That’s right, folks. Twenty days. Twenty days of Mellowmas. But we can’t turn back now. We’re so close to the ending. Today, let’s visit a true Mellow Gold icon, shall we?  And let’s visit him not once, but twice!
Christopher Cross – A Dream Of Peace At Christmastime (download or stream below)

From A Christopher Cross Christmas iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Christopher Cross – A Dream Of Peace At Christmastime.mp3]

Jason: Wow, he just comes right in, doesn’t he? No warning. Just straight in, through the chimney, all over the cupcakes on my kitchen table.

Jeff: It’s Christmas time!

Jason: Is it Christmas time?

Jeff: It’s Christmas time!

Jason: He’s only mentioned it like four fucking times in a row. It’s CHRISTMAS TIIIIIIIME! Oh wait, that’s Fogelmas.

Jeff: He sounds exactly the same way he did in 1980.

Jason: Is that a compliment or an insult?

Jeff: ‘Tis the season to stop and ponder, Jason.

Jason: I’m pondering, Jeff. I’m pondering.

Jeff: Ponder…did Chris sell those Grammies?

Jason: AUGH!! KIDS!

Jeff: Ahhh! Kids! I wonder if he borrowed them from Mike Love? I think the same asshole designed the covers for both of their Christmas projects.

Jason: Cross’s daughter has got to be on this, right?

Jeff: I looked in the booklet. Incredibly, she is not.

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: She was probably busy. “Sorry, Dad, I’ve got something…else…going on.”

Jason: But you know what I’m really pondering? Why I actually like this album.

Jeff: I know. Because you’re a pussy.

Jason: I mean, don’t get me wrong. This song sucks. This is not one of the ones I like. But I like a good number of them.

Jeff: I wish he’d redone “Sailing” as “Santa.”

Jason: Ha! That would have been awesome!

Jeff: You feel differently about different songs on this album? I think they all sound like this. So gentle. So soft.

Jason: Well, they’re all gentle and sensitive, yes. But some of them are good.

Jeff: Christmastime! Christmastime!

Jason: When this is over, I’ll find an example of one I like.

Jeff: I’ll try to stay awake.

Jason: AUGH! ACAPELLA ENDING! KIDS! I just threw up into my egg nog.

Jeff: Chris would have finished that, you know.

Jason: Okay. I know I’m setting myself up for ridicule here, but what else is new. Let me pick one that I actually rated four stars in iTunes. I gave five of the songs on the album a four-star rating.

Jeff: Five out of ten, right?

Jason: five out of twelve.

Jeff: Wow, you operate on a twelve-star system? Strange, but okay.

Jason: Oh, I thought you were asking how many songs on the album I rated with four stars.

Jeff: I thought I was the one getting sleepy here.

Jason: “Silent Night,” “Christmastime is Here,” “The Christmas Song,” “Does It Feel Like Christmas” and “Do You Hear What I Hear.” Pick one.

Jeff: Hmm. Let’s play “Do You Hear What I Hear.”

Jason: Good choice.

Christopher Cross – Do You Hear What I Hear (download or stream below)

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Christopher Cross – Do You Hear What I Hear.mp3]

Jason: Triangle! Triangle, bitches! The triangle is so underused.

Jeff: 12-string!

Jason: Those guitars sound nice.

Jeff: He’s sort of rocking here. Not really, but a little.

Jason: Well, as much as he can. I think his vocal sounds quite pretty. Seriously.

Jeff: His vocals always sound pretty. I’d love to hear him do some Sabbath.

Jason: Ha! Or Slipknot. And I think the guitars are recorded and mixed quite well.

Jeff: Yes, it’s all done quite professionally.

Jeff: Except for the cover. I can’t believe he paid someone to do that artwork.

Jason: Well, he probably spent all his money on recording. Recording and pizza. And donuts. Key change!

Jeff: Do you hear what I hear, Jason? I hear a career softly dying.

Jason: Do you eat what I eat? Do you binge what I binge?

Jeff: A bag of chalupas big as the sea.

Jason: I love how Christopher Cross equals chalupas for you. I don’t think I’ve ever questioned it. I don’t want to question it. I believe in it.

Jeff: I think you started that gag, actually. Last Mellowmas.

Jason: I did? Wow, I’m funny.

Jeff: I believe you did, yes.

Jason: Light organ in the background! Oooh! Christopher Cross-ish bridge!

Jeff: Let us! Bring him! Silver and gold!

Jason: (Silver and gold! Silver and gold!)

Jeff: Ugh…there are still two minutes left in this thing?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I’m fine with it.

Jeff: Where’s a fadeout when you need one?

Jason: And, for the record, I like this better than Celine Dion, for any of you reading who are comparing my enjoyment of this song to that one. I think it’s pretty.

Jeff: Pamela Anderson used to be pretty. She still made bad movies.

Jason: He will bring us goodness and light, Jeff. And jelly donuts.

Jeff: He better bring us something. I’m getting tired of waiting.

Jason: I’m all for this track. I’m in full support of it. I feel another bridge coming on. And there it is! (Goodness and light!)

Jeff: I’m pretty sure you’re going to get a heartfelt e-mail from Christopher Cross for this. It’ll be Cross pretending to be his own publicist, but still.

Jason: The only artist I’ve ever heard from is Bill Danoff from Starland Vocal Band, as we talked about last week. Even Alan O’Day didn’t write to me, which still hurts my feelings.

Jeff: Even Alan O’Day is probably busier than Christopher Cross.

Jason: And now that I know Jim Nabors is alive, where the fuck is he? Call me, Jim!

Jeff: He’s sharpening his straight razor!

Jason: To the tune of “O Holy Night”: “JASON, THIS IS JIIIIIIM”

Jeff: God, does that sound creepy. shivers

Jason: Wouldn’t it be great if Nabors talked like he sung? “I WOULD LIKE A TAAAAAACOOOOO!” Are all of our Mellowmas entries bringing us back to Nabors?

Jeff: He has a certain magnetism about him, doesn’t he?

Jason: it’s the white pants, I think.

Jeff: He could be the white James Earl Jones!

Jason: gasp YES! You’ve nailed it!

Jeff: “THIIIIIIIIIIS IS CNN!”

Jason: I’d watch it. But we’re getting off-topic here. I’ll go ahead and ask. Was I wrong for rating “Do You Hear What I Hear” with 4 stars?

Jeff: I personally would have given it 2.5, but your standards are your own. If you think that’s a four-star song, then more power to you.

Jason: That answer leaves me unsatisfied, somehow.

Jeff: As does this song.

Jason: Like I only ate one chalupa or something.

Jeff: Or drew one cartoon flamingo.

Jason: Well, I am recommending at least those four songs to Mellowmas readers. Check ’em out on iTunes. Christopher Cross needs a new pair of everything. Are there any you like?

Jeff: There aren’t any I hate. I think the whole thing is very well made. It’s just sort of boring. If you’re a boring person, readers, then this is the Christmas album for you.

Jason: I know I’m a boring person.

Jeff: And yes, Christopher Cross could probably use the dough. Stop on by iTunes. Don’t be shy. Tell ’em we sent you. Just don’t tell them the rest of what we said.

Jason: Which dough are you speaking of?

Jeff: Churro dough!

Happy (or not-so-happy) Day 19 of Mellowmas! As some of you know, Jeff and I have an unfortunate habit of sending crappy music to each other. (See my previous posts reviewing Only In America and Metal Machine Music – this series, now known as Earmageddon, shall continue in the future with the Milli Vanilli Remix album Jeff sent to me last Spring.) While covering “You Light Up My Life” for an October CHART ATTACK!, I came across this album. Of course, I sent it immediately to Jeff.

Debby Boone – I’ll Be Home For Christmas (download or stream below)
From Home For Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Debby%20Boone%20-%20I%27ll%20Be%20Home%20For%20Christmas.mp3]

Jeff: Ominous.

Jason: Nice string opening. Why do I feel like this has nothing to do with the shit we are about to hear?

Jeff: Why do I feel like I’m being punched in the eardrums by Lawrence Welk?

Jason: There she is! The Boonester! She lights up my tree!

Jeff: She sounds a little like Linda Ronstadt on those Nelson Riddle records, doesn’t she? She promises youuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Jason: She has a real musical theatre thing going on. Like, in her mind, she’s on a stage, walking sideways, facing the audience, and there are about 50 chorus girls behind her. Dressed like nuns.

Jeff: You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever listened to this song and felt like I was being threatened.

Jason: How do you mean?

Jeff: Like, she’ll be home for Christmas. Whether I like it or not.

Jason: Oh, I getcha.

Jeff: No matter where I go. She’ll be there. Don’t come home for Christmas, Debby. Also, tell your parents that it’s Debbie.

Jason: I don’t know. It’s not really that bad, to be honest. I think this had the potential to be much worse.

Jeff: It had the potential to have a tempo, too.

Jason: String solo! Take it, orchestra!

Jeff: …and the orchestra falls asleep.

Jason: I was hoping for a spoken-word part in the middle, like in “I’ve Never Been To Me.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha! Only if she lowered her voice and said “baby” a lot. “I’ll be home for Christmas, baby.”

Jason: “You know, everybody, it’s true. I will be home for Christmas. And you know who else will be home for Christmas? Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And I wish you all the best this holiday season. Unless you’re a Jew.”

Jeff: This is so goddamn slow. I feel like I’m dragging Debby Boone through the snow.

Jason: Meh, I don’t know, Jeff. It wasn’t really that offensive.

Jeff: It’s very bland.

Jason: When I sent you this entire album, I was hoping for something more torturous, I guess.

Jeff: Personally, I hate it. If you think it’s so good, I’ll be happy to send it to you. Twice, even.

Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t go overboard. But I sent you an entire album. Surely there’s something else on there that’s actually truly horrible. But I bet you can’t answer that question. Because YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO IT.

Jeff: Not even a little.

Jason: Goddammit!

Jeff: Goddamn you!

Jason: Do you know how many Christmas songs I’ve listened to this holiday season?

Jeff: Where’s my Milli Vanilli remix Earmageddon post?

Jason: Don’t change the subject. Do you know how many?

Jeff: Something like…600?

Jason: 980.

Jeff: That’s impressive. You’re like an elf.

Jason: And you can’t listen to like 10 tracks? You have let me down.

Jeff: That’s fine.

Jason: That’s fine?

Jeff: You go ahead and say that.

Jason: I just did!

Jeff: I know, and that’s fine.

Jason: I’m just saying.

Jeff: Have you listened to the whole Jim Nabors album? HAVE YOU?

Jason: Uhhhh….

Jeff: That’s what I thought. You dick.

Jason: Shit! I have it in my apartment, though.

Jeff: I have Debby in my office.

Jason: We had a Christmas party on Saturday, and I figured people would be rifling through the medicine cabinet, because that’s what they do, right? So I put the Jim Nabors album in the medicine cabinet.

Jeff: YES. Fuck the cabinet! You should have turned it on!

Jason: Ha! I figure anybody who went looking for my erectile dysfunction meds was in for an even bigger surprise. Nabors in the bathroom! BOOO-YA!

Jeff: I wish you had played it during the party. Mellowmas Mix ’07.

Jason: The bathroom would have sounded like it smelled.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Just a week left until Christmas, everybody – as if all this terrible music wasn’t a nagging reminder!

Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over) (download or stream below)
From The Christmas Album Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over).mp3]

Jason: Wow, THAT’S a lower key.

Jeff: Kids!

Jason: You know, I still have a soft part in my heart for this song. The original. Nobody should ever cover it. Ever.

Jeff: That’s like starting a fight by kicking someone in the nuts. He just whips out the schmaltz cannon right away.

Jason: “Yeah, hope you have fun!”

Jeff: And SO this is ChristMAS!

Jason: I love how he speaks the end of most of his lines.

Jeff: Have I mentioned how much I hate Neil Diamond’s music?

Jason: “The Jazz Singer” was one of the first movies I remember loving, actually. I was six. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

Jeff: Of all the horrible things you’ve told me about your childhood, that might be the worst.

Jason: I’m going to regret it, I know.

Jeff: Even doing this wonderful song, he sounds like he’s standing in a stadium, legs spread, pointing at the sweaty housewives in the front row.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Horns! “COME ON! ” I wonder who the kids are. I wonder if they’re the same kids Kenny and Dolly used.

Jeff: Maybe they’re all Neil’s.

Jason: Oooh, Neil’s getting gritty!

Jeff: Fucking hell, this sounds like a Neil Diamond parody.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like the message and emotion behind this song has been sucked out.

Jeff: I don’t know how that makes it different from actual Neil Diamond. Actually, I guess it doesn’t.

Jason: Oh shit, adults AND kids on the backing vocals!

Jason: How many fucking times is he going to say “Come on?” Oooh, electric guitar!

Jeff: He’s trying to out-Cliff Richard Cliff Richard.

Jason: YES! That’s perfect, Jeff. He kicked out the kids! They’re gone now!

Jeff: I feel sick.

Jason: Shit, how many voices are going to show up? He’s going to close it with the kids! “Yes it is.” Oooh, and he’s not changing that last chord. How…edgy. Santa on the rocks. Ain’t no big surprise.

Jeff: That song made my son cry. I love my son.

Jason: Jesus, he has two Christmas albums. And a video.

Jeff: Where’s the Hanukkah love, Neil DIAMOND?

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: You fuckin’ sellout!

Jason: Nobody buys Hanukkah albums! Well, except for you.

Jeff: Who buys Neil Diamond albums? The same idiots who’d buy his Hanukkah record.

Jason: And speaking of which, we have Christmas songs and even a Kwanzaa song – but no Hanukkah represented!

Jeff: You know why?

Jason: Because you hate the Jews?

Jeff: I’ll tell you why.

Jason: Tell me why.

Jeff: It’s very simple. There are no shitty Hanukkah songs.

Jason: …there aren’t?

Jeff: None.

Jason: You’ve actually listened to a bunch, haven’t you.

Jeff: I have, in fact. I’m an ardent supporter of Hanukkah music.

Jason: I refuse to believe it. Readers, help us out. Prove Jeff wrong. Send him a shitty Hanukkah song.

Jeff: But it has to be shitty like these ones are shitty.

Jason: And if you send him “Rock of Ages” by Marc Cohn, he’ll start to cry. He has such a boner for that song. Hahah, I totally outed you as gay for Marc Cohn’s Jewish music.

Jeff: I won’t deny it. It’s true. I love that song.

Jason: Why don’t you marry Marc Cohn, then. You guys can have a nice Jewish wedding. He’ll even let you step on the glass.

Jeff: I did that at my wedding.

Jason: Marc Cohn let you step on the glass at your wedding? You married Marc Cohn? Now I feel sick.

Jeff: I performed one of his songs.

Jason: Was it “Rock Of Ages?” And were you able to get through it without crying?

Jeff: Ha!

Happy Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas! Just eight days until Christmas…and then this will all be over. Until then, just grin and bear it while Jeff and I devolve into perverse sexual references and mocking each other’s mom.

Felix Cavaliere – Christmas In Your Arms (download or stream below)
From A Classic Rock Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Felix Cavaliere – Christmas in Your Arms.mp3]

Jason: Hahahahah! I don’t know why that opening made me laugh.

Jeff: It’s an involuntary reflex. Like gagging. Which is what I did when the vocals came in.

Jason: The acoustic guitars were nice, but the synths? Totally unnecessary. This song has nothing to do with Christmas, I bet.

Jeff: “Christmas in your arms is my dream.”

Jason: He probably just inserted “Christmas” instead of whatever word was there before. Like “my balls.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes!

Jason: “My balls in your arms is my dream.”

Jeff: “A Cleveland Steamer.”

Jason: “A Donkey Punch.”

Jeff: “A Dirty Sanchez.” “A One-Eyed Redskin.”

Jason: Whoa, I don’t know that one!…Wait, are we just naming gross things now?

Jeff: I think we are.

Jason: I’m waiting for a Christmas-specific lyric. There isn’t one yet.

Jeff: This song is stupid.

Jason: Wait, he just said something about…spices. And he just said “the THOUGHT that I’ll be near you,” and I could have sworn he said “FUCK that I’ll be near you.” Oooh, acoustic guitar solo!

Jeff: VERY tasteful. I wish he’d shut up.

Jason: I don’t even know who this guy is. Do we call him when José Feliciano can’t make it to the studio?

Jeff: I think his kid was a child guitar prodigy.

Jason: It’s time to cherish all the love you’ve given my balls. I mean, me.

Jeff: Do not ask me why I think this.

Jason: With a name like Felix Cavaliere, can you do anything else but play guitar?

Jeff: Ha! I’d like to play this song for every woman I know, and ask them how they’d react if a guy performed it for them. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

Jason: Dude, when I hear those synths going in and out of the left/right channels, I get a little nauseous. There was very little that was Christmasy about that song.

Jeff: You’re just saying that because he’s Mexican.

Jason: Again with you trying to make me into a racist for no apparent reason. Is this because I said that the Pendergrass song sounded like it was “Congo” by Genesis?

Jeff: If your main concern is that the reason isn’t apparent, why don’t you just come out and tell everyone what the reason is? Go ahead.

Jason: No, you tell me. I want to know. Also, I don’t really know what we’re talking about or where this came from. So lay it on me, Jefito Claus.

Jeff: I’m not telling everyone about what happened between your mother and the gardener. That’s your secret to share.

Jason: You’ve been watching too much “Desperate Housewives.”

Jeff: Either way, I totally understand why you’re a racist.

Jason: I can tell them what happened with me and your mother. Stuffing of the stocking was involved. Something was hung by the chimney with care.

Jeff: That didn’t make you a racist. It just made you take penicillin for awhile.

Jason: A while?

Jeff: Oh, still?

Jason: She packs a powerful punch.

Jeff: Well. Make sure you finish your prescription.

Jason: Wait. Are we talking about my mom or your mom? I get so confused.

Jeff: I think we’re talking about Felix Cavaliere and why he sucks.

Jason: Oh, that’s right. Thank you.

Jeff: Happy Mellowmas, everyone!

Jason: …and scene!

Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.

Celine Dion – The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Blah Blah Blah) (download or stream below)
From These Are Special Times Amazon iTunes

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[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Celine Dion – The Christmas Song.mp3]

Jeff: I hate this already.

Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.

Jeff: Oh, but I do.

Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?

Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”

Jeff: I know you did.

Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”

Jeff: That still troubles me.

Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”

Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!

Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”

Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.

Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.

Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.

Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.

Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.

Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?

Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.

Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.

Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.

Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.

Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.

Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.

Jeff: You’re ill.

Jason: I’m totally ill.

Jeff: It’s terrible.

Jason: I’m just being honest.

Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??

Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!

Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?

Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.

Jason: David Foster hates us.

Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.

Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.

Jeff: Oh, totally.

Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”

Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”

Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”

Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”

Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.

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