Day Ten! If you’ve made it this far…seek professional help.

Survivor – Christmas Is Here (download or stream below)
From A Classic Rock Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Survivor – Christmas Is Here.mp3]

Jason: That’s some nice acoustic guitar.

Jeff: This sounds just like that REO thing from last year.

Jason: I blocked that from my memory. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jeff: Which Survivor singer is this?

Jason: I was just about to ask you the same thing. This isn’t…the usual dude?

Jeff: I have no idea. They sound the same to me.

Jason: Hmm. You know what? I don’t hate this.

Jeff: I wish they’d done “Eye of the Santa.”

Jason: Oh wait, he just said something like “this gift that we call life.” ‘Cause you know that God is watchin’!

Jeff: God is watching his chosen family.

Jason: His chosen family! Wow!

Jeff: Survivor is a Jew!

Jason: Inspirational!

Jeff: It’s true — I feel inspired. To never listen to Survivor again.

Jason: Oh, come on. This actually isn’t that bad. Seriously.

Jeff: It’s no worse than ordinary Survivor.

Jason: This song is not Jewish. For starters, it’s in a major key.

Jeff: Well, yeah, but he said “chosen family.”

Jason: He’s probably talking about the Survivor Fan Club.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: All four members.

Jeff: “We’re blessed with inspiration to be the best that we can be.” Ironic words coming from this band.

Jason: Take your own advice, Survivor! Oooh, nice little bridge-thingie. I like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m deleting it, but it’s not that bad.

Jeff: Do these lyrics even make sense?

Jason: Oh, I’m not listening to the lyrics.

Jeff: If you listen closely, it’s like they strung together left-over lines from other songs.

Jason: Wait wait wait. Hang on. Can we rewind a bit? I just heard a weird lyric right before the guitar solo.

Jeff: See! I told you, fucker!

Jason: I’m going back to 2:40. There’s a lyric I need to hear again.

Jeff: Okay, here it comes.

It can be so cold.
Walkin’ a lonely road.
Out on the edge of town.

Jason:

Just open your heart and see.
It’s not only you and me.
He does it all without a sound
when no one’s around.

Jeff: Whoooooa.

Jason: That’s sketchy, right?? Like Santa’s quietly masturbating in the corner?

Hey, acapella Survivor! And it probably only took around 15 takes! $20 says they can’t do that live.

Jeff: $20 says they can’t get booked live outside of Des Moines. This sounds like reheated Journey.

Jason: Isn’t that what Survivor has been all along?

Jeff: ZANG!

Jason: Hey, don’t they have some of that Starbucks money now?

Jeff: They probably have jobs at Starbucks.

Jason: Stupid ending. You know what that ending screams to me? Auto Tune.

Jeff: The guitar screams Auto Tune?

Jason: No, that final vocal. I refuse to believe he was able to stay in key for that dramatic ending. Regardless, I think this is actually, dare I say, tolerable.

Jeff: It’s okay.

Jason: It really wasn’t that bad.

Jeff: Not the worst thing we’ve heard all Mellowmas.

Jason: Like I said, I’m still deleting it.

Jeff: Out of context, though? It fucking sucks.

Jason: Oh, definitely.

We’re on Day Nine of the Mellowmas Craptacular – are you still with us? Jeff picked quite a few of the tracks for Mellowmas, but I’m proud to say I foisted yesterday’s Fogelberg upon him…and this one, too! (You’re welcome.)

Mirror Image – The Twelve Days Of Christmas (download or stream below)
From Yuletide Disco

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Mirror Image – The Twelve Days Of Christmas.mp3]

Jeff: Oh Jesus.

Jason: YES!!!!

Jeff: What is this? Is this Meco?

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Disco Mellowmas, Bitch!

Jeff: Wow.

Jason: Doo doo do doo! And it goes on like this FOR ANOTHER THREE MINUTES.

Jeff: I’m stunned.

Jason: does happy dance Doo doo do doo! There’s the piano!

Jeff: Where did you find this? And can you put it back?

Jason: I can’t quite remember. I found it recently. I was looking for a supposed classic disco Christmas album. This is not that album.

Jeff: I feel like I’m watching the beginning of a CBS holiday special from 1979.

Jason: Oh, hang on, breaking it down. Break it down, Jeff!

Jeff: Breaking it down all right.

Jason: Are you boogie-ing? Feel the boogie!

Jeff: That isn’t boogie I feel. God, this song is like twelve minutes long…

Jason: So anyway, yeah, I couldn’t find the actual disco album in question, and somehow came across this one. And the worst part is that it’s not REALLY disco. It’s like imitation disco. It’s like store-brand disco. I think if it were true disco, it probably would be tolerable in a so-bad-it’s-good kind of way.

Jeff: Those horns are making me die. And that piano can go to hell.

Jason: resumes happy dance

Jeff: Flutes!

Jason: FIVE GOLDEN CHAINS!

Jeff: Three bitchin’ Ludes! Two lines of coke!

Jason: One wah-wah pedal!

Jeff: And a white linen suit in a pear tree!

Jason: Clap! Clap! Clap! Are you dancing in your seat? Because I’m dancing in my seat!

Jeff: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Jason: Oh, finally, we get some true disco bass. Doo doo do doo! Hahahah! Fade out! What a fucking cop-out!

Jeff: An abrupt fadeout, too! I tell you what, though. This is better than the Fogelberg.

Jason: You think? If only we could somehow combine the two.

Jason: Acoustic Irish holiday disco. You know what the abrupt fadeout means?

Jeff: I wonder if someone had a heart attack, so they had to fade it out sooner than they’d planned.

Jason: Exactly! Either that or they just passed out.

Jeff: Dear God. A Bolivian Christmas.

Jason: God can’t help you here.

Jeff: You can eat shit for sending this to me.

Jason: I’ve never been happier than I am right now.

Well, folks, we had some good luck yesterday, didn’t we?  Everybody seems to pretty much agree that the Carrack tune was a good one.  Even reader Old Davy seems to think so:

Jason and Jeff, our Mellowmas leaders
You’ve only offered crap to all your blog readers
From Hippos and Pendergrass to a song by Pyle
The tracks have all been disgusting and vile

But lo and behold, what is this that I hear?
Some soulful samba to make listeners cheer
It took you a week, but day seven’s track
Is a not-half-bad song from ex-Ace man Carrack

After six days of crud I almost began weeping
But now you give us a song that’s worth keeping
Up until now, Mellowmas was sure stinkin’
Just please please please, NO Mandy Patinkin

Bravo!  Bravo!!  However, I’m sorry to inform you that the Carrack tune was a mistake.  Such quality, as you should know by now, will not happen again during Mellowmas.  Hell, read for yourself as we get jiggy with Fogelberg!

Dan Fogelberg – “At Christmas Time” (download or stream below)
From The First Christmas Morning Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Dan Fogelberg – At Christmas Time.mp3]

Jeff: Nice beat!

Jason: Surprise, fucker! Fogelberg’s Christmas album is, like, all Irish step music!

Jeff: It’s like the Mellowmas Death March!

Jason: Wait until you hear him sing! Synth horn!

Jeff: That is not a horn.

Jason: You like that?

Jeff: The Madrigal Fucktard Choir!

Jason: Everybody grab your Guinness!

Jeff: And a pistol! We’re heading out to Fogelberg’s castle!

Jason: You see how he doesn’t even hide the fact that he recorded each verse in two parts?
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
AT CHRISTMAS TIME!

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: does happy dance I’m literally sitting here clapping.

Jeff: He stopped singing, thank God.

Jason: Oh just you wait. Here he comes again!

Jeff: I think some elves just ran through my kitchen.

Jason: Those aren’t elves, Jeff. Those are the Fogelfans. They’re fuming.

Jeff: It’s funny, ’cause he’s singing about peace and sacrifice, but all I want to do is punch someone. Preferably someone with the last name Fogelberg.

Jason:
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
At Christmas time!
AT CHRISTMAS TIME!
COUNT HIS BLESSINGS, SO MANY!!!!
DO IT!!!
DO IT!!!

Jeff: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Jason: Even Tim Weisberg backed out of this one.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: This song is tricky.

Jeff: Tricky? Tricky how?

Jason: Meaning it tricks you. It starts with those great guitars, and then you realize he’s going for some Irish thing. You think you’re getting some kick ass song, and then suddenly you realize you need to put on your dancing shoes and get your cheeks all red.

Jeff: I just deleted it from my hard drive. I will never listen to that song again.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: Fuck your synth horn and patched-in vocals, Fogelberg! You should have done “Same Old Lang Syne II”!

Jason: I will say – because I know we’re going to catch flak from Fogelheads – that there are some very pretty instrumentals on the album. However, most of the vocal tracks have this Irish thing going on. And I know a Fogelfan told me different, but I still insist that the man is Jewish.

Jeff: Whatever. Sellout.

Jason: I mean, his name is FogelBERG. I’m not Jewish, but…oh wait. Yes, I am. So yeah. That’s a Jewish name.

Jeff: I think he changed it from O’Fogel.

Jason: I forgot I was Jewish for a minute. Maybe it’s because I keep listening to Christmas songs. I think it’s also because I don’t go to temple or do anything remotely Jewish, other than complain.

Jeff: Don’t forget Kwanzaa, you racist prick.

Jason: How could I forget Kwanzaa and its many….bountiful….gifts?…of…the…season..?

Jeff: All right, it’s dinnertime here. I’m going to get in trouble.

Jason: It’s dinner time!
It’s dinner time!
It’s dinner time!
It’s dinner time!
It’s dinner time!
It’s dinner time!
IT’S DINNER TIME!!!!

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Something surprising happens today, on Day Seven of Mellowmas: we actually wind up with a song that’s…not so bad! Will you feel the same? Listen and read on, suckas!

Paul Carrack – Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (download or stream below)
From A Soulful Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Paul Carrack – Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.mp3]

Jason: Ooh, listen to that classic sound. That actually is quite pretty.

Jeff: How loooooooooooong…has this reindeer been Rudolphin’ on… I’m falling asleep.

Jason: This doesn’t even sound like Paul Carrack to me. I hope the whole song isn’t this slow.

A few seconds pass.

Jason: OOOOH YEAH! Samba, bitches! Or whatever style this is.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I think Casio calls it “drunk.”

Jason: Okay, well, give him credit for at least shaking it up a little. HORNS!!!

Jeff: Horn blast!

Jason: Those things damn near knocked me out of my chair!

Jeff: I think I can hear him snapping his fingers.

Jason: Jeff? I like this.

Jeff: Oh, wow.

Jason: I actually like this.

Jeff: This is, like, an arrangement.

Jason: I’m not crazy about the samba beat, but the big band sound is working for me.

Jeff: Big finish!

Jason: I like this a lot.

Jeff: Carrack just did the splits!

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: Yelled something unintelligible to the band!

Jason: Carrack quickly left the studio in the middle to write a song for Timothy B. Schmit!

Jeff: Ha! I think this may have actually been recorded live.

Jason: Wait, he just said “Santa came to stay,” not “say.” KEY CHANGE! I LOVE key changes. This song rocks.

Jeff: Yeah, I can’t argue with this.

Jason: It’s actually recorded really well, too. Like, great production.

Jeff: I bow down to Paul Carrack. (applause)

Jason: “History, man!”

Jeff: Paul Carrack saved Mellowmas.

Jason: “Mmmm….Rudolph.”

Jeff: That was great.

Jason: Great ending! You liked it too?

Jeff: Who wouldn’t like that?

Jason: I don’t get it. This isn’t the Paul Carrack I know. For starters, he looks like Mandy Patinkin on the cover.

Jeff: Hey, I’m just as pleasantly surprised as you. I wonder if Patinkin has released a holiday album.

Jason: Oh, I’m sure he has. Not only that, I’m sure I’ve bought it for my mother.

Jeff: Have you heard him sing? He sounds like Jim Nabors’ aunt.

Jason: How about that? He hasn’t. I heard Patinkin on the radio today singing a Sondheim tune. I was really excited to hear it, and then I turned it off instantly.

Jeff: I say we start a letter campaign asking for “A Very Mandy Hanukkah.”

Jason: Happy Patinkinmas! Hey, have you heard the rest of this Carrack album?

Jeff: I haven’t, but now I really want to.

Jason: Yeah. I agree. Wow. I can’t believe that we’re actually not ripping a Mellowmas artist apart. I kind of blame this on you. You picked this one.

Jeff: It seemed perfectly bad. Paul Carrack…Rudolph…what could go right?

Jason: I’m going to have to listen to the rest of this album. We’ve failed, Jeff. We’ve failed ourselves and our readers. I mean, reader. I just heard him leave. He took a ginger snap, some egg nog, gave us the finger and ran out.

Jeff: No, no, we’re just softening them up for the next terrible track. The death blow is so much more painful when you aren’t expecting it.

Jason: Let’s give ’em something really bad tomorrow! Like….FOGELMAS!

Jeff: (evil cackle)

It’s Day Six of Mellowmas, and you may be wondering: is Mellowmas any different over in Jolly Old England? The horrible truth is…it may be worse!

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe & Wine (download or stream below)
From Mistletoe & Wine

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Cliff Richard – Mistletoe And Wine.mp3]

Jason: Wow, listen to that cute little synthesizer.

Jeff: How gentle! How mellow!

Jason: Now, you know the story behind Cliff, right?

Jeff: Isn’t this guy like Elvis in England?

Jason: Apparently. He’s had, like, a million Christmas #1 hits in the UK. I only know him because of “Suddenly” with Olivia.

Jeff: He sounds like a cross between Glenn Medeiros and a recurring nightmare I used to have.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I just spit out my egg nog!

Jeff: Gifts on the tree?

Jason: A time for trusting, not deceiving. Just follow the master, Jeff.

Jeff: Yeah, I noticed that too. I wonder what he’s trying to talk her into?

Jason: Christmas time! Mistletoe and Wine!

Jason: I just heard that line about gifts on the tree again.

Jeff: Again with the gifts on the tree.

Jason: That makes no sense.

Jeff: A time for getting!

Jason: I think that was a real trumpet! Wait…what the hell is that?? Is that a baby crying?? Was that a guy actually pretending to play a harmonica with his mouth?

Jeff: What about that freaky chick doing background?

Jason: Listen to that timpani!!! Oh my god!

Jeff: Wow, is this over the top or what?

Jason: Seriously! And those are real horns, too.

Jeff: It’s like a Meat Loaf Christmas song.

Jason: Mmmm, meatloaf. That sounds better than mistletoe and wine. That sounds like that would taste terrible.

Jeff: Makes about as much sense lyrically as a Loaf song would, actually. There’s that chick again. I wonder if it’s Cliff Richard?

Jason: Ugh!

Jeff: Or if he found himself a little castrato boy?

Jason: I bet that’s not a girl! I bet that’s a boy!

Jeff: On loan from Gary Glitter!

Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, production by Gary Glitter! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I’m scared that we both went there instantly.

Jeff: Our lawyers will be scared, too.

Jason: So Wikipedia says that this was Cliff’s 99th single. And his 12th #1.

Jeff: This was a single? Oh, man. What year?

Jason: 1988! The song “was originally performed by Twiggy in a TV musical based on Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Match Girl in 1986. Richard liked the song but wanted to change the lyrics to reflect a more religious theme, to which the writers agreed.” 4 weeks at #1 and 750,000 copies! Holy shit! I can totally understand it, though. It does have a classic Christmas carol sound.

Jeff: Yeah, well, this is the same country that made a sensation out of that ringtone frog. And Bob the Builder. And the Spice Girls.

Jason: “It was also used in a British public information film about drink driving, with the intention of scaring motorists.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: They succeeded!

Jeff: All they had to do was film a drunk driver frantically trying to change the station! Swerving this way and that!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! “I could have sworn he was talking about gifts on a tree!”

Jeff: Having heard only one of Cliff Richard’s 99 singles, I believe I can now say he sucks.

Jason: That’s not true. You know “Suddenly.” It was a Mellow Gold selection. And I love that song.

Jeff: I may have heard it. But I don’t remember it.

Jason: Nice to know you read my entries. I shouldn’t talk. though. I never read your stuff.

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