH A RIGHTEOUS AND ALL-CONSUMING RAGE!

3:04: Son, get Daddy’s rifle.

3:24: If you’re quiet, you can hear the engineers laughing in the booth.

4:06: I can’t help but notice this song is still going on.

4:25: Oh good. More blinking piano. Wonder what this could be.

4:40: Son, get Daddy’s Drambuie.

4:45: Oh good, it’s Oasis doing “Wonderful Christmatime.” Which is good, because it had been like three months since I’d been annoyed by Oasis.

5:20: Right now on CNN they’re talking about how the China-painted Thomas the Tank Engine toys are toxic, and I’m trying to figure out how many I could eat in the next four minutes. Probably, like six, at least.

6:00:
I now understand why people get depressed at Christmas.

6:16: What is this, Wham!?

6:42: Yeah, it’s probably Wham!.

6:51: I am sending Py Korry several boxes full of piping hot ranch dressing as soon as this is over.

7:20: Oh good, Paul’s back.

7:40: SWEET JUMPING MERCY, THERE’S TWO PAULS.

7:50: This is the first time that I’ve laughed during this, for a reason other than shoving aside the hideous terror.

8:14: You bastard.

8:23:
Son, get Daddy’s heroin.

8:45: I hope Paul gets fleeced in the divorce. I believe you, Heather! I believe you!

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Once again, thanks to Terje Fjelde for his wonderful Mellowmas designs!

Mellowmas Eve: The Redemption Of The McD

Monday, December 24th, 2007

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Our Twenty-Third Day Of Mellowmas left us depressed, restless and unsatisfied – which, to be honest, wasn’t much different from the other twenty-two days. But yesterday was different. Michael McDonald – The Patron Saint Of Mellow Gold – had let us down. It’s Mellowmas Eve, and excitement is in the air: can he turn it around? Can we go to sleep tonight dreaming of sugarplum fairies instead of McD eating jelly donuts and phoning in vocals with Olivia Newton-John? Only one way to find out!

Michael McDonald: Christmas On The Bayou (download or stream below)

From Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon

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Jeff: This is Christmas?

Jason: Drums!

Jeff: Fiddles!

Jason: ….down south? What the hell is going on? AAAUGH!!! What the hell IS this??

Jeff: McD has been possessed by the spirit of Bouzou Chavis!

Jason: I wish you could see my face right now. It’s all contorted. I’m going to get a headache from this.

Jeff: Is it a face of stunned, stupid shock?

Jason: Jeff, what’s going on? I’m scared. Hold me.

Jeff: When I hear “Michael McDonald Christmas album,” this is not what I think of. I mean, I’m thankful for the lack of synthesizers, don’t get me wrong.

Jason: This is NOT the McD I was banking on, Jeff! What is up with the “Ya Ya Ya Ya?” He sounds like Animal.

Jeff: Maybe he’s calling Ya, so Ya Mo B There.

Jason: slams head on desk

Jeff: Yeah. You know you liked that one. Suck it.

Jason: If he says “ya” one more time, I’m…I’m… I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Jeff: Gonna Ya Mo burn this place down?

Jason: AUGH! He did it again! Jeff, I don’t know if I can get through this.

Jeff: We’re only about halfway through. Get down yo’ fiddle!

Jason: I don’t even know what the fuck he just SAID.

Jeff: We gonna dance and sing!

Jason: NO!

Jeff: All the way to Mardi Gras!

Jason: Ya, Big Easy!

Jeff: Ya Ya Big Easy!

Jason: Ya ya ya! Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya. I GET it.

Jeff: Long before Mardi Gras! I feel like making moonshine for some reason. And eating crawfish.

Jason: I feel like drinking gasoline for some reason.

Jeff: Lay zay long go mong boulay?

Jason: Suck my dick, Jeff. This sucks. Get me something else.

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: What was the first song you suggested we cover?

Jeff: “Through the Many Winters”?

Jason: Cue that one up. He has to redeem himself, goddammit.

Jeff: All right.

Michael McDonald – Through The Many Winters (download or stream below)
Also from Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon

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Jeff: This sounds more like the McD I was expecting.

Jason: Okay, promising opening.

Jeff: Minus that Stevie Wonder impersonator on the harmonica.

Jason: Some harmonica that could or could not be real harmonica. Although I think it is. Hey, it’s whispering McD! He doesn’t want to wake up the sleeping children! He sounds like it was mastered at the wrong speed.

Jeff: That’s exactly what it sounds like, actually. And he sounds so sad. Why are you so sad, McD? Did Christopher Cross eat all the chalupas?

Jason: snicker (No, not Snickers, McD! Snicker!)

Jeff: You should remix this at double speed.

Jason: Tasteful piano.

Jeff: Tasteful everything.

Jason: I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, but I can kind of get behind this slow Christmas groove.

Jeff: So fucking tasteful. Gawwwwwwwwwwwd.

Jason: I’m kind of grooving in my chair.

Jeff: I’m getting angry, and I don’t know why. I want him to hurry up and go somewhere with this.

Jason: Is it because we’re at the twenty-fourth day of Mellowmas?

Jeff: It’s because this song is boring.

Jason: Well, I’m sure it’s almost over. Let me see…

Jeff: No, it just started.

Jason: JEFF! WHAT THE FUCK!

Jeff: I know!

Jason: This song has like 4:45 left! Can’t do it. Can’t do it. I’m sorry.

Jeff: No. Me too.

Jason: He has to redeem himself and this isn’t cutting it. Let me quickly scan the list of songs. “Wexford Carol?” I don’t even know what the hell that means. But it sounds like it belongs on the Fogelberg record.

Jeff: Are you reading the phone book? Who is Carol Wexford?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Which is funny, because I always said I’d listen to McD reading the phone book. How awesome would it be, though, if the song was just McD, reading names?

Jeff: Can we please pick something? Because I hate this.

Jason: Okay. “Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells.” That has to be an improvement.

Jeff: Better than this, that’s for sure. And appropriate, because I want to deck him.

Michael McDonald – Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells (download or stream below)
Yet again from Through The Many Winters: A Christmas Album Amazon

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Jason: Oh YES!

Jeff: Now this is more like it.

Jason: This is what I was talking about!

Jeff: A tempo.

Jason: McD is Arisen! Ooh, listen to those Fa la la las! YES, McD! YES!

Jeff: He still sounds kind of sleepy and/or drunk.

Jason: Fall on your knees! O hear the McD’s vocal!

Jeff: This was totally done in one take.

Jason: Oh yes. I agree.

Jeff: McD was probably in the parking lot.

Jason: Ha! He’s fa la laing all over the fucking place, Jeff. And I couldn’t be happier. I feel like doing the Snoopy dance on the piano.

Jeff: You know, it bears mentioning that this album was released by Hallmark.

Jason: !!! Jingle Bells! It’s a medley! YES! I love you, McD! Todd, you are forgiven! Barely!

Jeff: I ain’t forgiving you, Todd.

Jason: He’s back to decking those fucking halls.

Jeff: I’m forgiving McD barely.

Jason: Sing we joyous, all together! YES!

Jeff: You, Todd, are still on my shit list.

Jason: I’m not typing anymore. I’m clapping.

Jeff: Guitar solo!

Jason: Great piano. Great guitar. He’s going up the octave!

Jeff: Great drums, actually.

Jason: Watch the fuck OUT! Fa la la LA, McD!

Jeff: I’ve learned to take my live drums where I can get them on McD recordings. This is kind of funky.

Jason: Stop thinking so hard, Jeff. Just enjoy this.

Jeff: I do not hate it. Big finish! Jazz hands!

Jason: Fosse! We totally deserved this.

Jeff: Oh, we worked for it.

Jason: We sat through three shitty McD tunes to get to where we are today. I’m so happy.

Jeff: He has re-earned his Patron Saint status.

Jason: It’s like we finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel, y’know? Tito, get me some tissue!

Jeff: Jermaine, stop teasing!

Jason: Mr. Michael McDonald, you are forgiven. I have forgiven all your trespasses.

Jeff: For now.

Jason: Namely “Through The Many Winters,” “Christmas On The Bayou,” that shitty song with Olivia Newton-John…

Jeff: Most of your solo albums,

Jason: and what the hell, I’ll throw some of that shit from Blue Obsession on there as well. I’m breathing a huge sigh of relief.

Jeff: How about the “Sweet Freedom” video? Is he forgiven for that?

Jason: No. I LOVE that video. Don’t you even, Jeff. Don’t you even. McD. Hines. Crystal. CLASSIC.

Jeff: You…you have problems.

Jason: I can’t hear you right now. I have my fingers in my ears. FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

And, as a very special Mellowmas Eve bouns – because you can’t make this shit up – Michael McDonald, Amy Grant, Vince Gill and Chet Atkins (!!) singing “The Chipmunk Song.” (Jeff: “Look at those mom jeans! He looks like he’s hiding a sack of potatoes in his crotch!”)

Happy Mellowmas Eve, everybody! Snuggle up tight in your beds, and join us tomorrow morning for Mellowmas Day!

The Twenty-Third Day Of Mellowmas: All Through The Dreck

Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

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We’re so close to the holiday, dear readers! We’re really starting to feel that ol’ Christmas spirit…and then this came along.

Olivia Newton-John featuring Michael McDonald – All Through The Night (download or stream below)

From Christmas Wish Amazon iTunes

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Jason: Just so you know, Jeff, I found out about this song through Todd, one of our readers.

Jeff: Where can I find Todd? I want to punch him.

Jason: Dude, we’re 10 seconds in and McD is not here yet. This is not right.

Jeff: HURRY, MCD! This is my Christmas wish!

Jason: This is worse than waiting for Santa! And both have the same trouble fitting down the chimney!

Jeff: Hurry the fuck up, you fat bastard! I’m getting sleepy. And nauseous.

Jason: This year, I’m leaving cookies for McD. Hey, there he is! Sing it, McD!

Jeff: You know what? I didn’t think this was possible, but Olivia Newton-John actually makes Michael McDonald suck. This is gross.

Jason: Their voices don’t blend very well, do they? I mean, it doesn’t matter. All I hear is McD.

Jeff: Like, I keep hoping this recording will be interrupted by a drive-by shooting at the studio.

Jason: With our luck, they’d accidentally shoot the douchebag on clarinet. I’ve heard a few other ONJ holiday songs this year. None of them are good.

Jeff: She’s humming. I wonder if she has his balls in her mouth.

Jason: How much you wanna bet McD got a handjob during this song?

Jeff: Take it, Mike! There he is.

Jason: “Christmas time is so appealing all through the night.” That doesn’t even make sense. I just don’t know what to think of this.

Jeff: You don’t? I have a few pointers. 1. It sucks. 2. It sucks. 3. It sucks.

Jason: And 4?

Jeff: 4. All of the above.

Jason: I’m guessing ONJ figured this was a Christmas lullaby. It has lulled me to suicide.

Jeff: Lullabies aren’t supposed to give you nightmares, are they?

Jason: I don’t think McD sucked, though. I mean, he did the best he could with what he was given.

Jeff: Why did Todd have this? I mean, we’re professionals. We’re supposed to have this crap. But what’s Todd’s problem?

Jason: Well, actually, Todd didn’t send it to me – he pointed me towards a blog that was featuring the song. (I’m protecting you, Todd!)

Jeff: Dude, McD sounded like a tool through 90% of that song.

Jason: It wasn’t his best work. You’re right on that one. There’s only one thing to do tomorrow, then.

Jeff: Delete it from our hard drives?

Jason: We must listen to more McD for Mellowmas. He has to redeem himself.

Jeff: Oh, right. That. I guess we owe him that. Or he owes us.

Jason: Yes. I have faith in you, McD!

Jeff: Me too! I guess!

Jason: I believe in Michael McDonald, Jeff.

Jeff: You know what they say. What a fool believes…

Jason: Tell you what. Let’s leave some cookies on the table for him. Some big fucking cookies.

Jeff: I’m going to leave a turd on the table for Olivia Newton-John.

Jason: We’ll leave those, and some milk. Some whole milk. None of this 2% crap.

Jeff: No, fuck 2%.

Jason: Actually, no. Fuck milk. Heavy cream. We’re leaving him big-ass cookies and a pitcher of heavy cream.

Jeff: Ha! Cookies and heavy cream!

Jason: I’m pretty sure he drinks a pitcher of heavy cream before he sings, anyway.

Jeff: He’ll need an extra team of reindeer to get back home!

Jason: And we’ll leave a carrot for him. Like, just as a joke.

Jeff: I think he has a chalupa-eating contest with Christopher Cross before he sings.

Jason: We’re totally ignoring the fact that McD lost all the weight, but I don’t care. Do you?

Jeff: Is it still gone? I have no idea. If so, good for you, McD.

Jason: I think so. I don’t know. I haven’t sat outside his house in a while. I mean, what?

Jeff: Way to resist the temptation to spend all that calling-card-commercial money on donuts! Say, when is Motown Three coming out, you fucking sellout?

Jason: Jeff! Stop!

Jeff: Oh, right.

Jason: He’s going to redeem himself tomorrow. I can feel it.

Jeff: No wise man has the power…

Jason: You’ll see.

Will McD redeem himself? Will he save this god-awful holiday? Only one way to find out: meet us back here tomorrow for Mellowmas Eve!

The Twenty-Second Day Of Mellowmas: A Very Keith Sweatmas

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

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As we reach our 22nd day of Mellowmas terror, you can tell we’re starting to go a little crazy. But we’re doing it all for you, so don’t give up just yet!

Keith Sweat – Be Your Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From A Christmas Of Love Amazon iTunes

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Jason: Aw, how quaint.

Jeff: Ha! Fake crackling!

Jason: Vintage vinyl sounds.

Jeff: Vinyl never sounded like this.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. “I’ll take some old vinyl sounds, then surround it with completely modern production techniques.”

Jeff: This is what’s playing at Smoove B’s house on Christmas Eve. I want to be your Santa Claus, girl. I will lay you down. I will put my coal in your stocking.

Jason: Where did you get this? This is not in my library.

Jeff: I’m reviewing it. Rhino just released it.

Jason: Oh, this is new! That makes sense.

Jeff: Jason, none of this makes sense.

Jason: It sounds new. Who cares about Keith Sweat, though? And did they just riff on “ho ho?”

Jeff: I want to be the first gift you open tonight / Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Now baby, take your time / Unwrap me slow

Jason: Keith Sweat wants to be R. Kelly, doesn’t he?

Jeff: I love this song.

Jason: Seriously, or ironically?

Jeff: This is my favorite song.

Jason: Okay, nevermind. I know the answer. More jingle bells.

Jeff: Jingle my bells, girl.

Jason: What does he mean by “I wanna be your Santa Claus?”

Jeff: I know we have had words recently. But I want you to know that you are the one for me.

Jason: Does he mean, “I want to be white, bearded and fat, and have young children sit on my lap?”

Jeff: I promise never to call you that again, baby. Please just let me slide down your chimney.

Jason: You’re so far gone. You’re not listening to me. You are totally in Keith Sweat mode. Don’t stop. I’m enjoying this.

Jeff: I’m in the zone.

Jason: Keep going.

Jeff: Keith Sweat is my Santa Claus.

Jason: I’m just going to sit back and let you mack.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Mack, Jeff. Mack.

Jeff: Girl, I have made a list. I have checked it twice.

Jason: mmmph

Jeff: And I have decided that I want to be your Santa Claus. Tell me what you want, girl. I got it.

Jason: Tell her what else, Jefito Dogg!

Jeff: Right here in my sack.

Jason: Stuff her stocking!

Jeff: Long jingle bell fadeout — just like Kate Bush!

Jason: Fa la la her la!

Jeff: Deck her halls! Oh, wait! Don’t deck her, Keith!

Jason: That’d really be R. Kelly then, wouldn’t it? Actually, I don’t know. R. Kelly may not be an abuser. I mean, he’s an abuser of taste. But that’s not the same thing.

Jeff: I think he’d be more like “(I Know You Want a) Golden Shower for Christmas”

Jason: Oh man. I can’t believe you went there. I should have stopped you three minutes ago.

Jeff: Someone should have stopped Keith Sweat 15 years ago.

Jason: Your pants are around your ankles, aren’t they.

Jeff: Never mind my pants, girl.

Jason: Your poor wife is hiding in the closet with the kids, isn’t she. Your wife is trapped in the closet!

Jeff: My wife walked in during this song and didn’t even blink an eye.

Jason: Which says so much about her, but even more about you.

Jeff: I know, right? I’m filled with shame all of a sudden.

Jason: The song ended like three minutes ago, but I feel like you could go on macking straight through ’til New Year’s.

Jeff: My Bullz-Eye review for this album will be nothing but reheated Smoove B lines.

Jason: Yes! Please! That’d be so awesome.

Jeff: Wait until you see the album cover.

Jason: Oh, no.

Jeff: Well, it’s better than the Christopher Cross. But the look on his face is hilarious.

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Jason: That’s what Keith Sweat looks like? I had no idea! And by “no idea,” I mean “no care!”

Jeff: Ha! What did you think he looked like, Jeffrey Osborne? Peabo Bryson? Luther?

Jason: He looks like he just farted, but nobody knows it yet.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason: Pretty soon, girl.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: You’re getting a special Christmas present from Keith Sweat. (‘Cause in my mind, Keith Sweat always refers to himself in the third person.)

Jeff: I think he released this independently last year, as A Keith Sweat Christmas. So yeah, I bet he does.

Jason: Forget the mistletoe and wine, girl.

Jeff: Forget about Rudolph, girl. Keith Sweat has a new red-nosed reindeer waiting to meet you.

Jason: Ha! I bet he gives gifts and is like, “Happy Keith Sweatmas.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Ha! We wish you a Keith Sweatmas!

Jeff: There’s a song on this record called “Under the Tree.”

Jason: Have you heard it?

Jeff: I don’t know. I kind of scanned through a few of the songs, until I realized there was no point.

Jason: I’m betting it sounds EXACTLY like this one.

Jeff: Yeah, I think the whole thing sounds like this.

Jason: Well, let’s not do like we did with Cross and listen to any others, okay? Unless you feel like you still have some macking left in you.

Jeff: Please. No. Let us be done with this.

Jason: You sure?

Jeff: One hundred percent.

Jason: Fair enough! Happy Keith Sweatmas to all! And to all a Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come! (All over your back!)

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Why you cryin’, girl?

Jason: Deck the halls with balls of Keith Sweat! Fa la la la la, la la Keith Sweat!

Jeff: Do you Keith what I Sweat?

Jason: On the first day of Keith Sweatmas, my Keith Sweat gave to me…Keith Sweat. Every line would end with “Keith Sweat.”

Jeff: Send him an e-mail. Suggest that. “The Twelve Days of Keith Sweat.” I’ll be Keith for Sweatmas!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Suddenly, it’s perverted role playing. “I’ll Be Keith For Sweatmas” has got me cracking up.

Jeff: I’m still cracking up over Keith Sweat coming on her back. Supaman that ho!

Jason: Our readers, meanwhile, have left the building. Possibly through an eighth-story window. Oh well, it was worth it.

Read Jeff’s phenomenal review of this CD at Bullz-Eye.

The Twenty-First Day Of Mellowmas: O Christmas Bush

Friday, December 21st, 2007

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Because who couldn’t use a little Christmas Bush?

Kate Bush – December Will Be Magic Again (download or stream below)

From, among other things, Christmas: The Album Amazon

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I just like this picture. It has nothing to do with this song.

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Jason: Doo doo doo doo my ears hurt.

Jeff: Christmas…on Mars! DecembERRRRRRRRRRRRR

Jason: You know, I just don’t get Kate Bush.

Jeff: I said that at my blog once, and got the most hate mail ever.

Jason: Well, maybe they’ll all show up here this year. Remember how I said I listened to 980 songs this year? I got only 8 seconds into this one. I don’t get her. I don’t dig her voice.

Jeff: This is disturbing in a way I can’t quite put my finger on.

Jason: I feel like she’s yelling at me. Like Bolton. OOOH! Take THAT, Bushheads!

Jeff: I can tell you, though, that this song seems to have nothing to do with Christmas. Or anything else.

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. There are jingle bells. And everyone knows that’s all you need for a Christmas song.

Jeff: What is she saying? Is this in English?

Jason: I think it’s in Elvish. Or whatever language they speak in Lord Of The Rings.

Jeff: DecembeRRRRRR

Jason: I can’t figure out what she’s talking about.

Jeff: Light the candlelights, I think she just said.

Jason: This is giving me a headache.

Jeff: Maybe this is a Hanukkah song.

Jason: I don’t think she’s saying “December.” She’s saying, “DecembAAAAHHH.”

Jeff: You make a very good point.

Jason: Did she just say something about a parachute? What the fuck is going on?

Jeff: An icicle moon?

Jason: Is that a cell phone ringing in the background? Kate, it’s your boyfriend calling, the Keebler elf.

Jeff: I want my mom.

Jason: He’s inviting you into his treehouse to make an assortment of cookies. Anything to stop you from singing.

Jeff: So…cold…

Jason: Suddenly, my head is pounding. Kate Bush has made me sick this Mellowmas.

Jeff: Have some Gatorade.

Jason: Ugh, that high note!

Jeff: She’s screaming now!

Jason: Kate, stop!

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF SANTA!

Jeff: I’m sitting here, willing the song to end.

Jason: Well, luckily, it sounds like it’s fading out.

Jeff: Yes! Sweet, sweet fadeout!

Jason: But those jingle bells? Not leaving. That was terrible. I mean, abysmal. I mean, awful. I mean, terrible again.

Jeff: I can’t disagree.

Jason: And yet…I somehow feel satisfied. Like, THIS is what Mellowmas is all about, Charlie Brown. It’s about wailing pixies. And a collection of elves in a tree, making a fine assortment of cookies.

Jeff: And me, trying not to cry.

Jason: I rated this song with one star. And only because if I gave it zero stars, it’d show up again for rating next year. And dammit, iTunes doesn’t have an option for negative stars.

Jeff: I can’t believe you’re keeping it. You deleted the Bootsy Collins album, and you kept this.

Jason: Well, honestly, all the one-star songs are songs that I think might actually work for Mellowmas.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: And you have to agree I have a point.

Jeff: It’s true. You have a point.

Jason: Actually, now I can delete it, because it’s been covered for Mellowmas, and I never have to hear it again. Hang on. I want you to be here while I drag it to the trash. Aaaaannnndddd….Done! AAAAHHHHHHH.

Jeff: Don’t you feel better now?

Jason: Feels so good!

Jeff: I’m not deleting it. You never know when someone I hate might stop by during December.

Jason: Which reminds me: next year, we should see if Chuck Mangione did any Christmas tunes.

Jeff: Oh, please let that have been the case. I would love A Very Mangione Christmas.

Jason: Actually, all he’d have to do is take “Feels So Good” and overdub some jingle bells, and I’d be fine with it.

Jeff: Same here. Why don’t you make that happen?

Jason: Next year, Jeff. Next year.