Thanks for letting us tease you, Dan. Despite the jokes, I hold a special place in my heart for your music.  Condolences to the Fogelberg family and fans.

Day Sixteen of Mellowmas is an odd day. Somehow, I wound up defending Celine Dion. I think it’s exhaustion.

Celine Dion – The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Blah Blah Blah) (download or stream below)
From These Are Special Times Amazon iTunes

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[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Celine Dion – The Christmas Song.mp3]

Jeff: I hate this already.

Jason: Oh, come on. You can’t hate it already.

Jeff: Oh, but I do.

Jason: There’s nothing Celiney about it. Just an orchestra. Oh, there she is.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if she did her vocals while hanging upside down from her perch?

Jason: You know, I totally thought she was awesome on “Voices That Care.”

Jeff: I know you did.

Jason: I was like, “who IS she? She’s AMAZING!”

Jeff: That still troubles me.

Jason: “She’s gonna be HUGE! Like, her own show in Vegas huge!”

Jeff: Oh, so it’s YOUR fault!

Jason: “Like, marrying her grandfather manager huge!”

Jeff: You couldn’t help it. You’re from Long Island. This kind of shit is in your blood.

Jason: You know, you can hate it. I don’t like it either, but you have to admit she has a pretty voice. She also has good use of dynamics.

Jeff: I don’t have to admit anything of the kind.

Jason: What I think is interesting is the fact that she just craps this stuff out. You think she really gets behind this stuff? No way. She just farts and out comes a beautiful vocal.

Jeff: I think she eats babies, personally.

Jason: That being said, I feel like nobody should ever do this song except for Nat King Cole. You hear me, Natalie?

Jeff: I feel the same way about pretty much every song Celine Dion performs.

Jason: Ahhh, instrumental. Wanna slow dance? You know you want to slow dance.

Jeff: Only if we do it by the door.

Jason: Come on. I’ll even let you lead.

Jeff: I want to get the fuck out when she starts singing again. Or throw the fire extinguisher at her.

Jason: Put your head on my shoulder, you big lug.

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: There she is! I don’t hate it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s just…Celine. It’s Celiney.

Jeff: You’re ill.

Jason: I’m totally ill.

Jeff: It’s terrible.

Jason: I’m just being honest.

Jeff: I’d rather listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Do you have that track??

Jeff: Done at last! God! That felt like it lasted for fifteen minutes!

Jason: Yeah, I’ll agree there. It did seem quite long. Can we listen to Bing Crosby raping Lawrence Welk next?

Jeff: Another fucking David Foster production, by the way.

Jason: David Foster hates us.

Jeff: David Foster is a walking Brown Note.

Jason: That being said, if David Foster called me tomorrow and was like, “Jason, I want to record a song with you,” I’d totally do it.

Jeff: Oh, totally.

Jason: Well, first I’d be like, “how the fuck did you get my number?” Then I’d be like, “are you knee deep in Peter Cetera right now?” Then I’d giggle a bunch.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Then I’d be like, “yes sir, David Foster. Whatever you like, sir, David Foster.”

Jeff: “Is Fee Waybill mowing your lawn right now?”

Jason: “Can I have a million dollars, David Foster?”

Jeff: “Is All-4-One cleaning your pool?”

Jason: All-4-One probably IS cleaning his pool.

[youtube]DMZuFkG7zkg[/youtube]

Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Hey, real drums!

Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.

Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.

Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!

Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?

Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.

Jeff: Literally.

Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.

Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.

Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.

Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.

Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.

Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.

Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.

Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.

Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: OH FUCK.

Jeff: Children’s choir!!!

Jason: KIDS! FUCKING KIDS!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!

Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”

Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?

Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.

Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.

Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.

Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.

[youtube]mpnb6WxO_os[/youtube]

We’re back with another day of Mellowmas – Day 14, to be exact. Is this as painful for you as it is for us? Just curious.

James Taylor – Jingle Bells (download or stream below)
From James Taylor At Christmas Amazon iTunes

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/James Taylor – Jingle Bells.mp3]

Jason: Hey, fake horses!

Jeff: Monty Python horses!

Jason: AUGH!

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: I hate when JT sings like this.

Jeff: What happened here? Did he record this after a trip to the dentist?

Jason: He sounds like he has Livingston’s balls in his mouth.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I can’t believe I just said that.

Jeff: I think it’s usually the other way around, but yeah.

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jeff: “Steamroller Jingle Bells Blues.”

Jason: “The James And Livingston Taylor Teabag Album.” Just a collection of songs with Livingston singing and James cock-walloping him.

Jeff: See, this is what happens when you sell as many records as James Taylor has. No one has the guts to pull you aside and say, “James, I understand what you’re after here, but this is neither the time nor the place.”

Jason: Yes. I mean, this is not a cover.

Jeff: “Quit fucking around and play ‘Jingle Bells’ the way it’s meant to be played.”

Jason: This is some kind of pretentious re-interpretation.

Jeff: “And I swear to God, if you do that New England ‘blues’ growl again, I will hit you in the Adam’s apple.”

Jason: I like his cover of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” But yeah, this is him saying, “remember when I used to be gritty?” And I don’t, so this isn’t doing anything for me.

Jeff: I think it’s him saying “I’m bored, la la la, I’m making a Christmas record.”

Jason: Holy shit. I just got to the scat.

Jeff: A one, a one, a one…And now the fadeout.

Jason: Jingle Bell ba fa fa ba fa ba

Jeff: I think the engineers got sick of listening to it.

Jason: Gee, I wonder why they couldn’t just end it definitively. Maybe because they never had any structure to begin with.

Jeff: I bet he did. I bet he was like, “Chicken chokin’ motherfuckin’ jingle baaaaay-heeeeells…”

Jason: ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: And everyone clapped, knowing they had faded it out already. And James Taylor hasn’t listened to one of his own albums in 30 years, so he never knew.

Jason: JT is capable of so many beautiful things, Jeff. Why did you send me this one? Thanks for the marble-mouthed Christmas carol, James. You suck.

Jeff: Boo!

Happy First Day Of Extended Mellowmas! The scary thing is…we’re just getting started!

John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” (download or stream below)
From Rocky Mountain Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: What song today?

Jason: Ready to plead to daddy?

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Oh yes. Please. Daddy. Don’t get drunk this Christmas.  Hey, didn’t your daughter sing this song to you last year?

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/denvertest.mp3]

Jason: Oh god. I can’t believe this song.

Jeff: I never liked John Denver.  I can’t believe those nerds from the Starland Vocal Band wrote it.

Jason: They wrote this for him?

Jeff: Either that or he stole it.

Jason: Holy shit! Talk about a passive-aggressive intervention! “Oh yeah, John, we, um, wrote this for….someone else…Jim Croce.”

Jeff: Goddammit, if you had a kid who sounded like this, don’t you think you’d get drunk every night of the fucking year?

Jason: Ha ha ha! Actually, I’d probably pay a pilot to sabotage a…oh.

Jeff: “I turned around and saw my mama’s tears.” This is depressing as hell. Is it supposed to be funny? Because it isn’t.

Jason: I love the voice crack on “Please.”

Jeff: Yeah, but it would be better if he didn’t do it every single time.

Jason: Big finish! Big finish for the alcoholic!

Jeff: Blech.

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: Miserable.

Jason: That was 2:37 and we had nothing to say about it.

Jeff: Well, I mean, it’s kind of heartbreaking.

Jason: I thought we were going to be much funnier with this one.

Jeff: One of the SVB members must have had a horrible childhood.

Jason: Who writes Christmas songs like this?

Jeff: The Danoffs! No wonder their Christmas album was never officially released!

Jason: Oh, you’re not going to get me to speak ill about SVB again. I don’t think Bill Danoff is too happy about last year.

Jeff: I’m not happy about right now.

Jason: And I still feel bad about it. I seriously love Starland Vocal Band.

Jeff: Even after this?

Jason: Bill, if you’re reading this, well, first, why are you reading this? Second, I love you.

Jeff: Third, what the hell were you thinking?

Jason: Don’t listen to him, Bill!

Jeff: What’s next, “Please Daddy (No More Sodomy for New Year’s)”?

Jason: I think Bill was clearly trying to tell John that maybe – just maybe – he needed to, you know, not get drunk this Christmas.

Jeff: I’m telling you, that song came from a very real, very dark place. And it should have stayed there.

Jason: I wonder if there’s a published story behind it.

Jeff: Me too.

Jason: I guess I’ll just keep on wondering. Because I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Jeff: I’m looking it up. Oh. My. God. The Decemberists covered this. What kind of world do we live in?

Jason: They did? I know Alan Jackson did.

Jeff: Alan Jackson will cover anything.

Jason: The Decemberists probably being ironic. I’m not listening to this. I won’t. I refuse.

Jeff: Dude, it literally cannot be worse than this.

Jason: Please Jefito (Don’t Make Me Listen To Indie Hipsters This Christmas)

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!