The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: Jingle Blues
We’re back with another day of Mellowmas - Day 14, to be exact. Is this as painful for you as it is for us? Just curious.
James Taylor - Jingle Bells (download or stream below)
From James Taylor At Christmas Amazon iTunes
Jason: Hey, fake horses!
Jeff: Monty Python horses!
Jason: AUGH!
Jeff: Whoa.
Jason: I hate when JT sings like this.
Jeff: What happened here? Did he record this after a trip to the dentist?
Jason: He sounds like he has Livingston’s balls in his mouth.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: I can’t believe I just said that.
Jeff: I think it’s usually the other way around, but yeah.
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Jeff: “Steamroller Jingle Bells Blues.”
Jason: “The James And Livingston Taylor Teabag Album.” Just a collection of songs with Livingston singing and James cock-walloping him.
Jeff: See, this is what happens when you sell as many records as James Taylor has. No one has the guts to pull you aside and say, “James, I understand what you’re after here, but this is neither the time nor the place.”
Jason: Yes. I mean, this is not a cover.
Jeff: “Quit fucking around and play ‘Jingle Bells’ the way it’s meant to be played.”
Jason: This is some kind of pretentious re-interpretation.
Jeff: “And I swear to God, if you do that New England ‘blues’ growl again, I will hit you in the Adam’s apple.”
Jason: I like his cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” But yeah, this is him saying, “remember when I used to be gritty?” And I don’t, so this isn’t doing anything for me.
Jeff: I think it’s him saying “I’m bored, la la la, I’m making a Christmas record.”
Jason: Holy shit. I just got to the scat.
Jeff: A one, a one, a one…And now the fadeout.
Jason: Jingle Bell ba fa fa ba fa ba
Jeff: I think the engineers got sick of listening to it.
Jason: Gee, I wonder why they couldn’t just end it definitively. Maybe because they never had any structure to begin with.
Jeff: I bet he did. I bet he was like, “Chicken chokin’ motherfuckin’ jingle baaaaay-heeeeells…”
Jason: ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: And everyone clapped, knowing they had faded it out already. And James Taylor hasn’t listened to one of his own albums in 30 years, so he never knew.
Jason: JT is capable of so many beautiful things, Jeff. Why did you send me this one? Thanks for the marble-mouthed Christmas carol, James. You suck.
Jeff: Boo!
December 14th, 2007 at 9:16 am
That was pretty terrible (and this is coming from someone who bought the most recent Taylor disc). If nothing else, that picture kept his twelve-year-plus-long streak of baldness-free covers intact. Well done, James!
December 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am
It sounds like JT had been eating a peanut butter sammy before the engineer hit “record.”
December 14th, 2007 at 10:11 am
But yeah, this is him saying, “remember when I used to be gritty?” And I don’t, so this isn’t doing anything for me.
LOL! “I was a junkie once! Take me seriously!”
December 14th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Sounds like the old Bobby McFerrin-Robin Williams duets where Robin would just go into wacky improv mode. Except JT isn’t quite as wacky as Robin.
December 14th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Is that an album cover or a Gap dangler?
… And by “dangler,” I meant “point-of-sale signage that hands by a wire from the store ceiling.” Though I could just as well be furthering the teabag joke.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Mellowmas Rebellion!
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/12/crowd_revolts_at_hall_oates_ho.html
December 14th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
JT looks like he’s trapped in some form of mechanical exoskeleton.
Lucky.
December 14th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
“Is that an album cover or a Gap dangler?”
I was thinking Old Navy, but kudos for the train of thought.
December 14th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Of all the Christmas songs to fuck up with pretentious, jazzy, mush-mouth meanderings, why this one? This is the worst version I’ve heard since Barbara Streisand’s “JING-gle bells, JING-gle bells, JING-JANG-GLE” pieco-o-crap came out years ago.
Does he have grandkids yet? That’s the only reason I can think of for doing this.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
I doubt his grandkids are this square.
December 15th, 2007 at 12:35 am
I just found this website and I have been cracking up. This is going to make the holiday season much brighter. Thank you for being funny. Oh and yes I think this is the worst James Taylor ever. The cover alone is enough to make me cringe.
December 15th, 2007 at 10:48 am
OK, so this is not the best version of Jingle Bells to ever be recorded, but in my book, JT gets a permanent nut guard for writing the immortal lyrics “Churnin’ urn of burnin’ funk”.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
“Churnin’ urn of burnin’ funk”
He should be forced to accept that as his epitaph.