Just a week left until Christmas, everybody – as if all this terrible music wasn’t a nagging reminder!

Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over) (download or stream below)
From The Christmas Album Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Neil Diamond – Happy Christmas (War Is Over).mp3]

Jason: Wow, THAT’S a lower key.

Jeff: Kids!

Jason: You know, I still have a soft part in my heart for this song. The original. Nobody should ever cover it. Ever.

Jeff: That’s like starting a fight by kicking someone in the nuts. He just whips out the schmaltz cannon right away.

Jason: “Yeah, hope you have fun!”

Jeff: And SO this is ChristMAS!

Jason: I love how he speaks the end of most of his lines.

Jeff: Have I mentioned how much I hate Neil Diamond’s music?

Jason: “The Jazz Singer” was one of the first movies I remember loving, actually. I was six. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

Jeff: Of all the horrible things you’ve told me about your childhood, that might be the worst.

Jason: I’m going to regret it, I know.

Jeff: Even doing this wonderful song, he sounds like he’s standing in a stadium, legs spread, pointing at the sweaty housewives in the front row.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Horns! “COME ON! ” I wonder who the kids are. I wonder if they’re the same kids Kenny and Dolly used.

Jeff: Maybe they’re all Neil’s.

Jason: Oooh, Neil’s getting gritty!

Jeff: Fucking hell, this sounds like a Neil Diamond parody.

Jason: Yeah. I feel like the message and emotion behind this song has been sucked out.

Jeff: I don’t know how that makes it different from actual Neil Diamond. Actually, I guess it doesn’t.

Jason: Oh shit, adults AND kids on the backing vocals!

Jason: How many fucking times is he going to say “Come on?” Oooh, electric guitar!

Jeff: He’s trying to out-Cliff Richard Cliff Richard.

Jason: YES! That’s perfect, Jeff. He kicked out the kids! They’re gone now!

Jeff: I feel sick.

Jason: Shit, how many voices are going to show up? He’s going to close it with the kids! “Yes it is.” Oooh, and he’s not changing that last chord. How…edgy. Santa on the rocks. Ain’t no big surprise.

Jeff: That song made my son cry. I love my son.

Jason: Jesus, he has two Christmas albums. And a video.

Jeff: Where’s the Hanukkah love, Neil DIAMOND?

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: You fuckin’ sellout!

Jason: Nobody buys Hanukkah albums! Well, except for you.

Jeff: Who buys Neil Diamond albums? The same idiots who’d buy his Hanukkah record.

Jason: And speaking of which, we have Christmas songs and even a Kwanzaa song – but no Hanukkah represented!

Jeff: You know why?

Jason: Because you hate the Jews?

Jeff: I’ll tell you why.

Jason: Tell me why.

Jeff: It’s very simple. There are no shitty Hanukkah songs.

Jason: …there aren’t?

Jeff: None.

Jason: You’ve actually listened to a bunch, haven’t you.

Jeff: I have, in fact. I’m an ardent supporter of Hanukkah music.

Jason: I refuse to believe it. Readers, help us out. Prove Jeff wrong. Send him a shitty Hanukkah song.

Jeff: But it has to be shitty like these ones are shitty.

Jason: And if you send him “Rock of Ages” by Marc Cohn, he’ll start to cry. He has such a boner for that song. Hahah, I totally outed you as gay for Marc Cohn’s Jewish music.

Jeff: I won’t deny it. It’s true. I love that song.

Jason: Why don’t you marry Marc Cohn, then. You guys can have a nice Jewish wedding. He’ll even let you step on the glass.

Jeff: I did that at my wedding.

Jason: Marc Cohn let you step on the glass at your wedding? You married Marc Cohn? Now I feel sick.

Jeff: I performed one of his songs.

Jason: Was it “Rock Of Ages?” And were you able to get through it without crying?

Jeff: Ha!

Happy Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas! Just eight days until Christmas…and then this will all be over. Until then, just grin and bear it while Jeff and I devolve into perverse sexual references and mocking each other’s mom.

Felix Cavaliere – Christmas In Your Arms (download or stream below)
From A Classic Rock Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Felix Cavaliere – Christmas in Your Arms.mp3]

Jason: Hahahahah! I don’t know why that opening made me laugh.

Jeff: It’s an involuntary reflex. Like gagging. Which is what I did when the vocals came in.

Jason: The acoustic guitars were nice, but the synths? Totally unnecessary. This song has nothing to do with Christmas, I bet.

Jeff: “Christmas in your arms is my dream.”

Jason: He probably just inserted “Christmas” instead of whatever word was there before. Like “my balls.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yes!

Jason: “My balls in your arms is my dream.”

Jeff: “A Cleveland Steamer.”

Jason: “A Donkey Punch.”

Jeff: “A Dirty Sanchez.” “A One-Eyed Redskin.”

Jason: Whoa, I don’t know that one!…Wait, are we just naming gross things now?

Jeff: I think we are.

Jason: I’m waiting for a Christmas-specific lyric. There isn’t one yet.

Jeff: This song is stupid.

Jason: Wait, he just said something about…spices. And he just said “the THOUGHT that I’ll be near you,” and I could have sworn he said “FUCK that I’ll be near you.” Oooh, acoustic guitar solo!

Jeff: VERY tasteful. I wish he’d shut up.

Jason: I don’t even know who this guy is. Do we call him when José Feliciano can’t make it to the studio?

Jeff: I think his kid was a child guitar prodigy.

Jason: It’s time to cherish all the love you’ve given my balls. I mean, me.

Jeff: Do not ask me why I think this.

Jason: With a name like Felix Cavaliere, can you do anything else but play guitar?

Jeff: Ha! I’d like to play this song for every woman I know, and ask them how they’d react if a guy performed it for them. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

Jason: Dude, when I hear those synths going in and out of the left/right channels, I get a little nauseous. There was very little that was Christmasy about that song.

Jeff: You’re just saying that because he’s Mexican.

Jason: Again with you trying to make me into a racist for no apparent reason. Is this because I said that the Pendergrass song sounded like it was “Congo” by Genesis?

Jeff: If your main concern is that the reason isn’t apparent, why don’t you just come out and tell everyone what the reason is? Go ahead.

Jason: No, you tell me. I want to know. Also, I don’t really know what we’re talking about or where this came from. So lay it on me, Jefito Claus.

Jeff: I’m not telling everyone about what happened between your mother and the gardener. That’s your secret to share.

Jason: You’ve been watching too much “Desperate Housewives.”

Jeff: Either way, I totally understand why you’re a racist.

Jason: I can tell them what happened with me and your mother. Stuffing of the stocking was involved. Something was hung by the chimney with care.

Jeff: That didn’t make you a racist. It just made you take penicillin for awhile.

Jason: A while?

Jeff: Oh, still?

Jason: She packs a powerful punch.

Jeff: Well. Make sure you finish your prescription.

Jason: Wait. Are we talking about my mom or your mom? I get so confused.

Jeff: I think we’re talking about Felix Cavaliere and why he sucks.

Jason: Oh, that’s right. Thank you.

Jeff: Happy Mellowmas, everyone!

Jason: …and scene!

Thanks for letting us tease you, Dan. Despite the jokes, I hold a special place in my heart for your music.  Condolences to the Fogelberg family and fans.

Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.

Celine Dion – The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Blah Blah Blah) (download or stream below)
From These Are Special Times Amazon iTunes

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[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Celine Dion – The Christmas Song.mp3]

Jeff: I hate this already.

Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.

Jeff: Oh, but I do.

Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?

Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”

Jeff: I know you did.

Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”

Jeff: That still troubles me.

Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”

Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!

Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”

Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.

Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.

Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.

Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.

Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.

Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?

Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.

Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.

Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.

Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.

Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.

Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.

Jeff: You’re ill.

Jason: I’m totally ill.

Jeff: It’s terrible.

Jason: I’m just being honest.

Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??

Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!

Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?

Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.

Jason: David Foster hates us.

Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.

Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.

Jeff: Oh, totally.

Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”

Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”

Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”

Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”

Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.

[youtube]DMZuFkG7zkg[/youtube]

Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Hey, real drums!

Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.

Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.

Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!

Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?

Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.

Jeff: Literally.

Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.

Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.

Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.

Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.

Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.

Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.

Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.

Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.

Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: OH FUCK.

Jeff: Children’s choir!!!

Jason: KIDS! FUCKING KIDS!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!

Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”

Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?

Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.

Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.

Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.

Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.

[youtube]mpnb6WxO_os[/youtube]