Welcome back, folks, to another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! I want you to know that I am covering today’s song under great duress. It took me a while to get up the nerve to write about it. Even my cat tried to stop me.

Todd Rundgren – Hello It’s Me (download)

It’s not that I have anything against “Hello It’s Me.” (Actually, I have a lot against “Hello It’s Me” but we’ll explore that later.) It’s just that…remember that episode of The Simpsons where Bart becomes famous for uttering the catchphrase “I didn’t do it” on Krusty’s show? And so everywhere he goes, people want him to say “I didn’t do it?” Well, for a brief period, this blog got very Rundgren-centric. People started both discussing and requesting “Hello It’s Me.” Terje sent it to me first. Robert mentioned it in the comments. So did Elaine. Finally, Mike began subtly dropping hints in online conversations.

Mike: What’s on the plate for MG this week?
Jason: Well, I don’t know. I…
Mike: (Rundgren)
Jason: I was thinking maybe I should…
Mike: (Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuundgrennnnnnnnnnnn)
Jason: Yeah, but I also thought that…
Mike: (RUNDGREN!)

So there’s a lot of pressure riding on this one. But I’m going to try and get it over with. There you have it, Mike. I am officially your Rundgren Monkey. (Now that’s a band name.) Hope you’re happy.

“Hello It’s Me” is really not Mellow Gold from a musical standpoint (from a musical standpoint, it’s a Carole King ripoff), but lyrically, OH MY GOD. It easily ranks up there with some of the very, very wimpiest of the wimpy.

Men have, for years, been implored to really get in touch with their soulmates. No more of this sitting-on-the-couch-and-watching-the-game bullshit. “Communication is essential. Talk about your feelings.” Todd Rundgren almost singlehandedly flipped that entire movement on its ass. “Hello, It’s Me” is so rife with emotional rambling that Todd should be sending every penny he made on this song to the people who were forced to listen to it. Think of it as a therapist fee.

Shall we take a look at these emasculating, damn near embarrassing lyrics?

Hello it’s me
I’ve thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but something’s wrong

Ahhh, a Mellow Gold benchmark: contemplating your inadequacies, right in front of the girl woman lady to whom you’re singing. Well done, sir Rundgren!

There’s something here that doesn’t last too long

Okay, this isn’t even close to proper English, is it? When I was five years old, I wrote a song that rhymed “moon” with “baboon.” I feel like even then, I had one up on Todd.

Maybe I shouldn’t think of you as mine

Okay, just in terms of rhyming patterns, is this supposed to rhyme with “time?” That seems to be the only thing I can come up with, but for some reason, I’m thinking this pattern sucks.

Wait, he’s got more to say.

Seeing you
Or seeing anything as much as I do you

Yup, that’s right. “Seeing anything as much as I do you.” It’s like they had a contest to try and write the most awkward lyric.

I take for granted that you’re always there
I take for granted that you just don’t care

Just when I thought this song couldn’t get any dumber, it gets dumberer. So what are we talking about here, Todd? What’s up with this relationship? The first line tells me that the problem is that you’re not happy. The second line implies it’s the other way around. Unless you mean that she just doesn’t care if you treat her horribly. Are you both unhappy? Is it because you wrote this song and she had to listen to it? And did you know that there’s now a third unhappy party? Hello, it’s me!

Sometimes I can’t help seeing all the way through

Sometimes you can’t help seeing WHAT all the way through? The relationship? This goddamn song? I’m pulling my hair out listening to you ramble!

Oh shit, here comes the chorus.

It’s important to me
That you know you are free

If it’s so important to you, why can’t you sing those lines, you big sissy? Admit it! You pussed out! You figured: she hasn’t been listening to anything else I’ve said, I might as well try getting someone else to help put the point across! They’re like little gnats, buzzing around our ears. Please, Todd. Kill them.

‘Cause I never want to make you change for me

And there you have it, folks: with that one final line of the chorus, Todd Rundgren officially threw his hat into the ring for the Wussiest Line Ever. Somewhere, England Dan felt his ears getting hot, and he knew he had a challenge on his hands.

Think of me
You know that I’d be with you if I could
I’ll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile

I’ll freely admit that I can be a tad dense sometimes, so please, help me out here. Am I missing the meaning behind this song? I still don’t understand who’s breaking up with who here. Is he breaking up with her because he’s a jerk? Am I just a maroon for trying to figure this all out? Is this why nobody will talk to me anymore? Maybe I think too much but something’s wrong.

Anyway, if the song ended here, we’d know that Todd had was a first class Fogelberg, through and through. But then, suddenly, Todd’s penis interrupts.

And spend the night if you think I should

You gotta love it. You just gotta love it. The man can’t help but just throw that little hint in there. But he’s smart: he makes it look like it’s not his idea. No, no, no! It’s important to him that she knows she’s free! But, you know, if she thinks he should, well, then. “Okayyyy…I guess if I have to…” And you know what? Todd’s pretty smart. After hearing this song, I imagine the girl woman lady would have done just about anything to get him to shut up. Well, done, sir! Well done! Your cunning little plan worked!

And yet…there is something 100% irresistible about this song, isn’t there? Once it’s in my head, it’s in my head for hours, and I honestly don’t mind it. I find myself singing it aloud. I think it must have to do with the music: those beautiful, minor 7 and 9 chords, and that key-change near the end, which I have to admit is pretty kick-ass. Those keyboards. The trumpet. It’s not Mellow Gold in the slightest, but man, is it catchy. Still, though, I’m overpowered by the lyrics. It makes me feel like maybe Todd Rundgren shouldn’t have sung this song. It should have been sung by Woody Allen, or some other nebbish-y, accountant-type guy.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/helloitsnebbish.mp3]

It’s official: I’ve lost any trace of dignity I had left. By the way, this is the voice of the guy who does my taxes.

So what could be worse than listening to this incessant rambling (either me or Todd)? How about listening to a version so unbearably slow that Rundgren’s version is referred to as “the uptempo version?” I’m dead serious.

Nazz – Hello It’s Me (download)

Yes, this is the version Rundgren recorded with Nazz, his psychedelic garage band from the late ’60s. When it started, I was wondering if maybe I was playing it at the wrong speed. Enjoy…or don’t. Either way, it’s time for us to move on to some video!

[youtube]1Y0JBWz_rdE[/youtube]

Behold! RUNDGREN, IN ALL HIS NIPPLED GLORY! This video could also be subtitled Todd Makes It A Point To Touch Every Fucking Hand In The Audience. I imagine this entire crowd came down with the flu shortly after the show.

By the way, if you listen carefully to the studio version of “Hello It’s Me,” you may notice that Todd attempts to riff/scat on the vocal. It’s kind of a mess, but it’s back in the mix and relatively subtle. Around the 2:17 mark of this video (or 1:45 if the counter’s going backwards), Todd goes for some falsetto riffing and fails so miserably that he makes LeBon’s Live Aid fuckup look like a Pavarotti performance.

Well, there you have it. That’s as much as I can glean out of this one for the day. I’m sure you have many thoughts about this Mellow classic, and I can’t wait to hear them. In the meantime, I’m going to go back and listen to this song again. I kinda love it. See you next week for yet another Adventure!

Hi again, everybody! It’s that time again – that time when we dissolve any sense of self-respect and go spelunking through the Mines Of Mellow Gold!

David Soul – Don’t Give Up On Us (download)

Although this song has been on “the list” for a while, I hadn’t really planned on covering it anytime soon. I’ve always thought this song kinda ran just on the edge between Mellow Gold and schmaltzy ballad. However, every time I hear it, I lose just a little bit of hair on my chest, and so it does fit in with the other songs we’ve discussed here. Plus, I received two requests to post this song – from two of my favorite bloggers, Malchus and Terje – within 12 hours of each other. I don’t know if the two of them wrote to each other, called each other on the phone, whatever, but their message came through loud and clear. Hang on, it’s gonna get lame in here!

You guys all remember David Soul, right? I know I didn’t. In fact, when Malchus wrote to me and requested the song, I responded with, “Well, I already covered ‘Goodbye Girl…”” Yeah. That’s David GATES, of Bread. Not David Soul. Thanks for not calling me out on that one, Scott.

David Soul is best known for playing Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson from Starsky and Hutch. However, clearly he wasn’t just an actor; he was a musician as well. In fact, he was a musician before he was an actor, and he was also a baseball player; he was actually offered a contract to play with the White Sox. (This is starting to read like the Chuck Norris Facts webpage.) Soul’s greatest desire was to be known for his music. How can I say this with such certainty? Because he actually said it, repeatedly. See, in order to get the public’s attention, Soul would sing while wearing a ski mask. He eventually made his way to The Merv Griffin Show under the billing “The Covered Man,” and would say “My name is David Soul, and I want to be known for my music.” Then, he would pull out a sawed-off shotgun and yell, “Any of you fucking pricks move, and I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!”

Okay, maybe that last part didn’t happen. But the ski mask part is true:

“Mommy, this Spider-Man costume you made me sucks!”

Hmmm…masking the wussy face as a gimmick…paging Leo Sayer!

Anyway, Soul was signed to the Private Stock record label, and the label’s owner paired him up with songwriter Tony Macaulay, who you may know if you’ve heard “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You” – a hit for The Foundations in 1967 and later revived by Alison Krauss and Union Station. Macaulay didn’t write the song specifically for Soul, but found that it fit his voice perfectly. The public agreed – the single reached #1 on the Hot 100 in April of 1977, also spending 7 weeks in the Top 10.

So let’s talk about “Don’t Give Up On Us,” otherwise known as “David Soul waits patiently next to the dinner table, awaiting scraps from Barry Manilow’s supper plate.” This song has major wussicity on all fronts. Lyrically, it’s a fucking mess. Let’s start at the very beginning, as, y’know, that’s a very good place to start.

Don’t give up on us, baby
Don’t make the wrong seem right

“Don’t make the wrong seem right” is, quite possibly, the most awkward way of saying…whatever it is he’s trying to say here. Would this line of argument really work? I can’t imagine.

The future isn’t just one night

I like this phrase. It’s a nice, subtle way of saying “Don’t base the rest of our lives together on one unfortunate night of erectile dysfunction.”

It’s written in the moonlight
And painted in the stars
We can’t change ours

It wasn’t until the lyrics were actually written in front of me that I figured out what he means by “we can’t change ours.” He’s saying we can’t change our future. That’s a lie, David Soul. Your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has! Your future is what you make of it – so make it a good one, both of you!

Jesus, David Soul, you’ve got me quoting Doc Brown from Back To The Future III.

There are some other lyrics in this song. I’m going to mention them now, but you should know that I had to listen to the song at least three or four times before I caught them. I kept nodding off.

Don’t give up on us, sugartits baby
We’re still worth one more try
I know we put our last one by

Who wants to chip in and send a fucking rhyming dictionary to Tony Macaulay? Again with the awkwardness! Does anybody even say phrases like that last one? I should have stayed asleep.

Bridge, motherfuckers!

I really lost my head last night (this supports my erectile dysfunction theory)
You’ve got a right (awkward rhyme alert!)
to stop believing
There’s still a little love left even so

Okay, I can’t take any more of this. No more lyric talk. Let’s talk about music instead (like that’s any relief). I’m sure there are real rock n’ roll instruments on this song somewhere, but I can’t hear a damn thing through the orchestra. Clearly the conductor called in sick, and the session musicians just had a field day; these guys are whacking off all over this song like it’s Peer Gynt. I thought I heard a guitar somewhere in the song…yup, there it is: a snippet at…nope, that’s not it…hang on, I know it’s here somewhere…yup, found it – 2:10. Two lines, and then it’s bitchslapped by the flugelhorn. There’s a little bit of guitar at the end, too – right around 3:27. I’d like to think that the guitarist believed “Don’t Give Up On Us” was going to be his big break, only to be horribly disappointed with the five notes retained in the final mix. I’d also like to think that the guitarist was, like, Walter Becker or something.

Something interesting does happen in “Don’t Give Up On Us,” from a musical standpoint: there’s a key change fake-out, and then the actual key change is completely unexpected. I don’t expect you to listen to the whole song to find these two spots, so here you go: the fake-out is at around 1:30, coming out of the bridge, and the actual key change is at 2:42. Soul, as well as his backing singers (Soullettes? Soullesses?) all sing through the key change, and it sounds awkward as all hell. I don’t know who made these decisions. Clive Davis?

Enough with the blah-blah-blah. Let’s watch the video!

[youtube]P14BZVmbaEY[/youtube]

I love this video. I love the fact that we see multiple, seemingly body-less David Souls. I love that there are tons – tons! – of awkward, contemplative poses in between verses (that’s the actor in him, you know). And most of all, I love his haircut. He’s dangerously close to this guy:

Right?

After the success of “Don’t Give Up On Us,” and Starsky and Hutch, David Soul did other things, I’m sure. But I can’t be bothered to look them up. I’ve spent too much time on this song. Suffice it to say that nothing really matched his previous successes (although playing Jerry Springer in Jerry Springer – The Opera in London was probably up there), but he did have a cameo in the movie version of Starsky and Hutch, and of course, Owen Wilson threw a little David Soul tribute in there as well:

[youtube]UnAXlUQp3jg[/youtube]

Completely off-topic, but why can’t even the most proficient actors fake playing the guitar?

Oh, and by the way, Terje wants you to know about one of David Soul’s follow-up songs. Eager to cash in on the success of his wussy plea, Soul recorded a song entitled – and this is no joke – “Can’t We Just Sit Down And Talk It Over.” It’s from his album of the same sentiment, Playing To An Audience Of One. Remember how Eddie Murphy used to joke about Teddy Pendergrass, who would “scare the bitches into liking him?” Soul went the complete opposite direction and tried to pity the women into digging his unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. However, his pity party didn’t work. You only get one shot, David. Look at Dan Hill. Or Michael “Bluer Than Blue” Johnson. I’m not including “Can’t We Just Sit Down And Talk It Over,” even though Terje probably wants me to torture you. Nor will I include “Wait, Where Are You Going, I Thought You Said You’d Listen To Me, Okay, Hear Me Out, Just Thirty Seconds And I Promise You Can Go, And I Won’t Follow You, I Swear.”

Thanks again to Malchus and Terje for convincing me to spend way too much time on this one. I’ll never forgive either of you. Thanks for reading, and see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Happy Fourth of July, dear readers! What better way to celebrate this country’s independence than to review yet another tale of unabashed codependency? And, of course, in conjunction with this fine holiday, you know which band I’m obligated to cover.

America – Sister Golden Hair (download)

Yes. Yesssss. Let the mellow flow through you!

Now, mind you, I love “Sister Golden Hair.” Like all the other classic America songs, it’s so darn sweet, melodic and catchy. (You may or may not recall me going ga-ga over their cover of “Winter Wonderland,” back during The Sixth Day Of Mellowmas.) Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but sing along, and that includes wah-wah’ing out the lead guitar line that opens the track.

That being said, my GOD were these guys pussies of the highest order or what? I wonder if there was ever a showdown – Gerry Beckley, Dewey Bunnell, and Dan Peek on one side, and England Dan and John Ford Coley on the other – in some sort of wuss-off. I don’t know, a “Who Can Tiptoe The Quietest Around The Ladies” contest or something. Everything about this song – from the meek vocal to some of the word choices in the lyrics – just screams “wuss.”

However, there’s a sentiment behind this song that is quite anti-Mellow Gold. I admit that I didn’t figure it out until recently, when I started to write this entry. If you don’t know the story behind the tune, the lyrics seem much wussier than they actually are. It’s about a man (and I use that term very, very loosely) who gets cold feet on his way to marry his lady (and I use the term accurately). Like I said: the anti-Mellow Gold. Mellow Deception, if you will. And I gotta tell you – a Mellow Man who’s not willing to commit makes absolutely no sense to me. This is really messing with my head right now.

Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damned depressed
That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed

These lyrics make perfect sense when the above background story is applied: it’s the day of the wedding, he’s all dolled up in his powder-blue ruffled tuxedo, but realizes he can’t take the plunge, so he takes off the badass suit. However, out of context, all you wonder is why our protagonist is making a big deal about taking off his clothes after being bummed out. Then again, I wouldn’t question most mellow artists over such a move. Y’know, they wanna get close to nature or something. Or they’re high.

I ain’t ready for the altar but I do agree there’s times
When a woman sure can be a friend of mine

I’m more of a music guy than a lyrics guy, but I do tend to prefer lyrics that actually sound like they’re taken from a real conversation. That first line is okay, but “when a woman sure can be a friend of mine” is just about the worst lyric imaginable (y’know, other than “the heat was hot” from “A Horse With No Name”).

Well, I keep on thinkin’ ’bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can’t live without you, can’t you see it in my eyes?

“Paul Is Dead” has absolutely nothing on the mysterious theories surrounding that first line. Who IS Sister Golden Hair, anyway (and more importantly, why do we care)? I keep thinking of Cousin Itt, personally, but that’s not as wacky as some of the other ideas as to the identity of this mysterious woman. Some think that it’s just a lover. Some think that it’s a nun (“Sister”). Some think that it’s Stevie Nicks. (I made that up, but it’s not really too far-fetched, is it?) But my favorite theory is that Sister Golden Hair is actually…his half-sister. I swear I’m not making this up – check out the Songfacts page, and look for the unbearably long comment. Here’s just a snippet. Educate us, Rob from Toronto:

The song is about a letter he writes to her after years of painful waiting for her to catch up to him in years and reach adulthood, and to see if they can move on without one-another, metaphorically, sunday but then monday means several painful years of tenuous, cautious, cat-like commitment to being there when she’s ready.

I realize the irony in making fun of a person like Rob, who sits around all day, deeply analyzing Mellow Gold songs like “Sister Golden Hair.” But fuck it, I’m making fun of him anyway. “Tenuous, cautious, cat-like commitment?” Dude, I’m not saying you’re interested in your own half-sister, but just in case, I’d put your relatives on high alert.

I’ve been one poor correspondent, and I’ve been too, too hard to find
But it doesn’t mean you ain’t been on my mind

Imagine for a second that you’re the bride, standing in front of a church of 80 people, wondering where your groom is. When he finally shows up, he gives you this line. How long before you kick him in the nuts?

Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?

What?

Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?

Another line that seems much wussier without the background story. “Will you love me just a little” is on the same level as “Do you have a love I can borrow?”. However, when the asshole-ditching-the-bride theory is applied, I actually find myself a little appalled that this guy is asking the bride to actually backtrack. “No, no, don’t love me like ‘you wanna marry me’ love me. Love me just a little. Just enough to show you care, so I can go back to watching the game.”

Well I tried to fake it, I don’t mind sayin’, I just can’t make it

While normally a phrase like “I just can’t make it” is par for the course around here, when put into context, we can only draw one conclusion. This guy is a Mellow Dick.

Okay, enough with the lyrical analysis. So the guy’s a jerk. It doesn’t change the fact that America were right up there with the best of the Mellow Gold artists, and “Sister Golden Hair” is a terrific, wimpy tune. Who doesn’t love this music? It’s a wonderful gentle rock groove, dominated by acoustic guitars and fantastic backing vocals. Even the electric guitars are gentle enough that you barely notice ’em.

Here’s a great video of America performing “Sister Golden Hair” live:

[youtube]rQ3ax8NWNGA[/youtube]

I love this video for many reasons, but mainly because of the unabashed dorkiness of Gerry Beckley.

What was he, like, 14? Remind you of anyone?

Thanks for reading, as always, and see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

While I definitely think it’s too early in this site’s life to start reposting anything on a regular basis, it’s also the summer and I’m trying to take advantage of the season instead of spending all of my free moments hunkering down in front of my laptop. So occasionally, I’ll be reposting some of my Mellow favorites. Feel free to comment or ignore. I’ll be back for Chart Attack! on Friday; until then, remember how freaking LAME Paul Davis was?

We’ll talk about Paul Davis: The Man, The Myth, The Gentle in a minute. First, let’s get into the music.

Paul Davis – I Go Crazy (download)

Grab the song first, then we’ll talk.

What problem might I have with “I Go Crazy,” you may be wondering. It’s a valid question. After all, it’s pretty enough. Gentle vocal (and some unexpected ventures into the bass range). Light, unobtrusive strings. A 5-note riff on the keyboard after the chorus, stolen from Dennis DeYoung’s “Babe,” (update: reader Jhensy has pointed out that “Babe” came out after this single, so if anything, DeYoung is the dirty thief) that is guaranteed to become an earworm (or, near the end of the song, a buzzing fly). I don’t quite get the bluesy keyboard riffing at the end, but I’ll forgive it.

My problem is this.

Think of the songs you know that mention “going crazy” somehow in the title. I came up with “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince, “I Go Crazy” by Queen (a b-side, but I’m a big Queen fan) and of course, who could forget the classic “Goin’ Crazy!” by David Lee Roth? (all of us, apparently.)

But here’s my point. All of these songs that mention going crazy have a sound reminiscent of someone perhaps, oh, I don’t know…going crazy. Not Paul Davis, however.

Here. Just for the hell of it, here’s a crude mashup of the four tracks. Excuse the sonic quality; I’m trying to prove a point. Tell me if one of these things is not like the others.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/crazymash.mp3]

At no point in “I Go Crazy” does Paul Davis actually sound like he’s really going crazy. Going Introspective? Maybe. Going Doubtful and Inquisitive? Sure. But we all know what this song should have been called. It should have been called “I Go Mellow.”

If Paul Davis is indeed going crazy when he looks in her eyes, then my friends, it’s the wussiest kind of crazy there could ever be. And that’s why it’s in the mines of Mellow Gold.

So listen back to those vocals. If you don’t already know what Paul Davis looks like, get an image in your head.

Whatcha got? Accountant? Small lil’ guy, neat, black hair? Maybe a suit? That’s what I’ve got. In fact, if you do a Google image search for Paul Davis, many of the images seem like they could be him.

This is Paul “I Go Crazy” Davis.

Motherfucker looks like Gregg Allman! This guy should be…I don’t know. Ripping a mean guitar solo? Smoking dope? Having his way with women? And instead, he’s approaching them gently, and giving them the message that he’d like to love them just a little bit, and if they’re not happy with it, then TOO DAMN BAD, WOMAN then it’s okay, they can leave, they don’t have to stay. He doesn’t want to offend anyone. (Looks down at the ground, shyly, shuffles his feet)

Which brings us to song #2.

Paul Davis – Cool Night (download)

I ask you this: do they get any smoother? Any more mellow? I seriously don’t think it’s possible.

Like “I Go Crazy,” this song is actually quite pretty. Gentle, unobtrusive backing vocals. This one actually has a drum beat to it, which means that it’s considered a Paul Davis “rock” song, I suppose. There are two main differences between “I Go Crazy” and “Cool Night,” however: the first difference is that “Cool Night” sounds exactly like you’d expect it to sound. Unlike track 1, we’re not expecting Paul Davis to go batshit insane on a song called “Cool Night.”

The other difference happens at 2:33. Paul Davis actually does go a little crazy. He lets his Gregg Allman-esque hair down and does something truly ballsy: KEY CHANGE!

I love the key change. When I sing this song to myself, I never have the patience to get to the chorus after the guitar solo. I always do the key change right away. That’s how much I love the key change.

I quoted him last week, but I’m repeating Mike’s quote in case you missed it. Mike sums up the emotion behind many of the Mellow Gold hits:

“I love you so much that I will never bother you again” or “come on baby, just allow me to be in your beatific presence and I will not even think of putting any kind of sexual move on you. I promise.”

That’s “Cool Night” in a nutshell. “If it don’t feel right, you can go.” I almost can’t believe he’s making the statement. A guy who looks like that? Come ON! I keep wondering if it’s a Jedi mind trick of some sort. Does the woman stay? Does she leave him to go find the guy from Firefall? (Whoa!) It’s a mystery, friends. A cool, mellow mystery.

I was going to end this post after two songs, but what the hell. Paul Davis had one more Mellow Gold hit in the ’80s.

Paul Davis – ’65 Love Affair (download)

Or as I like to call it, “The Boy From New York City.” I mean, come on. Right from the first few notes, I heard the similarities – and this was before the “doo-wop didddy-wop-diddy-wop doo” bit. Hmmm…the keyboard part in “I Go Crazy,” and now this…is Paul Davis pulling a Robbie Dupree?

If “Cool Night” was considered Paul Davis’ “rock sound,” “’65 Love Affair” features him firmly ensconsed in the “speed metal” phase of his career. Could we have done something about those drums? How about that awful 2-beat hit that’s supposed to sound like clapping or…something?

I’m not saying that Davis didn’t do a semi-respectable job of resurrecting the golden-oldie soul sound. However, the lyrics leave a little tons to be desired: “Well I asked you like a dum-dum/You were bad with your pom-poms/You said, ‘ooh wah go team ooh wah go!’ Ooh-ee baby I want you to know/” And he does mention in the chorus:”’65 love affair, we wasn’t getting nowhere.” I wonder if it’s because he told the girl she could leave if it didn’t feel right?

“I Go Crazy,” “Cool Night,” “’65 Love Affair.” I’m using all of these songs to make a point. That point is this: Paul Davis is a sissy.

I kid, I kid. I give Paul Davis credit, actually: the pop sensibilities of both “’65 Love Affair” and “Cool Night” were a departure from his previous country sound, and Davis was so disgusted with the commercialization of his music that he essentially quit the business altogether. Can you blame him? Look at those “’65 Love Affair” lyrics again. Also, here’s a crazy fact: Paul Davis was shot in 1986…and survived! (No word on whether he was shot by the woman who left because it didn’t feel right.)

Paul Davis seems to be doing just fine these days. He lives in Mississippi and likes to fish.

You have to wonder, though: did Paul Davis kill the fish? Did he catch it and tell it that it could go back in the water with the other fishes if it wasn’t happy? When the boat stalls, does he mutter “I Go Crazy?”

Hope you enjoyed this expedition into the Mines of Mellow Gold. Let’s do it again next week!

A quick anecdote before we start today: on Saturday, Mike and I did one of our “Acoustic ’80s” gigs. In between songs, we somehow wound up mentioning Little River Band, which was met with unexpected enthusiasm from the crowd. Mike started playing the opening of “Reminiscing,” and before we knew it, we were doing the entire song (I had no idea I knew all the words). The crowd response made it clear that we’ll have to do a Mellow Gold acoustic duo evening at some point in time. Stay tuned.

Silver – Wham Bam (download)

I need to make something very clear to you right now: I did not pick this song. I’d never heard of it before, none of you had mentioned it in the comments, and I never received any e-mails requesting this song. Rather, this song picked me. It showed up on my iPod last Wednesday as I was running for a morning bus, and I was blown away that I had never heard it before (there are only 9,319 songs on my iPod, after all, a number that doesn’t even make sense to me), and that nobody ever requested it. This song may be more on the pop side of mellow, but it’s mellow. And even better, there’s some great, truly classic record label drama behind this song. I can’t wait to share it with you.

But clearly, the first question on your mind is: who the hell is Silver, and why should I give a shit? That’s an excellent question, especially since the band’s Wiki page doesn’t even bother to list all the members. For the record, though, the members were:

John Batdorf (of the duo Batdorf & Rodney, and I’m scared to see what you’ll write about them in the comments)
Brent Mydland (who eventually became “the new guy” in the Grateful Dead)
Tom Leadon (Bernie Leadon’s brother)
Steve Oates (John’s brother…okay, I’m making this one up. This guy’s not even in the band.)
Greg Collier (who?)
Harry Stinson (wha?)

And yes, THE Phil Hartman designed their record cover.

To quote Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, it’s like a Who’s Who of Who Cares.

There’s not much to say about these guys. They formed, put out this one album, and then broke up. “Wham Bam,” also known as “Wham Bam Shang-A-Lang,” was their only hit, peaking at #16 in August of 1976. Although it’s often labeled as “bubblegum,” I think it has plenty of the traits we’ve come to love from our Mellow Gold tunes.

Lots of strings……check!
Whiny guitars…….check!
Gentle drums…….check!
Limp backing vocals….check!
Stupid lyrics in the verses….check!
Even stupider lyrics in the chorus….check check check check check!

Let’s look at some of these. I won’t torture you too much with the lyrics, I promise. Just the first four lines.

Starry nights, sunny days
I always thought that love should be that way
Then comes a time that you’re ridden with doubt
You’ve loved all you can and now you’re all loved out

That’s right: “You’ve loved all you can and now you’re all loved out.” That’s just painful. And I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t point out the shitty chorus.

We got a wham (!) bam (!) shang-a-lang and a sha-la-la-la-la-la thing

Those exclamation points in there are to replace the strings that attack in between those words, by the way. I consider them to be part of the lyrics.

What the hell are these guys talking about? What does it mean? What point were they trying to get across? Next time Jessica and I have another one of our fights (“It’s McD or me!”), I’ll grab her by the arm, look her deep in the eyes, and inform her that she can’t possibly leave me. Not with all that we have together. After all, doesn’t she realize what she’d be giving up? We got a wham (!) bam (!) shang-a-lang and a sha-la-la-la-la-la thing. And then I’ll watch her run the hell out the door, never to return.

But here’s the real problem I’m having: I can’t get this chorus out of my head. The critics are right: it definitely is a bubblegum pop song. They sound like The Archies (who also had a shang-a-lang in one of their songs). I’ve been singing it for the past week, kinda groovin’ in my chair, and sticking my hand up in the air each time the strings attack in the chorus.

Don’t get me started on the rest of the lyrics. They’re inane. Pointless. Idiotic. Most Mellow Gold lyrics are pathetically impassioned. That’s not the case here. Just stupidity, repeated for three and-a-half minutes.

Sometimes I feel bad ripping on songs like these, but I’m not feeling any remorse over this one. You know why? Well, remember the story of Climax Blues Band and “I Love You” – how all of the members, save for one, hated “I Love You?” Well, this is kinda like that, except everyone in Silver hated “Wham Bam.” And you know who gets the blame? John Batdorf, who put fame and fortune above musical quality as a career goal. I know all of this because I’ve read Batdorf’s extensive history of Batdorf & Rodney, which includes Silver. It’s an interesting read, but it’s long, so here are the important parts.

Batdorf & Rodney were an acoustic duo known for their inspired instrumental jams. After having some success under the tutelage of Ahmet Ertegun, the guys broke up, only to reunite and sign with Clive Davis over at Arista. Davis had just experienced great success in getting Barry Manilow to record “Mandy,” a song that Manilow despised, but nonetheless was a gigantic hit. Batdorf & Rodney, eager to finally get the fame and fortune they desired, acquiesced to Davis’ desires, which included recording outside material and slicing the guitar solos out of all of their songs for their upcoming album. As Batdorf puts it, “it’s hard to argue with the man who made Barry Manilow a superstar…the album sold more than our previous albums so we went with it and kept our creative disagreements to a minimum.” And that, my friends, is how John Batdorf sold his soul.

So Davis brought them this song called “Somewhere In The Night,” which he knew was about to be released by Helen Reddy (and if Alan O’Day’s name just popped into your head, you are a true fan of this website). Davis wanted to get the single out before Reddy’s version did. Batdorf loved the song, but there was a catch: the duo had to also record “Wham Bam,” a song Davis was convinced would be a hit. Batdorf hated the idea and despised the song, but by now you know what Batdorf chose to do.

The duo recorded both songs, and Davis decided he didn’t care for Rodney’s parts. He had an outsider sing on “Somewhere In The Night,” and had Batdorf double track his vocal over Rodney’s on “Wham Bam.” Still, fame was on its way, right? They couldn’t possibly give up now!

“Somewhere In The Night” debuted at #80, but Reddy’s management figured out what was going on, and told the radio stations that they’d never get a song by Reddy again if they continued to play the Batdorf & Rodney version. The stations caved, and the duo’s song was dropped. Reddy’s version went to #19, but guess who brought it all the way to #9 in January of 1979? Barry Manilow. LOVE IT!

Rodney – and I have no idea why it took him this long – was fed up, and the duo split. Batdorf formed Silver, and…well, I’ll let Batdorf tell it:

Clive heard us and told us if we released “Wham Bam” as Silver’s first single he would sign us to an album deal. What choice did we have? (Jason’s note: I dunno, walk away with what was left of your pride and dignity?) We replaced Mark’s parts and went on to cut the album. The single was a big hit but the album sounded nothing like the single and we didn’t draw well. We were a West coast sounding band with a stupid bubble gum single.

When it came time for Silver’s second album, Davis again wanted the group to bend to his will. Batdorf refused. The group eventually dissolved, and that was the last anybody ever heard of Silver.

If you’re still with me after all this text…is that a great story or what? In all honesty, I doubt I would have done anything different from Batdorf. I’ve done some pretty stupid things for money. Hell, I’ve done some pretty stupid things on this website. Still, it’s interesting to see how a string of fucked-up priorities led to this lame, yet ultimately successful tune.

See you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines of Mellow Gold!