Welcome, folks, to day 2 of The 12 Days Of Mellowmas!  Please enjoy (or try to enjoy) today’s download:  "Love Is All," by Air Supply!

Jeff and I were disappointed in The Christmas Album.  We were really hoping for some vintage Air Supply: soaring vocals from Russell Hitchcock, competent guitar playing from Graham Russell, that sort of thing.  Instead, it’s pretty much a Bing Crosby Christmas album with different vocals.  Still, if there’s one song that captures a bit of the Air Supply magic, if you can call it magic, it’s this one.

Air Supply:  Love Is All (download)
From The Christmas Album  Amazon

Jason:  We should tell our readers that if they’re on the fence about buying the Air Supply Christmas album, don’t do it.  It’s not worth it.  This is the only song that has any Air Supply in it, really.  The rest of it is all traditional, could’ve-been-sung-by-anybody pap.

Jeff:  Wow.  This sounds like the beginning of a made-for-TV Christmas special.  Is that Crystal Gayle?

Jason:  "we hunger for that touch?"  that’s awkward.

Jeff: CBS Presents: "The Suckiest Christmas," starring Dyan Cannon and Kris Kristofferson.

Jason:  Love is where we all begin, Jeff, you cynical prick.  And when we knock on heaven’s door, only love will let us in.  Somewhere, Bob Dylan just winced.

Jeff:  There’s some wicked reverb going on in here.

Jason:  Oooh, listen to that note!  That’s the first time Russell Hitchcock hit a Hitchcockian note.

Jeff: Oooh, a guitar just tickled my left ear.  I feel dirty.

Jason:  Another high note from Hitchcock!

Jeff:  Goddamn, real strings!  The first real strings we’ve heard all fucking Mellowmas, and they’re wasted on Air Supply.

Jason: Don’t you know that love is all, Jeff?  Love is where we all begin, Jeff.  You cynical prick.  And here comes that horrible heaven’s door lyric again.

Jeff: Yeah, and it’s all that will let us into heaven when we die.  This is sort of a morbid song for the holidays.  True love cannot be broken, through all the tears of pain.

Jeff: Oh, shit, Hitchcock just rocked a little!

Jason:  I just heard that!  He almost growled!  Almost.

Jeff:  I think that was his Bob Seger impression.  He probably had to lie down for a minute after that.

Jason: Wait a minute.  Does this song actually mention Christmas at all, come to think of it?  I don’t even hear any jingle bells.

(pause)

Jason: Air Supply tricked us!  This isn’t about Christmas!

Jeff: They totally did.

Jason:  I read somewhere that this song actually gets holiday airplay!

Jeff: They tricked us into listening to another one of their sappy fucking love songs.

Jason: Goddamn these Australians!

Jeff: They could have at least thrown in a children’s choir or something.

Jason: I agree.  We got screwed.

(Note:  You will only find the following amusing funny if you watch Scrubs.  But if you don’t watch Scrubs, what the hell is wrong with you?  Scrubs is, hands down, the funniest show on TV.  It is the only show I watch that consistently makes me laugh out loud, usually enough that I have to pause the show, and then rewind so I can watch the joke at least another two times.  Seriously, it’s freaking brililant, and if you haven’t seen it, shame on you!  Luckily you can buy Seasons One, Two, Three and Four on DVD.  And the newest season just started two weeks ago!)

Via Waxy via TVSquad comes the following short: A Charlie Brown Christmas as re-imagined by the cast of Scrubs.  It’s the same film we’ve come to know and love, but different dialogue, with each character played by a member of the Scrubs cast.  Seems like this was meant for internal use at some point, meaning that now that it’s public, the Schulz company is likely to bring it down any second.  Until then, watch and enjoy.

My friends, holidays are a time for sharing.  Sharing love.  Sharing gifts.  Sharing holiday cheer.

And sharing mellow music.  Terrible, mellow music.

The sad truth is that while the ’70s were a great time for Mellow Gold, the era wasn’t the best for holiday music.  Although older artists had enjoyed success with holiday albums, the annual tradition of releasing holiday albums in a last-ditch effort to make money before the end of the year was not yet the norm.  However, that’s not to say that some of our favorite Mellow Gold artists didn’t eventually figure this out and release holiday music – they just didn’t do it in the ’70s.  And as you already know, you can take the boy out of the Mellow Gold era, but you can’t take the Mellow Gold era out of the boy.  Or something.

So this holiday season, Jefito and I have done something special.  We’ve hung our stockings by the chimney with care, lit the fire, filled our mugs with hot cocoa, tucked our genitals into our bodies, and pulled up our easy chairs to listen to some of the Mellowest music we can find.  We are proud to present to you:

For the next 12 days, Jeff and I will alternate and present you with a track each day, and share with your our discussions as we listened to each mellow, and often terrible, song.

The holiday fun starts today at 12 PM, over at Jefitoblog.  Go enjoy our first selection, and come here tomorrow for Day #2.  And a very happy, wussy Mellowmas to each and every one of you!

Welcome back to another edition of CHART ATTACK!  You may have noticed that these posts tend to cover the music of the mid-to-late ’80s.  The reason is simply that I’m most familiar with these years in terms of the songs on the Top 10, and I find that the early ’80s charts tend to cross-over to Mellow Gold territory.  Still, we’ve covered every year of the ’80s so far but one, so it seems only fair that we see what was happening on December 5, 1981!

10.  Start Me Up – The Rolling Stones  Amazon iTunes
9.  Why Do Fools Fall In Love – Diana Ross  Amazon iTunes
8.  Young Turks – Rod Stewart  Amazon iTunes
7.  Let’s Groove – Earth, Wind & Fire  Amazon iTunes
6.  Private Eyes – Daryl Hall & John Oates  Amazon iTunes
5.  Here I Am – Air Supply  Amazon iTunes
4.  Oh No – Commodores  Amazon iTunes
3.  Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police  Amazon iTunes
2.  Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner  Amazon iTunes
1.  Physical – Olivia Newton-John  Amazon iTunes

10.  Start Me Up – The Rolling Stones  Although included on their 1981 album Tattoo You, "Start Me Up" was recorded back in 1977, reportedly on the same day that "Miss You" was recorded.  Both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were convinced the song was meant to be a reggae tune, but after countless unsuccessful takes, ditched the track.  Musician and assistant Chris Kimsey, who was working on Tattoo You, reached back into the archives to see if there was any material for the album.  Somewhere in the middle of the reggae takes, he found a straight-ahead rock version.  All that was needed were some overdubs, both musical and vocal, and the number was complete.  

This was the last week that "Start Me Up" would sit in the Top 10.  It peaked at #2, held off the top by that damn Christopher Cross and his witty theme about Arthur.  Still, I doubt there are many places in the world where the opening "Start Me Up" riff remains unrecognizable.

9.  Why Do Fools Fall In Love – Diana Ross  After the success of solo tracks such as "I’m Coming Out" and "Upside Down" (which we covered in Chart Attack! #7), Diana Ross made the controversial move away from the label that had made her a star.  She left Motown for a reported $20 million contract with RCA Records, releasing this cover of the song by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers as her first single.  It peaked at #7, and for many, became the definitive version of the song.  To be honest with you, I’m not even sure if I can recall hearing the Lymon version at all.  I think I always assumed it was a Supremes song.

8.  Young Turks – Rod Stewart  The lyrics to this song never actually mention "young turks."  The mention "young hearts" instead.  "Young Turks" which actually has a much different meaning, was a slang English phrase for rebellious teenagers.  The music to the song was written by Carmine Appice and Duane Hitchings.  Armed with synths and a drum machine, they presented the completed backing to Stewart, who wrote the lyrics.  They tell the story of two teenagers who run away to be together and then, in the last line, the girl (Patti) gives birth to a ten-pound baby boy, and then it’s just a repeat of the chorus.  So we never know if there’s some kind of lesson to be learned here or something.  Rod is either being vague or stupid.

"Young Turks" received heavy airplay on MTV, thanks to Rod having a number of prepared videos at MTV’s launch only 4 months’ prior.  Gangs dance in the street, Rod and his bandmembers wear bandanas around their necks (when was this a good idea, people?), and MTV plays its first video featuring breakdancing.  Watch it here.

7.  Let’s Groove – Earth, Wind & Fire (download)  Seriously, how do you not love this song?  Although not their highest-charting pop single ("Shining Star" was a #1), "Let’s Groove" remains the band’s biggest hit, topping the R&B charts for a then record-breaking 11 weeks.  It was also their last pop hit.  I could say more, but the song speaks for itself.  Enjoy.

6.  Private Eyes – Daryl Hall & John Oates

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Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, we can move on.  "Private Eyes" was part of the Daryl Hall & John Oates "comeback" of the early 1980s, solidifed by the success of the album prior to this one, Voices.  The single became their third #1, and their fourth single to sell over a million copies.  (It also dissed The Stones and hopped right over them to knock Christopher Cross off the top spot.)  H&O remained on fire for the next 4 years.

5.  Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You) – Air Supply  Gotta love the parentheses.  Actually, I have no idea why they didn’t just can "Here I Am" in the title altogether.  See, this is where we start leaning towards Mellow Gold status.  Their fifth hit to reach the Top Five, this song happened smack in the middle of a two-year assault on the US charts, beginning in May 1980 and ending in September 1982.  Every single made the Top Five.  You remember when it was cool to be this wussy, right?

4.  Oh No – Commodores (download)  See, now here’s a song that needed some parentheses.  "Oh No (Lionel Please Don’t Go)," for example.  It’s not that The Commodores weren’t producing non-Richie hits at the time.  There was "Lady (You Bring Me Up)," and then there was…uh…huh.  I guess that was the only real non-Richie hit since "Brick House" in ’77.  Every other song to make an impact on the charts was a Richie-penned ballad.  So the writing was clearly on the wall.  You all know I’m a big Richie fan, so yes, I really do like this song.  Nevermind that the piano, and key, is so similar to all of Richie’s other ballads.  The man writes an unbelievable hook.  The Commodores would have one more hit in "Nightshift" in 1985 – their only hit without Richie.

3.  Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police  Like "Start Me Up," this song had origins in the mid-70s – Sting wrote it in 1976 and performed with his pre-Police band, Strontium 90 (which was essentially the Police plus another bassist).  It was somewhat of a departure from the ska singles the Police had been successful with in the past, and went on to win an Ivor Novello award for Best Pop Song.  It’s been covered numerous times, most notably by Shawn Colvin (switching the gender), and Sting himself has shown an affinity for his own line of "it’s a big enough umbrella but it’s always me who ends up getting wet," which shows up in The Police song "O My God" and the Sting solo tune "Seven Days."

2.  Waiting For A Girl Like You – Foreigner  Oh, the whine!  THE WHINE!  Whatever, I’m not going to bash it, it works for this song.  Taken from their fourth album, uh, 4, the song spent a record-breaking 10 weeks at #2 (most of it behind our #1 hit today).  Most people would find this song typical of Foreigner, but remember that by this point, most of Foreigner’s hits – nine in the Top 20 – had been upbeat rockers.  "Waiting" was their first power ballad hit, from an album co-produced by "Mutt" Lange.   (All makes sense now, right?)

1.  Physical – Olivia Newton-John  There’s no real way for me to describe how huge "Physical" was at this point in time.  I imagine some of you who were there remember, and are bristling right now.  "Physical" was quite different from any previously-released single by Newton-John.  It was poppier, not sappy at all, and was actually censored or banned from many radio stations because of its explicit content.  Nevertheless, "Physical" was an unbelievable chart performer.  It hit #1  two weeks prior to this one, and remained there for 10 weeks – making it the #1 song of 1982, and the most successful pop song on the Hot 100 during the 1980s, period.  At the time, the only song that had spent more time at #1 was "Hound Dog."  Newton-John first heard the song as it was about to be offered to Rod Stewart (frighteningly enough, it probably would have worked for him).  Before the release, she became quite nervous about the song’s sexual theme, afraid that it would tarnish the image the public had grown to love – thus the aerobic-themed video was born, in an attempt to change the song’s focus to exercise instead of sex.  Obviously, she had nothing to worry about!

And that’ll do it for another week of CHART ATTACK!  See you next week!  And be sure to come back on Monday for a holiday surprise…

Welcome back, my friends, to another edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Oh, what wussiness shall we cover today? No need to wait to find out: IT’S TIME TO GET GENTLE!

Rupert Holmes РEscape (The Pi̱a Colada Song) (download)

I know what you’re thinking: yet another irritating song by a one-hit wonder. While the “one-hit wonder” part is certainly true, you might be surprised to know that Rupert Holmes’ career has certainly not been limited to this song. First, though, let’s talk about this Mellow Gold hit.

An artist who was once compared to Bob Dylan by Rolling Stone, “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” came from his fifth album Partners In Crime. To be honest, it’s not much of a song: the music is actually just a 16-bar groove that’s been looped a number of times to form a complete tune. The music was recorded well before the lyrics; Holmes wrote a number of words for the song but found that none of them were original enough to stand out above the obviously repetitive music.

The night before his last scheduled recording session for Partners In Crime, Holmes opened up the personals section of The Village Voice and came up with an idea: what if you answered a personal ad, intending to have an affair, and found out the woman on the other end was actually your wife? You have to admit that, as song scenarios go, this is a pretty good one. The lyrics were almost perfect, but Holmes wasn’t satisfied with his hook: “If you like Humphrey Bogart, and getting caught in the rain.” (If you’re trying to sing this to yourself, put the emphasis on the word “like.”) Reminiscent of other Holmes songs that referenced movies, he changed the reference to piña coladas just five minutes before laying down the vocal, despite never having tasted one in his life. The vocal you’re hearing is Holmes’ first-take scratch vocal.

The song was originally released simply as “Escape,” but the record company convinced a reluctant Holmes to amend the title after hearing that people were going to record stores asking for “the song about piña coladas.” The song was extremely successful – WABC in New York played it while it was still at #60, which was a rarity for them – and it became the final #1 of 1979. It fell to #2 during the first week of 1980, but hit #1 again the following week, which made Holmes the only artist to hit #1 with the same song in two consecutive decades. (This fact seems to be erroneously reported on a number of websites, including Holmes’ himself – they claim that it was the last #1 of 1979 and the first #1 of 1980. Not true. You can blame K.C. and The Sunshine Band for the interruption.)

“Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” has, of course, been a double-edged sword for Holmes. As he’s said: “No matter what else I do, my tombstone will be a giant pineapple.” Everybody hopes for a hit like this one, but I can imagine that when you go on to other successes, it can get a little tiring.

What successes, you may ask? How about his career as a playwright? In 1985, Holmes wrote the book, music and lyrics to an adaptation of the Dickens novel The Mystery Of Edwin Drood. The Broadway musical won five Tony Awards, including Best Musical. Holmes won himself for Best Book and Best Score, and also won three Drama Desk Awards. His play Say Goodnight, Gracie was the longest running Broadway play of its season, and was nominated for a Tony as well. His newest musical is Curtains, for which he wrote the book (music by Kander & Ebb), coming to Broadway in 2007.

Separate from Broadway, he’s the creator and writer of the short-lived TV show Remember WENN (which starred my buddy and co-actor, the late George Hall), the author of best-selling book Where The Truth Lies (which became a movie starring Kevin Bacon), and has a new successful novel out entitled Swing. Oh, and by the way, he wrote – oooh, I love this – “You Got It All,” which was a hit for The Jets in 1986.

So. It’s not like he’s only big in Syracuse, people. Rupert Holmes has far surpassed his Mellow Gold status. And yet, it’s still the #1 thing for which he’ll always be remembered. And the worst part? He finally tried the piña colada, and hated it: “It tastes like Kaopectate and club soda.”

Randy VanWarmer – Just When I Needed You Most (download)

Covering this Mellow Gold gem was inevitable. Woofpop suggested it first; then Terje; then David. Seriously, I think that’s the most requests I’ve had for a single song. (Three requests is the most? Not sure if that’s good or bad.)

They’re all with good reason. “Just When I Needed You Most” is Mellow Gold at its Mellow Goldiest. It’s written from the point of view of a man who has absolutely no freaking trace of dignity left. As woofpop said, it’s Dan Hill getting dumped. I’ll see your Dan Hill, sir, and raise you Paul Davis, after the girl realizes the cool night doesn’t feel right, and she goes.

Randy VanWarmer wussed onto the scene in 1979. Although born in America, he moved to England as a child following his father’s death, and returned in his 20s, settling on Woodstock as home. And, naturally, as a Woodstock resident, became friends with Robbie Dupree. (There should be a sign when you enter Woodstock: Do not attempt to avoid Robbie Dupree.)

VanWarmer signed with Bearsville Records, a local label run by Albert Grossman, Bob Dylan’s manager, whose most prominent artist was Todd Rundgren. “Just When I Needed You Most” eventually reached #4 on the Billboard charts in September 1979, and it proved to be VanWarmer’s only hit. As a writer, he penned a #1 country song recorded by the Oak Ridge Boys in 1984, “I Guess It Never Hurts To Hurt Sometimes.” (Quick MG connection: members of the Oak Ridge Boys were also in The Boys Band, covered here in MG #8!) In 1992, he also hit #1 on the country charts as a writer for Alabama, with their hit “I’m In A Hurry (And I Don’t Know Why).” “Just When I Needed You Most” was covered by a few artists, most notably Dolly Parton in 1996.

So back to the song itself. It’s actually quite pretty. It’s melodic, and the vocal is sweet, albeit high; it’s what Timothy B. Schmit would sound like if somebody cut off his other nut. I can see why it was a hit, given the disturbingly high levels of male sensitivity in the late ’70s. I don’t know; I suppose there might have even been a time where a girl might hear a pathetic whimper like this song, go “awwww, that’s so sweet!” and take the lame, sad sap back.

Who am I kidding? Nobody would date a guy who sang shit like this! It’s yet another Mellow Gold song that proves why she left in the first place! Will we ever find a song that features a guy who will actually fight to get his woman back? A man who will fight for her honor? A man who will be the hero she’s thinking of? Oh god, I just quoted Peter Cetera. You see what you’ve done to me, Randy VanWarmer? You’ve reduced me to using Peter Cetera as an example of a man who…well, nevermind, just an example of a MAN. It’s sad, Randy…

…and yet I really like this song. Between you and me, I could totally see myself getting dumped, putting on a robe, grabbing a pint of Chubby Hubby, curling up in the fetal position on the couch and crying hysterically all night to this song.

I think there may be an additional reason why VanWarmer’s records may not have been flying off the shelves: VanWarmer was yet another victim of Terrible Album Covers.

There’s this one:

“Mommmm! Randy’s trying to make me play Doctor again!”

and this one:

“Call Me” is a track from the album, but in this case, I think he may have just written it in so someone would call him.

oh, and this one:

“Houston, we have a problem: I’m a dork.”

Sadly, Randy VanWarmer died on January 12, 2004, of leukemia. I found some articles on his death and posts on blog sites, and was impressed at how many people loved his music (and, obviously, this song, since it was his only hit). Fare thee well, Mr. VanWarmer: the world is a wussier place because of you.

And that’s the end of another week of Adventures Through The Mines of Mellow Gold! See you soon!