Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Hey, real drums!

Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.

Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.

Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!

Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?

Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.

Jeff: Literally.

Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.

Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.

Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.

Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.

Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.

Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.

Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.

Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.

Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: OH FUCK.

Jeff: Children’s choir!!!

Jason: KIDS! FUCKING KIDS!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!

Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”

Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?

Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.

Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.

Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.

Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.

[youtube]mpnb6WxO_os[/youtube]

We’re back with another day of Mellowmas – Day 14, to be exact. Is this as painful for you as it is for us? Just curious.

James Taylor – Jingle Bells (download or stream below)
From James Taylor At Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/James Taylor – Jingle Bells.mp3]

Jason: Hey, fake horses!

Jeff: Monty Python horses!

Jason: AUGH!

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: I hate when JT sings like this.

Jeff: What happened here? Did he record this after a trip to the dentist?

Jason: He sounds like he has Livingston’s balls in his mouth.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I can’t believe I just said that.

Jeff: I think it’s usually the other way around, but yeah.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jeff: “Steamroller Jingle Bells Blues.”

Jason: “The James And Livingston Taylor Teabag Album.” Just a collection of songs with Livingston singing and James cock-walloping him.

Jeff: See, this is what happens when you sell as many records as James Taylor has. No one has the guts to pull you aside and say, “James, I understand what you’re after here, but this is neither the time nor the place.”

Jason: Yes. I mean, this is not a cover.

Jeff: “Quit fucking around and play ‘Jingle Bells’ the way it’s meant to be played.”

Jason: This is some kind of pretentious re-interpretation.

Jeff: “And I swear to God, if you do that New England ‘blues’ growl again, I will hit you in the Adam’s apple.”

Jason: I like his cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” But yeah, this is him saying, “remember when I used to be gritty?” And I don’t, so this isn’t doing anything for me.

Jeff: I think it’s him saying “I’m bored, la la la, I’m making a Christmas record.”

Jason: Holy shit. I just got to the scat.

Jeff: A one, a one, a one…And now the fadeout.

Jason: Jingle Bell ba fa fa ba fa ba

Jeff: I think the engineers got sick of listening to it.

Jason: Gee, I wonder why they couldn’t just end it definitively. Maybe because they never had any structure to begin with.

Jeff: I bet he did. I bet he was like, “Chicken chokin’ motherfuckin’ jingle baaaaay-heeeeells…”

Jason: ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: And everyone clapped, knowing they had faded it out already. And James Taylor hasn’t listened to one of his own albums in 30 years, so he never knew.

Jason: JT is capable of so many beautiful things, Jeff. Why did you send me this one? Thanks for the marble-mouthed Christmas carol, James. You suck.

Jeff: Boo!

Happy First Day Of Extended Mellowmas! The scary thing is…we’re just getting started!

John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” (download or stream below)
From Rocky Mountain Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: What song today?

Jason: Ready to plead to daddy?

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Oh yes. Please. Daddy. Don’t get drunk this Christmas.  Hey, didn’t your daughter sing this song to you last year?

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/denvertest.mp3]

Jason: Oh god. I can’t believe this song.

Jeff: I never liked John Denver.  I can’t believe those nerds from the Starland Vocal Band wrote it.

Jason: They wrote this for him?

Jeff: Either that or he stole it.

Jason: Holy shit! Talk about a passive-aggressive intervention! “Oh yeah, John, we, um, wrote this for….someone else…Jim Croce.”

Jeff: Goddammit, if you had a kid who sounded like this, don’t you think you’d get drunk every night of the fucking year?

Jason: Ha ha ha! Actually, I’d probably pay a pilot to sabotage a…oh.

Jeff: “I turned around and saw my mama’s tears.” This is depressing as hell. Is it supposed to be funny? Because it isn’t.

Jason: I love the voice crack on “Please.”

Jeff: Yeah, but it would be better if he didn’t do it every single time.

Jason: Big finish! Big finish for the alcoholic!

Jeff: Blech.

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: Miserable.

Jason: That was 2:37 and we had nothing to say about it.

Jeff: Well, I mean, it’s kind of heartbreaking.

Jason: I thought we were going to be much funnier with this one.

Jeff: One of the SVB members must have had a horrible childhood.

Jason: Who writes Christmas songs like this?

Jeff: The Danoffs! No wonder their Christmas album was never officially released!

Jason: Oh, you’re not going to get me to speak ill about SVB again. I don’t think Bill Danoff is too happy about last year.

Jeff: I’m not happy about right now.

Jason: And I still feel bad about it. I seriously love Starland Vocal Band.

Jeff: Even after this?

Jason: Bill, if you’re reading this, well, first, why are you reading this? Second, I love you.

Jeff: Third, what the hell were you thinking?

Jason: Don’t listen to him, Bill!

Jeff: What’s next, “Please Daddy (No More Sodomy for New Year’s)”?

Jason: I think Bill was clearly trying to tell John that maybe – just maybe – he needed to, you know, not get drunk this Christmas.

Jeff: I’m telling you, that song came from a very real, very dark place. And it should have stayed there.

Jason: I wonder if there’s a published story behind it.

Jeff: Me too.

Jason: I guess I’ll just keep on wondering. Because I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Jeff: I’m looking it up. Oh. My. God. The Decemberists covered this. What kind of world do we live in?

Jason: They did? I know Alan Jackson did.

Jeff: Alan Jackson will cover anything.

Jason: The Decemberists probably being ironic. I’m not listening to this. I won’t. I refuse.

Jeff: Dude, it literally cannot be worse than this.

Jason: Please Jefito (Don’t Make Me Listen To Indie Hipsters This Christmas)

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Folks, normally the Twelfth Day Of Mellowmas would also be the last day of Mellowmas. This year, though, it’s just another crappy day!

Daryl Hall & John Oates – Christmas Must Be Tonight (download or stream below)
From Home For Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Daryl Hall and John Oates – Christmas Must Be Tonight.mp3]

Jeff: Chimey!

Jason: Okay, good start….and then Daryl Hall opened his mouth.

Jeff: Goin’ down to Bethlehem!

Jason: BethLEEhem? Where the fuck is that?

Jeff: Fuck you, Daryl Hall!

Jason: Did this song need to be covered?

Jeff: This is lazy, lazy, lazy.

Jason: I like the original.

Jeff: I haven’t heard the original, and now I never want to.

Jason: Is Oates even on those vocals?

Jeff: You think Oates would touch this? He was home, rolling around in his money.

Jason: I wish Oates would come out with a $100 under his nose instead of a moustache. See, they insist on changing the rhythm and shit, and it’s awful.

Jeff: Daryl used to be a great vocalist. I haven’t heard him do one vocal since the early ’90s that wasn’t full of shtick.

Jason: It’s not that his voice sounds bad. It’s that he refuses to sing anything without going all soul ad-lib.

Jeff: It’s like he listens to nothing but old Keith Sweat records.

Jason: Ha ha!

Jeff: And he thinks the rest of us don’t notice.

Jason: Hammond!

Jeff: Real organ: Yes or no? I say no.

Jason: Yeah, I think it is. I’m not going to bet you, though. I remember our Jim Nabors bet.

Jeff: Never mention that name to me again. You think everything is real.

Jason: It goes with my Christmas spirit. I believe in real organs. And Jim Nabor kicking the bucket.

Jeff: Son of a carpenter!

Jason: I can’t believe you don’t know the original version of this song. It’s by The Band!

Bonus Non-Shitty Mellowmas Download:
The Band – Christmas Must Be Tonight (download)

Jason: Well, trust me, it’s better than this. Like you said at the top: lazy. This just didn’t need to happen.

Jeff: Never in my life have I wanted so badly to strike Daryl Hall.

Jason: You know what’d be great?

Jeff: If Robbie Robertson punched Daryl Hall?

Jason: In my dreams, Oates rips off his moustache and uses it like a nunchaku against Hall.
Jeff: Manga Oates!

Jason: Well, not in my dreams. That sounds awkward. I don’t dream about Oates.
I CAN DREAM ABOUT OAAAAATES!

Jeff: You make my Oates come true!

Jason: Private Oates! Because your Oates! Your Oates is on my list!

Jeff: I wonder if this shitty cover will be a hit? Or if it was a hit last year?

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I’m sorry, did you just say “hit?”

Jeff: You’re right, I should have qualified. “AC hit.”

Jason: Holy shit. You’re wrong, but check out this fact. “The album includes a version of “It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”, which became their second number one Adult Contemporary hit.”

Jeff: See? I knew they’d ship this to AC stations. Receptionists don’t care about The Band.

Jason: Do you know what their first AC #1 was?

Jeff: Hmmm. Something from “Do It for Love.”

Jason: It was “Do It For Love.” You’re good. And really bad. All at once.

[youtube]clJe670fI5w[/youtube]

Day Eleven of Mellowmas is here! Hark, the herald Bolton swings!

Michael Bolton -Joy To The World (download or stream below)
From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Michael Bolton – Joy To The World.mp3]

Jason: Wow! How can this suck already?

Jeff: Why does he have to shout everything?

Jason: “WORLD! REMEMBER ME?”

Jeff: He always sounds like he’s having his prostate examined.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus! His vocal just threw me back in my chair and smacked me around. It’s like he’s ordering me to let Earth receive her King.

Jeff: And heav-EEEEEEEEN

Jason: Apparently me not letting heaven and nature sing is not an option.

Jeff: Swingin’!

Jason: Oooh yeah! I’m tapping my foot! If only I could jam it in my ear!

Jeff: Ugh. I wish Frank Sinatra would rise from the dead and kick Bolton’s ass. Although I guess if he was going to do that, he would have done it after Bolton did Bolton Swings Sinatra last year.

Jason: Oh shit! Choir! That’s a gospel choir, isn’t it. All those singers. All of them now evil in the eyes of God.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Why does Michael Bolton think he’s black?

Jeff: I wish, if Bolton had to do another Christmas record, he would have just turned some of his old hits into carols. And not pooped all over good songs.

Jason: If Kenny G shows up on this track, I’m going to be very, very upset.

Jeff: “How Can We Be Naughty If We Can’t Be Nice,” for instance.

Jason: I don’t even know these verses. I’m assuming they’re real.

Jeff: I’m assuming they’re English.

Jason: Hey, can you imagine Bolton singing “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas?”

Jeff: I’m sure he’d belt it out with the utmost conviction.

Jason: Jeff, are you letting heaven and nature sing?

Jeff: Quiet again!

Jason: Oh, right. Sorry. Shhh.

Jeff: Do you think Bolton owns a reindeer sweater?

Jason: It’s over?

Jeff: I think you mean “It’s over!”

Jason: All that and he ended it softly?

Jeff: “Let heaven and nature sing!”

Jason: Did you? Did you let heaven and nature sing? I mean both of them. Not just one.

Jeff: I tried to, but I couldn’t hear anything over Bolton’s yelling.

Jason: If I find out you just let heaven sing, and completely ignored nature…we’re listening to it again.

Jeff: No! No! I heard them both!

Jason: That’s RIGHT, you heard them both.

Jeff: phew

Jason: I have a cousin who didn’t behave this year. I may put this in
his stocking. Although that’s a bit harsh.

Jeff: Do you really want that on your conscience?

Jason: No, no, you’re right.

Jeff: I mean, if he slept with your wife, maybe.

Jason: I’m feeling sadistic. Wanna listen to it again?

Jeff: Never. Don’t forget, I had to review this.

Jason: I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait until you’re sleeping. Then, very quietly, I’m going to creep into the room. Nevermind how I got keys to your house.

Jeff: And take my son? Please. Take my son.

Jason: No, you’re stuck with that crying lil’ menace. I’m going to get a set of speakers and put them right next to your head. Then I’m going to turn the volume up as high as it will go. I’m going to start this track. And I’m going to watch how fast you jump out of bed, and hopefully take a photo of the look of sheer terror on your face.

Jeff: I’m changing the locks. And phoning the constable.

Jason: It’s either that or I throw a bucket of ice cold water on you. I think you’d prefer the water.

Jeff: You think? I think I’d prefer boiling water.

Jason: What would you prefer: Bolton or a swift kick in the junk?

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Choose, but choose wisely.

Jeff: Which is worse: Bolton or French-kissing your grandmother?

Jason: My grandmother or your grandmother? I just want to be specific here.

Jeff: Bolton’s grandmother!

Jason: HA HA HA!

Jeff: And Jim Nabors has to watch.

Jason: While Daryl Dragon does the soundtrack!

Jeff: …and scene!