Karla Bonoff – Personally (download)

As you know, it’s not often that we cover the Ladies of Mellow Gold.  I think that maybe the reason for this is that it’s just easier for me to make fun of the guys, but don’t be fooled into thinking that their contributions to the Mellow Category are any less valid than the ones by the dudes (who aren’t really men, anyway):  "Personally" is a fantastic mellow record, one that could only be improved upon if it featured a cameo by our above-pictured hero.  But we won’t hold that against her.  Shall I regale you with a bit of Karla Bonoff history?  (Shut up, I’m doing it anyway.)

Karla Bonoff, spending the day at Neverland Ranch

Karla Bonoff was born in Southern California and, from a very early age, showed a clear talent for singing and songwriting.  By 16, she had recorded a demo for Elektra Records.  She spent many evenings at The Troubadour in L.A. and eventually fell in with three like-minded individuals:  Kenny Edwards, Wendy Waldman, and (drum roll please) Andrew Gold.  The four of them formed a band named Bryndle and although they recorded an album for A&M in 1970, it was never released.  (A pox on your house, Herb Alpert!)

Bryndle disbanded, and Gold and Edwards joined the backing band for Linda Ronstadt (earlier, Edwards had been a member of Ronstadt’s first band, The Stone Poneys).  When Ronstadt went looking for new material to record, the men passed her a Bonoff demo.  Ronstadt wound up recording a number of Bonoff tunes – three on her 1976 album Hasten Down The Wind alone.  Bonoff embarked on a solo career, and had moderate success (a few Top 100 singles, anyway) from her first two albums.  It was her 1982 album, Wild Heart Of The Young, that featured her biggest hit, "Personally," which peaked at #19.

Damn you, Sanborn!  You’re on everything!  Ahh, that chorus is fantastic – it’s one of those earworms that never seems to get too annoying.  In fact, the chorus is so perfect that Kelly kind of got lazy on the second verse.  See, the first verse appropriately leads up to the chorus, explaining how our protagonist (I try to use this word as often as I can, it makes me feel smart) has been writing all these letters, but now has to do something more.  Okay, that makes sense.  However, verse two:  "There’s nothing like the feeling I get/Oh when you touch me baby/There’s nothing like the feeling you get/When I’m there with you, oh love."  While I get the point he’s making, he couldn’t come up with something better than those first two lines?  I’m convinced he just took those from another mellow gold tune, somewhere.

Of course, here’s the real mystery of the song: we never actually find out what, exactly, Bonoff is bringin’ to him personally.  Yes, we know she can’t send it in, can’t phone it in, can’t use semaphore, can’t send it via carrier pigeon, can’t strap it to a small barrel that’s subsequently attached to the neck of a Saint Bernard, etc.  But we don’t know what "it" is.  My guess is that it’s similar to the "that" that Meatloaf won’t do (although he’s made it clear he’ll do anything else for love), but I don’t know for sure.  So (ahem):

10.  The Edge Of Heaven – Wham!  Amazon iTunes
9.  Take My Breath Away – Berlin  Amazon iTunes
8.  Rumors – Timex Social Club  Amazon
7.  Dancing On The Ceiling – Lionel Richie  Amazon iTunes
6.  Venus – Bananarama  Amazon iTunes
5.  We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off – Jermaine Stewart  Amazon
4.  Higher Love – Steve Winwood  Amazon iTunes
3.  Mad About You – Belinda Carlisle  Amazon iTunes
2.  Glory Of Love – Peter Cetera  Amazon
1.  Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna  Amazon iTunes

10.  The Edge of Heaven – Wham! (download)

We all know that I have an unexplainable, slightly embarrassing affection for most Wham! songs, right?  Okay, good.  Then I can just go right ahead and say that I love this song.  I think it’s absolutely stupid, but extremely catchy and I love the horn section.  Taken from their last album – The Final in the UK and Music From The Edge Of Heaven in the US – this song was promoted as the band’s "swan song", and featured yet another video proving that Andrew Ridgeley had little else to do other than pretend to play guitar.  Plus, as it’s their "goodbye" message, there are tons of clips from previous videos, and a poignant "goodbye" message at the end.  What?  It’s not poignant?  Well, I sure as hell thought so when I was 9.  Either way, though, you gotta love George Michael in fringe.

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George has actually performed this song on his recent European tour, which shocks the hell out of me.  Now all I need to hear is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" live and I’ll be set.

9.  Take My Breath Away – Berlin 

Here’s what you may already know about "Take My Breath Away:"

– from the soundtrack to Debbie Does Top Gun
– huge hit (reached #1 for a week in September, ousted by Huey Lewis, that rat bastard)
– award winning (Academy Award and Golden Globe Award for Best Song)
– officially the last we heard, or cared, about Berlin (the band, not the city)

"It was one of two songs I heard where I said, ‘That is a hit’ (The other being The Police’s ‘Every Breath You Take’). You can say, ‘That sounds like a hit,’ but very seldom do you go ‘That song is a hit.’ Giorgio (Moroder) called me, ‘Martha, I have this song for this movie, can you come over and see me?’ I said sure. I sang it and he gave me a cassette of what I had done that day. That very cassette is the only remaining copy. No one has the actual reel-to-reel of it. (For ‘Anthologyland,’ they used the best technology to give it a rich sound.) Next thing I know, Teri Nunn had it and I was like, ‘C’est la vie.’ I’m a writer, and I’d much rather be known for something I had done. What if I had been known for doing ‘Take My Breath Away’? Would I have been overlooked for the other things that I do? So maybe it’s better that it happened that way."

That sounds exactly like what I would say if a huge hit like "Take My Breath Away" was taken away from me!

8.  Rumors – Timex Social Club (download) 

I take pride in boasting that I know the majority of songs that cracked the top 10 in the ’80s.  However, I could not place this song for the life of me – and even when I heard it, I still had no recollection of ever hearing it.  Clearly I’m alone on this one – even my wife scolded me for not remembering this song.  (All night:  "Are you sure you don’t know this song?  How can you not know this song?")  So download and let me know if you have any memories surrounding it.  I did like the extreme overuse of the TR-808 cowbell (discussed in CHART ATTACK! #36).  And how about some of these lyrics:

Hear the one about Tina, some say she’s much too loose
That came straight from a guy who claims he’s tastin’ her juice
Hear the one about Michael, some say he must be gay
I try to argue, but they said if he was straight he wouldn’t move that way
Hear the one about Susan, some say she’s just a tease
In a camisole she’s six feet tall, she’ll knock you to your knees

Charming.  Please don’t make me write any more about Timex Social Club.  Watch the video if you’d like – it’s a poor mix of live-action and cartoons.  The section with the lyrics above is equally appealing.

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7.  Dancing On The Ceiling – Lionel Richie

Lionel Richie was on fire in 1986.  "Dancing On The Ceiling" is a testament to his popularity.  This song is really, really stupid.  However, it’s Lionel, and it’s catchy, so it was a hit.  Another song that was just perfect for MTV viewers, the video didn’t have any computer tricks:  instead, it featured an expensive rotating set that gave the effect of, yes, dancing on the ceiling (and the walls).  I vaguely remember seeing a documentary on MTV at the time of the video’s release, but doggone it, it’s not on YouTube.  The Pop-Up Video (I love Pop-Up Video) version used to be on YouTube, but it’s been taken down.  Among the facts I remember, though, are that it was the most expensive video since "Thriller" in 1984, and the director also directed Fred Astaire dancing on the ceiling in 1951’s Royal Wedding.  (!!!)

Take the time out to watch this video.  It’s really a classic.  The outfits, the hairdos, the choreography, the keytar, Lionel’s ‘stache, the inexplicable cameo by Cheech (and one other comedian, which I won’t spoil), and the fact that you’ll probably watch the video and still wonder, "how’d they do that?"

I guess, for the purposes of pop culture, we’ll consider Jermaine Stewart a one-hit wonder, although I’m sure one of you will point out that he did have a Top 30 in ’88.  Stewart was a dancer on Soul Train and American Bandstand, and also a popular session musician.  His backing vocals are all over Culture Club’s Colour By Numbers, and the band was party responsible for Stewart getting a contract with Arista Records.  Another interesting fact: he released a song called "Jody," a tribute to Jody Watley (who was still in Shalamar at the time).  However, this was his big hit, peaking here at #5 this week.  Apparently, this song was a hit because it was in support of some sexual moderation at a time when AIDS was finally national news.  Stewart unfortunately died in 1997 of liver cancer, brought on by, um, AIDS.

This week, we’re only going to cover one song.  Why?  Because the story’s so good, it deserves its own post.

Benny Mardones – Into The Night (download)

You could call Benny Mardones a one-hit wonder.  But technically, you could also call Benny Mardones a two-hit wonder.  And he has a pretty interesting background, too, but we’ll get to that in a minute.  First, let’s talk about the song itself.

It’s like having a dream
Where nobody has a heart
It’s like having it all
And watching it fall apart
And I would wait till the end of time for you
And do it again, it’s true
I can’t measure my love
There’s nothing to compare it to

I think that’s quite pretty.  Of course, there’s just one problem: the opening line.

She’s just sixteen years old
leave her alone, they say

(shakes head)
(bangs head on desk)
(goes to call the cops)
(thinks better of it, hangs up)

Great.  This romantic song has been ruined for me because he’s singing it to a sixteen year-old.  Listen, I’m not saying that Benny Mardones likes little girls.  I’m saying this song is not helping any if he’s trying to prove that he doesn’t.

Apparently, though, nobody gives a shit, and nobody gave a shit back then – because, again, the song reached #11 in 1980.  And that’s not all.

In 1989, a station in Phoenix drummed up some interest in the song during a "Where Are They Now?" segment.  Somehow, word got to Scott Shannon, Program Director at Pirate Radio in Los Angeles.  Scott’s been running some of the biggest stations in the biggest markets for the past zillion years.  Anyway, in 1989, he added "Into The Night" back onto the station’s playlist, and soon enough, stations around the country were spinning a nine year-old song.  Nine years later, "Into The Night" was back on the charts, and peaked at #20.

Benny Mardones may have been a drug addict by then, but he was no fool.  If you were a one-hit two-hit one hit wonder, what would you do?

You’d get your ass back into the studio and try to capitalize on the success, that’s what you’d do.

And so Benny went back into the studio, now signed with Curb Records (’cause the folks at Curb Records weren’t fools either), and re-recorded "Into The Night."  The re-release appeared on his self-titled 1989 album ("known as ‘The Blue Album’ to his fans," his website says!).

I thought about offering "Into The Night ’89" up here for download.  But there really wasn’t any point.  For starters, you don’t need two versions of "Into The Night."  In fact, you might wind up hating me for it.  And there’s really not much of a difference between the two versions.  His voice has a little more wear and tear.  The instrumentation is a little different – there’s suddenly an acoustic guitar and the bass has a terrible effect on it.  We didn’t really need an "Into The Night ’89," but by golly, we got it.

UPDATE 10 AM:  So I go to my mailbox this morning and what’s waiting for me?  A pristine, still-in-shrinkwrap copy of Benny Mardones’ self-titled 1989 release on Curb Records.  Thank you to you-know-who for sending me this…(struggles to think of the right word)…CD.  (Note 8/15/07: since this post, you-know-who has sent me just about every Mardones CD available.  They’re sitting here at work.  I see them every day.  Yet I can’t bring myself to play any of them.  It’s like listening to one of Meat Loaf’s albums that’s not Bat Out Of Hell.)

So since I have it right here anyway, go ahead, torture yourself.  If you dare.

Benny Mardones – Into The Night ’89 (download)

Things went downhill yet again after that for Benny Mardones, but not before he re-recorded the song another two frickin’ times: there’s "Into The Night (acoustic)" and "Into The Night (2002 Version)."  The former features some lame ad-libs, and the latter has a voice that can no longer belt the other high notes.  It brings absolutely nothing to the table.  In fact, it takes things away from the table.  Nobody bought it.

Except, that is, for the constituents of the fine city of Syracuse, NY.

Yes, you read that right.

So what’s Benny been up to lately?  Well, recentlly – just today, actually – he won two awards!  Yes, he won the JasonHare.com Award For Worst Album Title AND Worst Album Cover:

Well, he just beat out this guy for my Favorite Awful Title With The Word "Love" In The Cover.  I’m not even going to dignify the bandana with a comment.  Maybe my wife said it best when she asked, "Is that a woman?"

I know you’re either thinking this story can’t get any better or when will he fucking shut up about Benny Mardones?  Either way, here’s the ending.  I’ve saved the best for last.

Benny has a new documentary, entitled (are you ready for this?) Into The Night:  The Benny Mardones Story.  And according to the cast page, it features such "characters" as Benny himself!  Benny’s Mom!  Roy Orbison!  Wayne Newton!  Richie Havens!  And this guy!

I am not making this up.  I didn’t even put that text on the picture.  I swear.