10.  Let Me Love You Tonight – Pure Prairie League 

Lazy-Ass Song #1!  I don’t need to tell you much about this one, because I analyzed it to death (unfortunately, perhaps) in Mellow Gold #29.  Suffice it to say that "Let Me Love You Tonight" is what happens when David Sanborn and Vince Gill French-kiss.

9.  Let’s Get Serious – Jermaine Jackson

I try not to make a big deal about the sacrifices I make to put up Mellow Gold and Chart Attack! every week.  However, I think it’s important that you know that I listened to nearly eight freaking minutes of "Let’s Get Serious" for this week’s entry.  It’s not that the song is bad at all – it’s actually quite catchy.  I just don’t need more than two, maybe three minutes of Jermaine Jackson at any given moment in time.  No, two.

As I began listening, my first thought was: "Jermaine!  Stevie Wonder called.  He wants ‘Do I Do’ back."  And then, at 2:50 (fifty seconds after the track should have ended, in my opinion), there’s Stevie himself, riffing on the chorus and adding a typical kick-ass vocal.  Turns out Stevie wrote and produced "Let’s Get Serious."  I admit to being a little surprised, as this song would have been a strong single for him; why give it to Jermaine?  Well, let’s just say that Jermaine’s career wasn’t doing all that well.  And let’s just say that Jermaine was married to Berry Gordy’s daughter, Hazel.  And let’s just say that Berry Gordy heard Stevie working on "Let’s Get Serious," and…get the picture?

This song peaked here at #9, but don’t feel too bad for Jermaine.  He’s had an impressive (for him, anyway) seven hits within the span of thirteen years, including a #18 hit called "Let Me Tickle Your Fancy" with backing vocals by Devo.  (Sometimes these entries just write themselves.)

Here’s Jermaine in his best white-guy outfit on Soul Train.  I don’t know why they got an edited version of the song and yet I was forced to listen to the whole thing.

[youtube]-3tw2TY2C4A[/youtube]

8.  Magic – Olivia Newton-John

Lazy-Ass Song #2!

Behind a sensuous, rhythmic beat, chiming guitars, and strings that weave up and down through the arrangement, Newton-John actually conjures up what I feel is a dynamo performance: the sensuousness and passion she puts into the song, which normally ends up sounding like soft breathing, are perfect this time out. She actually fits within the tune perfectly–not just singing the song, but a true instrument.

No, that’s not me who has the hots for "Magic."  That’s our buddy Matthew Bolin, over at All-Time Champion, who listed "Magic" as his Secret Shame Song.  And I’m going to back up the Magic Man here (no, I didn’t come up with that nickname, that’s all him).  It’s not that I absolutely love "Magic," but I do happen to absolutely love Olivia Newton-John singing "Magic."  Check out this clip.  Hubba hubba!

[youtube]8sXLkKflnis[/youtube]

This is not an invitation to remind me that I still haven’t listened to ELO, but you guys know that Xanadu is on Broadway now, right?  And it actually got a good review?

7.  Funkytown – Lipps Inc

That sound you’re hearing?  That’s disco taking its last breath.  I think that "Funkytown" might actually be my favorite song on the Top 10 this week, which is saying so very little.  Anyway, Lipps Inc (say it out loud) was formed by Steven Greenberg, who wrote, produced, and played most of the music.  He hired Cynthia Johnson, a model and singer, to handle lead vocal duties.  "Funkytown" was their only hit, although it should be noted that they did attempt a disco cover of Ace’s Mellow Gold classic "How Long."  (Shudder)

I know I totally rely on YouTube clips more than I should.  (Then again, some might argue that anything that breaks up my rambling is a good thing.)  But I absolutely need to show you this clip of two random women performing "Funkytown" on a television program.  The one girl, in black, is totally hot and a great dancer, although she doesn’t actually seem to do anything.  However, the girl "singing" lead is freaking my shit out.  I feel like if I stare at her too long, lasers are going to shoot out of her eyeballs and kill me. 

[youtube]3BiuttQl0xM[/youtube]

As you may remember, this song was covered by Pseudo Echo in 1987 for no apparent reason.

6.  Steal Away – Robbie Dupree 

Lazy-Ass Song #3!  "Steal Away" was covered way back in the early days (you know, September) of this site during our very first Mellow Gold mission, and I want you to know that my anger hasn’t faded one iota since then.  I still maintain that Dupree lifted this entire hook from my hero, Michael McDonald.  However, I’m trying not to focus on my anger.  At least something good came out of it, and I got to have a fun on-air conversation with radio legend Bob Shannon.  Yeah, I know I’m all about Bob this week, but dammit, he brought a tear to my eye when he returned to WCBS-FM yesterday and said his first words: "As I was about to say…"  Congrats, Bob!

5.  Cupid/I’ve Loved You For A Long Time – The Spinners

Let’s give kudos to The Spinners for their relatively consistent appearances on the US Hot 100 between 1972 and 1980, but this medley was pretty much the end of the line for them.  They had enjoyed great success with their "Working My Way Back to You"/"Forgive Me Girl" medley in 1979, climbing all the way to #2, so a repeat performance seemed like a smart move.  It was – this medley reached #4 – but their third attempt the next year didn’t even crack the Top 50.  I feel like the cards fell right where they should – their first medley was undoubtedly their strongest.

4.  Little Jeannie – Elton John (download)

I don’t want to like "Little Jeannie."  I feel like I shouldn’t like "Little Jeannie."  Not when it’s stuck being compared to, you know, anything Elton John released between 1970 and 1976.  But if I close my eyes real hard and pretend that this isn’t really Elton, I find that there’s something I just really like about it.  Especially that "you stepped into my life from a bad dream" refrain.  I could probably sing that all day.  Lame, right?  I feel the same about other songs from Elton’s "boring period" – "Kiss The Bride," "Mama Can’t Buy You Love," and "Nikita."  Wow, that’s a six-year span of boring.  This is what happens when you combine the massive drugs with the whole "marrying a girl" thing, I guess.  At least he didn’t put his head back in the oven.

3.  The Rose – Bette Midler 

I’d love to be able to hear this song and not think of all the people I’ve heard butcher it over the years.  Doesn’t matter where:  school, summer camp, auditions, talent shows…everybody wants to sing "The Rose."  I think it’s some teenage female rite of passage.  Still, it’s the best song Bette Midler has ever had on the charts.  Then again, the competition is stuff like "From A Distance," "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy."

If you have a soft spot for this song, you can read about its history at songwriter Amanda McBroom’s webpage.  Scary to think that McBroom found her inspiration only after hearing Leo Sayer on the radio.

2.  It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me – Billy Joel 

I like this song.  But then again, I don’t have a choice.  I’m from Long Island.  We’re required to like Billy Joel, especially songs that reference our fine, um, island.  This one namechecks the Miracle Mile – a long (a mile, perhaps?) stretch of stores along Northern Boulevard in Manhasset.  The main area of stores on the Miracle Mile is in a section called The Americana, and growing up, I went there every week or so because it housed the closest music store to my home, Record World.  It was just about the only store in The Americana that I could afford.  I guess I should start talking about Billy Joel now.

Taken from Billy’s "rock album" (which I only say to piss off Jeff), "It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me" was the first Billy Joel song to hit #1 (which it did a week later), and not a piano note anywhere.  Also notable is the fact that this song is from the era in which Billy Joel let his hair get totally out of control.

I recently downloaded a fantastic pro-shot DVD from Billy’s recent concert in Tokyo (you can find it on Dime if you have membership there), and in watching the whole show start-to-finish, I was reminded that Billy and his band know exactly when to place a song in a set.  Billy goes nonstop from "Big Shot" to "Rock and Roll" to "You May Be Right," and it packs a powerful punch.  Plus, he’s quite amusing when he puts away the piano and sings without any instruments.  I’m a sucker for his microphone stand tricks – I’d do half of them if only I didn’t run the risk of hitting one of our guitarists.  Here’s the version from Tokyo.

[youtube]WcuTTsn5TVM[/youtube]

1.  Coming Up (live at Glasgow) – Paul McCartney & Wings  (download)

Thankfully, it was the live version of this song that reached the top of the charts, because quite honestly, the studio version is horrible: apart from being a half-step lower, it doesn’t capture any of the joy, fun and overall optimism of this version.  Plus some really fun horns.  McCartney was writing lots of mindless, fun songs during this era: songs like "Goodnight Tonight,"  "Wonderful Christmastime," and "With A Little Luck," which all did quite well.  I would have guessed that John Lennon would have wound up banging his head on the table in frustration at a song like "Coming Up," but the truth is that the song reportedly inspired him to start recording again.

And here’s the video, featuring Macca times ten, in a group called "The Plastic Macs."  The results are much more interesting than when he repeated the idea for stupid "Ebony And Ivory."

[youtube]xvEQmyoP18E[/youtube]

The interesting thing about "Coming Up" is that the live version was included as the B-side to the studio version, and US jockeys completely ignored the A-side altogether.  Macca’s American record company encouraged him to put the live version on the upcoming release of McCartney II, but he refused – as a compromise, the live version was included on a 45 along with the album.  As the live version was topping the US charts, the studio version was reaching #2 in the UK.  Go figure.

10.  Angel – Madonna  Amazon iTunes
9.  Voices Carry – ‘Til Tuesday  Amazon iTunes
8.  Everytime You Go Away – Paul Young  Amazon iTunes
7.  You Give Good Love – Whitney Houston  Amazon iTunes
6.  Would I Lie To You? – Eurythmics  Amazon iTunes
5.  The Search Is Over – Survivor  Amazon iTunes
4.  Heaven – Bryan Adams  Amazon iTunes
3.  Raspberry Beret – Prince & The Revolution  Amazon iTunes
2.  A View To A Kill – Duran Duran  Amazon iTunes
1.  Sussudio – Phil Collins  Amazon iTunes

10.  Angel – Madonna

While Madonna has certainly had a number of fantastic dance singles, she’s also had her share of cookie-cutter songs that fail to bring anything interesting to the table.  "Angel" is one of them, with the exact same chord progression through 99% of the song.  I also throw "Dress You Up," "Burning Up" and "Causing A Commotion" into the same category.  Maybe I’m the only one who felt this way, though, because "Angel" performed quite admirably on the charts, peaking at #5 and becoming her third Top 10 of the year.  Interestingly enough, the B-side to "Angel" was "Into The Groove," which, despite its popularity from Desperately Seeking Susan, wasn’t released as a single in the U.S.  Madonna’s record company didn’t want the song to compete with "Angel."  Ultimately, the B-side wound up being the more memorable of the two.

9.  Voices Carry – ‘Til Tuesday 

I hear this song all the time, way more than I ever really want to hear it.  ‘Til Tuesday is the first artist listed alphabetically on my iPod, so if I ever accidentally hit the "play" button while it’s not on shuffle mode, "Voices Carry" comes on.  Other songs that have held this top spot:  "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, "How Long" by Ace, and "P.I.M.P." by 50 Cent.  All but one of these is okay to accidentally play at work.  (I learned this the hard way: I was lying under my desk, testing the line-in jack of the computer, and had the speakers turned up way louder than appropriate.  I’ve never moved so quickly.)

What more can I talk about, other than the video?  Who doesn’t love the shit out of this video?  You go with your rat-tailed self, Aimee Mann!  Do yourself a favor and check it out; YouTube won’t let me embed the clip here.  I’ll wait.

Pretty good, huh?  I especially love "by the way…what’s with the hair?"  It’s more than a little heavy-handed, but at least they got somebody who was suitably dickish.  And while I do love this guy (apparently he’s an actor of very little renown named Cully Holland), why didn’t they get Billy Zabka?  I mean, it was 1985 and all.  (By the way, awesome Zabka story here.)
 
I’ll come clean: I don’t know anything else by ‘Til Tuesday.  Not only that, but as a kid, I thought she was singing "oh so scary."

8.  Everytime You Go Away – Paul Young

Longtime readers might remember that I have a beef with Paul Young.  (Read the comments section, which goes from an argument about what defines a "cover song" and rapidly devolves into Jeff calling me "asscheeks.")  My beef, which you can read about above, is essentially that Paul Young has never had a successful hit that hasn’t been a cover.  "Everytime You Go Away" was clearly his biggest hit, a great cover of the Hall & Oates tune from Voices, reaching the #1 spot for a week in July.  (I like it better than the H&O version, okay?  This is not about Paul Young.)  He’s only had one other hit in the Top 10 (also a cover, obviously).  In fact, I’m pretty sure that the biggest non-cover hit he’s had was when he sang the opening line to "Do They Know It’s Christmas."

7.  You Give Good Love – Whitney Houston

Behold: the song that essentially introduced Whitney Houston to the world.  Clive Davis had signed Houston to Arista in 1983, and confident she’d be a star, began soliciting songs from a number of songwriters and producers.  Originally intended for Roberta Flack (her assistant turned it down), this song was presented to Houston by a songwriter named LaLa.  It was the second single released from her self-titled debut and reached #3, which must have been quite the relief for Houston and Davis – her album was slow to sell and the first single, "Someone For Me," didn’t chart at all.  "You Give Good Love" set off a stream of Houston hits which were unstoppable on their rise to the top.  In the ’80s, she released two albums and 11 singles from those albums – 7 of which hit #1.

It’s hard to look past all the crazy shit that’s landed Houston where she is today, but I really enjoyed re-listening to this song and remembering what a powerhouse she was – and, presumably, still is.  Here’s a clip of her debut on The Tonight Show singing "You Give Good Love."  (Hard to say what I love more, the hair or the sweater.  Still, she’s adorable.)

[youtube]KI3YrAv0C-I[/youtube]

6.  Would I Lie To You?  – Eurythmics (download)

"Would I Lie To You?" very deliberately sounds to me like a cover, but a cover that can’t decide whether it owes more to early ’60s Motown or The Kinks.  This is not a criticism; "Would I Lie To You" is an awesome song, and a distinct change from previous singles by the group – the synths have been punished, sent to the back of the room in favor of those excellent horns.  And you can almost never go wrong when Annie Lennox opens her mouth to sing.  And hey, it’s our second video featuring a dickhead!

[youtube]P6uJwfix3fU[/youtube]

In this case, the dick is played by Steven Bauer, also an actor of little renown (he’s best known for marrying Melanie Griffith and a role in Scarface).

5.  The Search Is Over – Survivor (download)

All skate!  Now reverse!  Yet another roller-rink song for me.  "The Search Is Over" is just the perfect rock ballad.  I’m not going to say anything more about Survivor because anything interesting I could possibly say has already been mentioned over at Ye Olde Jefitoblog.  In fact, Jeff’s site is kind of a Survivor repository: there’s The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Survivor, the review of 2006’s Reach, and even a CAPTAIN VIDEO! post.  Somebody’s got a crush!

I’m offering "The Search Is Over" for download only because I want Survivor’s management to threaten me with legal action, like they threatened Jeff over the downloads in his Reach review.  Come get me, Groves!

4.  Heaven – Bryan Adams 

You know plenty about "Heaven."  For example, you know it sucks.  You also know that you secretly kind of liked it back then, too.  I know I did.  I played my Reckless cassette endlessly.  I mainly listened to "It’s Only Love" and that one part of "Run To You" where everything cuts out but the electric guitar.  I’d rewind that section repeatedly.  (Oh, what a lonely boy.)  You also know that you were relatively annoyed when the song resurfaced on hit radio stations across the country earlier this decade, remade in both ballad and dance versions.  (Less annoyed, I imagine?  Bryan Adams.)

But here’s what you may not know about "Heaven:" although not a #1 hit until June of 1985, the song was actually recorded and released in 1983, on the soundtrack to a movie called A Night In Heaven.

I admit that I haven’t seen it, but I’m guessing that it’s every bit as bad as it looks.  And by "bad," I mean "AWESOME."  We’re going so far off-topic here, but I don’t care.  Here’s just a bit of the plot summary from the Wikipedia entry:

Christopher Atkins plays Rick Monroe, a jock and a popular guy in college in Orlando, Florida; he is outspoken and overconfident. Lesley Ann Warren plays Faye Hanlon, Rick’s speech professor; she is prim and proper. At the end of his final report for his class, Rick cracks a joke and Faye is not amused. She decides to fail him and make him take the course over again.

Faye is going through a slump in her marriage to Whitney (Robert Logan), a rocket scientist who has just lost his job. Faye’s free-spirited sister Patsy, visiting from out of town, takes her to a strip club to cheer her up. The show features a performer called "Ricky the Rocket," who is none other than Faye’s student Rick. When he notices Faye in the crowd, he gives her a very special lap dance.

Go read the rest of it.  It gets even better – like when Atkins found out his penis accidentally made it into the movie!  And can you believe that Bryan Adams – who had already made a dent in the U.S. charts with Cuts Like A Knife and a few of its singles – got roped into supplying "Heaven" and one other song for this movie?  Maybe because it was directed by John L. Avildsen of Rocky, but still, that seems like no excuse.  Read more about this movie here and here.  Bravo, Bryan Adams!  Thankfully, you never made the mistake of writing a theme song to a terrible movie ever again.

3.  Raspberry Beret – Prince & The Revolution 

Prince confused me a lot when I was a kid.  (As opposed to now, when he makes perfect sense.)  I wasn’t sure if he was really a man, and all his music sounded dark and mysterious to me…and then I heard "Raspberry Beret."  I couldn’t understand why Prince sounded so…happy.  And the video – I’d love to show it to you, but it doesn’t seem to be on YouTube.  I remember it being all colorful, and joyous, and with Wendy on guitar.  No doves, no Prince coming out of a steamy bathtub naked…I can’t believe they allowed me to watch MTV as a child.

2.  A View To A Kill – Duran Duran

So here’s what’s interesting about "A View To A Kill:"

– It’s the only James Bond theme song to reach #1 on the U.S. charts, unless Chris Cornell’s "You Know My Name" is about to do something really surprising;

– It’s the last song that the original members of Duran Duran recorded together until 2002;

– It was performed at Live Aid during this month in ’85, quite famously, in fact: for starters, it was the original band’s last live performance for almost 20 years.  Secondly, Pat Boone publicly criticized the song lyrics of some artists at Live Aid, calling attention to the lyric "dance into the fire," as if anybody gave a shit what Pat Boone thought.  Thirdly, Simon LeBon completely boned one of the high notes.  It was terrible!  Here, watch it!  It’s in the last minute of the clip.

[youtube]mINh8ZOWSLw[/youtube]

Hahahahah!  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this.  Maybe a little less concentration on prancing and shoulder pads would have resulted in a more favorable outcome.

1.  Sussudio – Phil Collins

You all are free to disagree with me, but I honestly think that people hate "Sussudio" because they think they’re supposed to hate "Sussudio."  There’s no reason to hate it.  Yes, it’s a stupid word.  So what?  I don’t care what it means, whether it was the name of his daughter’s horse or dog or giraffe or whether it’s a girl’s name or his uncle’s name or whatever.  So it rips off Prince’s "1999" – I believe, when confronted with this information, Collins admitted he was a huge Prince fan.  (And, besides, "1999" rips off Prince’s own "Manic Monday."  I don’t think this is really helping the argument, I just wanted to re-state that fact.) 

Plus, the video.  I’ve always liked the fact that Collins clearly has a sense of humor about himself, and as Mike mentioned, it’s chock-full of Lee Sklar!  A skinny Lee Sklar!  (Not that Lee Sklar is fat now, but you know, skinnier.)  And he’s playing a headless bass!  I’m not sure if this is more Sklar Per Second (SPS) than other Collins videos (I feel like he’s more present in "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven" but that video’s no longer available.)  Anyway, this is even more impressive because Collins truly realized the Power Of Sklar^TM: he doesn’t even play bass on the recording!

[youtube]yA48-DatUHI[/youtube]

I also don’t really agree with its location at #24 on VH1’s "50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever."  "Sussudio" was a damn catchy song in 1985 and while nobody will admit to liking it now, I guarantee you that once an indie band covers it, Stereogum will lose their shit.

10.  I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) – New Kids On The Block  Amazon iTunes
9.  Miss You Like Crazy – Natalie Cole  Amazon iTunes
8.  I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper  Amazon iTunes
7.  This Time I Know It’s For Real – Donna Summer  Amazon iTunes
6.  Express Yourself – Madonna  Amazon iTunes
5.  If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Simply Red  Amazon iTunes
4.  Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry  Amazon iTunes
3.  Satisfied – Richard Marx  Amazon iTunes
2.  Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals  Amazon iTunes
1.  Baby Don’t Forget My Number – Milli Vanilli  Amazon iTunes

10.  I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) – New Kids On The Block

I know at least three women who can say their first concert was New Kids On The Block, including my wife – who, like the rest, spent most of the concert screeching at these five douchebags.  Every time I give her my "I’m disgusted with you" look over this fact, she reminds me that my first concert was Air Supply.  Whatever.  I was eight.

Listening to this song again, I’m reminded that they really were the white version of New Edition.  And they actually did have some talent – I don’t know who’s singing lead on this one (okay, yes I do, it’s Jordan, and I’ve always known that, and I hate myself), but he’s singing 98% of the song in falsetto and it’s really not that bad.

If you can’t remember how batshit everyone went over NKOTB back in the late ’80s and early ’90s, here’s the video so you can remind yourself.  Lots of shots of the guys engaging in some innocent activities with the ladies – shooting pool, eating pizza, etc.  I always thought it would have been funny to have one really quick shot of Donnie banging one of ’em from behind.

[youtube]iFr73YyLZ38[/youtube]

9.  Miss You Like Crazy – Natalie Cole 

Y’know, I have nothing against Natalie Cole, but it doesn’t get much more boring than "Miss You Like Crazy."  With bland lyrics like "I can see the love shining in your eyes," my mind starts to wander, and I wind up thinking about how much more interesting this song would be if she were a deranged stalker singing to a framed picture of Billy Dee Williams.  Maybe the last chorus is sung while she’s in an orange jumpsuit, being dragged backwards to her cell while the backs of her heels are dragging in the dirt.

What the hell is wrong with me?

8.  I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper (download)

This is the third time a tune by the songwriting duo of Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly has made a CHART ATTACK! appearance: the duo wrote "Like A Virgin" and "Eternal Flame," two songs we’ve covered before.  "I Drove All Night" was written with Roy Orbison in mind, and the duo actually succeeded in getting Orbison to record a demo with them; however, at the time, Orbison didn’t have a record contract, so there was no way for the song to be officially released.  Steinberg and Kelly passed the song on to Lauper, who had previously worked with the duo on her hit song "True Colors."  It was included on her album A Night To Remember, and peaked at #6.

I’m not a huge fan of Cyndi Lauper, but I do like this song – I appreciate the fact that she chose to sing it in her lower register, which wasn’t really where the money was, so to speak.

[youtube]g614EUhvhCE[/youtube]

The Roy Orbison version is pretty good too, actually – completed by Jeff Lynne (as if you couldn’t tell from that snare drum) after his death.  And hey, the video features Jason Priestley and Jennifer Connelly.  I imagine at some point, this was a really big deal.

[youtube]nbNWY7qr13o[/youtube]

Of course, I suppose I need to mention the fact that Steinberg also wrote "Falling Into You" for Celine Dion, and when Chrysler was looking for a theme song for their campaign with her, he suggested "I Drove All Night."  You can find that video on your own.  I don’t enable readers when looking for Celine Dion videos.

7.  This Time I Know It’s For Real – Donna Summer 

You’re forgiven if, the first time you hear this, you go, "hey! Rick Astley!"  (Video here if you want to hear the song.)  After all, the song was written and produced by Stock Aitken Waterman, the Europop powerhouse trio that were responsible for the success of both Astley and Kylie Minogue.  Summer has always been smart enough to associate herself with successful writers and producers, and going to the S/A/W team was yet another wise move: this song gave Summer her first first Top 10 on the Hot 100 in six years.  She has yet to repeat that kind of success, although let’s give her credit for the 13 top 10 hits in her arsenal (including two that jumped 37 spots in a week’s time), and a staggering 14 singles at #1 on the Dance charts. (Not all at once, although wouldn’t that be really cool?)

6.  Express Yourself – Madonna 

It’s official: Madonna fans have absolutely nothing better to do but write the most detailed Wikipedia entries known to man.  So I invite you to check out the Wiki if you’d like to know why the song was only released as a max-single in France.  In the meantime, I’ll just say that like most of the songs on Like A Prayer (and I’ve already discussed how much I love that album), "Express Yourself" ranks among Madonna’s best, and it’s also one of her most powerful.  I feel like this is the vibe she was going for on "Music," which wasn’t nearly as effective.

5.  If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Simply Red 

This is a really good cover – Mick Hucknall doesn’t have anything on Teddy Pendergrass (who sang lead on the original, by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes), but he gives the song the passion it demands, and the ’80s blue-eyed soul sound of Simply Red works quite well.  That being said, I always seem to flip the station when this comes on the radio.  I tend to forget that it’s under four minutes long – I could have sworn that it clocked in at around six.

I also would have accepted a cover of this song by Natalie Cole.  You will never, never, never know me, Lando.

4.  Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry (download)

I love "Buffalo Stance."  I think the chorus is irresistable, especially the synth part.  I don’t know what a "buffalo stance" is and I don’t care.  I just feel like we should have given Neneh Cherry another chance at success.  Anybody who names an album Raw Like Sushi deserves more than one hit.  Instead, we got her freakin’ brother, Eagle Eye.  "Save Tonight" is another one of those annoying songs my college roommate would play 10 times in a row until I begged him to put on Chumbawumba or anything else.  They still play it at the gym, for reasons beyond me.

I think the director for "Buffalo Stance" probably called in sick on the day of the video shoot, and they just said, "fuck it, just put her in front of a green screen."

[youtube]3EQCOshGwPI[/youtube]

3.  Satisfied – Richard Marx 

Love this song.  I’m not going to defend my enjoyment of Richard Marx to you guys again.  (Actually, I was about to do it, but then I remembered I already defended him back in November.)   I’ll repeat, however, my belief that the man knows how to write a good hook – as evidenced by "Satisfied," which had topped the charts the week prior to this one.

So, you wanna hear a good Richard Marx story?  Too bad, I’m telling you anyway.  He told this one in concert last year.  (Yes, I went.  I took my mother.  Stop laughing.  We’re seeing Air Supply next month.)  So "Satisfied" was the first single off his highly successful sophomore effort, Repeat Offender.  While Marx was preparing for the tour, his management was figuring out how much money they could make in merchandising.  Marx came up with some ideas for products, but his greatest idea was, unfortunately, nixed: women’s panties with the words "Repeat Offender" on the back, and a photo of the back of his mullet on the front.  Heh!

2.  Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals 

And the award for Least Accurate Title goes to this song.  Because "Good Thing" is, in fact, a very, very bad thing.  The beat and melody may have been somewhat unconventional, and certainly didn’t sound like anything else coming out of 1989, but that’s no excuse for the song reaching the #1 spot the week after this one.  No excuse at all.  Why did we let Roland Gift get away with singing like this?  At one point, he actually sounds like Jimmy Fallon when he tries to impersonate Barry Gibb.

On the bright side, I never have to say another word about Fine Young Cannibals again, since we pissed all over dissected "She Drives Me Crazy" a few months ago.  At the time, I said, "At least it’s not ‘Good Thing.’"  So there you go.

1.  Baby Don’t Forget My Number – Milli Vanilli 

You only have yourself to blame, Chart Attackers.  You helped Milli Vanilli reach the top of the charts.  Even if you didn’t buy the album or the singles, you know somebody who did.  (My friend Michele made a big poster out of oak tag dedicated to Milli Vanilli in 7th grade.)  Don’t be too hard on them, though: we were all fooled.  "Baby Don’t Forget My Number" was a catchy song, and the fact that they were complete poseurs does not take away from that, at least for me.  And that’s all I’m going to say on Milli Vanilli for the moment; let’s just say that a very special post is on the horizon.

Before we delve into these ten tasty treats, let’s just look at these tracks as a whole, shall we?  In June of 1982, we certainly had our share of different genres occupying the top of the charts: you’ve got R&B, funk, country, pop, hard rock, and good ol’ rock & roll.  (Which is which, of course, is another story.)  Okay, let’s dig in!

10.  The Other Woman – Ray Parker, Jr.  (download)

Although it’s no "I Want A New Drug" "Ghostbusters," I do like "The Other Woman."  It’s a nice slab of funky rock.  And you have to love the man’s vocal: this guy is trying his damndest to sound like a sex god.  I get this kind of voice when I first wake up in the morning, or when I speak very quietly into the phone.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this song was recorded while he was chillin’ in bed.  Awwww, shucks!

9.  Love’s Been A Little Bit Hard On Me – Juice Newton 

Yeah, I ripped on ol’ Juice a few months ago, although it was really more an assault against "Angel Of The Morning" than anything else.  And quick tangent – I never thought I’d say this, but I found a version of that song that I didn’t hate.  It’s by Girlyman, one of my favorite groups.  (One of their CD covers sits on the right-hand side of this website.)  It’s bootleg quality, but the harmonies are beautiful enough that I actually thought about taking back the bad things I said about the song.  Almost.

Girlyman – Angel Of The Morning (live) (download)

But anyway, back to Newton and this song.  I don’t really want to like it, but I do.  It reminds me of about three other songs, none of which I can remember at this point in time.  It’s a little bit rock, a little bit country, and a little bit ’80s, courtesy of that synthesizer in the opening riff.  Why do I feel like somewhere in America, right now, at least 15 people are line-dancing to this song?

Hey, you know what?  This song could be used in a Viagra commercial.  Either as the "before" OR the "after," if you think about it.  (Thank you!  I’ll be here all week!  Try the veal!)

Here’s the video for "Love’s Been A Little Bit Hard On Me."  I was going to play "Count The Douchebags!" with this video ("One!  One douchebag!  Ah, ah, ah!"), but I actually wound up enjoying the plot, in which a d-bag suitor continually beats the crap out of Juice.  It’s like a precursor to O.J. Simpson in The Naked Gun movies, except I’m pretty sure this Juice doesn’t wind up murdering anybody.  Anyway, by the end of the video (especially when they recap her various accidents), I was completely smitten.

[youtube]EPlRcoYj32c[/youtube]

8.  Let It Whip – Dazz Band  (download)

So when I first saw this title, I was perplexed.  I was almost positive I’d never heard this song before.  Of course, within 15 seconds, not only did I know exactly what song it was, but I was pushed out of my chair by some unexplainable force.  This force caused me to run back and forth across the apartment and shake my groove thing, shake my groove thing, yeah yeah.  I hope it does the same for you.  (By the way, did Michael Jackson steal this drum track for "Beat It?")

7.  Crimson and Clover – Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

Can somebody tell me what people thought of Joan Jett back in 1982?  She had three songs in the top 20 in that year, and all three were covers.  First was "I Love Rock & Roll" – yes, it’s a cover, originally by The Arrows (thank you, Coverville, for that piece of education) then this song, originally by Tommy James & The Shondells, and then, "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" by Gary Glitter (yes, Gary Glitter, and no, I will not go there).  I’m not saying anything bad about Joan Jett – I think she fucking rocks, and undoubtedly puts her stamp on any song that she performs, cover or no, but does anybody remember what kind of legitimacy she had at this point?  I know she was 3 years out of her work with The Runaways, but that’s all I know (or care to look up).

6.  Hurts So Good – John Cougar 

"Sometimes love don’t feel like it should."  Hey, another Viagra commercial!  (Thank you!  Tip your waitress!)

5.  Always On My Mind – Willie Nelson 

I like Willie Nelson as much as the next guy (and personally, I don’t think anybody really likes Willie as much as they claim they do), but I don’t care for "Always On My Mind" very much.  Not this version, not Elvis’ version, either.  Admittedly, I haven’t heard Brenda Lee’s version or BB King’s version.  I do like the Pet Shop Boys’ cover, only because I like everything from the Pet Shop Boys.  I know it won boatloads of awards and was a huge hit for Willie, but I’m just not feelin’ it.  And I certainly regret the day I found Bon Jovi singing it with Willie Nelson.  Can we just not mention the words "Bon Jovi" and "country" for the rest of the week?  Thanks.  Anyway, I’d like to think that Wilie recorded this on the one day he didn’t smoke weed.

4.  Heat Of The Moment – Asia 

I’m only going to say this once:  I don’t care about Asia.  So if there are any Asia fans reading this, don’t try to convince me.  You already have me listening to mellow music that’s quickly making the hair fall out of my chest, and ELO is next on the list.  Don’t hand me no lines, and keep your Asia to yourself.

I’ll confess that I barely knew this song before I heard it featured in The 40 Year-Old Virgin.  I mean, I love that the opening sounds vaguely Outfield-ish to me and they actually name check the year 1982 in the song, but I give the rest of the song a meh.  The chorus doesn’t kick in nearly as hard as it should.  And it fades out!  BOO!  My friend Len really likes Asia, and is probably disappointed in me, but then again, I don’t think Len has read this blog in ages, so fuck you, Len, and I hate your new haircut.

I don’t care know what Asia is up to these days, but Jeff checked in on Geoffrey Downes and John Wetton a couple of years ago.  Those poor saps.  (And let this be a lesson to you: thar’s gold in them Jefito archives.)

3.  Rosanna – Toto (download) 

This has got to be one of the best songs of the decade.  I will never – ever – ever – get sick of "Rosanna."  I know it’s overplayed.  I know you’ve heard it a million times.  I know you’re sick of seeing them chase Cynthia Rhodes (who, by the way, is still very hot – damn you, Richard Marx) on the other side of the chain-link fence in the video.  You should get over it and just relish in "Rosanna."  I know you have it.  Download it again.

The musicianship on this song is just unparalleled: Bobby Kimball’s soaring vocal, high enough to ensure that I will never be able to cover it, David Paich’s multiple keyboard solos (yes, the sounds he chose are cheesy now, but they RAWKED in 1982), and, behind it all, the late, great Jeff Porcaro’s steady, rollicking drums.  This song – especially the instrumental in the middle – is flawless.  It deserved every Grammy it won (including Record of the Year, Best Vocal Arrangement For Two Or More Voices, and Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocal, which I had no idea was a category but was probably created just for this awesome song).

Yes, the song was written by David Paich for Rosanna Arquette, even though he wasn’t the one dating her – that honor went to Steve Porcaro (not Steve Lukather, as has been erroneously reported for years).  You didn’t think it as Bobby Kimball, did you?  Have you seen the video?

[youtube]CTafzJl-DTo[/youtube]

Kimball, by the way, looks like a thinner version of one of those "that guy" actors from sitcoms in the ’80s and ’90s, but I can’t figure out who the hell it is.  Please, for the love of God, help me. Robert, I’m thinking this is your territory.

"Rosanna," of course, inspired one of the best of the Yacht Rock series.  Check it out.

One other question for you guys:  what is the low voice saying at 3:31?

2.  Don’t You Want Me – Human League 

Damn you, Human League, from keeping "Rosanna" from hitting #1!  (And while we’re at it, damn you too, Survivor, for the same crime.)  In researching Human League, I was intrigued to find out the following facts:

– "Don’t You Want Me" was a hit in 1982.  I know this is relatively obvious, but it sounds like a later ’80s hit to me, just like "I Ran."  ("It was ahead of its time," Mike recently said about "I Ran," at which point I hung up the phone);

–  One member was purely responsible for "onstage slides and films";

– After the massive (and misogynistic?) success of "Don’t You Want Me," the band had a few other hits, but at one point, refused to promote a follow-up album because "we thought we were so popular we didn’t have to";

– Despite the odds being against them, came back with the hit song "Human" in 1986;

– Hey, we’ve performed this song!  Mike sings lead, because obviously he wasn’t going to sing the female part.  That honor, of course, goes to yours truly.

1.  Ebony And Ivory – Paul McCartney with Stevie Wonder 

Shhhh!  Maybe if we don’t talk about it, we can pretend it didn’t exist!  Actually, I think I’m coming around the bend on this one: I’ve hated it for years, but now I want to perform it.  I’ll be Stevie or Paul.  It doesn’t matter to me.

Here’s the awkward video, featuring Stevie effectively humping a huge black piano key and multiple Paul McCartneys playing all the instruments.  Seriously, how many times has Paul used this fucking convention in his videos?

[youtube]sssqBjaTzOU[/youtube]

Wikipedia actually does have an interesting story about "Ebony And Ivory:"

The lyrics have long been thought to have been written by McCartney alone, but in a biography of McCartney written by Barry Miles it was revealed how Wonder contributed to the majority of the "bookends" or rhymes, and also came up with the song’s distinctive melody. McCartney claimed in the book that Wonder was afraid of how successful a tune with such a bold racial message would be if it was known that it had an African-American writer, and so pleaded for McCartney to take credit.

Hmm.  That doesn’t sound like Stevie Wonder to me, but if it’s in print, it must be true.