10.  I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) – New Kids On The Block  Amazon iTunes
9.  Miss You Like Crazy – Natalie Cole  Amazon iTunes
8.  I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper  Amazon iTunes
7.  This Time I Know It’s For Real – Donna Summer  Amazon iTunes
6.  Express Yourself – Madonna  Amazon iTunes
5.  If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Simply Red  Amazon iTunes
4.  Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry  Amazon iTunes
3.  Satisfied – Richard Marx  Amazon iTunes
2.  Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals  Amazon iTunes
1.  Baby Don’t Forget My Number – Milli Vanilli  Amazon iTunes

10.  I’ll Be Loving You (Forever) – New Kids On The Block

I know at least three women who can say their first concert was New Kids On The Block, including my wife – who, like the rest, spent most of the concert screeching at these five douchebags.  Every time I give her my "I’m disgusted with you" look over this fact, she reminds me that my first concert was Air Supply.  Whatever.  I was eight.

Listening to this song again, I’m reminded that they really were the white version of New Edition.  And they actually did have some talent – I don’t know who’s singing lead on this one (okay, yes I do, it’s Jordan, and I’ve always known that, and I hate myself), but he’s singing 98% of the song in falsetto and it’s really not that bad.

If you can’t remember how batshit everyone went over NKOTB back in the late ’80s and early ’90s, here’s the video so you can remind yourself.  Lots of shots of the guys engaging in some innocent activities with the ladies – shooting pool, eating pizza, etc.  I always thought it would have been funny to have one really quick shot of Donnie banging one of ’em from behind.

[youtube]iFr73YyLZ38[/youtube]

9.  Miss You Like Crazy – Natalie Cole 

Y’know, I have nothing against Natalie Cole, but it doesn’t get much more boring than "Miss You Like Crazy."  With bland lyrics like "I can see the love shining in your eyes," my mind starts to wander, and I wind up thinking about how much more interesting this song would be if she were a deranged stalker singing to a framed picture of Billy Dee Williams.  Maybe the last chorus is sung while she’s in an orange jumpsuit, being dragged backwards to her cell while the backs of her heels are dragging in the dirt.

What the hell is wrong with me?

8.  I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper (download)

This is the third time a tune by the songwriting duo of Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly has made a CHART ATTACK! appearance: the duo wrote "Like A Virgin" and "Eternal Flame," two songs we’ve covered before.  "I Drove All Night" was written with Roy Orbison in mind, and the duo actually succeeded in getting Orbison to record a demo with them; however, at the time, Orbison didn’t have a record contract, so there was no way for the song to be officially released.  Steinberg and Kelly passed the song on to Lauper, who had previously worked with the duo on her hit song "True Colors."  It was included on her album A Night To Remember, and peaked at #6.

I’m not a huge fan of Cyndi Lauper, but I do like this song – I appreciate the fact that she chose to sing it in her lower register, which wasn’t really where the money was, so to speak.

[youtube]g614EUhvhCE[/youtube]

The Roy Orbison version is pretty good too, actually – completed by Jeff Lynne (as if you couldn’t tell from that snare drum) after his death.  And hey, the video features Jason Priestley and Jennifer Connelly.  I imagine at some point, this was a really big deal.

[youtube]nbNWY7qr13o[/youtube]

Of course, I suppose I need to mention the fact that Steinberg also wrote "Falling Into You" for Celine Dion, and when Chrysler was looking for a theme song for their campaign with her, he suggested "I Drove All Night."  You can find that video on your own.  I don’t enable readers when looking for Celine Dion videos.

7.  This Time I Know It’s For Real – Donna Summer 

You’re forgiven if, the first time you hear this, you go, "hey! Rick Astley!"  (Video here if you want to hear the song.)  After all, the song was written and produced by Stock Aitken Waterman, the Europop powerhouse trio that were responsible for the success of both Astley and Kylie Minogue.  Summer has always been smart enough to associate herself with successful writers and producers, and going to the S/A/W team was yet another wise move: this song gave Summer her first first Top 10 on the Hot 100 in six years.  She has yet to repeat that kind of success, although let’s give her credit for the 13 top 10 hits in her arsenal (including two that jumped 37 spots in a week’s time), and a staggering 14 singles at #1 on the Dance charts. (Not all at once, although wouldn’t that be really cool?)

6.  Express Yourself – Madonna 

It’s official: Madonna fans have absolutely nothing better to do but write the most detailed Wikipedia entries known to man.  So I invite you to check out the Wiki if you’d like to know why the song was only released as a max-single in France.  In the meantime, I’ll just say that like most of the songs on Like A Prayer (and I’ve already discussed how much I love that album), "Express Yourself" ranks among Madonna’s best, and it’s also one of her most powerful.  I feel like this is the vibe she was going for on "Music," which wasn’t nearly as effective.

5.  If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Simply Red 

This is a really good cover – Mick Hucknall doesn’t have anything on Teddy Pendergrass (who sang lead on the original, by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes), but he gives the song the passion it demands, and the ’80s blue-eyed soul sound of Simply Red works quite well.  That being said, I always seem to flip the station when this comes on the radio.  I tend to forget that it’s under four minutes long – I could have sworn that it clocked in at around six.

I also would have accepted a cover of this song by Natalie Cole.  You will never, never, never know me, Lando.

4.  Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry (download)

I love "Buffalo Stance."  I think the chorus is irresistable, especially the synth part.  I don’t know what a "buffalo stance" is and I don’t care.  I just feel like we should have given Neneh Cherry another chance at success.  Anybody who names an album Raw Like Sushi deserves more than one hit.  Instead, we got her freakin’ brother, Eagle Eye.  "Save Tonight" is another one of those annoying songs my college roommate would play 10 times in a row until I begged him to put on Chumbawumba or anything else.  They still play it at the gym, for reasons beyond me.

I think the director for "Buffalo Stance" probably called in sick on the day of the video shoot, and they just said, "fuck it, just put her in front of a green screen."

[youtube]3EQCOshGwPI[/youtube]

3.  Satisfied – Richard Marx 

Love this song.  I’m not going to defend my enjoyment of Richard Marx to you guys again.  (Actually, I was about to do it, but then I remembered I already defended him back in November.)   I’ll repeat, however, my belief that the man knows how to write a good hook – as evidenced by "Satisfied," which had topped the charts the week prior to this one.

So, you wanna hear a good Richard Marx story?  Too bad, I’m telling you anyway.  He told this one in concert last year.  (Yes, I went.  I took my mother.  Stop laughing.  We’re seeing Air Supply next month.)  So "Satisfied" was the first single off his highly successful sophomore effort, Repeat Offender.  While Marx was preparing for the tour, his management was figuring out how much money they could make in merchandising.  Marx came up with some ideas for products, but his greatest idea was, unfortunately, nixed: women’s panties with the words "Repeat Offender" on the back, and a photo of the back of his mullet on the front.  Heh!

2.  Good Thing – Fine Young Cannibals 

And the award for Least Accurate Title goes to this song.  Because "Good Thing" is, in fact, a very, very bad thing.  The beat and melody may have been somewhat unconventional, and certainly didn’t sound like anything else coming out of 1989, but that’s no excuse for the song reaching the #1 spot the week after this one.  No excuse at all.  Why did we let Roland Gift get away with singing like this?  At one point, he actually sounds like Jimmy Fallon when he tries to impersonate Barry Gibb.

On the bright side, I never have to say another word about Fine Young Cannibals again, since we pissed all over dissected "She Drives Me Crazy" a few months ago.  At the time, I said, "At least it’s not ‘Good Thing.’"  So there you go.

1.  Baby Don’t Forget My Number – Milli Vanilli 

You only have yourself to blame, Chart Attackers.  You helped Milli Vanilli reach the top of the charts.  Even if you didn’t buy the album or the singles, you know somebody who did.  (My friend Michele made a big poster out of oak tag dedicated to Milli Vanilli in 7th grade.)  Don’t be too hard on them, though: we were all fooled.  "Baby Don’t Forget My Number" was a catchy song, and the fact that they were complete poseurs does not take away from that, at least for me.  And that’s all I’m going to say on Milli Vanilli for the moment; let’s just say that a very special post is on the horizon.

Before we delve into these ten tasty treats, let’s just look at these tracks as a whole, shall we?  In June of 1982, we certainly had our share of different genres occupying the top of the charts: you’ve got R&B, funk, country, pop, hard rock, and good ol’ rock & roll.  (Which is which, of course, is another story.)  Okay, let’s dig in!

10.  The Other Woman – Ray Parker, Jr.  (download)

Although it’s no "I Want A New Drug" "Ghostbusters," I do like "The Other Woman."  It’s a nice slab of funky rock.  And you have to love the man’s vocal: this guy is trying his damndest to sound like a sex god.  I get this kind of voice when I first wake up in the morning, or when I speak very quietly into the phone.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this song was recorded while he was chillin’ in bed.  Awwww, shucks!

9.  Love’s Been A Little Bit Hard On Me – Juice Newton 

Yeah, I ripped on ol’ Juice a few months ago, although it was really more an assault against "Angel Of The Morning" than anything else.  And quick tangent – I never thought I’d say this, but I found a version of that song that I didn’t hate.  It’s by Girlyman, one of my favorite groups.  (One of their CD covers sits on the right-hand side of this website.)  It’s bootleg quality, but the harmonies are beautiful enough that I actually thought about taking back the bad things I said about the song.  Almost.

Girlyman – Angel Of The Morning (live) (download)

But anyway, back to Newton and this song.  I don’t really want to like it, but I do.  It reminds me of about three other songs, none of which I can remember at this point in time.  It’s a little bit rock, a little bit country, and a little bit ’80s, courtesy of that synthesizer in the opening riff.  Why do I feel like somewhere in America, right now, at least 15 people are line-dancing to this song?

Hey, you know what?  This song could be used in a Viagra commercial.  Either as the "before" OR the "after," if you think about it.  (Thank you!  I’ll be here all week!  Try the veal!)

Here’s the video for "Love’s Been A Little Bit Hard On Me."  I was going to play "Count The Douchebags!" with this video ("One!  One douchebag!  Ah, ah, ah!"), but I actually wound up enjoying the plot, in which a d-bag suitor continually beats the crap out of Juice.  It’s like a precursor to O.J. Simpson in The Naked Gun movies, except I’m pretty sure this Juice doesn’t wind up murdering anybody.  Anyway, by the end of the video (especially when they recap her various accidents), I was completely smitten.

[youtube]EPlRcoYj32c[/youtube]

8.  Let It Whip – Dazz Band  (download)

So when I first saw this title, I was perplexed.  I was almost positive I’d never heard this song before.  Of course, within 15 seconds, not only did I know exactly what song it was, but I was pushed out of my chair by some unexplainable force.  This force caused me to run back and forth across the apartment and shake my groove thing, shake my groove thing, yeah yeah.  I hope it does the same for you.  (By the way, did Michael Jackson steal this drum track for "Beat It?")

7.  Crimson and Clover – Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

Can somebody tell me what people thought of Joan Jett back in 1982?  She had three songs in the top 20 in that year, and all three were covers.  First was "I Love Rock & Roll" – yes, it’s a cover, originally by The Arrows (thank you, Coverville, for that piece of education) then this song, originally by Tommy James & The Shondells, and then, "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" by Gary Glitter (yes, Gary Glitter, and no, I will not go there).  I’m not saying anything bad about Joan Jett – I think she fucking rocks, and undoubtedly puts her stamp on any song that she performs, cover or no, but does anybody remember what kind of legitimacy she had at this point?  I know she was 3 years out of her work with The Runaways, but that’s all I know (or care to look up).

6.  Hurts So Good – John Cougar 

"Sometimes love don’t feel like it should."  Hey, another Viagra commercial!  (Thank you!  Tip your waitress!)

5.  Always On My Mind – Willie Nelson 

I like Willie Nelson as much as the next guy (and personally, I don’t think anybody really likes Willie as much as they claim they do), but I don’t care for "Always On My Mind" very much.  Not this version, not Elvis’ version, either.  Admittedly, I haven’t heard Brenda Lee’s version or BB King’s version.  I do like the Pet Shop Boys’ cover, only because I like everything from the Pet Shop Boys.  I know it won boatloads of awards and was a huge hit for Willie, but I’m just not feelin’ it.  And I certainly regret the day I found Bon Jovi singing it with Willie Nelson.  Can we just not mention the words "Bon Jovi" and "country" for the rest of the week?  Thanks.  Anyway, I’d like to think that Wilie recorded this on the one day he didn’t smoke weed.

4.  Heat Of The Moment – Asia 

I’m only going to say this once:  I don’t care about Asia.  So if there are any Asia fans reading this, don’t try to convince me.  You already have me listening to mellow music that’s quickly making the hair fall out of my chest, and ELO is next on the list.  Don’t hand me no lines, and keep your Asia to yourself.

I’ll confess that I barely knew this song before I heard it featured in The 40 Year-Old Virgin.  I mean, I love that the opening sounds vaguely Outfield-ish to me and they actually name check the year 1982 in the song, but I give the rest of the song a meh.  The chorus doesn’t kick in nearly as hard as it should.  And it fades out!  BOO!  My friend Len really likes Asia, and is probably disappointed in me, but then again, I don’t think Len has read this blog in ages, so fuck you, Len, and I hate your new haircut.

I don’t care know what Asia is up to these days, but Jeff checked in on Geoffrey Downes and John Wetton a couple of years ago.  Those poor saps.  (And let this be a lesson to you: thar’s gold in them Jefito archives.)

3.  Rosanna – Toto (download) 

This has got to be one of the best songs of the decade.  I will never – ever – ever – get sick of "Rosanna."  I know it’s overplayed.  I know you’ve heard it a million times.  I know you’re sick of seeing them chase Cynthia Rhodes (who, by the way, is still very hot – damn you, Richard Marx) on the other side of the chain-link fence in the video.  You should get over it and just relish in "Rosanna."  I know you have it.  Download it again.

The musicianship on this song is just unparalleled: Bobby Kimball’s soaring vocal, high enough to ensure that I will never be able to cover it, David Paich’s multiple keyboard solos (yes, the sounds he chose are cheesy now, but they RAWKED in 1982), and, behind it all, the late, great Jeff Porcaro’s steady, rollicking drums.  This song – especially the instrumental in the middle – is flawless.  It deserved every Grammy it won (including Record of the Year, Best Vocal Arrangement For Two Or More Voices, and Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocal, which I had no idea was a category but was probably created just for this awesome song).

Yes, the song was written by David Paich for Rosanna Arquette, even though he wasn’t the one dating her – that honor went to Steve Porcaro (not Steve Lukather, as has been erroneously reported for years).  You didn’t think it as Bobby Kimball, did you?  Have you seen the video?

[youtube]CTafzJl-DTo[/youtube]

Kimball, by the way, looks like a thinner version of one of those "that guy" actors from sitcoms in the ’80s and ’90s, but I can’t figure out who the hell it is.  Please, for the love of God, help me. Robert, I’m thinking this is your territory.

"Rosanna," of course, inspired one of the best of the Yacht Rock series.  Check it out.

One other question for you guys:  what is the low voice saying at 3:31?

2.  Don’t You Want Me – Human League 

Damn you, Human League, from keeping "Rosanna" from hitting #1!  (And while we’re at it, damn you too, Survivor, for the same crime.)  In researching Human League, I was intrigued to find out the following facts:

– "Don’t You Want Me" was a hit in 1982.  I know this is relatively obvious, but it sounds like a later ’80s hit to me, just like "I Ran."  ("It was ahead of its time," Mike recently said about "I Ran," at which point I hung up the phone);

–  One member was purely responsible for "onstage slides and films";

– After the massive (and misogynistic?) success of "Don’t You Want Me," the band had a few other hits, but at one point, refused to promote a follow-up album because "we thought we were so popular we didn’t have to";

– Despite the odds being against them, came back with the hit song "Human" in 1986;

– Hey, we’ve performed this song!  Mike sings lead, because obviously he wasn’t going to sing the female part.  That honor, of course, goes to yours truly.

1.  Ebony And Ivory – Paul McCartney with Stevie Wonder 

Shhhh!  Maybe if we don’t talk about it, we can pretend it didn’t exist!  Actually, I think I’m coming around the bend on this one: I’ve hated it for years, but now I want to perform it.  I’ll be Stevie or Paul.  It doesn’t matter to me.

Here’s the awkward video, featuring Stevie effectively humping a huge black piano key and multiple Paul McCartneys playing all the instruments.  Seriously, how many times has Paul used this fucking convention in his videos?

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Wikipedia actually does have an interesting story about "Ebony And Ivory:"

The lyrics have long been thought to have been written by McCartney alone, but in a biography of McCartney written by Barry Miles it was revealed how Wonder contributed to the majority of the "bookends" or rhymes, and also came up with the song’s distinctive melody. McCartney claimed in the book that Wonder was afraid of how successful a tune with such a bold racial message would be if it was known that it had an African-American writer, and so pleaded for McCartney to take credit.

Hmm.  That doesn’t sound like Stevie Wonder to me, but if it’s in print, it must be true.

This one, I think, is my favorite.  This is me singing the really high "YEAH" at the end of "Sister Christian," and Mike losing his shit.